Driving is good for the Soul

Nothing from the Twilight Series or Ms. Meyers works belong to me!

EPOV

The drive across country was exhilarating. Of course because it was late August, most of the driving took place at night. But all the same it was truly enchanting. There was no traffic because the trip was at night, we were able to cruise at speeds we would never have been able to achieve during the day and the roads we took had plenty of forests so hunting was plentiful. During the day we were able to explore the wilderness in the north and discovered some of the finer areas within the United States.

Carlisle and Esme were driving together and I had my Volvo all to myself. So turning up the sound system and enjoying some freedoms made the trip worthwhile. Alice and Jasper were going to meet us at the house about a week after we arrived. Emmett and Rose were still enjoying their time in parts unknown; they'd show up when they felt like it.

This suited me just fine; I was in no rush to be surrounded by couples once again. Although I made the commitment to Esme and Carlisle that I was ready to move on, I knew once I was in the presence of Alice again it would be that much harder. Bella and Alice became more than best friends when we were in Forks and she fought the hardest against me when I made my decision to leave Bella. I don't think she's over it yet, just as I'm not. Vampires have long memories!

I wasn't completely confident that I would be able to maintain my commitment to move on. Out of everyone in the family I was always the moody one, my temper would flair and get the best of me as well as some of Esme's favorite knickknacks. But I knew I was determined to attempt to move on, I had to. Being a vampire makes it a challenge to do anything but move on, after all eternity is a long time.

During the drive time I was working myself up to letting go of Bella and that meant reviewing our relationship from start to finish. Because I was old and had the wisdom of years, I should be able to figure out what it was about Bella that was so appealing to me. I knew that her blood was a siren call to the monster in me, but it was more than that. Bella had the ability to break through every barrier within me.

If I was feeling lost, she filled me up and provided me with the compass I needed to find the right direction. When I was beyond angry, she had the ability to quell the fire erupting within me with one simple touch of her hand on my chest.

On the other hand, she also had the ability to fill me with a fear so gripping that I lost all sense of reason. The short period of time that we were together she had frightened me to depths I hadn't even realized were possible. Tyler's van, the muggers in Port Angeles, James…a growl escaped me as I thought about James.

The joy she brought to me was beyond compare. Never in my entire existence had I experienced the joy I felt when she was in my arms dancing at her prom. Even when we were on the grounds of the school that evening and she was pressuring me to change her, I still felt ridiculously happy. Usually when she began pressuring me about changing her it would change my mood instantly, but that evening was magical. I smiled whenever this particular memory seeps into my mind. She looked so beautiful and when she threw her head back laughing while we were dancing, I knew I held a rare beauty in my arms.

And now, now the sadness within me permeates throughout me. Jasper can't be around me due to the overwhelming sadness. At times I feel it's manageable and can make it through, but then it grips me from within and brings me to my knees. A sadness so severe I wonder how I'll make it through the next hour and yet I still have an eternity ahead of me.

What was it about her that has done this to me? I want to be able to curse her for waking me from my existence and offering me so much more. But I know it wasn't Bella's fault that I couldn't resist her. She did nothing more than relocate to the same town, I was the one who jumped in and saved her from the van and the muggers. Had I just resisted those moments, perhaps things would have been different. I would be carrying on as I had for the past 90 years.

I shake my head knowing that I could never have done that, Bella would have been dead had I not stopped that van from crushing her. No, there was no way I could have that happen.

Alice screamed at me in my head at the time to let it be. Let destiny take its course, but I couldn't. There was no way someone like Bella should have been taken from this world; she belonged on earth to walk amongst mere humans gracing them with her wisdom and beauty.

It's ironic because she is an angel here on earth and perhaps that's why she's always being thrown in the path of danger. Maybe she's not intended to stay walking on earth, perhaps her destiny is a short-lived life so she can join a higher being. Ugh, another growl escapes from deep within, if there were a higher being he would never have allowed Bella and I to meet!

I know examining this is important but it's so frustrating there are no answers! My nature is to control situations and take command. Bella took that control away from me, not intentionally, but most certainly I lost control of all of my emotions around her. Except one, my natural instinct to take her life, in that one case I learned control.

From the moment Bella walked into that Biology room, she and I were drawn together. No, if I was completely honest with myself I was drawn to her in the cafeteria of her first day. When I tried so hard to hear her thoughts, thinking that maybe seeing her face for myself would help me connect to her mind. Instead, I was drawn to her eyes; eyes that spoke so clearly what her mind wouldn't let me have access to. Hearing the boring chatter of Jessica Stanley as she spoke so kindly to her, yet thought such vile thoughts, made me instantly want to protect Bella.

Then when she entered the Biology room and her scent hit me, all my natural instincts came to the surface. Everything we had worked so hard to conceal would end in a moment. I never encountered such a scent before, it invaded me, and made me crazed by the desire I felt to drain her right there in the classroom. Had it not been for Carlisle and the monster within me that I hated so vehemently, I would have killed her that afternoon.

It is so frustrating the range of emotions that are coursing through me. I hammer the steering wheel, how is it that a mere human girl could do this to me. Bella has become my own personal demon, every instant with her haunts me today as if the moments we spent together happened just yesterday.

It's not possible; she's just a girl, just an ordinary human girl. I'm a man, well over 100 years in age. How could this 18-year-old girl who has barely experienced life make me a mere shell of myself.

My family has suffered as well, Alice, Esme, Carlisle, Emmett and even Jasper. Esme was so happy to see me finally find a mate, someone who saw me as she saw me, someone special who deserved to be loved. But it wasn't just that for Esme, she truly loved Bella as a daughter. She saw Bella as a beautiful woman that offered so much of herself and asked for so little.

Carlisle's love for Bella was based on her ability to offer me a chance to see that I had redeeming qualities. This has been a subject discussed between Carlisle and myself on many occasions and he knew that if anyone could make me see my value that it would be Bella.

Emmett loved Bella because she was truly his little sister. Someone he could tease unmercifully, yet love beyond measure. She offered him a chance to act the part of a protecting big brother who would step in at even the slightest hint of trouble.

Alice, Alice loved Bella with all of her unbeating heart. Bella offered Alice the ability to truly be herself. Rosalie and Alice's relationship was sisterly, but Bella's ability to love beyond reason made Alice feel nearly human. Of course Alice had Jasper, but Bella was the girlfriend Alice always wanted. Because she knew so little of herself when she was a human Bella offered her something that was missing in her life. Bella completed Alice in a way that Jasper never could and never will.

Jasper loved Bella as much as anyone else in our family. But out of all in the family that loved her deeply, he had to distance himself from her. This pained Jasper because he saw the joy and love that Bella brought into our house. He wanted to share in the joy of Bella as much as the rest of us, but knew he couldn't take the chance of getting too close to her. Her humanity was the weak link in their relationship.

I know I made the right decision in walking away, in telling Bella the lie that would destroy me and everything my family had become. Inevitably my association with Bella would come to cause her harm. A simple birthday party for her turned into a nightmare from hell. My entire family was subjected to trying to control their natural instincts by a mere paper cut. The relationship with her had to end; there was no way I could allow it to continue.

Knowing my selfishness, I knew I couldn't stand by and allow her life to be taken from me. Even though I chose to walk away and that decision has nearly destroyed me, I can be satisfied with the thought that she's somewhere in the world living and breathing. This is what I must remember.

I must remain steadfast in my decision to keep my distance from her. It has taken more control than I ever imagined I possessed, to not return to Forks and beg her forgiveness, more control than it ever took to resist her scent. This decision, this lie must remain, for Bella's sake.