THE HERE AND NOW
CHAPTER 34
"INSIGHT"
SAMANTHA CARTER:
He was Jack O'Neill, once he was my best friend and we became something more. I believed it to be respect for a commanding officer, and yet that respect and admiration began to change and I discovered that he was any thing but those things. To me he was so much more, he was my beloved, and I would do any thing for him, just as he pledged his life for me I would do the same and I dreamt that forever more we could be together.
Dreams do not often become reality, and I find myself in a place that is closer to a nightmare than any dream I ever had. This place were I am with Pete. My fiancé, my new so called love, in a farm in the middle of no were; long hair and living happily with animals, did he expect this from me. Did Fifth actually believe that he could have trapped me in a fantasy world were I left my friends and left him behind no he would be a fool to think that.
My mind refused his simulation, and I smirk. Fifth is more of a child than I had first tough, he believed that he could fool me. No he couldn't fool me into believing that I married, Pete more than I could fool myself into thinking I was going to go trough with it, I always known that I would give us a chance, me and Jack, we deserved it we deserved to be together now I am sure of this.
He has come for me, and as we went back home I found myself wondering just what the hell happened in that place.
Fifth had me, yet how could Fifth replicate that place but get the one constant so wrong? Was that I was falling in love with another man? With Pete? No it couldn't be. I enjoy his company and having some one to be with, I enjoy the sex and the fact that I have someone, but what had fooled fifth I don't know and it scares me.
Could I actually have feelings for Pete? Am I using him? What is it that I am doing? Why can't I answer this question, and why is it so hard to think of Pete as perhaps something more. To see Jack hurt, do I know what I am doing? Have I become so screwed up that I no longer see what I want? I do not know what is happening to me, and I cannot say I dislike it, but between those questions lies and answer that I can't seem to see or understand.
Pete is here with me, he loves me and I don't want to use him but if my plan was always to be with Jack then why am I with him, and why do I find myself liking his company more and more? Do I feel guilty for using him as a release for my sexual and emotional repression? And what of Jack, does he love me? Does be even know how I feel for him? If I have a chance with Pete, shouldn't I take it? Don't I deserve to be happy?
The more I think about this the more questions that arise, more question that I have no answers for, and the more confuse I grow. I don't know what is happening to me, but I will find out, I just hope that I don't find out to late to do any thing about it.
JACK ONEILL:
Do I mean so little to her? Should I be angry? No, how can I be angry when it is I who refused to do any thing about her situation. She is dating Pete, she is going to marry him soon and yet I did nothing was I right in just standing idly by ? Should I have interfered in she become his? Each time I think of her why are so many questions popping up all over the place questions to which I have no answer for.
Do I love her? yes I do, I know that much yet does she love me? If she did would, she be with him? Was I a fool ? Why do I keep questioning this ? I don't know and yet I feel that I am justified in not acting. Jf two people are in love than that means that they wait for one another, that sacrifices have to be made for the sake of that love, isn't that right ? Why do I doubt that now ? Is it because I never know what love is?
What is wrong with me? I don't know, but questions pop all over the place and I grow frustrated and angry. Showing me the ring, what the hell did she want me to do ? Did she actually believe I was going to say something? Should I have said something? In addition, if so what could I offered her? Nothing so why not let her go? I love her and as much as I hate clichés I have to wonder if the old saying is, right in saying if you love them let them go
I am not sure she even loved me. How can I know what she feels for me is mere friendship, has she showed any indications of how she feels for me? There have been moments but are moments enough? If she has not showed any indications does that mean that she is a better actor than I am? My disregard for the rules allows me to be somewhat more open with how I feel yet for her. In addition, if I had showed indications of how I felt shouldn't she know of this?
If she knew of my feeling why then go with Pete, why then become his fiancé and why leave me behind? Was she being selfish? Does she love him? She told me so yet do I believe it and just not question her choices? I don't know and now it is to late, so all I have is a memory that I won't soon forget. I wish it weren't so but she is every thing to me and now that I do not have her in my life I feel empty.
SAMANTHA CARTER:
It hurt to have left him. I did the right choice, I try convincing myself and I find myself believing that I was going to have a child with Pete with the man whom I had accepted as a substitute for Jack. I didn't know I just knew that he made me happy, satisfied my needs and gave me what I so desperately needed he was there for me and gave me my dream house a son and the white picket fences I had always wanted, I had a family.
It was everything I ever wanted and yet it never felt right. Pete, Aron they are wonderful and I love them. I love them as a wife loves a husband and as a mother loves a son but is that enough? Shouldn't I be happy with the life that I live now? Shouldn't I be head over heals for this life? I had dreamt of it for so long I should not be over thinking this. No, I should be enjoying it and I find myself un-able to why is that.
So I feel guilty that I cut out my friends and family. I don't know any more, all I know is that I find myself missing them more and more. Each day I find myself wondering of what ifs, and every day that goes by I find myself wondering more and more. I find my hearth aching at the loss of such good people in my life. And yet as I think about them am I really thinking of him? Of the what if with him? Had I let go of him as I had thought I had or was I fooling myself?
I was overwhelmed by the thought of a happy family that I jumped into bed with Pete that I accepted his proposal and that I had a son with him .I was pregnant with Aron when I left. That affected my decision more than I cared to admit to myself but I was going to marry Pete any way, right ? And Aron deserved a father. It was the right choice to make yet if that was so why does my heart yearn to go back and my mind wonders of what if that can never happened now.
Why do I want to go back to them to him? I don't know, I am lost and I don't know what can clear this fog and what can answer all those question that I have. I think I am lost and the way to find myself out of this situations is to go back to them, to him.
JACK ONEILL:
Long ago I buried her, she has returned, come back and I feel numb. What is left to feel after so much pain, after such emptiness, nothing. I have nothing left, I am spent I don't care any more, I am just tired so tired that's all I can do is watch as she jumps back into our lives. What more can I do but watch?
I have nothing left.
April O'Neill & Jacob Aron Carter
They were their kids, he was smart and she was a wild card filled with hyperactive energy and definitely brains. She might not be his biological daughter but she was an O'Neill and the kid was definitely a Carter. She could see that in the way they talked and were around each other, they had become friends in a short time without a care in the world. They played in Jack's back yard and Cassandra Frasier could only look on at the two.
"You are losing!"
"No I'm not, the control doesn't work!"
"You're lying!"
The girl smiled and shook her head. This was so weird and so much more than she could take. Here was Aron, the child of the woman she hated playing with Jack's kid and as much as she wanted to resent and feel some kind of hatred for the kid she knew she couldn't. He had nothing to do with Sam's betrayal, he was not to blame yet that was not what hurt her the most, because now looking at him she could see and perhaps begin to understand why Samantha had left them.
Her actions had been wrong, she had done this all wrong but in the end, she had gain a son and something the woman always wanted, how could she hold that against Sam? She couldn't not now not any more aron was proof that Samantha had a happy life with out them. He was there to remind her that perhaps the woman did have to do this.
When the phone rang, she couldn't even begin to imagine that it would be Sam on the other line. Sam and her mother both on the same phone calling her to ask her a favor to take care of Sam's child because Jack was in trouble. She had of course been watching April already so why not watch Carter's child. A few minutes ago, she would have had many reasons to not even go near that kid and turn Sam and her mom away.
Her mother on the other hand had told her to do this or else, and she knew that while her mother could no longer punish her she had other ways to make her feel horrible, as did Jack and the others. Therefore, it was with a recent full grunt an annoyed tone of voice that she had accepted to look after the kid of her once second mother.
"Is dad coming in late again?"
April had asked with a frown and a pout. That kid could be too cute some times; she smiled and decided to turn her foul mood into a positive one. No sense in making April feel her negative vibes, so she told her with a huge smile that her little friend was coming over to play.
That had been an hour ago and now she just sat there staring at them. With out a care in the world they just played there game and laughed, they were not filled with resentment or ill emotions towards any one. A while back she was like that, but she had to close herself off or else feel the pain that Sam is leaving had caused her, she remembered what Jack had told her and she knew that he was right. She had done what he had done hid behind her anger and resentment towards Sam to hide the pain and hurt she had left behind.
How to deal with that was the questions, she didn't know and she was not good with her feelings, not when she had ignored them and allowed them to fester and become something twisted. Taking a deep breath she walks towards the kitchen and begins to prepare coffee. No sense in sitting and thinking of her wrongs and Sam's wrong. She had to find a way to not be mean to Sam to at least be civil when in her presence she could do that.
"Cassy there is some one at the door."
She was not expecting that one; they weren't supposed to be back until nine or ten at the latest. Walking towards the doorway she can see who it is trough the small window like opening in jack is door. She remembers the man as Sam is fiancé and the one who had caused all of the problems to begin with.
"April. Aron why don't you guys head up stair ok?"
"Yeah ok Il'l show Aron my room."
"Ok."
Sam is going trough a divorce was the first thing Cassy's mind, and parents going trough this tended to do crazy things, specially when a child was involved and he might only get to live with one of the parents. The other would usually do something crazy like kidnapping and such, she was not taking any chances. O'Neill had told her once to always be prepared and take no chances even in normal life.
"Yes how can I help you?"
Opening the door she saw the surprised look on the man and knew that Pete did not recognized her or remembered her.
"Ah is this general O'Neill's house?"
"Yeah."
"Ah ok I don't know if you can help me but I'm looking for Samantha Carter? Or Sam."
"She is not here had to run an errand."
"Oh do you know when she will be back?"
Jack was not here, she knew as much and she knew that in an instant he would give up this life, yet she knew that the bras wouldn't let him quit. He was too important, the Asguard liked him and wouldn't do business with out him and yet she would gladly see the whole universe in chaos if the man could just get the life he so deserved. He deserved so much and yet he never got anything from it no happiness or joy just sorrow the last happiness he had was his child.
"How is he holding up?"
"Still sleeping what ever that thing was it didn't hurt him."
"Didn't hurt him? He is laid out"
"Compared to the others, his readings are stable. You and Sam have any idea what the thing was?"
"No and frankly I'm glad that I didn't go on the mission"
"Well since you and Sam are the only ones who understand ancient tech as much as McKay and Jack, I guess they're in your hands."
"No pressure?"
"No pressure."
Hailey groaned. This was not what she was expecting, to be rushed into the infirmary and told of the predicament they were currently having. Looking at the roof of the base, she wondered were the hell was Thor when she needed him. Walking towards the lab she found Sam working hard on the device sg-2 had brought back. It was as big as a backpack and it seem to have some kind of energy readings. Ancient tech was surprisingly simple and yet confusing as hell.
"So what are we dealing here?"
"McKay's notes indicate that this was a super computer"
"Was?"
"When he detached it, it went dead the signals we are receiving are basically the reserve powers source. When it was UN plugged it downloaded every thing into the ship's main frame and stored only the most basic functions on itself."
"It's alive then?"
"AI most likely."
"Okay self preservation and all that...wait basic functions?"
"Its is apparently a decoy."
"You got to be kidding?"
McKay was good, but put up against any ancient brain or AI they were all dunces, and while the battery pack has resulted in being nothing more than a super computer with a bunch of irrelevant data. They knew that some one had to have done that to it and apparently, the AI was stored in the damned ship, leaving them with a useless piece of tech which had nothing relevant to the situation the others were in.
"Ok so if it fooled McKay that means this thing is good. Super computer or not its data has to be relevant to something."
"Culture structure of the ancients."
"Ah that's educational…."
Before she could get the words out a beam of light beamed trough and Thor stood before them, his dark eyes roaming the device as is assessing its purpose. Hailey and Carter did their best to explain what it was and he understood. He would help them and as they began to work, something else was happening in the infirmary, and Janet was not happy. The general had been knocked out and was not showing any sings of waking up and then he bolts up from the bed and looks at her,
"I gathered I was knocked out?"
"Sir what is going on?"
"McKay and his bone headed ideas that's what happened. I need to get to Hailey's lab."
"Sir?"
"I'm good to guess that Thor is with them if so I need his help."
Minutes later, they were in the lab and Jack even tough groggy and a bit wobbling on his feet managed to smile at them, and greet them with as much enthusiasm as if he was never in the infirmary to begin with. Glancing at the device in front of the scientist he smirked and shock his head.
"O'Neill are you well?"
"Yes and as for you, it's no use in hiding I know you're there."
Janet and the others glanced at him as if he was a mad, and as Janet began to worry and wonder just what the hell had happened to them, the thing that looked like a modern backpack began to flash and a small light shot out of it straight for Jack, who just stood there. Immediately the light stopped and then bursted into millions of small light beams, right before there eyes a figure stood before them,
Holographic technology, Thor recognized it but it was far more advanced than his own, as the figure appeared to be as solid as they were.
"You are brethren?"
"Close primitive ancient human"
"That would explain your recovery"
"Ah sir what is going on?"
"AI Hailey it's stored in that box you got there the data it stores. It's a simple distraction from you looking at the real deal."
"Sir how do you know?"
Sam looked at Jack who smiled and taped his head, now Sam understood. Hailey's earlier comments and Thor is explanation that was cut off by Jack. She nodded and then turned towards the figure who was smiling at them. It seemed human, had advanced quite well and by the looks of the asguard standing beside them it seemed they were doing quite well for themselves.
"My people?"
"I do apologize for them as I only detected your bio sing I was unaware they were friends"
"Right well they did have the ancient gene"
"They did not have your genetic make up, your's the closest to our own"
"Ok then my people?"
"If you returned them to the ship I will fix their neuro kinetics"
"Thor buddy would you mind checking it out?"
"I will require assistance. Hailey and SG-2 would be appreciated as would doctor Carter"
"Yeah sure...wait Carter weren't you on leave?"
"Janet called her, we needed the help sir and I can handle the mission."
He nods at Hailey who smiles nervously at him, yeah Samantha Carter had taken some time off but they needed the all the brains they could get their hands on, so she had been called back.
"Okay Hailey you go and help them with what ever. SG-2 will be ready in a few, go fill them in please"
"Yes sir"
Hailey smiled and pointed at the figure that still had its eyes set on the general. It seemed she was still analyzing him and assessing him as a worthy substitute for her creators of course she would ask the asguard more questions she was after all self aware and intelligent.
"Sir what about her? She is friendly right?"
"Ah yeah you can wait right?"
"I am an AI I follow the orders of my creators and am loyal to them"
"So you follow my orders?"
"I am intelligent O'Neill"
"Fair enough"
Yeah Jack felt real happy with that, he knew what it was like to have personnel whom disobeyed orders. He didn't want to think of having a war ship who could ultimately destroy them if she wanted to. Waving them off Thor beamed them up and he smiled. At least he wouldn't have to deal with it for another 24 hours. Janet nudge him and signaled at the blond staring at them.
Hailey smirked and shock her head; this was bound to get a bit too tense. She was glad she had to go prep SG-2. Walking away from them she definitely didn't want to be around them, not until they resolved every thing between them; she had enough drama in her life with out the need to add this to her list.
"So the kids?"
"They're with Sassie sir"
"So Carter… Cassie?"
"I had no one else to call, Janet recommended her"
Jack raised an eye brow at the doctor who smiled and shrugged. Yeah she had recommended Cassie to Sam but she had done it to help the two try and talk to one another if not for their own sake, for Jack's.
"Oh well I guess we can go pick them up"
"They're at your house"
Jack smiled and nodded, heading out of the lab Sam saw the way Janet and jack interacted even now walking side by side she saw the touches and the smiles, the look in there eyes and so much more that told her there was history there. She did not know what kind and she was not sure if she wanted to know, she cursed herself for being angry at the fact that Janet was every thing she wanted to be to him.
Stupid traffic was as slow as ever and Jack O'Neill trapped in a car with two women who had just began to repair a broken friendship, he could cut the tension with a knife. There was too much tension and he knew he was responsible for most of it. Ok so he was responsible for all of it but it was not his fault. I mean honestly, there was something wrong in the air Sam was tense Janet was tense and all he wanted to do was relax.
"So umhh what have you guys been up to"
"Oh you know the usual stuff, raising a kid and such things"
Then tension increased and he had no idea what the hell was the problem. Carter squirmed in her seat and as did Janet frowning he turned towards them he was going to get to the bottom of this.
"What is up with you two?"
"There is nothing wrong with us"
"No?"
He also knew when they were lying, and right now, they were both lying, something had definitely happened or it was a woman thing. After all he knew damn well that women sensed and had an insight to things men had no idea were even going on. Frowning he turned back to the road and let the tension fester, they could resolve their problems. He knew Janet and Sam well enough to know that much. The fact of the matter was that he could swear that the tension was caused by his presence and whatever problem the two women had some how related to him. He couldn't even begin to explain why, but if women had intuition, then men had there gut feeling and right now he was feeling that all too familiar sensation in his stomach.
"So how did Cassy take the news?"
"She was not happy./Janet helped me convince her tough"
"That kid is stubborn"
"Takes after you Jack"
Janet teased and Sam chuckled, yeah Jack was good at breaking the tension all right, he prided himself in that fact and now that the tension was some what alleviated all he needed to do was keep brining stuff up to talk about.
"Mind if I wait?"
"Yeah just don't come a knocking"
"I won't"
Pete was to wait in the car, he didn't like it but he couldn't be very well in the house of the general waiting for his wife, after all, he was not the best of friends of Jack O'Neill. He hardly knew the man, so he waited and hoped that Sam would arrive soon, he needed to talk to her, to at least make some kind of progress in their friendship. He couldn't let that go to waste, not if he wanted to keep seeing his son and maybe even make head way with her. Who knows maybe civility was a way to get her back yeah that thought had not escaped his mind he still loved her he still wanted her.
As his mind wondered Jack O'Neill's truck pulled up right behind him, he could see and heard the all too familiar voices of the man he disliked and of the woman who had been his wife still was at least until the end of the month.
"That your car Sam?"
"Ah no its not"
"Pete?"
Both Sam and Jack could hear the somewhat annoyed tone Janet had used in saying the man is name.
"Come on Jan we better go inside"
The last thing he wanted to do was be in that spot he knew things were hard enough with on Sam with out them adding to it.
"Sam you going to be okay?"
Jack was trying to lead her away but Janet stopped and glared at him, she had made some head way with Sam she was her friend despite what had happened she knew the troubles in a marriage.
"Yeah Janet thanks but ill be fine"
"And we will be right in there just in case"
Jack smiled at Sam and pulled Janet towards the house, he also had some experience with this kind of thing and as they walked towards his house Pete walked past them a small smile and nod of a greeting and that was all.
"What do you think he wants?"
"Same as all divorcees, they want there wife to reconsider"
"Oh..I- ah sorry Jack"
He had been on the same side Pete was in right now, and he knew how painful and hard it was, having a wife that no longer cared for you was the hardest thing to accept, but then again Sara and he was a completely different thing. He had been un attentive and filled with to much pain to even try to make things work even after his return from Abydos, he had tried to reconnect but she had moved out and by then it had been too late.
"You ok Jack?"
"Yeah just lost myself in thought"
"About what?"
They were in the house now and jack could hear cassy and the kids playing on the second story of his house, both of them walked towards the kitchen. Janet could see the far away look on jack placing a hand on his shoulder he smiled up at her and shock his head.
"I was in Pete's shoes before you know"
"Yeah I know"
"I guess I can relate to the man trying to save his marriage and all"
"You did it for the right reasons Jack somehow I don't think he is doing it for those same reasons"
He didn't know what that was supposed to mean, but somehow to Janet it made perfect sense and once again he wondered just what the hell had the two women talked about. Out side the house Sam smiled at Pete, and waited for him to start a conversation one that didn't involve him trying to reconcile there differences as their counselor had advised them to do for the sake of Aron.
"You were with the general"
Some how she had been expecting that he was jealous and while she had found it cute, it annoyed her to no end now more than ever.
"Janet was also with him if you noticed"
"Yeah I noticed the guys has all the luck"
"What do you want Pete?"
She was beginning to get annoyed and she didn't like the tone or the implication on Pete is voice
"I wanted to spend some time with you and Aron is that so wrong?"
"No you can spend all the time you like with Aron, Pete and you know it"
"And you?"
"What about me Pete?"
"I still love you Sam"
"Pete please don't do this. It's hard enough for me to put our son trough this to go trough this. You crossed the line"
"Sam it was a stupid mistake!"
"One that could have gotten our son, your son killed!"
"I screw up Sam every one screws up don't I get the chance to have one more shot?"
"How can I do that when you don't trust me Pete? God Pete this isn't just about the danger you put us in it's about your not trusting me"
"I trust you Sam"
"No you don't you never have trusted me and that was the problem all along I just couldn't see it"
"So it's really over"
"It been over for a while now Pete I…I thought that I wanted to come back to reconnect with my friends and family t-the truth was I was trying to go back"
"To before me right?"
"I'm sorry"
Those words are still with her as her ex-husband drives away, the words she spoke to him are still there. Had she really come back just to run away from her life with him? She didn't know where that speech came from but she knew it was what she had wanted to say for a long time ever since aron was born she had been thinking about her friends been wanting to return and she wondered had she used Pete? Had she gotten what she wanted out of him and that was it?
As harsh as those words were she knew it was the truth, she had used Pete and when he had given her what she wanted, the life and the son, the white picket fences and all that she had grown tired, and wanted to return to her old life and to calm the aching her heart. Turning towards the house, she could see trough the window Aron April Janet Cassy and Jack playing and laughing she wanted to be the one in that room with her hands around Jack's shoulders, she wanted to be with him.
Continued