THE HERE AND NOW

Chapter 41

"PAIN FRIENDSHIP & LOVE?"

"You want to talk to me? About what?"

"You know what I am talking about Sam"

"No Jack I really don't, so please tell me why are we here?"

Off hours at the SGA the night shift when there was minimum personnel and there was no chance of them being caught, that is why he had chosen this time, that is why he had kept her late. Looking at the blond woman before him he noticed that things never changed, everything was always more complicated when she was around. Losing his nerve or being down right stubborn, the woman could make him lose his temper unlike any one before her; she knew how to get on his last nerve, but more importantly, she kept him off balance, he could never deal with his emotions and when he dealt with Sam everything was about emotions.

"You know damn well what I am talking about"

Sam wanted to scream at the man, to just tell him off and walk away but for the life of her she couldn't, she couldn't just walk away from Jack, in reality she had began to realize that she never had. Despite moving away and starting a family of her own she had never been able to truly leave Jack behind, when she had first had Aron she had briefly wondered what Jack would say, what he would think of her. He had always been a constant in her life, always wondering about what it would be like if Jack was still in her life, about the possibilities of including him and her old friend into the life she had set for herself, but all those times of wondering never got her any were.

She had been afraid and if she had to admit it, she had also been ashamed of how she had handled things, of how she had simply walked out of their lives without so much as an explanation or a reason. When she had first contemplated a return it had been when Aron was born, she wanted all of them to be included in her child is life, but fear kept her away, fear of wanting to jump back into the life of a scientist of someone who knew that the world could end at any second, but she couldn't. She knew that she had taken a hard turn in her life and that she had to deal with it.

Now looking at Jack is face she knew that it had been a lot more complicated than simple fears, she had wanted to stay away because of him, because she had never left him behind, he had always been there; she had just been ignoring what her heart had been telling her all along. She was in love with Jack, she had seen his worst moments and his best and trough out all of it she had not loved any one as strongly as she love him. He was always there, the feelings she had for him had never left her, she had hidden them away, locked them up and moved on with her life but she had not moved away from him.

Jack O'Neill had once told her that he would always be there for her, he had not been lying, because right here right now she saw what she had done to him, what she was doing to him and she hated herself for it. Jack didn't deserve this and yet here he was dealing with it. Dealing because he did not want to face her because she knew that just like her he still had feelings for her, but despite the joy that, that realization brought to her heart she knew that she couldn't just have laid it out on the open. Too much had happened, to many things had been said and bottom line, she had hurt him too much.

"Look Jack why don't we just drop it? We are not good at this; we never were so why start now?"

She wanted to give him a way out, a way for him not to do this, to stop him from saying what she knew was coming, but looking at the reaction on his face she knew she had said the wrong thing. He didn't want to let sleeping dogs lay, no he wanted to talk about what they had been hiding for a long, long time. He wanted it out in the open, closing her eyes Sam realized that she had been the one in control. When she had first realized what they felt for one another thanks to that damn Za'tarc detector she was the one who had told him that it had never happened, that he didn't have to worry about it, she had closed him off shut him out and he had agreed. It had always been that way between the two, she always had control over it.

"You're messing up my life Carter"

He didn't want to say it but it had to be said, everything was happening to fast and he hated it, Janet, Daniel and even Teal'c had accept her back but he, he was always the stubborn one the one who resisted change who hated it when things didn't go his way, but this, this was different. They were letting Sam back into their life and he didn't want her there, she had been the reason for so many bad night, so many bad memories that he didn't know if he could stand having her back again. He could deal with Sam the scientist and co-worker, he could not deal with Carter the friend, not any more he couldn't.

"Jack i…"

"Listen, I have a good thing, a nice kid a great life and…you, you bring too many memories into that life Sam"

He was struggling with every word he said, it was as if he was saving them, as if he was waiting to tell her what was really going deep inside of him, but she couldn't take it like that, she was hurting too.

"Are they all bad memories Jack?"

He closes his eyes and shakes his head, no, they are not all bad memories and that is what is so hard about it. he remembers the good ones far more than the bad ones, the way her smile lit up a room, how it took his breath away with a simple look or how happy he was whenever they share a hug.

"I loved you Carter, with everything that I am I loved you and I…I can't I just can't go to being like it was before, but I know that if I…if I allowed myself to fall for you all over again it would destroy me in the end. Every time…every god damn time I saw you with another man it hurt like hell, it was like a staff blast to my chest and I couldn't do anything about it…"

How many close calls with romance had she had? How many tender moments had she shared with some alien or some other guy, all those moments were well engraved in Jack is mind, the pain that came along with it was enough for him to do this, to push her away.

"You talked with them, you touched hands you did and said things with them that I…it was kind of frustrating you know, but I knew that I couldn't just come right out and say it…hell I was never and I am still not sure how you feel about me"

She can't talk, but feels the tears falling down her face, she has never once told him or gave him any indication of how she felt towards him. She had done to good a job at hiding her feelings, she had fooled every one into believing that she just saw Jack as a friend. But she had done too good a job because she had even fooled him, she knew how deep his feelings ran for her but she had never once gave him a clue as to how much she felt for him, how deep her love for him was. Instead, she played the part of a friend to a perfect T and it had cost her.

"Don't get me wrong, I know you like me…I just never found out if you love me the way I loved you"

He was not saying love, no, he was saying loved the past participle of love, didn't he feel anything for her anymore?

"I…Jack you have to…."

He raises his hand and she can't fight his order to remain quiet, she can't bring herself to tell him that she still loves him, that she had never stopped. How could she tell him this? Would he even believe her after everything that she had done? No he wouldn't, she had ran away with her fiancé had a child and wedding, as far as he knew she had been living a perfect little life until they came calling.

"Look I know that…this can't be easy on you either Carter, I mean us bringing you aboard also screwed up your life, hell we ruined you marriage"

There was no humor there, he was genuinely sorry for that, but what could she expect, he wasn't there when the fight happened, he didn't know her side of the story, so how could he see that they had nothing to do with her divorce.

"Jack listen to me, that…"

"Wasn't my fault? That's what you were going to say, to be honest I don't know and I can't bring myself to care anymore if it was or if it wasn't, but I know that if you had never came back you would still be married and your kid would still have a father"

"That's not true…you have to believe me Jack"

"Why Sam? Why should I believe you? Are you going to say that you being here didn't contribute to the fact that you got divorced?"

She closed her mouth and looked away, of course, it had contributed to that fact, hell the primary reason her marriage had ended was standing before her.

"Just what I thought"

"Say what you have to say and let's just stop this!"

She couldn't stand it anymore, she needed to get out of here, she needed so air, everything was coming at her to fast, she was caught in a riptide of emotions and she couldn't get out, couldn't even argue. Everything Jack was telling her had hit her hard and she didn't have the heart to tell him what her feelings were, she couldn't put him through this not again. So she would step back, she would let him make the call and despite how much it was going to hurt her she would bury her feeling for him just like she had done before, because she had put him through too much to do this to him again.

Jack smiled at her words and closed his eyes, they had been wrong, she didn't have those deep feelings for him that they all talked about. She was staring at him hard, wanting this to be over with as soon as possible. He had been wrong also, whatever feelings once existed between them had always been one sided, she didn't love him, she cared for him sure but love, it had been a stretch. Looking closely at her he could see that she just wanted out of this conversation, that she didn't want anything to do with this anymore, closing his eyes and turning away he gave her just that.

"I don't want to have to deal with another situation like last time, tell the others we have reached an understanding"

"Yes sir"

With those words she walked away, and so did Jack, but if they had looked a little close at one another they could have seen through there mask, and would have seen that both of them had died a little in that moment. From within the shadows a figure emerged and shakes his massive head, the mission was over before it began.

"He will fail"

"We should do something; the Furlings will find out his weakness and exploit it"

"I am worried about the ancients; they have a way of meddling with our affairs and still believe to be none intrusive"

The Nox nodded at the massive Reetou, he was right, the ancients would be present in this little gathering, just as observers, or at least that is what they claimed.

"We should have told him"

"It would do little to aid him"

The two vanished into thin air, both worried about the human.

Walter dialed the gate and frowned at the two figures standing in front of it, the General had done too much to be put in this situation. It wasn't fair for him to have to risk everything just so that they could be have an alliance with another race. How dangerous was this gathering he didn't know and to be honest he didn't want to find out, the only thing that came to mind when they had first given him this mission was the General's daughter, if something were to happen to him, that little girl would be lost.

"Walter all set?"

"Yes sir! Good luck sir"

Jack smiled and nodded at the man, that geeky little nerd had become one hell of a friend in the past years; even become one of April is two favorite people on the base, Siler being the other one. He nodded to him and the gate came to life, this would be the last mission he would be on and it was a relief, looking back, he saw General Hammond with his friends and family and smiled.

"Hey why the long faces? This will be a piece of cake!"

"Just be careful out there son"

He smiled and nodded at the General, looking at the rest he could see that they wanted to say something, they wanted to speak and tell him good luck and so on but they couldn't. The worry that was present in their faces was all he needed to know that they couldn't speak, they were holding back, being brave for him.

"I see you guys later"

With that, he turned around and walked through the gate, Teal'c took a deep breath and turned to the gathered people on the ramp.

"On my life he will come back"

The Jaffa turned to the gate and vanished, following Jack trough the unknown, behind the people gathered began to separate in and leave, the gate had died down and there was nothing more to say or do. All they could do was wait and hope.

JANET & DANIEL

2 hours and counting, the mission was underway and all Jack is friends could do was wait and see if things turned out okay. This was a dangerous mission, the races had a trial test for Jack, what that entailed was unknown to most of them; all they knew was that it could be dangerous. The Furlings were warriors and scientist alike, they dwelled on modern science while also respecting warrior trials and codes of honor, they were unlike any of the other races they had encountered, and that was what was dangerous about this mission. Simply walking into a test without knowing the answers or what the questions would be was stupid enough, but walking knowing that this is what was awaiting you was downright insane.

Daniel looked at Janet and frowned, the woman was doing paper work as if she were possessed, all he had seen was a stack of piles on her desk and her pen scribbling furiously on some papers, he smiled at the sight, not too long ago he had been doing the exact Same thing. He was down on his lab cataloging some artifacts when he had seen a book that Janet had loaned him, that had snapped him out of his funk and caused him to go to her. Looking at Janet he knew that he had done the right thing, the woman is face was filled with concern, even though she was doing paper work her mind was miles away, just like his had been right before he remember that he didn't have to go through this anxiety all on his own, he had Janet.

"I am going to kill them you know"

Daniel looked at his girlfriend and smiled; he lifted a small tray and smiled at Janet.

"I thought you could use a snack?"

She smiled and waved him over, Daniel smiled and sat the tray on what little space her desk had, she smiled and grabbed a cupcake from the tray, the man knew how to please a woman, and cinnamon cupcakes were her favorite and coffee to boot. Yeah this would work; but then again their nerves were too fried to really eat anything. So she just looked at her food and Daniel smirked, he had done the Same thing in his office, but then again they had a good reason to be concern. Jack and Teal'c are off on some crazy mission to recruit some arrogant aliens to help them out in the war and all they can do is sit back and wait there return, yeah that had them crawling up the walls with worry.

"Who? The Furlings?"

"No, I am talking about Jack and Teal'c, did you know that they cut us off from the mission?"

Daniel cleared his throat and looked away, of course he knew, hell Jack had told him that a while back; Janet seeing his reaction glared at the man. Daniel was not a very good liar and if he was all fidgeting on his sit then that meant that he was hiding something.

"You knew didn't you?"

Chuckling a little Daniel nodded and Janet frowned even more, of course he knew, why wouldn't he know, he was one of the guys after all.

"Jack told me a while back, but it was for a good reason"

Janet rolled her eyes, of course he was going to say that, if he didn't his ass would be flying out her office, she didn't particularly like the thought of him keeping something from her, especially when that something concern Jack.

"Oh? Please enlighten me Dr. Jackson"

"Oh come on Janet, don't be like that…Jack wanted…well he wanted to keep us safe, and….and he wanted us to look after April"

The anger vanished from Janet, instead it was replaced with sadness. Jack was always looking out for them, when were they going to look out for him? It wasn't fair to put so much on that man and expect him to be all right.

"I can't understand that…Daniel…about the other day"

She wanted to punch herself, Jack had always done right by them and they somehow always seem to complicate his life, instead of making it easier they always managed to make him feels uncomfortable or just down right out of the loop and he didn't deserve that. Daniel nodded and felt a pang of guilt at Janet's words, they were all in on the little gather, and even though it was planned with the best intentions, it hand ended up causing more trouble than it was worth.

"Yeah I know, we screwed up but…I know he understands that we did the wrong thing for the right reasons"

"You really think that?"

Daniel frowned, he knew the old saying about how the road to hell was built on good intentions, but he couldn't admit that they had screwed this up so badly, if he didn't then he could be admitting that they didn't really know Jack.

"Yeah I do"

He smiled and walked over to her, sitting down beside her he wraps his arms around her and gently places a kiss on her for head.

"When he comes home we are going to have a huge talk"

"Ah Janet not again"

Daniel was annoyed, he didn't know what to do, he didn't know if he should just back off and let things blow over or do exactly what Janet was thinking. He knew that everything had been civil around them but ever since there talk with Sam they knew that thing had gone far worse than they had originally believed.

"You know I have to Daniel, this isn't about Sam or any of that, I just don't want to lose him as a friend, I don't know if you can understand this Daniel but….back when you were with Sara he…he really helped"

Daniel froze and pulled away from Janet, but before his arms could leave her body he feels Janet is hand pulling him back towards her, her eyes meet his and she frowns at the look of concern on Daniel is face.

"Please don't bright that up Janet"

"Daniel we haven't talked about it, you keep avoiding the subject"

"How did this conversation turned to this? This isn't about you and me Janet, god do you really want me to listen about you and Jack?!"

This time when he pulled away Janet didn't hold him back, she pushed him away from her and stood up from her seat, Daniel closed his eyes and took a deep breath this isn't what he had in mind when he came into her office.

"Get out"

"Janet come on, this is"

"I don't want the ghost of my past to interfere with our relationship Daniel, but you not wanting to talk about it really worried me"

"WHAT IS THERE TO TALK ABOUT?!"

Janet could see the frustration mounting, the anger was bubbling and it the first sign was his little scream, she knew that she needed to do this. She had always suspected that Daniel had a problem with her past relationship with Jack, that is why he was holding back on their relationship.

"LOTS DANIEL, THERE IS LOTS TO TALK ABOUT!"

"Like what?! Like how you let Jack screw your brains out?! Fine then let me regale you with how I fucked Sara, hell we can share our little intimate moments wi.."

***SLAP***

"Get out"

"Janet I…"

"Get out Daniel, please just get out"

Daniel clenched his fist and walked out the door, this is not what he was hoping for, hell he didn't even know why he had said such a thing, he knew that Janet had a past, hell he had one also. He had been married for god sake and then he had been with Sara, but that was in the past, he didn't want to remember that time, he wanted to live in the here and now, so why did Janet continued to bring up her past with Jack?

"Everything all right son?"

Daniel froze, slowly he turned around and saw a very concern General Hammond looking at him, there was a hint of anger and annoyance directed at him, much like a father would look at you when you fought with one of your siblings. The General had been checking on all personal to see if everything was all right and to be reacquainted with the old base, when he had dropped by to see Janet the last thing he had expected to hear was a lovers' quarrel.

"Yes sir, just…"

"You don't have to say anything son, but maybe you should think about what she said"

"How so?"

"Maybe she doesn't have a problem with your past relationships, but son, even I know that you have a problem with her old one"

Hammond smiled and patted the man on the shoulder before walking away, Daniel just looked at the retreating for of the General and closed his eyes, this was what Janet was trying to do, she was trying to get him to move forward. He wasn't stuck in his past relationships he was stuck on Janet is past relationship.

"Damn it"

To be continued….

A BIG THANK YOU GO OUT TO CBass

Who took it upon herself to beta the whole darn story and send it to me big thanks to her and now that I have a beta the works will continue on