Let me know if you hate me after this chapter!
It's been less than a week since Zedd, Cara, Richard, Kahlan and Cassie had come back to the Palace in Aydindrill. Things were the same, except from the Mord'Sith that had arrived from the People's Palace after learning that their Lord Rahl's life was in danger. There were eleven of them, twelve with Cara. Each of them, ready to do anything for their leader. Tim had greeted them at the entrance of the Palace when they came back, he was not dead during the attack. They had spared his life because he was a victim of the evil monstrous Mother Confessor even if he had fought by her side. As for Cassie, she had her powers easily restored by Zedd.
Kahlan didn't take any time to rest and quickly went back to her duties and here they were, all gathered in the reception room of the Palace, well-guarded by Mord'Sith as dignitaries from the Midlands and D'Hara were enjoying themselves at the reception thrown by the Mother Confessor in order to show them that she wasn't to be feared anymore.
Looking at her from afar, Richard knew he had never seen someone so beautiful and so perfect. Her long dark brown hair gathered into a braid, her deep blue eyes he would be willing to drown himself into, her mouth calling for his… His body responded to hers almost against his will. His only disappointment was that she wasn't smiling. He loved her smile. He knew that he shouldn't, but he dared to look down at her body. Her breasts, her hips… it was all to endearing and he wished he could tear her clothing into pieces. That red leather was the only thing keeping his lips away from her body… That and the people around them.
No one knew though, how he felt about her. It was like a revelation for him when he first saw her and her sisters of the agiel, swearing to protect and serve him until their last breathes.
The Mother Confessor came into his sigh and his attention turned to her, he knew better than to keep staring at the Mord'Sith, people would notice his behavior.
Kahlan… It felt strange looking at her. He knew he had to talk to her at some point but now was not the time. He still had to deal with his own feelings. He kept wondering how he could have loved her so much only to fall in love with someone else. Love at first sight probably, just like he fell in love with Kahlan in the first place. He still had feelings for Kahlan, she was the mother of his child after all, but it was more like friendship, like what he shared with Cara. It was sudden and knew to him, to love someone else than Kahlan, to want someone else than Kahlan.
He always thought that he would love his Confessor until the end of his life, and yet, here he was, daydreaming to make love to another woman.
"Lord Rahl." The Mord'Sith surprised him by calling him. So lost in his thoughts, he didn't realized that she had moved to stand next to him.
He cleared his throat and said: "What can I do for you Lena?"
"Oh, they are many, many things that you can do for me Lord Rahl, but I'm here to serve you… So the question is, what can I do for you?" She purred in his ear.
His breath stuck in his throat and he swallowed hard, unable to make any words come out of his mouth.
"I've seen the way you've been looking at me and I wanted you to know that I'm completely at your service to take care of your every need, my Lord." Lena added in a whisper before walking away from him to the spot that Cara had assigned her to.
It took Richard a moment to gather his thoughts. His body and mind ached with need. He didn't dare to look into her eyes, scared that he wouldn't be able to fight the urge to take her.
"Are you enjoying the evening?" Kahlan asked him, startling him once again. What was wrong with him? Women kept sneaking next to him without him even noticing. Maybe it was in his veins, as the Lord Rahl, to be distracted by the natural beauty of a Mord'Sith.
"Huh… Yes." He replied simply, looking at the crowd in front of him.
They stood silent for a moment until he finally turned to her and asked: "Is Cassie asleep yet?"
"I hope so. Sylvia has strict orders not to let her up too late." Kahlan explained with a small smile.
"How did she sleep last night?" He inquired, anxious about the well-being of his daughter.
"Better, but she woke up early." Kahlan said. Ever since they came back to the Palace, the little girl had problems falling asleep and she also had nightmares. She would only fall asleep in Kahlan's arms and sleep in her bed. After a few nights, she started to sleep normally again, and in her own bed.
"Good." Richard simply replied and he turned his attention back to the crowd.
There was another long moment of silence and he heard her silently taking a huge breath, he knew her too well to deduce that she had something on her mind and that she was gathering her strengths to talk to him about it.
He turned to her again and asked: "Is there something wrong?"
She looked down and nodded. Tears gathered in her eyes and she said: "The way you used to look at me… it's gone."
He closed his eyes, ashamed of being in love with someone else.
"Lena, she's beautiful." Kahlan started. She let her hand rest on his chest above his heart and she said: "It's okay not to love me anymore."
"Kahlan…" He started but she cut him off.
"It's okay." She repeated before adding: "You and I… we lost our way… I'm not meant to be a wife Richard, not meant to be Lady Rahl."
He took both of her hands in his and said: "I'm so sorry." He knew lying to her was useless, telling her that he still loved her wouldn't do her any good.
She did her best to smile at him and said: "You don't have to. It's for the best. She will give you everything you deserve… a son and maybe another daughter. I'm happy for you."
She knew what she had to say to set him free, for him to go that Mord'Sith without any second thoughts.
"Will you still let me see Cassie?" He asked.
"Of course Richard. I'm sure Cassie will enjoy having some brothers or sisters to play with." She told him, trying to smile.
He sighed and said: "I'm so sorry. I wish I hadn't fallen for her."
"I'm glad that you did." She lied. "Friends?" She asked him.
He nodded and said: "Friends."
She faked a yawn and told him: "I guess it's time for me to get some rest. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Goodnight Kahlan." He said. He was mad at himself for hurting her. But he didn't know what to do, he couldn't lie to her about his feelings, it wouldn't be fair to her.
"Goodnight." She replied before leaving the room.
She made her way to her chambers and felt relieved when she finally got inside. She greeted Sylvia with a small smile.
"She's been asleep for a while now." The maid said, talking about Cassie.
Kahlan nodded and the maid added: "I'll see you tomorrow."
Unable to speak without breaking into pieces, Kahlan nodded again and Sylvia left the room.
The Mother Confessor sat on her bed and finally, she let herself go and cried. After a while, she dried her tears and walked to her daughter's room and watched her sleep for a while. She was beautiful, sleeping peacefully while clutching to her father's shirt. Kahlan let herself imagine that Richard was next to her, holding her in his strong arms as they watched their daughter sleep. The shiver that ran through her body made her realize that she was all alone and for good this time.
She walked back to her bed and sat down. She knew she wouldn't be getting any sleep, just like every night since they came back to the Palace. She just couldn't sleep, the guilt and pain were too heavy on her. The first few nights, she took care of Cassie who also had troubles sleeping but now, she just used the night to get more work done or to read. It felt like she was being back at the time when Richard was gone on his quest, only he was now a few steps away. She had to stop thinking about him, this is what she wanted for him. To be happy, to have an heir for D'Hara and the big family he always dreamt of. She smiled bitterly at the thought of all the times he had talked to her about the family they would have. More daughters than they could count, with their mother's smile and heart. He used to look for names that he knew would drive her crazy.
She had to make plans for her future, she had to let the Council know that she couldn't be with child anymore. Maybe they would destitute her of her title of Mother Confessor, they could do it and she wouldn't fight them. Perhaps she could go back to living the simple life of Confessors. Travelling from town to town to bring justice in the Midlands. No, she was being irrational, she couldn't stay away from her daughter and she couldn't separate her from Richard either.
With a sigh, she let herself fall on the bed. She stared at the ceiling and she thought about him again. How he made love to her on this very bed, how he was so passionate and good lover that she never had the time to notice the ceiling above her head when they were together. And now another would enjoy having him in her bed. Would the Mord'Sith satisfy him more than her? Will he whisper her name lovingly? Mord'Sith knew how to pleasure a man, it was obvious that Richard would enjoy their time together. Would he miss the power of Confession running through him? She wondered how different it could be, being with someone else. She only made love to Richard and even if she didn't want to be with anyone else, she still wondered how it would feel.
She remembered the time when he was confessed to another Confessor. As hard as it was to hear him say that he was in love with his Mistress, this time it was hurting even more. What would their children look like? From the union of a Mord'Sith and Lord Rahl could only come a powerful child. A boy. The next ruler of D'Hara. Would he be called Michael or George? She had always dreamt of being able to give Richard a son and call him after his brother or his father. She knew the chances were slim to bare a boy for a Confessor but most importantly, she feared the consequences of giving birth to a male Confessor. The truth was, not only she knew that Richard wanted a son, but she wanted a son too, his son. She wanted a son that she couldn't have. She wanted a lot of things that she couldn't have but knowing that Richard could have them was making her feel a little better.
She got up quickly, needing to keep him out of her head. She walked to the window to admire the city. It was already late but there was still a few fires lighting the streets or the houses.
Everything would have been easier if he had hated her for who she was after Denna told him the truth about the power of Confession. She cursed herself for letting her mind being submerged with thoughts about him.
A soft knock at the door startled her, whoever was behind that door knew that Cassie was sleeping. Maybe it was him, maybe he had fought the urge to take that Mord'Sith to his bed.
She quickly and hopefully walked to the door and opened it.
"Cara…" She said when she saw the Mord'Sith.
"You look disappointed." Cara replied as she made her way inside the room without invitation.
"I wasn't expecting you." Kahlan said as she closed the door to find the Mord'Sith with her arms crossed over her chest.
"What's gotten into him?" She sharply asked.
"I don't want to talk about it." Kahlan replied, making her way back to the window.
Cara sat on the bed and said: "That makes sense though, Lena kinds of looks like you."
"I said that I don't want to talk about it." Kahlan repeat, with an angrier tone.
"Fine!" Cara said, rolling her eyes, she got up and walk to Cassie's room.
"You should be sleeping little Confessor Rahl." Kahlan heard Cara say to her daughter.
"Cawa! Cawa!" The little girl squealed happily, making Kahlan smile a little.
"I wonder how you can have such a joyful temper with the brooding parents you have." Cara told the little girl.
Cara re-entered the room with the little girl in her arms.
"She wasn't sleeping." Cara said, trying to look annoyed to have a baby in her arms.
"She was sleeping before you stormed in." Kahlan replied, finally turning to face her friend.
"Take her." Cara ordered. "I'm not here to baby sit, just to follow Lord Rahl's orders and take care of your security."
"I think she's just fine with you." Kahlan told her with a smile as Cassie was resting her head on Cara's shoulder, tightly holding onto her father's shirt.
"Looks like you became quite friends during your little journey." The Mother Confessor teased.
Cara suddenly grew serious and said: "Kahlan."
"Don't say it." Kahlan almost begged.
"You don't even know what I'm about to say." Cara told her.
"I know by the tone of your voice that I don't want to hear it." She said, letting out a small sigh.
"You can't stay locked in your room forever with that sad look on your face." Cara said.
"I know." Kahlan replied softly.
It was Cara's turn to sigh and she said: "Do it for your daughter, she needs a healthy, smiling, well rested mother."
Kahlan could only nod and Cara said: "I'm getting little Confessor Rahl back to her bed and when I come back, I expect you to be in bed as well."
Knowing that Cara wouldn't leave her alone if she didn't comply, Kahlan quickly changed into her nightgown and got in bed with a book in her hands before her friend came back to the room.
"I see I still can knock some senses into you." Cara said with a proud smile.
Kahlan nodded and Care added: "Well, goodnight Kahlan."
"Goodnight Cara. I'll see you tomorrow." She replied with a smile.
"I'm right behind the door if you need me." Cara said.
"I know, thank you." Kahlan said.
With one last stern look Cara left the room and closed the door behind her leaving Kahlan alone with her broken heart.