Gray Days and Longer Evenings Gray Days and Longer Evenings

BPOV

After coming home from dinner and costume shopping with Roxanne I was wiped out. I took a deep breath before walking in the door, hoping that Ian wasn't waiting for us. I really didn't want to deal with this issue tonight; I was too tired.

Roxanne was the first through the door and I peeked around her to make sure the coast was clear. No one was lingering in the hallway; I was safe. Heading towards the coat rack I pulled the poncho over my head and hung it up. I stopped short midway between hanging it, is that Edward's scent I smell? No it couldn't be, I hung up the poncho. Yes, I definitely smelled his scent. What was wrong with me? Now I smelled him when I was awake, this is getting out of hand. Shaking my head, I determined that sleep was what I needed; I was probably more tired than I thought. Climbing the stairs to our room, I sighed. It was a long day filled with thoughts of Edward, that's what's wrong…this is why I'm imagining his scent.

After changing into my pajamas, I climbed into bed. Reaching for my iPod on the nightstand my hand felt nothing. What? Where was my iPod? I sat up and looked in the drawer, nothing. Quickly looking under the table and bed, I began to panic. Where's my iPod? It was here this morning; I was playing with it while talking on the phone with everyone. Looking around the room, I headed for my desk. It wasn't there. I dumped out my backpack; I didn't put it in there either. Now what…I didn't want to go downstairs; Ian might still be up and I'm sure I just barely escaped. Crap, what could I have done with it.

Thinking hard, I decided leaving Roxanne a note asking if she had seen it will do for now. Maybe she borrowed it, you never knew with Rox. I scribbled my note to her and climbed back into bed; closing my eyes tightly wishing for sleep to take me away. I would be returning to school and work tomorrow. Thank goodness, at least this would occupy my thoughts with something other than Ian or Edward. The distraction was welcomed.

I felt my eyelids getting heavy and fell fast asleep. My dreams were vivid once again; Edward was standing in front of me. His face was desperate, he was saying something but I couldn't hear him. I need to know, explain yourself, I was shouting. He just shook his head while backing away until he disappeared. I shouted after him, no…don't leave; please stay. I need to know what you were saying. Falling to my knees, my head on the ground…I sobbed.

I woke with a start; my face still wet with tears. The light was on; Roxanne was sitting up looking at me with pity in her eyes. Hanging my head I said, "Don't Rox, I can't get into it, I don't want to relive it." I sobbed.

She came to my bed and held me. "Bella it will get better, it has to. You can't go on like this; please I'm begging you talk to someone. I'm not helping and this is ripping you apart." She whispered while soothing my sobs by stroking my hair.

Pulling back from her and wiping the fresh tears from my face I said, "Roxanne, no amount of talking will make this end. I know what's wrong; my other half is missing. A person can't live without a part of themselves…its like needing air or water. My subconscious has been reminding me what is missing ever since I got involved with Ian. I'm not consciously pushing Ian away; this is my subconscious telling me I'm settling. I know you don't understand, but surely even you must see this isn't just a high school crush," my eyes pleaded with her. She had to understand, I needed her to understand.

"Shhh, it's okay. I'm beginning to see how much he meant to you. We'll figure this out Bella, I promise. You're my best friend; we'll work this out together. Now lie down and try to get some sleep. It's important you get sleep, we have classes tomorrow and you need to rest." She gently pushed my shoulders back so my head rested on the pillow and pulled the covers up to my neck. "Do you want me to leave the light on?" she asked.

Shaking my head no, she reached up and turned out the light before heading back to her own bed. Laying there in the dark, I thought about what she said. I didn't know how we would make this all right, he had moved on and there was no way to turn back time. The only thing to do now was to learn how to live without him and deal with the subconscious thoughts when they came. The fact that they had become more frequent was probably due to my feelings for Ian, being so conflicted memories I had suppressed for over a year were now coming forward. I had to correct that tomorrow, I thought as my lids began to get heavy.

When I woke up the next morning the sky was a pearly gray. It reflected my mood; although I was able to fall back asleep it didn't do anything to improve my mood. I was melancholy and just wanted to stay in bed. Knowing this was impossible; I threw the covers off and headed for the bathroom to prepare for the day knowing it would be a long one. Roxanne was gone already and this gave me the extra time in the shower I needed.

Heading down to the kitchen to grab a bite to eat, I stepped through the door carefully. I wasn't quite ready to face the day yet. There was no one around. Great, this gave me a chance to have a cup of coffee and mentally prepare. When I went to the table I noticed there was an envelope sitting on it with my name scrawled on the front. Upon closer examination, I noticed it was Ian's handwriting, sighing I opened it. Hey, hope you had fun last night. I hope today goes well but remember to take it easy. I'll drop by the store later; maybe we can have dinner? Folding it I placed it in my backpack, this really was going to be a long day.

Chugging the rest of my coffee I rinsed it out my mug and placed it in the sink. Walking to the door, I noticed a new item on the community board. Looking closer to see what it was my hand grasped it. It was a recipe for mushroom ravioli. I staggered a bit as I looked at it. This brought back a moment in time I hadn't thought about in over a year. The feelings it evoked in me today were as clear as the evening they happened. The excitement of being with him, the anticipation of finding out more about him, the way he studied my face; that was the evening all barriers were broken down. I hadn't realized it but my hand was shaking as I held the recipe card in my hand, these memories were so clear and lovely but I had pushed them from my mind so long ago. I smiled as I remembered the way he made me feel that evening, like I was the most important person in the room. Earth to Bella, enough reminiscing I was going to be late for class if I didn't get moving.

Putting the card back on the board, I walked out and grabbed my poncho. As I slipped it over my head again I smelled his scent it wasn't as strong this morning. This was getting ridiculous, I needed to get out of this house, someplace where the memories wouldn't cascade down on me. School and work were just what I needed.

My classes did the trick; my attention was diverted from both Ian and Edward. As I headed to work after my Integrating Technology class I remembered I needed to show Ian my pictures. I really wanted to know what I was doing wrong; maybe there was a defect with my camera. When he came to the store later, I would show him the pictures.

Entering the store I noticed John had set up a folding table and chair in the corner closest to the window. He looked up and came around the counter. "Bella, how are you feeling? I was sorry to hear about your accident, does it hurt much?" he asked as he took my backpack from me putting it behind the counter.

"No, it's much better; of course I'll have this on for several weeks." I grimaced.

"When Ian called to let me know you would be returning to work today I was surprised. Delighted, but surprised. I have an assignment I think you'll like and will be able to accomplish with one arm. Have a seat, I set this table up to make it easy." He said as he pulled some books out of a box from the floor.

"I'd like you to review these books and decorations to set up my front window." He said smiling. As I looked at the titles my heart stopped momentarily. "How does that sound? I thought you'd like to do something a little more creative today."

"Um, sure. I've never done anything like this though. I'm not sure I'm really qualified; at Newton's where I used to work, Mrs. Newton always took care of the windows." I said as I picked up each book and placed them on the table.

"I'm sure it will be fine. You seem to have a flair for the interior of the store, now you're just extending the talent so people on the street can see your abilities" he chuckled as he patted my shoulder. "I'll leave you to it. If you need any assistance just let me know." He said as he walked back to his office.

Was every book in that box about vampires? This had to be some sort of sick joke, did he know…no way! Oh good grief, it was Halloween. Why wouldn't he put these books in the window? I was making way too much out of this, a normal person wouldn't give the titles a second thought. Snap out of it Bella!

I decided to focus on the decorations first, this way I wouldn't get too caught up in the subject matter of the books. Pulling the items out of the box, I shook my head…yeah this wasn't helping either. Inside the box were, false teeth, plastic crosses, fake garlic; it even had a cape and a wooden dagger. This assignment was not helping my mood at all. I sat heavily back on the chair.

John came walking out from the back just then; he was frowning. I guess he thought I should have gotten further on the assignment. Not wanting to disappoint him, I started sorting through the books to select the ones I thought might be good.

"Bella, if you don't want to dress the window, I'll do it. My intent was to give you a task that could be easily managed with one arm," he said as he walked up along side me.

"No, I'm fine. Are you sure you want to put all these books in the window?" I asked.

"Yes, one of my better customers suggested it after seeing my display over there. Apparently interest is increasing on this subject." He was looking at the books I selected. I sighed and grabbed some of the books as I made my way into the window. He helped me gather the books and I focused on the task at hand. Might as well, just get it done.

I had just completed the window and was settling in behind the counter when Ian walked in the door. Smiling as he entered he said, "Hey, you look great. How do you feel?"

"Good, you're a little early though. I don't get off for another half hour." I said trying to keep the anxiety out of my voice. Tonight was the night I had to let him know my true feelings; I gulped at the thought.

"Sorry, should I come back? I thought I'd come a little early to see how you were managing." He said with some disappointment in his voice.

"No, it's fine. My concern was for you, I didn't want you to get bored hanging out here. Oh…I know; you won't be bored. If you don't mind could you look at some of my pictures, there seems to be some odd blur marks in them. I'm probably doing something wrong, but maybe it's a defect in my camera." I said as I pulled my laptop out of my backpack.

He chuckled, "Sure, I'd bet anything it's a setting you switched on the camera, knowing you. Let's see."

Turning the laptop to face him I walked around the front of the counter and stood by him. I didn't have to indicate the spots I was talking about; he saw them immediately. "Huh, that is odd. This isn't a setting on the camera, Bella. It looks like something in the image moved at the moment you snapped the shutter." He said puzzled as he put his face closer to the LCD on the laptop.

Staring at the pictures, I was confused. "What do you mean?"

Standing up to his full height, he looked at me and pointed at the photo on the screen. "You see this spot, it looks like something was there and moved when you took the picture; causing the blur. Didn't you see anything when you took the picture?"

Shaking my head no I said, "But how can that be, look Ian…all of these photos have the spots. Are you telling me every time I was taking a picture there was something that moved in them?"

"It's an odd coincidence, but that's what it is. Sorry I didn't have a more suitable answer for you. You just need to be more careful when setting up your shots. No big deal, they're still nice pictures." He said smiling as he shut down the program and closed the laptop. "Are you ready for dinner? Your work day is officially over and I don't know about you; but I'm hungry."

I was staring at the counter confused, I wasn't a professional photographer by any stretch of the imagination, but this was really peculiar. You would think I would have seen something in the shots, there were so many with that odd blur.

"Bella, are you all right?" he asked lifting my chin so I was making eye contact with him.

"Yeah, fine." I said absently. "Let's go get something to eat. John, I'm heading home now," I shouted.

As he walked out of his office he called out, "Have a good night. Thanks for the window, it looks great."

Ian looked down at me, "Window? What's he talking about?"

"He had me decorate the window for Halloween," I said as I pointed at the window. I looked at it and smiled, it really did look festive. Ian wrapped his arm around me proudly and kissed me on top of my head.

"It looks great, vampires huh, another fascination of yours? I always thought they were interesting, I guess it's another thing we have in common," he chuckled. "So I guess one armed Bella is just as talented as the two armed one. Let's get something to eat," he said as he wrapped his arm around me pulling me away from the window.

We found a nice little pub on Church Street and after reviewing the menu we ordered. I looked across the table at him after the waitress left. He was smiling slightly, I sighed and unwrapped my silverware from the napkin. "Bella, you can tell me about your past now, I'm ready to listen," he said reaching across the table and taking my hand.

"You may regret those words after I tell you," I whispered softly not sure if I was saying it for him to hear or just thinking out loud. "You're right it's time." I looked up into his face knowing that in a few short moments I was going to hurt him.

I proceeded telling him everything about my relationship with Edward. He never interrupted; he just let me tell my story. The waitress brought the food and he ate while I played with my food telling him my story. His face never betrayed what he was thinking; Edward's ability would be really useful right now.

When I finished, he sat back sighed and pushed his plate away gently. "That's some story Bella. I'm sorry he put you through all of that. Not intending to sound uncaring, but what does all this mean for us?"

Swallowing hard I looked at him, "I needed to tell you everything so you would understand thoroughly when I ask you to forgive me. You are a great guy Ian. I really thought I was ready to move on, but after the accident I realized I'm not ready. Edward was and is still the only man to hold my heart." I paused to gauge his reaction. This was difficult and I didn't want to make it worse by babbling.

"So, let me see if I have this correct. This guy you met in high school, puts you in danger numerous times, walks away leaving you in a forest never looking back and you're telling me you still love him?" he asked sincerely wanting to understand.

Reaching my hand up to my temple I began rubbing to ease the tension. "When you put it like that it does sound crazy, but Ian I can't help the way I feel. You are wonderful and I was happy with you, but it wasn't the same. I won't give you details of how Edward made me feel, it's not fair to you. Please understand I've been struggling with this decision." I said looking at him trying hard to keep the tears at bay.

Shaking his head slowly he said, "You're right Bella. I knew you were upset about something. You see, the way I feel about you, I can read your emotions like they're my own. The hardest part about this is you haven't even given us a chance. You're shutting down your feelings before having an opportunity to discover what we could be. It makes me sad to think that you will spend so much time loving someone who doesn't even have the courtesy to make sure you are safe before walking away."

The tears were streaming down my face now; there was no stopping them. "Ian please, I never meant to hurt you like this…"

"Stop Bella." He was angrier than I've ever seen him. "You had your say, now it's my turn," he sighed and continued. "Screw how I feel, I'll be fine. Don't you see what you are doing? You are longing for someone that doesn't return your love; sacrificing any future you may have for a boy that has moved on. You have so much love to offer someone. Okay, maybe I'm not that guy, we'll never know now…but you deserve to be happy. What you're telling me tonight is you aren't even willing to explore the possibility." He looked down at his hands, then back at me.

My voice was gone; there was nothing I could say. His words cut deeply and I deserved everything he was saying and more. "Ian…"

He held his hand up to stop me from saying anything. "Bella, please don't apologize again. I couldn't take that, the words don't mean anything." He kept staring at my face, looking for something, his face held pain and contempt. I couldn't hold his gaze any longer; the tears were making it hard to see.

Pulling out his wallet he put some cash on the table, stood and said, "Come on, I'll take you home."

I sat in the chair shaking my head no. "Bella let's go. I'm not leaving you here and I really don't have the stomach to sit here any longer." He waited until I stood up and then abruptly walked to the door with me in his wake.

Silence surrounded us on our way home and when we walked in the door he marched up the stairs to his room. Not wanting to head up right then I walked through the common room and sat out on the deck to collect myself. I was right this morning when I woke; this was a long day. I sat back on the chaise lounge and pulled my knees to my chest crying until the tears wouldn't come any longer.