Desires

Insert Disclaimer here...

BPOV

I was anxious coming back after the interview and could tell right away when I entered the common room most everyone there was talking about what Derrick had done. It's hard for anyone to understand how I might feel on this, but I actually feel bad for him. He was probably a very lonely person, he probably never went on a date before – I mean before Edward I never dated, so the possibility could easily have existed. My having dinner with him probably was confusing and when I rejected him it just made it that much harder.

I was disappointed in everyone in the house, because they were talking about him so cruelly and never took the time to get to know him – yet here they sat talking about him. It was annoying, but I couldn't focus on that. I really needed to find Ian so we could talk and he could go see his Mom for her birthday.

Heading down the stairs I couldn't believe how nervous I was, my palms were sweating, my heart was racing. As I came around the corner I heard music playing lightly and as I glanced towards the pool table I didn't see him. Movement out of the corner of my eye caught my attention. He was sitting on an old beat up couch with his head slumped back and his eyes closed. I wasn't sure if he was sleeping, because it's not like I'm a graceful person, he should have heard me clomping down the steps.

As I stepped lightly to his side, he opened one eye looked at me and then closed it again. He patted the seat next to him, "Sit Bella, I've been waiting for you. How did it go with Detective Hammond?"

"Um, okay I guess. How about yours?" I was seated on the edge of the couch not wanting to sit back, actually if I was being completely honest I wanted to bolt from the room. It was unusual how calm he seemed, like he was resting from a long day – he didn't seem anxious or hurt.

I had to turn slightly to see him; he hadn't opened his eyes. Shrugging he said, "I guess it went okay, all I had to tell him was how I came upon the scene and what happened when I did. He did ask a couple of questions about earlier in the year, so somebody else must have filled him in on your earlier encounters."

"You won't get into any trouble for beating him up, will you?" I asked as I turned sideways on the couch and put my left leg up under me.

"I don't think so, it all depends on whether or not he or his family want to press charges. I don't think they will though." The tone of his voice held a slight edge, but he still hadn't opened his eyes. His whole demeanor was making me even edgier.

"Did you hear that he'd be sent home under his mother's supervision? I really wanted to speak with him, but they wouldn't let me." Looking away from him and shaking my head slightly, I still didn't understand why I couldn't just confront him. They always show that on the TV programs – the person who gets attacked gets the opportunity to confront the attacker. What would have been the big deal, I wanted to let Derrick know he needed help. Maybe if I had the chance to tell him his advances weren't welcome he would understand and get the help he needed.

Ian shifted in his seat quickly and was staring at me in disbelief. "What's wrong with you Bella? Do you have a death wish or something? After everything he put you through you want to talk to him – I don't get you." He was angry, shaking his head in frustration.

Looking at him in surprise, what didn't he understand? "What? He wouldn't have been able to hurt me; I was in the police station. I just wanted the opportunity to find out why he did it; maybe then it would be easier. Right now, it's as if these past couple of days are like a bad dream. Everything has happened has been so surreal, it's hard to believe it's only been a couple of days – it seems more like months."

He positioned himself in the corner of the couch so he could look at me – no, more like glare at me. The look was hard and determined, full of accusations – I broke the gaze looking towards the pool table. I deserved this; he was justified in his hatred.

"Bella it has been months, where have you been. Yes, everything that happened occurred in just a few short hours but it was a culmination of things that happened over the course of the past month and a half. Derrick didn't wake up yesterday and decide he wanted to attack you…that's something that was building inside him for awhile." He sighed, "Everything else, all the other things that took place at the same time…well that too was developing over the course of the past couple of months." His voice had become softer and wistful.

My heart jumped a little, I couldn't look at him then for fear I would see the pain in his eyes. "I know, I'm sorry." He knew I wasn't talking about Derrick anymore, the apology hung in the air for a few moments.

"Me too. In a way, I wish I never met you." He put his head back on the couch and closed his eyes again. His words cut deep, I didn't want to lose him as a friend but he wished he never met me.

"I really am sorry, but especially sorry you feel that way. I'm glad I met you and got to know you. You're one of my closest friends and the thought that I've hurt you so much that you don't want to know me…well I wish I could turn back the clock."

I hung my head slightly thinking back on everything, if I had the chance to change everything how would I have changed it. Our relationship just happened, I never intended for him to like me in that way, I just wanted to be friends. But all along I knew he liked me more than as a friend and I let it continue. Deep inside my heart, I knew his attention was stronger than just mere friendship and I let it continue. In a way I was hoping it did develop into something – I was hoping for a replacement for Edward; like that was ever possible.

He spoke now and his voice was soft, barely louder than a whisper, "Don't take me wrong Bella. It's not you; it's me. I got my hopes up when I met you, the first time I saw you coming down the stairs and you fell into my arms…" He opened his eyes again, but they were distant as if seeing the moment again in his memory. "You were so irresistible, slightly flushed and scattered trying to maintain a decorum of grace." He chuckled lightly.

"My heart leapt in my chest and I knew I was in trouble. I hadn't felt that way in a very long time Bella, you literally fell into my life and knocked me off balance. I found when I spent time with you I could be myself easily – and that was a miracle. I have a past too you know, something happened to me and I had built a wall around my heart so that no one could penetrate it. But then you fell into my arms and the walls started cracking. I found myself saying things to you that took me by surprise." He shook his head and smiled a sad smile.

"What happened to you?" I whispered.

He looked at me for a long moment; I watched his eyes as they scanned my face. He was processing whether or not he should tell me the details. I saw the answer in his features before he spoke the words, "It's not important Bella, it was a lifetime ago and has no bearing on this." He looked away and stared at the wall, I could tell he was in pain and it wasn't just the pain from our relationship ending.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to pry. But…Ian, if it's like you say, if you have been hurt so badly that you closed yourself off to anyone – maybe you should tell someone." I stated with a slightly pleading tone. I couldn't stand that he was hurting; he was such a nice person and deserved to be happy.

He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye and then let out a breath, "It's really not relevant to this" he gestured with his hands towards himself and then me. "If I told you Bella, how would that change anything? Would you decide to be with me instead of him? I don't need a girlfriend that is with me out of pity – besides I've seen your relationship with Edward first hand. There's no getting around the fact that you two are meant for one another." His face hardened as he said this, I'd seen this type of resignation before on others faces…Edward's…Jake's.

Looking away quickly, I felt my mood shifting. I was getting angry; why did this always happen to me, I loved Edward more than anything and yet I kept encountering men who felt they had some right to ask more of me than I was capable of giving. My hand balled into a fist as I tried to quell my anger; it wasn't Ian's fault this kept happening. There was something about me that caused this – I must send out some sort of pheromone that made this happen. Inhaling deeply, I tried to get back to the point of what we were discussing, before I blurted something out causing this to spiral out of control.

"No, you're right – it wouldn't change anything Ian." I looked directly at him now, "My love for Edward is everlasting, this past year without him and his return has proven that to me and him. Besides, I would never date someone out of pity…if that were the case then I'd be dating Derrick right now, wouldn't I?" I spat out, my anger rising to the surface as my defensive nature kicked in.

He laughed bitterly, "Touché…so what's your point then?"

"My point is… well…" I was stuttering, what was the point. He didn't need to tell me about his past; after all I hadn't been completely honest with him when I realized he was interested. My anger had nothing to do with him, I was mad at myself for putting us in this position in the first place. I just wanted to shift some of the blame, perhaps if I knew there was someone else who caused his pain it would make me feel better somehow.

I put my head in my hands, "There is no point, and I don't know what I was trying to say. I'm desperate to find a way to remain your friend. I thought if you could tell me what happened then maybe together we could mend our relationship, I know it's stupid. But Ian, I just can't lose you, not because of this. I need to know my feelings for Edward aren't the cause of losing you."

The tears started coming now; I couldn't control them. This only made my frustration worse, I didn't want to cry – damn it! Wiping away the tears angrily, "No one has understood my feelings for Edward, my friends back home, my Dad and Mom, hell even Edward and I are baffled by the intensity of it. I just want everyone to know somehow that it's uncontrollable, there's a pull and draw that has it's own force. Edward and I, well Edward fought it for a long time, that's why he left. I tried to ignore it; the time away from him nearly killed me. Coming here was good for me; I grew up, made new friends – you being one of them. And now, now that he's back to lose some of what I've gained, I can't. It sounds selfish I know, but it's important to me that my friends here accept me…all of me." I sat back on the couch now, drained, I didn't even know it was pent up inside me until the words started coming out.

"Huh, wow…I didn't expect that. Do you really believe I could walk away and not be your friend Bella? Think about it, I just told you how you rocked my world and you think I'll just walk away and never look back." Something struck him then because he laughed, "Of course you do, what was I thinking. If Edward walked away then others will…I'm not Edward Bella," he said harshly.

My head whipped around to look at him, "That's not fair, you don't know him. You don't know what he's been through, what I've been through." I stood up to leave this wasn't going well. I knew he had a temper I'd seen it before, but he was attacking Edward now. In the past his anger was directed at me, I wouldn't sit here and listen to him diminish or disparage Edward's feelings.

He jumped up and stood in front of me blocking my path. "Why so defensive Bella, did I strike a chord? I'm not stupid Bella, there's no way I'm going to push myself on you. I can see very clearly what's going on here – you love him. I get that, but you just accused me of reacting as he would, walking away from you. That's not my style; I thought you knew that after the other day. Even after everything you told me in the restaurant, I still came back to you. Remember on the deck, our kiss."

He took my face into his hands then, "Okay, you love him. Maybe he is right for you, who am I to question that. But Bella, I'm not going anywhere, that's what I'm trying to tell you." He grabbed my arm and pulled me back to the couch.

"Edward and I had a talk while you were blacked out. I understand more than you probably know. If I know anything, I'm betting your boyfriend didn't tell you about this." He smiled slyly at me waiting to see if he was correct in his assumption.

Apparently my face conveyed the shock because he nodded and chuckled, "I knew it. Well, we had a nice long talk. He explained everything to me, why he left – what it felt like, how he feels now. We agreed I would step aside, for your sake. You don't deserve to be torn apart by his reappearance – as much as I hate this I wouldn't put you through that. You're as much a part of my life as you claim I am yours." Taking my hand in his, "I couldn't walk away, you've grown on me Bella."

"I'm sorry, I really am." I said as the tears began again.

"Don't be sorry, it's not your fault." He stood up and went to the pool table taking a cue in his hand and began fiddling with it. I watched him curiously wondering what he was going to do. Would he leave now, was this it?

He put the cue down on the table and sat on the edge of it, one foot on the floor to brace himself while the other was dangling in the air; his hands clasped between his legs, "Bella, you tried to tell me your heart belonged to someone else. I didn't want to hear it; my desire to make you see there could be someone else in your life drove us to this point. You were completely forthright about everything, time and time again. The only thing to do now is for me to go to New York and figure out how to put everything in perspective. Please don't expect me to be casual in the acceptance of your relationship with Edward. I'm not that gregarious, it kills me to see you with him. But I'll find a way, I have to…we live together." He laughed lightly,

"But it's not just that, I enjoy your company, even when you're acting like a spoiled brat, or like a complete dope. Talking to Derrick…going to dinner with him, I still don't get that."

He was changing subjects now; I knew he wanted to sidetrack me. "I explained that already. There's no rational reason for what he did." I said quietly.

Coming back to my side again, he reached over and pulled my head up to look into his eyes. "Bella, he's not rational – not when it comes to you. None of us are," he chuckled lightly. "Look at us…you make us all a little crazy. But his crazy, well that's something different. He's dangerous Bella; don't blame yourself for that. And don't waste another minute trying to figure it out; you'll just be wasting time. Be happy; find a way to put this in the past. You didn't deserve what he did and he doesn't deserve your pity."

He looked deeply into my eyes, "Do you understand, move on Bella. As your friend, I'm counting on you to reach out and grab all the opportunities life has to offer. Don't get caught up in his sickness; you have too much life left to live. Your life is just beginning; take advantage of everything available to you. Concentrate on school and rebuilding your relationship with Edward…make more friends. Don't try and figure Derrick out, it will only swallow you up and make you bitter. Please Bella, listen to me." His face was serious and sad, he was nearly pleading when he asked me to listen to him.

I stared back at him perplexed, why was this so important to him. "Okay…I guess. Ian, why do you sound so persistent on this, why does this mean so much to you?"

Dropping his hand to his side, he leaned back on the couch; his face changed and became emotionless. "That's not important, just listen to me okay?"

"No, why should I? What do you know about this, how could you understand how I feel?" There was something he wasn't telling me and I used my stubborn streak as a way to get him to open up, hoping it would work to my benefit.

Exhaling he closed his eyes, "Trust me Bella, I understand completely. I really don't want to get into it. Let's just suffice it to say, I knew someone who went through an experience similar to yours and she never recovered. She let it eat away at her; she never recovered. I'd hate to see that happen again, I don't think I'd be able to live with it. So if you really want to remain friends then you'll need to trust me on this." He looked at me warily.

"Oh, is that the past you were referring to?" I asked quietly.

"Yes." He said resigning his previous hesitation. "She was my girlfriend throughout high school, we were in love. She was somewhere she shouldn't have been and the worst thing that can happen to a young girl happened. That's why I pummeled Derrick so bad. I couldn't control my anger; everything came out of me…I wanted to kill him. If you hadn't stopped me I don't know how it would have ended, believe me when I tell you I wouldn't have regretted it either."

"Why do you think I got so upset the night we went dancing? Do you remember, when you told me how he pushed himself on you? I almost went looking for him that night, but I didn't. Looking back now, I probably should have – you wouldn't have gone through what you did had I taken care of it then." He was lost in thought, reflecting how he could have altered it all.

The tears were flowing freely now, for me, for him, for his old girlfriend. "You ask that I move on, but you haven't. You said you built a wall around your heart; you still have regrets that you haven't moved past. So how can you ask me to move on?"

He pulled me into his arms, "Because Bella, you're the one who can show me it's achievable. I want you to be the one that proves it's possible. It's too late for Teresa; she's lost. My regrets are minor; you showed me there's room in my heart…I don't have to block my feelings anymore. For you…I want so much, I want you to experience everything she never will."

"I'll make you a deal; if you move on, really work on getting past this…I'll do the same. Is it a deal? Will you try?" he said nudging me with his shoulder while still holding me.

Crying harder now, I nodded my head; I couldn't speak.

"We'll get past this, don't worry sweetie," Sighing lightly he stroked my arm, "and if Edward screws up again, well lets just say he'll regret it."

We sat there for a while; he held me and I cried. It was a release for everything, the attack, finding Edward again, hurting him; but slowly I regained control.

"Are you okay now?" He asked gently. I nodded my head slightly. "Good, because I really need to get going. When I get back I want to see nothing but a smile on this pretty face, okay?"

I pulled myself from his embrace; smiling shyly I nodded at him. "Okay, but we have a deal right? You're going to work on healing at the same time as me right?"

"Deal." He said smiling broadly. "If you want to talk, I'll be here for you…even if it's just for tutoring." His smile changed slightly and the sadness returned to his eyes.

Wiping away the last tears, we stood and walked upstairs. Before he left my side, I grabbed his arm, "Thanks again Ian, for everything."

"My pleasure Bella. Just promise you'll live life to it's fullest and make the most of it."

"I promise." As soon as the words left my mouth I realized this was a promise I intended to keep. Of course this would complicate things with Edward, how do I continue to live life when he was such an important part of it.

"Good. I'll see you Monday." He walked away and I went into the kitchen to get a drink.

I wasn't ready to face Edward yet; I needed a moment to myself. Grabbing a glass of Orange Juice I sat down at the table and put my head in my hands. How could I keep my promise to Ian when ending my life was the only solution to being with Edward? Most likely he would be happy, he never wanted me to become a vampire, but if he remained seventeen how could I continue to grow old if he was my future. It was all so complicated, I wanted to be a part of his world for the rest of time, but I wanted my current life too. My head hurt from trying to sort through everything.

Putting the glass into the sink, I sighed. I needed Edward; I was ready for his arms. Walking out into the common room, I saw him and Roxanne out on the deck. Inhaling deeply I felt my muscles tightening, I couldn't discuss anything right now. Please let him understand, the only thing I was capable of right now, was being held – there was no way I could have another serious conversation this evening.

As soon as I was outside, he came to me and wrapped his arms around me. "Thanks" it was all I could say hoping he understood. We stood there for a moment and I took his hand to lead him to the chair, my legs wouldn't hold me upright anymore. Please let him understand; there was no way I could discuss today – not now.

He held me close without saying a word, I felt myself relaxing. Roxanne knew well enough to leave and said goodnight. My eyes burned from all the tears but I couldn't close them yet, if Edward wanted to talk I'd need to tell him it was impossible. If I closed my eyes, I'd fall asleep – I was already nearly there.

"Are you okay?" he whispered in my ear as he stroked my back.

I could tell by the tone in his voice, he would let me tell him everything in my own time. "Uh huh, let me just stay here in your arms for a minute. Okay?" My eyes closed as I felt relief washing over me.

When I woke up, I was stiff, every muscle groaned as I shifted position. I felt his arm wrap firmly around me. "Easy, you don't want to roll off the chair." He chuckled lightly.

"Ugh, what time is it?" I pushed against him to sit up; the blanket he must have wrapped around me fell to my waist. My eyes were heavy, swollen from all the crying but I could see we were still outside.

"It's 4:00am. Would you like me to carry you to your bed? You should get some more sleep, it was a long day for you yesterday." He asked hesitantly.

"Ut uh." A shiver ran through me, he draped the blanket back over me quickly.

"It wasn't very wise of me to keep you out here, but I didn't want to disturb you. I did get a blanket from the house, but selfishly I knew if I put you to bed I'd have to leave. Sorry." He said softly but he didn't sound the least bit repentant.

Curling back into his arms, I yawned. "It's okay, there's no place else I want to be. Besides we need to talk." I felt him stiffen as I said this. "Don't you want to know what happened with Ian? And I'm sure you have a few questions from earlier as well." I said while rubbing my palm across his chest. It was so comforting to be in his arms again, I needed to tell him everything.

Shrugging his shoulders lightly, "If you're up to it, of course I'm curious. But it was a long day Bella and there's time. Perhaps you should rest a little more before we get into the details."

"No, I want to tell you now. It's quiet and no one will overhear."

He waited patiently for me to begin, but I didn't know where to begin. Should I start with the interview or with Ian first? I knew he heard most of the interview, I saw the chair as we left.

"Why don't you begin, what would you like to know first?" I asked him hoping he would start with the interview.

He shifted slightly under me, "I'm sorry I wasn't here, that I wasn't able to protect you from that animal." He was playing with my hair absently. "When I heard how he took advantage of you, it made me, well…you saw the chair. I'm so sorry Bella, I'll never forgive myself for leaving you." He pulled me into a tight embrace and I couldn't move a muscle if I wanted to.

"Edward, it's not your fault, so stop. We've had this discussion before; you can't protect me from life. I am only human, remember." I sighed knowing this would be part of our discussion and I felt him tense again. He knew as well as I did we would have to discuss this and he was just as anxious as I was.

"I don't take responsibility for his actions Bella, only mine. If I hadn't walked away a year ago, you never would have had to go through what you've been through the past few days. There wouldn't have been a problem with Derrick; Ian wouldn't have been a part of your life. So as you can see, I do have a role in this, I'm taking responsibility for that." He told me dryly.

It was so typical of Edward to find a way to make everything his fault. He refused to realize this was my life, things always happened to me. Somehow he continuously misconstrued it and wound up taking responsibility for the things that happened. Once again, he was twisting this around, making his role in my life a bad thing. It always came back to this, me defending vehemently the need for him in my life and his pushing back thinking he was wrong for me. Would we ever get past this? We needed to; how would we ever continue if we didn't.

Struggling to free myself from his embrace, "Stop, just stop Edward." He let go of me quickly and I stood. Glaring down at him, "We need to resolve this, I can't go on wondering when you'll leave again."

He shook his head quickly, "I'm not going anywhere Bella. I'm just stating the facts as they are. Please don't confuse the issues, let's discuss this properly. You asked what I wanted to know first. I heard everything you said to Detective Hammond, there are no questions to ask. It's abundantly clear you went through hell with that boy, had I been here none of this would have happened. I'm not leaving Bella; let me make that perfectly clear. I will never leave again, so you can stop questioning that right now." He stated defiantly.

"Good, because if you are questioning your role in my life, or if you continue to question it – I will leave Edward. I'm through walking on the blade of the sword. We need to resolve our future one way or another." I saw the glint in his eyes when I threatened to leave. Of course I'd never have the strength to walk away; doing that would be impossible. But he needed to know I how I felt, we couldn't continue dancing around the issue.

Smiling up at me knowingly he said as his eyebrow rose questioning the sincerity of my words. "Is that so, you would walk away?"

Sitting down on the chair across from him abruptly and pulling the blanket around me tightly, "No and you know it, damn it. I just wanted you to know I'm serious; we need to talk about our future. Remember in the hospital in Phoenix you said we were at an impasse; well it's time to find a solution. No more impasse, okay?" I asked firmly.

Standing quickly he knelt before me, taking my face in his hands. "It would be my pleasure, there's nothing more pressing to me than making you happy." Gently he pulled my face to his and began kissing me. At first it was like our usual kisses, brief, hesitant as if the mere act would flutter away but soon I found myself wanting more. I pulled his shoulders forward and gripped tight, trying desperately to convey how much I wanted him.

Before I knew it we were back on the chaise lounge, it was in the complete reclining position and I was under him. His lips were on my neck, kissing me urgently; his hands were stroking me lightly roaming down my arm drawing me into him. The space between us was non-existent, I arched myself into him as he pulled himself up and began kissing my lips. Opening my mouth hesitantly I felt his cool breath in my mouth, I gasped. He pulled away slightly but only to gently blow in my ear as he whispered, "Breath love…just keep breathing. If you want me to continue you must breath."

I didn't want this to stop so I inhaled deeply and arched further into him, feeling myself pushing against him with my body, he groaned, his breathing matching mine. His lips crashed onto mine, his tongue darted into my willing mouth and gently touched mine. My breath caught, the icy feel against my warm willing tongue caused a flutter deep within me. Grabbing the back of his neck I moved my tongue to his, wanting more, but it was gone. There was a brief touch of his icy lips on my cheek, his breath escaping his lips causing a swirl in my head.

His lips went to my chin trailing to my throat…my breathing was coming in gasps now. I felt his cold breath by my ear as he nuzzled into my neck kissing me. I felt a slight tug on my ear and his tongue lightly moving from beneath my earlobe. My body was responding, aching with desire. He kept kissing and licking me lightly with quick stabs making my heart pound.

I turned my face desperately seeking his lips on my own. I wanted, no desperately needed, his lips on mine. His lips eagerly found mine; his breath coming in gasps matching my own. His tongue gently outlined my lips and my mouth responded opening slightly allowing him access. His moan echoed in my mouth as his tongue touched mine and gently roamed, darting lightly in and then slowly coming out…only to repeat the process…gentle kisses breaking the pattern. I forgot to breathe; then I inhaled deeply getting the full power of his scent in my nose and the back of my throat. I lost control and grabbed him, arching my back throwing my head back further giving him full access to my throat as I groaned in pleasure.

His hands were swift, moving around to the back of my neck and pulling me to him as his lips melted into my neck. His movements slowed and he began kissing my collarbone making his way to my shoulders, our bodies moving together fluidly. His one arm went to my lower back as it arched out to meet him while his tongue, lips and teeth lightly grazed my skin causing my body to spasm with shivers of delight.

He pulled away slightly, slower than normal. "Bella, I can't continue with this, it's making me crazy. I want you so much; I don't want to hurt you. We need to talk…" his breathing was labored and his eyes were burning with desire.

Clearing my throat I thought not now, why now – but knew once he made up his mind there was no way I could convince him to continue. We'd exceeded the boundaries he put in place a year ago and I was pleased to know he was just as driven with desire as I was. This would have to do for now, he was right. The sooner we worked out our future, the better – our passion was always burning, but the time to resolve the impasse was now.

Adjusting myself slightly, I pulled myself up weakly. He smiled slyly as he adjusted the chair so it was in a sitting position, "Sorry love. I got carried away, it won't happen again." He sat at the foot of the chaise lounge putting some much-needed distance between us. I missed his touch already.

"Now that's something we really do need to discuss, because if that's not going to happen again…you're in serious trouble." I folded my hands on my lap and looked sternly at him as I took in a deep breath.

"Yes Mame." He chuckled. "If you think my self-control is unbreakable, you are sadly mistaken. I've wanted to do that for a very long time. So where shall we begin?" He asked smiling brightly.

Now that the moment was here, I was tongue tied, licking my lips lightly – I tasted him again and smiled shyly. "Well, why don't we begin with what just happened. That was wonderful, why did you stop?"

He grinned, "It was, wasn't it…but stopping was necessary Bella. I could hurt you if I lost control; it's hard enough to keep my composure around you. You're such a temptress; everything about you drives me into a frenzy. Your blood, your heartbeat, your body, and your kisses…it's enough to make me mad with desire. Such a little tease, no…it's best we didn't continue." He shook his head slowly.

"What's worse, the desire for my blood or the desire for me?" I couldn't get any more descriptive than that; I already felt the blush rise to my cheeks.

"It's equal Bella, I'm just able to control my desire for your blood better, I've had plenty of practice with that self-control. The human desires, well I've never felt like this before; it's all new to me. So what this requires is a bit more patience." His smile was overwhelming; it took my breath away.

"Well…maybe we should practice a little more. You know build up your strength like we did with your other desire. Mind over matter, right?" I looked up at him through my lashes, naturally embarrassed by my thoughts and curious to see if he was even slightly in agreement.

Shaking his head stubbornly, "No, that's not possible. You don't understand just how much you drive me crazy. If I were to loose control at all, I could kill you. Remember I told you it requires a great deal of restraint to even touch you Bella. You are much more fragile around me, you're fragile all the time, but with me you are especially vulnerable."

"Oh," I said gulping at the thought; that would be awkward. The visions that flashed through my head were disconcerting. Edward and I in the throws of passion; him accidentally hurting me or worse…how would that get explained to anyone!

"Judging by the look on your face, I see you understand some of the complications." He said raising his eyebrow and smiling.

"Yes, some…" I whispered. "but…"

"No Bella, we have to be careful. Obviously I can control myself a little better than past moments, but we need to be cautious. When it comes to your safety, I'm sorry I'll never stop being protective. I know how you feel, I'll try to be a bit more realistic with my protectiveness, but when it comes to this – we need to proceed carefully. This is dangerous territory we've just crossed into." He said quietly almost hesitantly. There was something else to this, something he wasn't telling me.

"Aside from the breakability, what else is there? You're holding out on something…remember complete disclosure. We work through things together, including this Edward." I said sternly, this should be interesting.

"Yes, yes you're right. But you need to remember there are limitations to what we can and cannot do Bella." Pulling me into his lap and sitting back on the chair, "I'll work through anything you want, but my being a vampire and you being human…well there are things that are naturally problematic."

"About that…" I said quietly.

"Yes?" he said hesitantly as he stroked my arm lightly.

"Well, I've been thinking about it and…well…" I didn't know how to say this. How would he take it? Before he left it was the one thing we disagreed about. We were constantly at odds about this, now I had a reversal in how I felt, not a reversal but more of a hesitation. I couldn't help but be concerned he would think I didn't love him as much. Especially with the complication of Ian, he might think it had something to do with my love for him.

"Bella, love, let me speak first. I know how you feel, I've had some time to think about this myself and well as much as I'm not convinced it is the right course I'm willing to reconsider. If you really want me to change you – I will. This year apart…"

"What?" I pushed away from him quickly, startled by his words. I couldn't have heard him right, did he just say he would change me? This couldn't be happening, now that I've decided to remain human…at least for the time being, he decided he'd change me!

Smiling gently, he stroked my cheek. "I said, I'd change you if that's what you really want." He looked so proud of himself, but his eyes showed that he had his misgivings about it.

Turning in the chair so I could look at his face, "Edward, I can't believe this." I stood up and began pacing frantically, what should I do? I wanted to be with him…but I also wanted to keep the life I was building. Not for very long, just a year perhaps – maybe less, but still. He was willing to do it now, if I hesitated now he might change his mind after a couple of months.

"Bella, what's wrong? I know it's a shock, in the past I was so determined to keep you human but after our year apart I realized living without you is not an option. If we are to be together the only choice, the only reasonable choice for both our comfort is to change you." His voice was anxious, he spoke hurriedly like he needed to get the words out before he changed his mind.

I turned to face him, "Edward, I don't want to change. I'm sorry, but I realized you were right. Life is worth living." When I said this his face changed, he couldn't mask the hurt I saw on his features.

Rushing to his side, "Wait, let me finish." I put my hands on his face, staring into his beautiful golden eyes; I saw the hurt in them – the hurt I put there. "I still want to be with you for eternity, but coming here experiencing college and meeting new people…I'm not ready to give that up yet. I know once you change me I won't be able to communicate with my new friends; I won't be able to attend classes. I'd just like some time to enjoy the human experiences – this is what you were always trying to tell me do. Now I know you were right."

"I see." He said stiffly, "Okay, that's acceptable." His face was a mask, a stone mask. I wasn't getting through to him; he misunderstood. This couldn't be happening, there had to be a way to get through to him.

"Look, I can see by your face that you don't understand. This isn't fair Edward, you were the one who wanted me to remain human – you were the one who insisted I didn't know what I was asking of you. Now, now when I see that you were right you turn it around, twist it – making it seem like it's you I'm rejecting."

He looked down at his hands and thought for a moment, "Bella, the only thing I want is for you to be happy." Looking back at me, he smiled slightly, "I'll wait for you, I have no choice – there is no future for me without you. I'm hopelessly addicted to you, if it takes you years to decide to join me then so be it. I told you once, it doesn't matter to me how old you are; you were the one who insisted on being equal in age. I do have a question though, are you sure your reason is due to a desire to experience life, or is there another reason? Are you unsure of your love for me Bella?" he asked hesitantly.

I smiled warmly, "No Edward, I'm sure of my love for you. There is nothing I'm more certain of, you are the only constant in my future – everything else will require Alice's assistance to keep me on course."

"Good, that's all that matters. Everything else will come in time." He pulled me back into his arms, I cuddled close to him breathing in his scent and feeling more secure than I had in days.

I was still curious where our future boundaries would be, would he go back to the chaste kisses or was there a chance we could learn how to be closer even with all the obstacles in our path.

Sighing deeply I heard him whisper sweetly, "Rest Bella, you're safe and I'm not going anywhere – ever."

Closing my burning eyes, I heard my lullaby gently being hummed as his chest vibrated in rhythm with the sound.