Baked and fried
"Thank you, Itachi-kun. You have insured the rebirth of my clan." Naruto said formally, quoting one of the Pervy-Sage's lines from Ichi-Ichi 16: The rise of the Hina clan, as he didn't have any other guide on how to act in this situation and this wasn't an uncommon setup for the series.
"It's no trouble at all, Uzamaki-san. Someone of your generosity and thoughtfulness deserves to have a large family." Itachi cradled the scroll, Naruto had given him lovingly for a moment more, before strapping it to his back.
"I'll take good care of them. I have no idea how I'm going to fit them all in my apartment though." Naruto chuckled along with Itachi at the idea of trying to fit dozens of women into his tiny apartment. Itachi's chuckle was a bit toneless, like laughter was almost entirely foreign to him, which contrasted strangely with Naruto's cheerful tone, but they were both smiling.
Saturobi smiled warmly. "I'll open up the Uzamaki compound for them. There's more than enough room for all of them there."
"I have a compound?" Naruto asked, wondering why no one had mentioned this to him before.
"Yes. It's about twice the size of your apartment building with an attached training field and hot springs. It was closed down upon the death of your parents, but the maintenance staff has kept it up, so there shouldn't be any problems. Clan homes are closed down when the number of clan members drops to one, as that's really too few people to keep the place in shape. It also encourages the last member of the clan to rebuild their clan or else allows for an easier transfer to a new clan if they die and while traditionally you'd be given ownership upon marriage, the law is that if there is more than one member of a clan in existence it can be reopened at the Hokage's digression."
"Damn, if I'd know that I would've adopted some of my friends into the clan who's own clan sucked, like Hinata-chan or maybe even Neji and if I could've saved him, Haku. Oh well, I'll see about doing that later, for now we still gotta sneak Itachi past the ANBU death squads!" Naruto said, entirely too cheerfully.
"ANBU death squads?" Itachi asked, the haze from the Hokage's pipe wasn't quite strong enough to keep him completely calm upon hearing that.
"Yeah, but I know a jutsu that'll let you walk past them with a pat on the head. For elite ninja they're really gullible."
"Really?" The Hokage leaned forward curiously, wondering what Naruto, already an aspiring prankster, had in mind.
"Oh, yeah. I can't count the number of times this little jutsu has saved my bacon from them. It's a modified henge technique that plays on the weakness of all adults and males in particular."
Naruto grinned evilly and his hands flashed through over half a dozen signs. "Little Girl Lost no Jutsu!"
There was a puff of smoke obscuring Naruto's form for a moment, before fading away and revealing a blue eyed, little blond girl in a brown hooded cloak. "Excuse me mister," she tugged on Itachi's leg, "can you help me find my daddy? I got lost in the crowd and I can't find him." She sniffed like she was about to cry and was quickly picked up by Itachi.
"There, there. Don't cry. I'll help you find him." Itachi paused, as he realized what he'd just done and carefully set the little blonde girl on the ground.
"That's more than just a henge. That is a mongrel genjutsu." Itachi said, noting that it hadn't even occurred to him to use the Sharingan to look through the jutsu, even though he had seen it used right in front of him and that comforting little girls wasn't his normal behavior either.
The blond girl grinned cutely, before a puff of smoke reverted her to his normal form. "Heheh. I was kinda absent the day they covered henge. One of the teachers had drug me off to fill out some paperwork of mine that had gotten misplaced again, so I kinda had to improvise. It takes a lot more chakra and time to cast, but it also works a lot better Just remember not to wear any red cloaks with it or you'll attract cross-dressing cannibalistic pedophiles. Don't ask."
"Excellent work, Naruto, but you aren't due to join the academy for another two years." The Hokage pointed out, deciding not to ask, as it sounded like a story he really didn't want to hear about anyway.
Naruto scratched his head. "It hasn't happened yet? Well, damn." Naruto shrugged it off as unimportant. His brain was more than half baked at the moment, so he was sure he was dreaming at this point, because everything felt fuzzy and unreal. He could tell he'd strained some muscles and lightly burned his chakra coils, by forcing jutsu that he didn't really have the control to make work normally at this point in time, but he didn't feel any pain. So, he must be dreaming, right?
Connections were being made in Saturobi's mind, as he thought of Naruto's two bloodlines combined with the power of the demon fox and a great quantity of really excellent weed. 'Naruto's so stoned he's seeing the future!?'
Needless to say, the great quantity of really good weed he'd partaken of himself had done a number on his reasoning skills as well, but it was either Naruto was a seer or he was a time traveler. So the right answer was rather obvious to him, as he'd trained a seer before.
Tsunade had demonstrated mild precognitive abilities, but refused to believe that sake wouldn't work with them after a while, turning her into one of the worst gamblers in history, as she'd get drunk and convinced she knew the future, she'd bet everything and lose heavily. No one was quite sure why she thought alcohol, a known psi suppressant, would activate abilities that required mild hallucinogens to work properly, although Saturobi was leaning towards the idea that she'd seen something horrible happen to a loved one and was unable to stop it, so she drank because subconsciously she knew it would prevent her from seeing anything like that again. Living through a loved one's death was bad enough without the guilt of being unable to stop it from happening and having to witness it again.
'I'll have to keep this a secret and use him sparingly, so Naruto doesn't become a bigger target then he already is. Thankfully, the healing factor he gained as a vessel will keep him from suffering any developmental disabilities from chronic use at this young an age. Damn, my hand looks old. I wonder if liver spots taste different then normal skin.' The Hokage, once again, topped out at the 'Look at my hand, isn't it weird?' stage, as his thoughts wandered way off track again.
Naruto had walked Itachi through the proper behavior for a little girl, who had snuck out to find her kitten and was sneaking home. As it turned out that one of the few gaps in his training was in acting as something other than a mindless killing machine. The jutsu itself was child's play for Itachi to memorize, but the acting was a bit difficult for him. He also found it strange that the jutsu would only work for that exact form, it was like it was developed for that form alone rather than general use, but that was silly. Obviously Itachi was missing some step, but it would work for what he wanted it to do and that was enough for now.
Itachi skipped off to become a missing nin, with Naruto's assurance that he could get him listed as an S-class missing nin, so he wouldn't have to worry about the Leaf sending hunters after him, not to mention the fact that he could charge far more for his services as S-class rather than A-class.
Naruto was so distracted by the sight of the Hokage gnawing on his own hand and the voice in his head singing 'I like big butts and I cannot lie' that he was unable to dodge the small figure that tackled him to the ground in a big hug, as the former Uchiha, now Uzamaki, women came out of hiding with hopeful eyes.
"You saved us!" Cried out the feminine voice of his attacker, as Naruto looked up into a familiar set of features. 'Sasuke?'
Note: I don't write Yaoi unless it's funny and while I can promise this will be funny, I won't promise it's yaoi. Of course the idea of Sasuke loosing it and thinking he's a girl and chasing Naruto is funny…