Disclaimer: Kubo Tite-sensei owns Bleach. The senseis over at NBC own The Office, and J.K. Rowling-sensei owns Harry Potter. The Bleach Rock Musicals and involved music also belongs to those writers. I receive no monetary benefit from this work and take no credit for the plot of these oneshots, except for when the plot goes off-book to suit the characters.

Author's Notes: Thanks so much for the lovely reviews! But, I just want to let everyone know- though I'm very glad you're enjoying this, I take absolutely no credit for hilarity of this. The only thing I'm doing is placing Bleach characters in episodes of "The Office" because frankly, I have nothing better to do. Also, this chapter has no relation whatsoever to the first one. Now, with that... enjoy!

"Where does it hurt?" Hitsugaya asked.

"All over..." Ichimaru moaned. "My head, my back... I dun wanna do anything..."

"No, you have to give me a specific part of the body."

"Here..." he pointed at the abdomen on the diagram of a human body on the computer screen.

"Maybe a contraction of the uterus? Your ovary could be releasing an egg."

"Not... 's not that..." he whined, burying his face in his arms on his desk.

"About forty times a year, Ichimaru-taichou gets really sick, but has no syptoms." Hinamori told the cameras. "...Shirou-chan is always gravely concerned."

"Oh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste?" Hitsugaya suggested.

"Dunno..."

"Taichou!" Kira Izuru opened the door to the library. "Yamamoto-soutaichou requested to see you, sir!"

"Really?" Ichimaru asked, straighting up and leaving his desk.

Moments later, Ichimaru faced the soutaichou.

"Ichimaru-taichou!"

"Hello again, Yamamoto-soutaichou." Ichimaru bowed in greeting.

"Ichimaru-taichou, I actually have some news." the soutaichou said. "I'm here to offer you... a position at Central 46!"

Ichimaru's jaw dropped. "I... I wish had prepared somethin' ta say, Yamamoto-soutaichou..."

"Oh, that won't be necessary, Ichimaru-taichou!" the old man said, sweatdropping accordingly. "But, it would be wise to decide who will be taking your place as taichou of the Third Division."

Ichimaru nodded solemnly. He already had an idea in mind...

"Okay, so... does everyone have their swimsuits...? Towels...?" Ichimaru asked the group of shinigami that were conveined in front of the Third Division office, dressed in clothes from the living world rather than their usual shihakushou.

"It's Beach Day!" Matsumoto Rangiku said excitedly to the cameras. "Ichimaru-taichou is taking a select group of shinigami to the beach, so, I'm wearing my swimsuit underneath my shirt-" she raised her shirt, only to realize that there was nothing underneath it. She promptly lowered her shirt and blushed a bit. "Damn," she muttered. "Packed it in my purse."

"Alright, everyone! Before we go, I have one more note!" Ichimaru said. "We'll be havin' a special guest accompany us tahday! Everyone welcome... Halibel, the Third Espada!"

The other shinigami merely glared at the Espada who walked over and took her place at Aizen's side.

"Tell me, what happens ta a division when ya take the taichou away?" Ichimaru asked in a private interview. "Well, 's like a chicken when ya take it's head away. It runs around with no head, an' then it dies. So, today I gotta see which one o' these people is the best chicken head for my division after I'm gone."

"Okay... Let's go to the par-tay bus!" Ichimaru cried, desparate to break the tension. Sure enough, a large bus was awaiting the group at the gates to the seireitei.

"Hinamori-chan?" Ichimaru asked her before she could get on.

"Yes?"

"Ano... I was wonderin' if maybe, during Beach Day, you could take some notes...?"

"What kind of notes?" she asked.

"Oh, jus'... ya know, like... what people are doin' all day... how they react to different things... ya know."

Hinamori sighed.

"Of course, I have the most boring job in my division..." Hinamori told the cameras, "So... of course, it would make sense that I would have the most boring job on Beach Day."

The camera angled back to show Aizen giving Ichimaru a death stare.

"Twice now, Gin, you have had my fukutaichou doing your work for you." he said dangerously.

"Ne, sorry, Aizen-taichou. Won' happen again." Gin apologized as Aizen got on the bus.

All the shinigami stared lazily out the windows until Kyoraku-taichou began singing the sixth Bleach opening theme song. As he went through it, all the other shinigami slowly joined in.

After a few more songs, Ichimaru moved to the front of the bus.

"Alright, you guys... I haveta letcha know, this ain't an ordinary trip to the beach. We... are goin' ta be playin' fun activities! All day!"

Everyone else glared at him expectantly.

"Funtivities! And, there's a special secret prize fer the winner!"

"Yes! Funtivities! I knew this wasn't gonna be a normal beach day!" Hitsugaya yelled.

"Eh, Hitsugaya-taichou, yer enthusiasm is turnin' people off..." Ichimaru remarked as he made his way back to his seat. He stopped in front of Hinamori.

"Hinamori-chan, didja get that?"

"Huh? Get what?" she asked, dazed.

Ichimaru sighed. "You're... just drawing pictures." he remarked. Hinamori blushed and looked at her doodles.

"Okay, ever'one... find a place, and sit down..." Gin said.

All the other shinigami plopped down on the warm sand.

"Everybody up!" Ichimaru yelled, standing in front of all of them.

"Here we are at scenic Lake Wannahockaloogie, the eighth largest body of water in all of Japan."

Aizen smirked at the camera and shook his head.

"It is here... tha' fourteen strangers who fight an' risk their lives tagether will compete fer the ultimate prize. One day, fourteen shinigami, but only one... Survivor!"

"Huh?" Halibel asked.

"Yer all gonna be divided inta three teams," Ichimaru called, ignoring her question, "and... I'm gonna randomly pick team leaders without thinking at all... ano..." He sighed.

"Aizen-taichou, Hitsugaya-taichou, Tousen-taichou!"

The three walked up.

"O'course, Hitsugaya-taichou would be the prime candidate for my job, 'cause he's fun ta make fun of an' ever'thin'." Ichimaru told the cameras. "Aizen-taichou is strong, he's smart, and... well, tha's about it. Ano... Tousen-taichou is a good choice... 'cause of all the good tha' blind black people have done... in the world..."

The camera panned back out to show the whole group on the beach, with Ichimaru's choices facing the rest.

"Alright! Name yer teams!" Ichimaru commanded.

"We will be called Gryffindor." Hitsugaya said regally.

"Oh, really?" Aizen said, a smirk crossing his face. "Well, then... we will be called Voldemort."

Hitsugaya's blue-green eyes widened in fear.

"He-who-must-not-be-named? That's not a very wise decision, Aizen."

Aizen continued to smirk.

"I don't care what you call my team." Tousen said.

"Well, then, yer team will be called the Red Team." Ichimaru told him.

Tousen crossed his arms. "No. The Blue Team."

"Ne, who d'you guys want fer yer teams...?" Ichimaru asked, trying to change the subject.

"Oh." Hitsugaya said. He then pointed at Ichimaru. "ICHIMARU-TAICHOU!"

"I ain't playin'." Ichimaru said.

"Oh. Well, then." He pointed at Matsumoto. "Matsumoto."

She skipped over to join her captain.

After the teams had all been selected, the teams lined up for the first contest.

"Alright, now... this ain't yer normal egg-an'-spoon-race." Ichimaru said. "This one has a lil twist!"

"It's already got a twist. You're carrying an egg on a spoon." Halibel remarked.

"Yer teamate is gonna be blindfolded! Firs' team ta go up there, circle the pole, come back an' put the egg in the pail without droppin' the egg is the winnah!"

The captains commenced blindfolding their selected teammate, and placing the eggs in the spoons.

"Y'all ready?"

The team captains nodded.

"GO!"

Almost immediately, Unohana-taichou lost her balance. The egg fell from the spoon into the sand.

"There goes that..." Tousen muttered.

The camera panned over to show Team Voldemort's progress.

"Okay... wait, stop, stop, stop!" Aizen yelled at Halibel.

"What?!" she snapped.

"There's a big hole right there. Okay, step... little more... oh, just barely made it!"

The camera showed the beach beneath Halibel's feet, with no hole in sight.

"Andale! Andale! C'mon, c'mon!" Hitsugaya yelled fiercly at Rangiku, trying to lead Team Gryffindor to victory.

"Taichou, I'm gonna do this if you keep this up."

"Okay..."

Aizen was leading Halibel towards the water.

"Okay, one more giant step there..."

Halibel's foot sunk beneath the water.

"Yes!" Aizen yelled, chuckling.

"What the hell?!" Halibel removed her blindfold and Aizen standing on the beach behind her, then realized her feet were wet.

"You ass!" she yelled, throwing the egg at Aizen and then running after him.

The camera showed Hinamori watching them.

"Yup, there's nothing better than... sun and... sand, and... diligent note-taking." Hinamori said privately, holding up her notes.

"Hinamori-chan!" Gin called from a few meters away. "You're missing things!"

Hinamori sighed and turned the page on her notepad.

"Hey, Hinamori-chan!"

Hinamori turned to see Ichimaru running towards her with several loaded shopping bags.

"What is it, Ichimaru-taichou?"

"Now, I know this ain't completely necessary, since these are pre-cooked, but... if you could heat up these eight-hundred hot dogs for a lil contest I'm havin'...?"

"Okay, great! When's the contest?" Hinamori asked.

"About ten minutes." Ichimaru stated. Hinamori's face fell.

"How am I supposed to heat up...?"

"Thank you!" he called, running away.

Hinamori stared at the hot dogs angrily.

"Alright, here we have... the hot-dog eatin' contest! The one ta eat the most hot dogs before time runs out is the winnah!"

The other shinigami merely looked at the plates of hot dogs in front of them.

"And... begin yer eatin'!"

"Do we have any mustard...?" Matsumoto asked.

"Nope, no mustard!" Ichimaru said.

"What do we get if we win?" Yachiru asked.

"Ano... the Third Division haori and the feelin' like ya've done somethin' good in the world?"

"Can we just take the first one?" Yachiru wondered.

"The winnah gets my job!" Ichimaru confessed.

"What?!" Halibel said loudly.

"I didn' wanna say anythin' an' ruin beach day fer everyone, but... I'm bein' considered fer a job at Central 46, an' I need somebody to be captain o' my division."

"So, you're going to decide that based on a hot dog eating contest?" Aizen questioned.

Ichimaru nodded. Kira promptly shoved a hot dog in his mouth.

"I would rather work for an upside-down broom with a bucket for a head than someone in my division other than me or my taichou! ...Game on." Izuru said to the camera.

"And... stop yer eatin'!" Ichimaru yelled. "The winnah is Aizen-taichou with fourteen hotdogs!"

Aizen held his hand up, then swallowed.

"One came up." he muttered.

"Thirteen hot dogs!" Ichimaru declared.

"Dammit!" Hitsugaya yelled, slamming his fist on the table.

"Nobody told me we were gonna have hot dogs...!" Ukitake called, holding a fish skeleton in his hand.

The camera panned out to show Kyoraku-taichou standing behind a bush. Nanao came up behind him.

"Sabotage," he whispered.

"What?" Nanao asked. "Are you saying, 'sandwich'?"

"No, I was saying that earlier." he said. "Just now I said... sabotage. The Dutch art of screwing up your own team."

Nanao smirked.

"I knew you were saying, 'sabotage'." she explained. "I was showing you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything Hitsugaya-taichou says until he goes crazy."

Kyoraku smiled. "If Ichimaru organizes some kind of group hug... stand next to me..."

Now Aizen, Tousen, Hitsugaya and Kira were all wearing blow-up sumo wrestling suits. Aizen and Tousen faced each other in the circle.

"Alright, now... yer feet may not touch the ground... ya can't step outside o' the ring... and ya must always wear the safety mittens." Ichimaru explained.

"We don't have any saftey mittens." Aizen and Tousen said together.

"Oh. Musta left 'em in my office... oh well! Go at it!"

Aizen and Tousen bowed to each other. Then, without warning, Tousen charged towards Aizen with a feral cry.

"Hey, man, what're you doing?!" Aizen yelled before Tousen shoved him out of the ring, knocking him flat on his back.

"Alright, Tousen-taichou!"

"Sorry," Tousen said, helping him up, "It's just to keep the points away from Hitsugaya."

"Yeah, no... cool. Great!" Aizen said, getting to his feet.

"I have never seen that look in a man's eyes... ever." Aizen disclosed to the cameras. "I thought that I might die. ... On beach day...!"

The camera went back to show Hitsugaya charging Izuru, knocking him to his feet, but not out of the ring.

"What the-?!"

The boy-captain leapt on top of Kira, punching his stomach and screaming, "GRYFFINDOR!" at the top of his lungs.

"Okay, Hitsugaya-taichou! This one's yers!"

"I didn't win," Izuru said in private after the match, "but, that's because I've realized that... it's better to talk things out than to fight them out."

"Psh," Hitsugaya said, walking up to Kira and eating a turkey sandwich, "I totally kicked your ass!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

Hitsugaya tossed the sandwich down onto the beach and tackled Kira again.

"How d'you like that?!"

Hitsugaya, still in his sumo suit, walked along the beach. Something in the water caught his eye; he leaned over the rocks, but lost his balance and plunged into the icy water with a cry of surprise.

Nanao heard the splash and dashed over to find Hitsugaya floating away.

"Help! Help! ... Nanao-san! Nanao-san, go get help!"

"What? Hitsugaya-taichou, I can't hear you!"

"Go tell someone I'm floating away, obviously!"

"... I just don't understand what you want from me!" she called.

"Nanao-san, it's pretty simple! Look at what I'm doing and go tell somebody it!" he yelled, thrashing about in the water.

"... Bye, Hitsugaya-taichou." she said simply, turning around and walking away.

Ichimaru stood on the beach, talking to the camera.

"I knew tha' findin' a sucessor would be difficult. I didn' know it would be impossible! Aizen-taichou's not takin' it seriously, Tousen-taichou doesn't even seem ta care, and Hitsugaya-taichou... where the hell is Histugaya-taichou?!"

The camera zoomed in on the little black dot floating on the lake that was Hitsugaya.

"D'you know where he is, Hinamori-chan?!" Ichimaru asked, oblivious.

"No..."

Ichimaru sighed.

"Who's in the lead fer points, Hinamori-chan?"

"Ano, I think they're tied. At one point you gave Aizen-taichou an extra ten points, Tousen-taichou a thumbs up and Hitsugaya-taichou a gold star. I don't really know how I should..."

"Maybe there's a conversion chart in the back."

"Ichimaru-taichou, I really don't think-"

"Jus'... jus' look fer it, Hinamori-chan."

Ichimaru was talking to the group again.

"What qualities must a taichou have? Well, we're goin' ta find out."

Tousen began to walk back to the bus. "I can't take this anymore... I'm going back to the bus..."

"Fine then, Tousen-taichou! Yer loss!" Ichimaru yelled. "Now, then... we are goin' ta creat a lastin' memory and conquer our fears. We... are goin' ta walk... through FIRE!"

The pile of wood that would become the Coal Walk burst into flames.

Aizen raised an eyebrow warily at the camera.

"Has anyone seen Hitsugaya-taichou around lately...?" Hinamori asked. It was now almost dark; the sun was sinking behind the trees on the opposite bank.

Aizen shook his head. "Not since the sumo matches."

"Hm." Hinamori glanced back at her notes.

Meanwhile, the camera light turned on Hitsugaya, who was stopped against a rock on the opposite shore, unable to life himself out of the water in the sumo suit.

"Hello?!" he called. "Is anyone there?!"

The cameraman remained quiet.

"My name is Hitsugaya Toushirou! I was with a group called the Gotei Thirteen!"

The light slowly faded.

"Hello?!" the boy-captain cried desperately before fading into darkness.

The camera went back to the group at the Coal Walk.

"Who here has the guts ta be the new captain o' the Third Division?" Ichimaru asked the group. "Let him walk across these coals!"

"I'm gonna do it!" Hinamori said excitedly to the camera. "And, I fully expect to burn my feet and get sent down to the Fourth when we get home. That's the spirit going in to a coal-walk, right?" she asked, removing her shoes.

"Not you, Hinamori-chan." Ichimaru said.

"Why not?"

"Because... I need ya ta stand there an' keep score."

Hinamori sighed.

"Alright... Aizen-taichou, yer up first."

"Nope." Aizen said quickly.

"Why not?"

"Because I really don't want to burn my feet."

Ichimaru stared at him for a minute.

"You... do not have what it takes to be a captain!" Ichimaru yelled.

"... Yeah... that's harsh..." Aizen muttered.

"You know, Ichimaru-taichou, if you're gonna make everyone else do it, you should too." Unohana-taichou said.

"Yeah..."

Everyone began nodding at each other and exchanging looks before staring expectantly at Ichimaru.

Ichimaru stared down the coal walk while everyone else stared at him.

"... The mind... hasta wrap around... the foot..." he said slowly.

"D'you want us to count down for you...?" Hinamori asked.

"Yeah... count to three."

"Ichi... ni... san!" the group yelled.

"No, no, do it the other way!" Ichimaru said.

"... San... ni... ichi! Go!"

"Wait... am I goin' on "ichi" or "go"?"

The group looked at each other, knowing Ichimaru was trying to buy time.

"Wait!" Kira cried, stepping out of the group. "I will do it! I will walk on these coals, and I will stand there until you award me the position of Taichou of the Third Division!" he cried, pulling his shoes off and stepping on to the coals. He walked almost to the opposite edge, causing a few, "Oooh!"s and "Ah!"s throughout the crowd. He turned to face his captain.

"Give me the job!" the blonde shinigami yelled.

"I don' think so, Izuru."

Kira twisted in pain.

"Give me the job!" he yelled again, sinking to his knees. "Ah!" he cried, falling face-first now as the coals burned him.

"No, Kira-kun, don't go down like that!" Hinamori yelled as Unohana rushed to help him.

"Ya know, I jus' dun understand where I got that connection... coal walks and bein' a captain..." Ichimaru said, leading the group away from the Coal Walk. "So. We're gonna have a one-hundred-point, winnah take all, sudden death lightening-round tribal council!" he said. "Ever'body sit in a circle now."

The group sat.

Hinamori, however, still stood at the coal walk.

"I think I'm gonna do it." she said strongly as she stared down the Coal Walk. She took a few steps back, the ran, full speed, through the sand, and then the coals.

"Whoa!" she cried, turning around to face the coals she'd just sprinted through. Her smile was huge as she turned towards the group on the beach.

"Now, we're gonna settle this with what I call... the 'Kathy Griffin factor'." Ichimaru announced.

"Who's that?" Yachiru asked. Ichimaru slapped his forehead.

"She's a comedian."

"Oh! You mean like Amanda Bynes?" the pink-haired fukutaichou asked.

"Who?"

"She's from, What a Girl Wants." Yachiru explained.

"Oh. I love that movie." Ichimaru turned back to the rest of the group. "So. Lessee which one of ya has what it takes ta be a Bynes er a Griffin. Aizen-taichou, you're up."

"Ano... I pass."

"Why?"

"Because... well, Yamamoto-soutaichou told me recently that I'm being considered for the position at Central 46 as well." Aizen explained.

"Well." Ichimaru said. "I'm subtractin' sixty points from Voldemort fer false pretenses." he announced.

Just then, Hinamori sprinted over, into the center of the circle.

"I... I have something I have to say to everyone!" she said bravely. "I... I just did the coal walk!" she told them, then stared at the sand beneath her feet. "And, uhm... I've been trying to be more honestly lately, so..." She looked up at her friends.

"Why didn't any of you come to my art show?" she asked suddenly, raising her head to meet everyone's eyes. "I inivited every single one of you! And..." she turned towards Aizen. "Aizen-taichou. I've got something I need to say to you."

"I called off my wedding because of you." she said quietly. "And then you... left..." she shot a glance at Halibel before meeting Aizen's eyes again, "and now, we're not even friends! I..." She turned to Kira. "I'm sorry, Izuru..." She turned back to Aizen. "I should've never been with Kira-kun. But, I was, and... there were a lot of problems with our relationship before, but... I never really noticed them until after I became your fukutaichou... I miss having fun with you!" she announced.

Aizen held her gaze until she glanced at her feet.

"Well." Hinamori said simply, turning around, "I'm going to go walk in the water now."

Aizen stared after her as all the women in the group gave him their death stares.

"Tha' was really great, Hinamori-chan!" Ichimaru called after her. "But, I'm still looking fer someone with a background in swordplay, too..."

On the bus ride back home, the group burst into a chorus of "Hona, Sainara" from the Bleach Rock Musicals.

"Sainara, hona sainara! Ashitawa kitto halleujah! Sainara, hona sainara!"

As they sang the final lines, Ichimaru rose from his seat and began doing the dance in the aisle of the bus just before the camera went black.