A/N: No smitings for the Christmassy schmaltz! This can only be a good thing…
Disclaimer: Transformers – Takara and Hasbro. Me – nowt.
Credit also goes to the fabulous Lady Tecuma who let me use one of her ideas, and helped me thrash out some of the details. Thankies!
Also, the Cassettes are taking the rip out of the Nativity in the way that only they can. I've also probably got some details about said event wrong, but hey, I've tried. For anyone who might take offense to this – you know where the back button is!
Italics denote telepathy.
Presents: Part 2
Perfecto.
Skywarp adjusted the holly wreath on his door, squinted, and quickly Hilti-gunned a few more nails in, just to be on the safe side.
This gave the tartan and gold bedecked decoration something of a post-modern-cum-steel-cum-BDSM motif, but better that than his newest piece of kitsch getting ripped off and used as the hoop in the next Conehead-hoopla game.
'So how's the Deadster?'
The heap of tinsel next to the F-15's foot shook slightly before Rumble's head eventually emerged.
'He got outta repairs an hour ago. Mixmaster reckons he's got the glitch in the ener-nog sussed, thank Primus. Probably coulda done without ol' Deady honkin' his tanks over Long Haul, but hey, Truck Boy's getting' kinda used to it.'
Skywarp looked almost contemplative. To Rumble's optics, it looked painful.
'Ener-nog before or ener-nog after Mixmaster's got his mitts on it? Which is more, I dunno, fatal?'
The blue Cassette grinned upwards. 'Nix on the fatal, 'Warp. He's tryin' it on the 'Structies first.'
'…Please tell me you put cameras in the repair bay?'
Rumble grinned and tapped a digit to his nose. 'Christmas may come early this year.'
Skywarp returned the grin in kind. 'Sweet.'
Ravage rested his head on his paws and frowned in curiosity as he watched his youngest sibling's latest activity.
What are you doing?
The little bat was sitting happily on the floor of the recharge quarters, surrounded with datapads, sheaves of paper, finger-paints and crayons. Ratbat looked up at his brother with a smear of green paint on his nose, an orange crayon in his paw, and his optics bright with excitement.
I'm writing to Santa!
The feline raised an eyebrow. And why are you writing to Santa?
Ratbat chirruped. Rumble and Frenzy said that squishy sparklings write to Santa and ask him for presents, and then on Christmas Eve, Santa sneaks down the chimneys and gives them their presents!
I'm spotting just a few flaws with this idea, but anyway…
The purple-and-yellow Cassette pouted. What flaws?
Ravage raised a paw and counted off on his claws.
One, we don't have a chimney. Two, I doubt Santa can survive underwater unless he holds his breath for a fragging long time. Three, you're a little too old to be considered a squishy sparkling.
Ratbat looked triumphant.
Rumble and Frenzy said you'd say that. They said Santa's got squishy magic, so he can travel underwater and visit us without a chimney. And Soundwave says I'm growing older, but at spark I'm still a sparkling. So that must count with Santa!
The black Cassette rolled his optics. It was pointless trying to argue with Ratbat when he had his CPU set on something. Soundwave could normally be counted on to keep his youngest creation's fantasies in check, but then again, this was a mech who still let Ratbat believe in the Dental Sprite.
He sighed and ran his glossa over a paw.
So what exactly are you asking Santa for?
Ratbat pushed a sheet of paint-encrusted craft paper in his brother's direction, and sat back in anticipation as Ravage scanned the requests, ruby optics flickering back and forth.
Lego; good choice.
G. I. Joe figures; say nothing.
Mauser BK-27 autocannon; intriguingly useful.
Play-Doh…
Ravage glanced up.
Play-Doh?
The little bat chirruped again. It's squishy and Soundwave likes it because it doesn't make messes in my wing joints or his finger joints!
Ravage decided it was probably easier not to ask, and moved on.
Etch-A-Sketch; fair enough.
RKG-3 anti-tank grenades; very nice.
New Crayola box; always good…
The feline paused and squinted.
I don't think this one's about to pass muster with either Soundwave or Santa.
Ratbat frowned and looked at the line where Ravage had stopped reading. Why not?
Even if Santa could deliver you two B61 nuclear bombs, Soundwave would confiscate them immediately.
The purple and yellow Cassette pouted. But I like things that make big explosions!
You know you're still too young to be playing with weapons of mass destruction. But perhaps Santa might be persuaded to get you a nice taser.
I don't wanna stupid taser!
Tough.
Ratbat's pout grew steadily deeper as he yanked his list away from Ravage and daubed blue paint over his words.
I'm telling Soundwave you were mean about my list.
Ravage sighed. He will tell you exactly what I have told you.
'Snot fair.
Nothing is ever fair, little brother.
Huh.
A brief silence descended over the room while Ratbat sulkily plopped black and red paint over a sheet of paper. Eventually, the mechanoid feline glanced at a somewhat innocuous looking box which Frenzy had dumped next to the main monitor earlier that morning.
He knew exactly what was in the box, and the traditions attached to it.
Ratbat?
The little bat glanced up, now covered in splotches of paint and with a hurt expression in his optics. What?
Would you care to assist me in the strategic placement of mistletoe and digi-cameras in the refectory?
A brief pause…
…Oooooh.
Ratbat's faceplates lit up in glee. Ravage smirked.
'Christmas. I've heard some stupid requests in my time, but this one takes the fragging oil cake!'
Starscream's rant had been going on now for the better part of an hour, and Soundwave was now seriously considering deactivating his audio receivers.
Judging by the Earth music he could hear through Frenzy's telepathic link while he monitored the security cameras, the red Cassette had long since given up even vaguely paying attention to the jet's tirade.
'There is now a tree in the refectory, a slagging tree for Primus' sake, covered with enough lights and baubles to illuminate the drive shafts on the north side of Cybertron!'
'Tree: part of festive tradition.'
'Festive tradition for the flesh-bags. Mark my words Soundwave, that thing'll be a charred mess in less than a day.'
The Air Commander shook his head in mock despair. 'If I was Decepticon leader, this whole mess would never ha-'
-Bzzt-
Soundwave sighed inwardly in relief and subspaced his screwdriver.
Blissful, wonderful, delightful silence.
Judging by the Air Commander's steadily more flamboyant gestures, he was well into his favourite bitch-session. The trick here was to nod occasionally and get Frenzy to keep a lookout in case Megatron appeared.
Speaking of which…
Frenzy.
…'Cause I just want you here tonight, holdin' on to me so tight, what more can I doo-ooo? Baby all I want for Christmaaaaaas is yooooouuuu-oooh…um, hi boss!
What in the name of Primus are you listening to?
Just a squishy singer, not bad huh?
The Communications officer silently rolled his optics.
Where are your siblings?
Frenzy quickly scanned the bank of monitors and projected his thoughts outwards to his siblings. Hmmm…'kay, the Blue Bolthead's just outta Repairs with th' ener-nog, the kittykat and Squeaky are stickin' mistletoe over the energon dispensers in the refectory, and not a clue 'bout 'Saw and 'Beaky.
On the monitors, Ravage glared at the camera above his head while Ratbat started giggling hysterically from his perch on a support strut, and Rumble turned towards the camera outside the repair bay and fired off his favourite one-fingered salute.
Inside the repair bay doors, Long Haul could just be seen slowly carting an unconscious Scrapper and a giggling Scavenger off to the spare recharge berths. Hook was slumped over his workbench, trying to aim a sedative into his secondary energon line and missing completely; Bonecrusher was cuddled under a workbench and clutching onto a leg for support, and Mixmaster, as was his duty as the only one even halfway sober, was recording the whole mess onto tape and visibly swaying.
Frenzy sniggered.
Right up to the point when he heard his avian sister's highly unamused voice enter the conversation.
I warned you about that name, Frenzy. You must really want to be a robo-eunuch. Though I don't think you'll miss your interfacing leads too much considering you've never had a chance to use them.
The red Cassette let out a squeak of outrage at his sister's statement.
Hey! I've had plenty o' chances! And I have used 'em before!
Hmmm. I still have the photographic evidence, and I regret to inform you that using them by yourself doesn't count.
Frenzy's protests quickly morphed into a stream of incoherent obscenities. Soundwave intervened.
Laserbeak. Buzzsaw. Report your location and status.
Buzzsaw spoke up. Location; St. Joseph's Church. Status; bemused.
Why are you bemused?
The yellow condor activated his internal camera and scanned the rows of seats below his and Laserbeak's hiding place.
The squishies are building something down there. I've seen it before, but I have no idea what it's about.
Laserbeak squinted. It looks like a shed, but there's a group of squishies and animals in there. All arranged around a crate with a baby squishy in it.
Back on the Nemesis, Soundwave ran the images through his processors until he found a suitable definition of the scene.
The Nativity.
The twin condors glanced at each other in confusion. Buzzsaw frowned.
What's the Nativity? Is it something that could be of use to us?
The Communications officer held a small smile in check at the yellow condor's curiosity. A quick glance upwards from his computer confirmed that Starscream was still in full rant-mode.
He telepathically transmitted the images and the explanation to all of his creations.
A scene from the human religious text known as the Bible. It depicts the birth of the sparkling of the Christian deity known as God. The sparkling is referred to as Jesus - born as a human, but still the offspring of a god. The two humans watching over the sparkling are his human creators.
Frenzy reluctantly looked up from his study of the refectory monitors - Blitzwing and Astrotrain were both poking the bushel of mistletoe above their heads with a certain amount of interest. Outside the refectory, Ravage and Ratbat were making their way back to the recharge quarters, matching smirks decorating their faceplates.
The kittykat would probably be getting taken down a peg or two later, but for now…
OK, so this Jesus kid's got three creators? And why's he got a Mexican name?
Soundwave sighed, and ducked as soon as he saw Starscream soaring headfirst across the command deck, ably assisted by Megatron's foot.
I will explain later. Return to your duties.
The Communications officer glanced around his quarters at his assembled offspring as they settled themselves in for the evening.
Ravage had his muzzle in a saucer of warm energon, purring contentedly while Laserbeak and Buzzsaw took turns in sharing the contents of an energon cube on the desk.
Rumble and Frenzy were both armed with Cassette-sized mugs of the now considerably less toxic ener-nog, the blue Cassette leaning against Soundwave's leg while his red twin leaned against his side. Ratbat was snuggled in his creator's lap along with a pre-heated energon cube and a curly Santa straw.
'So, c'mon boss, spill. Nativity? Point of?'
Soundwave had heard the human expression of patience being a virtue.
Like so many of Rumble's virtues, patience had clearly been pawned off on the Cybertronian underground.
'As I informed you previously, the Nativity depicts the birth of the human deity known as Jesus.'
Frenzy raised an eye-ridge. 'Yeah, the Mexican dude, we got that bit.'
Soundwave sighed.
'The birth of Jesus was part of a prophecy recorded in the religious text known as the Bible. The humans believe that Jesus was sent by his creator to Earth to account for the sins of humanity. Thus he was created as a human.'
Rumble blinked. 'Kinda little t' be a martyr, ain't he?'
'The story is apparently retold to many human younglings. Most retellings leave out the more unappealing aspects.'
Ratbat stared up, optics wide and inquisitive. Can you tell us the story?
The Communications officer leaned back in his seat and cuddled his youngest creation to his chest while the others settled in to listen.
'The events of the Nativity took place several hundred years ago, in the Middle Eastern country now referred to as Israel. The deity known as God sent one of his messengers, an angel known as Gabriel-'
What's an angel?
'A powerful being, human in form, but with wings composed of feathers.'
At the look on Ratbat's face, Soundwave managed to find a suitable comparison in his CPU.
'Think of Gabriel as one of the Avatars of Primus.'
Ooooh. Okay.
'Gabriel appeared to a young human femme known as the Virgin Mary, and advised her that she had been chosen by God to bear his creation, and as of that moment, she was carrying said creation.'
Ravage stretched and curled up next to Rumble. Ah. So no pressure on the poor femme then.
Frenzy sniggered. 'Five second wonder, anyone?'
His youngest sibling looked confused. What's a virgin?
Soundwave ignored him and moved the narrative onwards. 'Mary was due to bond with a male known as Joseph. He was initially resistant to the idea of bonding with his intended while she was carrying the creation of another, but he was told by God in a dream to proceed with the ceremonies.'
Buzzsaw looked askance. So the squishy was relying on a voice inside his head telling him to bond with the femme. Riiight. Am I the only one who can hear more than a slight whisper of insanity about these proceedings?
His sister sighed. You're not the only one. Please continue, Soundwave.
'At this period in Earth history, Israel was comprised of several smaller kingdoms known collectively as Judea, and was part of the ancient Roman Empire.'
Rumble grinned. 'Violent, backstabbin', murderous fraggers…those guys had style.'
What's a virgin?
Soundwave tried desperately to ignore Ratbat's question and continued. 'A census was decreed by Augustus Caesar, requiring many family units to return to ancestral homes to be registered. Mary and Joseph were required to travel to a town called Bethlehem to register-'
Frenzy shuttered one optic in thought. 'So it's sorta like us havin' t' register for the Decepticons in Kaon instead of Iacon 'cause you were created there. Right boss?'
'Correct. Upon their arrival in Bethlehem, Mary was due to bear her sparkling. Her bonded requested sleeping quarters at an inn, but was told by the innkeeper that there was no place available.'
Rumble looked unimpressed. 'Bet it was the last time they went through that travel agency.'
Buzzsaw nodded. I expect they asked for a refund.
The Communications officer could feel a neural ache begin to pulse in his CPU. 'The innkeeper informed them that there was a stable available. Mary and Joseph had no choice but to stay there. A few hours later, Mary gave birth to the sparkling, wrapped him in bands of fabric, and laid him in a manger.'
Ravage tilted his head. A manger?
'A receptacle used to hold food for bovine or equine mammals.'
Ratbat looked worried. The animals didn't try to eat him, did they?
Soundwave cuddled the little bat closer and stroked a finger down his nose.
'No, they did not.'
Okay. And what's a virgin?
Buzzsaw did a quick mental tally of the names versus the number of humans in the picture within his memory banks. Something didn't quite click…
So then who are the other squishies? Where do they fit in?
Grateful for the yellow condor's save, Soundwave continued.
'On the night of Jesus' birth, the angel Gabriel appeared to a group of shepherds in the hills outside Bethlehem. They were told that a sparkling had been born who would become a saviour, also known as Christ.'
The blue Cassette grinned. 'How many of 'em freaked?'
'They were all initially disturbed, but then a choir of angels appeared in the heavens proclaiming peace on earth and good will to all men. The shepherds found the stable where the family were staying, and fell to the ground in worship.'
Frenzy smirked. 'Sounds kinda like they'd all had a lil' too much of the good stuff.'
Buzzsaw still looked dubious. And the other three? The ones in the more elegant robes?
'They are the magi.'
All of the Cassettes looked up in curiosity at the unfamiliar word.
'Three scholars from the East, known to most humans as the three kings, had followed a newly created star in the sky. They had predicted the birth of Jesus and had come to worship him.'
Ravage sniffed. The stable's starting to sound like the refectory after an energon raid.
Laserbeak ruffled her wings and shuffled closer to her twin. Following a star? That's just asking for trouble.
The ache in Soundwave's CPU was starting to pulse madly.
'The scholars had brought gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh, all synonymous with Jesus' future life. Gold for a king, frankincense for a prophet, and myrrh for his death.'
Ratbat squeaked happily at the mention of gifts. So were they his Christmas presents or his creation-day presents?
The Communications officer paused. Yes, Christmas and creation day; Jesus had been the first…Ah.
'They were joint presents. Christmas and creation-day combined.'
Safe.
What did Mary and Joseph get for Jesus?
Not safe. Hmmm…
'Their gifts were not recorded.'
Safe again.
You still haven't said what a virgin is.
Soundwave caught Ravage's gaze and glared as the feline smirked. Oh, no chance. You're on your own here.
Time to start stalling. 'I will explain when you are older.'
Ratbat pouted. I wanna know now!
Laserbeak sniggered at her little brother's expression. Just ask Frenzy.
Said Cassette's faceplates started turning an entertaining shade of puce. 'Aw, go stick a magnet in your databanks 'Beaky.'
As the red condor launched herself at her equally crimson brother with a screech of death, destruction and very bad things, the rest of the Cassettes skidded onto the floor and formed an impromptu ring around the two combatants, cheering and howling all the way.
…
Unseen by all of them, Soundwave dug through the storage boxes under his berth for a neural relaxant.
The approaching festivities were helping him to understand just a little too well why some species of Earth animals ate their own young.
TBC