Disclaimer: Kubo Tite-sensei owns Bleach. The genius writers over at NBC own "The Office", and therefore the plots of these unrelated oneshots. (Except for when I went slightly off-book, but that almost never happens. xD)
Author's Note: Thank you so much everyone for the lovely reviews! You have no idea how happy they make me. : ) Also, if you guys are really enjoying the events of these, catch "The Office" Thursdays on NBC, or on the NBC website. Seasons 1, 2 and 3 are currently available on DVD, and parts of Season 4 are on the website. Please, I beg you, if you're laughing your pants off, support the writers and buy the DVDs. The only credit I take is being bored enough to stick Bleach characters in "The Office". And as a random note, this is one of the few chapters were actual pairings are established. To be specific, GinxMatsumoto, AizenxHinamori and ShunsuixNanao. : )
Now, go enjoy this "episode"!
"This is ridiculous." Hinamori muttered. Ichimaru had called her, Aizen and Histugaya to come help him and Kira with a "special project" they were working on, though no one quite understood what the project was. They had also been there for several hours.
"What time are we gonna get out of here...?" Aizen muttered.
"Hey. You got plans tonight?" Ichimaru asked Aizen.
"Nope. You told me not to make plans so I could help you."
Ichimaru nodded. "Man, this is B.S.! Total B.S.!" He turned to the group. "You know what? You guys go enjoy yer evenin'. Kira an' I can pick this one up tomorrow where we left off."
"Thanks, Ichimaru-taichou." Hinamori said before walking to the door.
"Yeah, thanks." Hitsugaya added, walking her out.
"Ya know what? We got a lot o' that done." Ichimaru told Aizen.
"Hm-mm. We did." Aizen replied, nodding.
"I think we should celebrate! How 'bout you an' Hinamori-chan come ta my place fer dinner tonight?"
"Oh, I dunno, we-"
"You said you didn't have plans!" Ichimaru cut the other captain off. Aizen sighed.
"Ichimaru has asked me and Momo-chan to dinner... at least nine times since we got together." Aizen explained. "And, every time, we've managed to get out of it. But, I have to give him credit- he really got me this time. In fact... I'm starting to think that there was no "special project"..."
The camera went back to everyone leaving Ichimaru's office.
"Ichimaru-taichou!" Hitsugaya called. "What time should I be arriving for dinner tonight?"
"Uh... about that... you... will not be comin'." Ichimaru said. "'Cause... it's couples only... and... me and Ran-chan don't have enough sake glasses..."
"Well, who else is going?" Hitsugaya asked.
"Ano... me, Ran-chan, Aizen-taichou, Hinamori-chan, Kyoraku-taichou and Nanao-san."
Hitsugaya's face fell.
"Does it bother me that I wasn't invited to Ichimaru's dinner party...?" he repeated in private.
The boy-captain's face fell as he began to sob loudly.
A knock on the door of the house got Matsumoto's attention. She opened it to reveal Aizen and Hinamori standing outside.
"Hi! Come on in, you guys!"
"You have a beautiful home," Hinamori commented. "And! We brought you this!" She held out a bottle of sake.
"Wow! Thanks so much!" Matsumoto cried, placing it on a table in the living room. "So, do you guys want to take the tour first, or appetizers first?"
Hinamori and Aizen looked at each other before Aizen spoke.
"Tour first. Totally."
"Okay! You want upstairs first or downstairs, hon?" the strawberry blonde asked Ichimaru.
"Totally your call, hon." he replied.
"Upstairs it is!" she cried, leading the way.
"Doing a little construction?" Aizen asked, glancing at the tarp where the back door was supposed to be.
"Jus' redoin' the slidin' glass door." Ichimaru explained, climbing the stairs.
"This..." Matsumoto said, opening a door, "is my office!"
"Never been used," Ichimaru muttered.
"And this..." Matsumoto continued, ignoring his comment, "is my workspace!" She threw open a door to room full of scented candles.
"So... you have an office and a workspace...?" Hinamori asked.
"Yeah, I just... can not create in the same place that I do business." the other woman explained. "I'm sure you're the same with your doodles!"
The camera zoomed in to show Hinamori raising her eyebrows at the term "doodles" and Aizen sticking his head out of the door to breathe correctly, as all the candle perfumes were making him choke.
"Here! Smell!" Matsumoto commanded, sticking a candle under Aizen's nose.
"That... fire, right?"
"Bon fire," Matsumoto corrected.
Ichimaru started playing loudly with some of her candles.
"Whenever I get... annoyed or... frustrated..." she muttered, glancing at Ichimaru, "I just... come up here and smell all my candles! And, poof! Just goes away!"
"Just like that..." Aizen muttered.
"Now, when I first moved in here," Matsumoto began, moving into the master bedroom, "it was like, super-white, like an asylum. I wanted something a little softer, so I had it painted an eggshell white."
"Hey, guess what?" Ichimaru remarked. "White an' eggshell white are the same color."
Matsumoto suddenly noticed the camera on a tripod next to the bed.
"Hon!" she snapped, blushing as she took down the tripod and shoved it under the bed, "I thought I told you to...!"
Hinamori blushed scarlett as she and Aizen exchanged a look.
"Wow, cute bench!" Hinamori cried, staring at the bench at the foot of the bed, desparate for a distraction.
"Oh, thank you!" Matsumoto said.
"Tha's my bed." Gin muttered.
"What?" Aizen and Hinamori said together.
"Well, Ran-chan has some space issues, so I jus' curl up on this baby."
"Are you sure? It looks really... small and... narrow..." Aizen asked.
"'S actually bigger'n it looks. Here!" Gin said, flopping down on it.
"See? He fits perfectly!"
Suddenly, the group was back downstairs.
"So, I finally broke down an' got myself one of them plasma TV's from the Livin' World!" Ichimaru said, gesturing to the 20-inch television set mounted on the wall above the fireplace. "I can jus'... sit here an' watch TV all day. I love this TV!"
The doorbell rang, and Matsumoto rushed to get it.
"Hi! Come on in, you guys!" she cried as she let Kyoraku-taichou and Nanao inside. "Okay, well... we're just gonna take the short tour and then I can get dinner started!"
"Ano, I can help you with dinner, if you like." Hinamori offered.
"Oh, no, the main dish just has to cook for three hours, but everything else is done!" Matsumoto chirped.
Hinamori's eyes turned to small white circles as she spoke. "Three hours from now or like, three hours ago from earlier, like... four o'clock?"
"You know, Hinamori-chan, in some countries in the Living World, they don't even start eating until midnight." Matsumoto said.
"When in Rome," Ichimaru added.
Aizen and Hinamori exchanged a look as Matsumoto began to lead Kyoraku and Nanao upstairs.
"Here's ta good friends." Ichimaru said, holding up his cup of sake.
"Cheers," the rest agreed, holding up their glasses and drinking.
"Ano... music? Should we turn some music on?" Matsumoto asked Ichimaru.
"Sure." Ichimaru said as Matsumoto got up from his lap.
"I picked this up when Gin bought his TV," she explained as the French music began to fill the room. Matsumoto began absently dancing along in front of the stereo.
Nanao raised her eyebrows as Aizen and Hinamori looked at each other until Matsumoto stopped dancing and sat back down.
The camera cut to a private interview with Hinamori in the tiny downstairs bathroom.
"I don't care what they say about me, I just wanna eat! ...Which I know is alot to ask for! ... At a dinner party!"
The group began playing charades.
"My, my my... my turn! My, my my... my turn!" Ichimaru yelled, getting up.
"Hon, can you stop that? It's giving me a headache." Matsumoto said, rubbing her temples.
"It's makin' people laugh! See? I was watchin' Aizen-taichou's face, and he was laughin'!"
The camera showed Aizen, who was no where near laughter.
Ichimaru and Matsumoto began to argue. The camera now went to a private interview with Aizen, who had taken out his soul pager.
"It seems that Gin and Matsumoto-fukutaichou have begun playing a game of their own, and it's called, 'See How Uncomfortable We Can Make Our Guests'! So... I'm gonna make a run for it."
Aizen exited the bathroom.
"You guys will never guess! I just got a message from my Third Seat... apparently, my apartment just flooded. Momo-chan, you ready to go with me to check out the damage?"
Hinamori's face brightened as she rose.
"It doesn' take two of ya ta do that." Ichimaru said. Hinamori's face fell.
"Well... I guess that's true... Well, then. Dinner sounded delicious. Momo-chan, see you at home?" Aizen said, turning around to leave.
"Aizen-taichou, you can't just abandon this party all by itself!" she said defensively.
"That's very true," he called, turning around, "But, everything I own is there."
"You can buy new stuff, Aizen-taichou, but you can't buy a new party!"
Aizen stared at her as Ichimaru ushered him back to the group. "Why doncha just sit down, and we'll make ya forget about all yer stuff bein' destroyed." Ichimaru said, patting Aizen's shoulder as he sat down beside Hinamori.
"Ano, is there more sake in the kitchen?" Hinamori asked, getting up.
"No, I'll get it, I'll get it!" Matsumoto said, rising. "What kind of hostess would I be if I didn't? You know what? Nanao-san, c'mon! Girls trip!"
Nanao slowly rose from her seat and followed the other two into the kitchen.
Matsumoto opened the oven to check the food.
"Not even close," she muttered, closing the oven door.
Hinamori sighed.
"So... you keep a very tidy house." Nanao remarked.
Matsumoto chuckled. "You should see our bathroom after Gin takes a bath." she said. "But... I don't have to tell you about that, do I, Hinamori-chan?"
"Heh, yeah..." Hinamori then realized what Matusmoto had said. "Wait, what? Are you joking?"
"Well, Gin's alot different than when you guys dated... oh, he told me a little bit about it, but... I've seen the way you look at him."
Hinamori blushed a bit. "I have never, ever dated... or wanted to do anything resembling dating Ichimaru-taichou. Not now, not then, not now, not... ever." she said.
"...I've seen the way you look at him when you pass the Third Division." Nanao said, smirking.
Hinamori glanced helplessly at the camera.
The camera went to the guys, who were sitting in the garage.
"Hey, so I noticed ya checkin' out Ran-chan's candles." Ichimaru said to Aizen.
"Not really... she just kind of shoved it under my face..."
"Didja know that candles are the fastest-growin' product in the Livin' World right now? Two billion dollar a year industry. An' fer just ten thousand dollars, ya both can becom co-owners o' Serenity By Ran." he informed them.
"Already thought about it: I'm in." Kyoraku said, already drunk.
"Wait, are you seriously trying to get us to invest in Matsumoto-fukutaichou's company?" Aizen asked, raising his eyebrows.
Just then, the doorbell rang.
"What's it now...?" Ichimaru muttered, moving toward the door.
Matsumoto had already answered it. Hitsugaya stood in the doorway with a bottle of sake, two glasses, and a woman none of them had ever seen in the doorway.
"Awesome!" Hinamori exclaimed under her breath at the sight of her friend.
"What are you doing here, taichou?" Matsumoto asked.
"Yes," Aizen added coldly, "what are you doing here, Hitsugaya-kun?"
"We came to have dinner and party. This is a dinner party, right?"
"What is he doing here?" Matsumoto asked Ichimaru angrily.
"Hitsugaya-taichou's my friend." Ichimaru said. "And ya told me tha' I couldn't invite him 'cause he isn't part of a couple, and we didn' have enough sake glasses. But, he's brought sake glasses and a... person."
Matsumoto pushed past him towards the kitchen.
"I hate my life," she muttered under her breath.
"So... can we come in?" Hitsugaya asked.
Everyone sat around the table, picking at their appetizers in silence.
"I'm gonna go get the food..." Matsumoto muttered, getting up.
Ichimaru leaned across the table to Hinamori.
"Hinamori-chan!" he whispered.
"Yes?"
"...I can' prove it, but... I think she's tryin' ta poison me. I hope she didn' do somethin' ta the food..."
Hinamori's face turned white as Matsumoto sat a plate of food in front of her.
"I know that Matsumoto-san didn't poison the food!" she hissed to the camera in another room. "I know that! But. If she was going to poison the food of someone at that table... wouldn't it be me? Ichimaru-taichou's former lover?!"
The camera went back to the table, where everyone was eating in silence. Ichimaru abruptly got up.
"So..." Aizen muttered, trying to make some conversation.
Just then, Ichimaru re-entered with a neon beer sign in hand. He took down painting on the wall behind him, hung up the sign and plugged it in.
"Hon," Matsumoto began, a phony smile on her face, "you think you can take that down until our guests leave and then we can discuss it?"
"No, hon," Ichimaru replied in contempt, "I think it ties the whole room tagether!"
Matsumoto stood up and put in her CD.
"Ya know... Ran-chan thinks that French lady's so good! But ya know what?! I dun think she's that great!" Ichimaru shouted.
"At least she's an artist!" Matsumoto shot back.
"Yeah? Well, at least I haven't gotcha tryin' to get yer rich-ass friends involved in my business!"
"For an investiment opportunity!"
"Ya know what? I'd really like ta burn all yer candles!" Ichimaru stated.
"You burn it, you buy it!" Matsumoto said dangerously.
"Well then, I'd be yer first customer!"
"And you're hardly my first!"
"... That's what she said!"
Frustrated, Matsumoto glanced around until she saw a vase. She picked it up, and threw it as hard as she could at the TV.
"That... is a two hundred dollar TV ya just killed! Have fun payin' fer that with yer zero-dollars-a-year paycheck!" Ichimaru shouted.
Aizen stood up and put his hands on Hinamori's shoulders. "Yeah, we're gonna get out of here now..."
The other couples stood up and follow them out of the house. The police where standing on the front walkway.
"Crap," Aizen said under his breath.
"Can I help you, officers?" Hitugaya offered.
"Do you live here?" one of the policemen asked.
"I do," Ichimaru said, stepping forward. "What seems ta be the problem, officers?"
"Some of the neighbors where complaining about the noise. Do you know what was going on?" the other one asked.
"Oh, yeah... my girlfriend and I got inta a fight... there was some shoutin'... she broke my TV..."
"D'you want to press charges?"
"... Will she get in trouble?" he asked, suddenly worried.
The policemen exchanged a look. "You don't... have to press charges, but... is there anywhere else you can spend the night?"
"Ichimaru-taichou can come home with me." Hitsugaya said. "C'mon."
"Aizen-taichou? Hinamori-chan?"
Aizen shook his head. "My apartment's on fire."
"Flooded." Hinamori reminded him.
"Flooded!" he corrected himself.
They stared, holding back laughter as Hitsugaya lead Ichimaru back towards seireitei.
"These are the best instant noodles I've ever had." Hinamori said sarcastically, sitting at the table in Aizen's apartment as she shoveled more into her mouth.
"I have a confession to make, Momo-chan." Aizen said slyly.
"What?"
"I did something bad." Aizen lifted Matsumoto's CD out of the folds of his shihakushou. "I stole this."
"Matsumoto-san's CD...!"
Hinamori cracked up as he put it in the stereo, pressed play and began singing along.
After leaving Gin in his apartment, Hitsugaya walked his "date" back to where he'd found her, in 78th District Rukongai.
"Thanks fer dinner!" she said, waving as he walked away.
"So where'd ya go?" Ichimaru asked when he returned.
"... I had to take my date home." he said. After all, it wasn't exactly a lie...