Heylo again. So I've caught the writing bug and can't seem to stop, so I'm going to update as soon as I finish a chapter because right now, I've got nothing but time on my hands. And for those of you reading and enjoying, I know from experience that when you are enjoying a story and the author updates like a mad woman, it's like Christmas morning! So this is for those of you reading my story, because every one of you who reads my little slice of creativity, means a lot to me. Millions of us from around this giant world are brought together on this website to just read, to submerge ourselves in fantasy. And I still can't believe something that I'm writing can interest people from such different places across the globe... Anyway! Wow! I'm rambling!
Allow me to introduce to you Chapter 4, featuring our two favourite blue eyed heartbreakers.
Enjoy guys
"Naomi! Wake the fuck up! I can't find my trench and I have work in less tha... Oh bollocky wank shiite - 15 MINUTES!"
What the fuck Eff. Can't be pleasant for 30 seconds in the morning can you.
"Naio-"
"I'm coming! Keep your vagina on!"
I fumble out into the hallway to find a crazed looking Effy staring back at me. "Well? Do you know where it is?"
"Eff. Which coat are yo-"
"The one with the big bloody hood on it! Can't you see it's raining out?"
"Eff, which pills are you on? I think this is the most I've ever heard you talk in my life. And not to mention your getting easily agitated. By the way your face looks like if it getts any redder, it's going to pop off" Well, that sure did it.
"Naomi, if you don't tell me where my coat is right now, I'm going to pop YOUR head off"
I do this to Effy now and again. The doctors said it was actually a good idea, because with the coctail of pills she has to take everyday and Effy being, well... Effy, I have to make sure she takes all of her pills. You see, I can tell if she skips her meds, and which specific ones at that. If she's skipped a certain one, a few different scenarios take place. If I hide something, she will either just look for it and not ask for help - Closed off Effy in need of pill #1 - or she will yell at me - talkative Effy, pill #1 taken. Next, if I mention her pills and she just stares at me - In need of pill #3. If she calms herself and threatens me - pill #3 consumed. And last but not least, if I give her what she was looking for and she looks at it for a bit, as if trying to remeber if that's what she asked for - Effy in need of pill #2. If she takes it from me, even though it annoys her, she'll always thank me for caring - pill coctail consumed. Sometimes though, she catches on to her reactions and tries to cover them up, which is why I've started doing it in the mornings before she goes to work. Because of the pills, it's hard for her to be able to multi-task the art of manipulation in her brain, so she can't fool me in the mornings. So, I've taken to setting my alarm before hers, and deciding what I can hide from her today.
"Here, right under your nose the whole time" I reach down and pull out her jacket from under the throw rug on the floor where we've been standing.
"You're getting creative now Campbell"
"Practice makes perfect babe. Now hurry up! You work for a living, go on"
She smirks at me and pats my arm, her own way of saying thank you. You see, Effy shows more now. Well, to me anyway. And she talks more, she kind of has to. She works for a big corperate firm and has to give presentations. Mind you they always seem to be short, but she's quite good at her job.
As soon as she's out the door, it's time for my daily routine. I attend school for a few different things: History, Mythology, Politics, etc,. I couldn't decide what to take, and the courses I took last year drove me nuts. So this term I changed them to completly different subjects, even though Effy thinks I should take journalism. I don't get it, why would I possibly want to write for a boring old newspaper? I think I'd go mad sitting in an office all day on a computer. But Effy says that I could get a job where I travel to all different parts of the world and use my skills to maybe get a little village in Africa a chalkboard, or something. The truth is, and she's told me this; I'm rotting in England. I followed Effy to London because I can take care of her, and she needs it. She still struggles with it a bit, but we've got a mutual respect for eachother. But she knows I'm rotting, and it bothers her. To be completely honest, even though I love Effy and want to keep her safe, I'm also selfish in my reasons for following her around. I'm struggling with where my life ended up, and where we ended up. I've talked to Effy about it so many times I can't even think straight. But she's always there for me, holding me while I cry and telling me that 'everything happens for a reason'. Fuck Effy. Always the cryptic eh?
Last night was one of those nights. I replay the last time I saw her in my head over and over again, beating myself up mentally every moment of every day for being such a dick to the only person in the world I've ever loved. But I think, sometimes, that I wanted this. At some point, I lost respect for her. Yeah, we were young, but that never stopped me from feeling it. At some point, I fell out of love with Emily.
After my confession in Freddie's shed, we were inseperable. We went back to my house and made love all night until the sun came up. We really were happy for a while, that much I know. But then, when my mom came back from her shag-cation, something happend. She told me that he cheated on her and she left him there and came home. Of course, she brought his passport back with her to get back at him. My mom telling me about this, and saying that she completly cut all contact with him, that she was going to move on and live her life, that's when I realized that I actually respected my mom for her decision. Whatever his reason or excuse was for cheating, to me, my mom was the strongest person I've ever met for telling him to shove it. I don't want it to sound like I'm blaming my mom for my monsterous behavior, but she definatly was the catalyst in the chain of events that ruined Emily for me.
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A few days after the shed confession...
I remember that day, when my mom cam home, Emily was still sleeping. I told my mom she was here because it was after all, her house. She just smiled and talked to me about how beautiful the beaches were, and how the stars seemed to dance in the skies at night. And then I heard Emily quietly padding down the stairs. She was surprised to see Gina, and tried to fix her messy hair with one hand while pulling down on her big t-shirt with her other hand. My mom gave her a warm greeting and told us to sit down while she made tea. Then, my mom sat down, and told us all about what happened between the two of them. She told us about how he cheated, and what she did about it. How it made her feel, and how even though it was hard, she kicked him to the curb because she respected herself too much to allow them to work out. I remember looking over at Emily, and for the first time since I was 12, I didn't see her the way I always have. What I saw when I looked at her wasn't my Emily anymore, it was someone that I felt uneasy around. You know that feeling, when your with a friend or a lover and they do something you just can't approve of, but you're not in that place yet where you can be honest with them about how you feel regarding their behavior? Well that's the best way I can describe it. I think when Emily looked over at me and saw the way I was looking at her, she knew it too. She could see that I respected my mother so highly in that moment, that every time I looked at Emily, I just saw weakness. And the more weakness I saw, the less attraction and love I felt for her. It was the beginning of the end for us, and I think I wore Emily down so much with all the bullshit I pulled, that she just lost her fight. She lost the will to care, and she just gave up, just like I did. We just stopped talking, calling, texting, everything. She gave it one last go though, and told me that she had gotten accepted to some University in New York, and asked if she could come over. So I agreed, and when she arrived, I opened the door to someone that I really didn't want to spend time with anymore. I know, stupid right? Like I said, I'm a dick.
"So..."
"...So"
"Any thoughts?"
"Nope. If you've applied there, that means you want to go. I don't see what I could poss-"
"Just tell me we have a chance, and I'll stay here, with you"
"What does that matter?"
"Because I just don't get it anymore. I love you Naomi, with all my heart. But I don't understand what happened. One minute you're confessing that you've loved me since you were 12 and then the next you don't even look at me the same. I thought this was what you wanted. I thought I was what you wanted"
"I thought so too. But after my mom told me about-"
"So? That's between them, that's not us Naomi"
"No, it's not"
"What does that mean?" She said this so softly that it wasn't so much a question, it was as if those four little words she said... I could swear I just heard her insides break apart.
"It means I can't figure my twat self out. I feel like it is us, I cheated but you wern't as strong... you forgave me and I see that as weakness. I don't know... I ... I can't stop the way I feel and I just wanna squash my brains into the wall. I'm fucked up Emily. And I know how you feel about that school in New York. I know what you want and I know what you deserve, and a girlfriend who can't even look at you without critisizing everything you do is not what you deserve. So please, go to New York. Because you deserve all the beautiful things in this world and I can't give any of that to you. Not right now."
I'm crying now, because I know she doesn't want to let me go. But I want her to, because somehow it feels like I've already let her go. So she just looks at me one last time, with tears running down her face and says:
"I can never do right by you, can I?"
I'm dubstruck. I don't know what to say to her, and so I just stand there, infront of a completely broken Emily Fitch, and I'm as mute as a mule. She takes my silence in, and nods to herself before walking out of my life forever. We don't call, we don't text. We don't write and we just go about our lives.
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It's not until about a year later when it finally hits me that after she left, I've made a complete mess of my life. I follow Effy around like a lost dog, and all my days ever consist of are classes, coursework, and thinking up new ways to keep Effy 'on the wagon'. I don't go out, I don't have any friends, I just go to class, and go home. I don't even date, I don't even go to the library to read anymore, I read books online. I avoid any kind of human interaction possible and I didn't even know I was doing it! Effy caught on, even during all her rough patches and episodes, she would tell me that I was just as broken as she was and it made the voices in her head sad. Through all that, she was able to see it, and she can be a right mess.
So what does that make me?
I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, it was actually my favourite to write so far. Probably because I was getting bored of all the sappy lovey-dovey stuff in the last few chapters. I'm sure some of you who relate to Naomi are cursing me for making the break-up her fault, but believe me when I say that I relate to her as well and this was the most realistic thing I could think of that would have happened between the two of them. Like the story says, Love isn't always easy, and sometimes it stops being about love all together.
See you soon! Oh and if you feel up to it, let me know what your thinking about this so far, how you feel, or if you have some suggestions? questions? anything? I'm open minded :)