A/N: I'm back! Haha… So, yeah, haven't updated for like… 3 months. Hehe… sorry 'bout that. Uhm, as you'll notice I put the last part of the last chapter at the beginning otherwise the beginning of this chapter will be a bit confusing. Hopefully this chapter will help explain what happened in the past and stuff… so… hopefully it'll answer any questions you had or something… :/

Thanks for sticking with me and the awesome reviews because believe it or not they helped this chapter come out… Things just have not been good for me recently so… yeah. So, consider this update a late Christmas present or… an early New Year's present?

Happy holidays everyone!

Warnings: hints of boy/boy romance (you should know that by now if you're this far!), swearing, sensitive material, OOCness!

Matt bit his lip and recoiled slightly, seemingly content to hear the blond out.

"Don't twist my words, I hardly said anything for you to mangle my words the way you did! I don't know where this is coming from, and I'm not sure why you think acting normally will help anything! I want answers! You were gone and I had no idea where you were! I had no idea what you were doing or if you were even still alive! You say you know what I'm asking but you don't. You don't have a clue. You say you understand, but you don't! Anyway, then you called me and said some bizarre things… I must have imagined it, because, dammit Matt, you said you loved me and it sure doesn't seem that way! If you did you'd know what I'm trying to say, you wouldn't go crazy on me like you just did! You wouldn't make me explain this to you! Dammit Matt, if you loved me you just wouldn't have left me in the first place!"

Matt sank to the floor silently as if thinking about all of this, bowing his head and staring at the floor wordlessly. He brought a gloved hand to his forehead after a moment.

"I know… I know…" Matt mumbled, his voice slightly more calm. "That's why… I came back." The redhead admitted quietly, looking up at the blond briefly before staring back at the ground.

"I should always be with you… no matter what." The gamer started again with a shaky voice, searching the ground with his eyes as if it had all the answers he needed.

"I should be here to protect you, even if you don't want my help. I should be here to make things a little bit easier for you, even if it means taking falls or bullets…" Mello winced at the thought and heard Matt take a deep, shaky breath… but then let out a choked kind of laugh.

The former eyed the redhead suspiciously and Matt peered up at the blond with an almost non-existent smile.

"And there are some things you just shouldn't try to do yourself that I should be here for…" the redhead started, laughing lightly, "I mean…how many times did you have fast food or just plain chocolate for dinner?"

Mello scoffed at his red-haired partner, striding over and giving Matt a merciless noogie, which only made Matt laugh more.

"Ow, ow, ow! Okay, okay!" The redhead managed to sputter through his laughter. Reaching up and grabbing the other's wrists, Matt rolled out of Mello's reach.

The redhead rubbed his tortured head and tried to fake a pout, but his attempts were foiled by the smile on his lips and the moisture in eyes for an entirely different reason than before.

Mello looked down at his red haired partner, his friend, and smiled just slightly. Matt's eyes suddenly lit up like they always did when he got an idea and he stood up abruptly.

"Hang on one second, okay? I'll be right back!" Matt insisted, holding his hands up to Mello, palms out, before disappearing into the other room.

The blond sighed and rolled his eyes, but sank down onto the couch anyway. The springs creaked under his weight and Mello swung his legs up onto the arm rest, ignoring all of the couch's protests.

A wave of relief washed over him. Saying Matt had scared him would've been an understatement… he was terrified… and he had hated it. He hoped things would be okay now; some of the tension seemed to have been lifted.

He wanted Matt to stay this time, and for that to happen he'd have to change a few things… including how he acted towards the redhead. But how was he supposed to know Matt was sensitive if he never showed it?

The person in question came in through the door at that moment, his heavy boots making a hollow thud against the wood flooring.

"Here ya' go." Matt said in an almost sing-song tone. He handed Mello an icy glass over the back of the couch. It was filled with one of Mello's favorites; it was the best thing Matt could make in Mello's opinion: a chocolate milkshake. The blond felt a warm tingling in his abdomen and an overwhelming sense of gratitude as he took the glass.

"I'm surprised he milk wasn't spoiled…" Matt mumbled teasingly, earning himself a withering look from the other male in the room. Seeing the couch completely occupied by the blond, Matt simply leaned over the back of the couch and watched Mello out of the corner of his eye.

The blond was absently sipping the cool drink, his eyes unfocused as if his mind was somewhere else.

"I guess that's my apology…" Matt started, an ashamed look on his face, "for running out on you and freaking out just now and-"

"I would've done the same, Matt." Mello interrupted, his unfocused eyes on the floor. Matt quirked an eyebrow, "Really?" He asked dubiously.

The redhead came around to the front of the couch and kneeled on the floor in front of the blond, "of course," Matt started coolly, "You won't have to 'cause I'm notgonna' be an asshole." He finished, smiling and nodding until Mello glared half heartedly at him.

Matt flinched, "Notthat you're an asshole! You weren't being an ass, that's not what I meant!" He added quickly, realizing how Mello could take offense to his previous statement.

Mello sighed, "No, Matt, I was being an ass. That's what I meant; if I were you I would've left a long time ago. I don't know how you put up with me anymore."

Matt's eyes widened, "Well, uh… okay then…" Matt cleared his throat awkwardly, "What happened…?"

Mello looked at him quizzically over the rim of his frosty glass. Matt chucked lightly at the sight, but then coughed to discreetly, or so he thought, cover his amusement.

"I mean… you've changed. Usually you'd never admit to being an ass… usually you'd just say I was being a girl and that was that." Matt said with slight amusement, watching the blond to see his reaction.

Mello rolled his eyes, but then realized that what he said was probably true. "Uh… Near death experience?" He offered lamely, finishing off his milkshake in one gulp.

The blond leaned over Matt and set his empty glass on the table. Pulling his hand back, Mello sunk into the couch cushions and folded his arms over his chest.

Matt frowned at the other's response, but realized it might not be far from the truth, even if he had just said it to avoid the subject.

"What did you think about?" The redhead asked, his voice and expression suddenly serious.

Mello looked confused for a moment, but then took a deep breath and lowered his eyes. "I… I-" Mello stopped and sighed, suddenly baffled and embarrassed by the simple question.

A couple minutes of thoughtful silence passed before Matt spoke, "I'll tell you what I thought about… when Takada's bodyguards were shooting at me…" Matt paused and noticed that Mello was watching him in anticipation.

The redhead was almost happy; he loved when he could seriously talk to Mello without any yelling or swearing at each other. Matt folded his legs underneath himself with his hands in his lap.

Glancing up quickly to make sure he still had Mello's attention, Matt continued, "I wondered if it was really the end… I thought about the things I was never able to do, the things I was never able to say… who I'd never become. I realized that I wouldn't live to see my eighteenth birthday.

"I told myself that I was dying for a cause-that because I had been there that Kira would be caught… maybe I'd be remembered for something, I'd be important. I'd be remembered as Mail, not just the kid in the stripes… it sounds vain, doesn't it?"

Matt hesitated, there was no turning back now, "I thought about you. Overall I hoped that because I was dying you'd be okay… But, selfishly enough, I wished that you'd be there when I died. Because I realized that I should have told you how I felt before it was too late. I realized that I should have told you before that moment.

"That whole time, when I was being shot at until I was laying in the street bleeding… I secretly wondered if this is what I had wanted the whole time-if I wanted to die… because if I died, I wouldn't have to deal with the hurt or the confusion or the regret.

"As everything went black… I don't even remember if I was crying or if I was smiling… I just remember that I woke up in the hospital and the doctors were leaning over me and they were telling me to relax, that I was safe, that they'd help me and Kira had been caught and that… you were okay.

"And… I just smiled at them, as well as I could at the time, and… passed out again. I guess that was a little off topic, but…" Matt finished, drawing in a shaky breath.

He was exposed, vulnerable. He had told Mello his deepest feelings; he couldn't remember a time he had been so worried about the blonde's response as he watched Mello take it all in.

Mello was sitting up now, his elbows propped on his knees and his forehead resting on his hands. The blond swallowed hard and took in several shaky breaths before speaking quietly, solemnly, "well, I didn't think as much as you because I was rescued before any harm actually came to me… but…"

The blond hesitated as a warm tear slid down his cheek. He hoped his hands were covering his face enough that Matt couldn't see… he knew Matt would feel guilty. But what Matt had thought that day… Mello wanted to tell him he would always remember him as Mail, his best friend.

He wanted to tell him that he would want to be there for Matt when he died because he wouldn't want to be alone without the redhead. He wanted to tell Matt not to ever think about dying as an escape. He wanted to tell the redhead to stay… forever. He wanted to ask Matt what would've happened to them if he had known of Matt's feelings before.

Just remembering that day when Matt had almost died… seeing his motionless form next to his car on that little TV screen had made his heart drop.

Driving in that truck alone he apologized over and over again to Matt who he prayed to still be alive… and to think that Matt had been concerned about him!

He had stopped the truck then and went in the trailer, intending to just get on his motorcycle and get to Matt, but he had caught Takada writing his name on a slip of paper she somehow still had.

He had snatched it away before she had finished and he had had evidence… But hell, Mello hadn't even cared when they caught Kira. He had rushed to Matt and wouldn't let the redhead out of his sight until they reached the hospital.

He couldn't even start to explain the relief he felt when Matt opened his eyes.

Mello felt more tears wetting his face and he knew Matt would see him-Matt had always been observant.

"Mello? Mello, are you…?" Matt asked worriedly, cautiously reaching towards the blond. Mello lifted a finger from his face to show Matt to wait.

He heard the redhead sigh, but slowly sink back down onto his heels and wait patiently.

"I just though about how short my life had been… and how wrong the way I treated people –you- was. I couldn't believe it was the end, really. I thought of everything I should've done differently… when I thought about people I wronged I guess I was thinking about you since you're always around…"

Mello's voice cracked and he paused to take a breath. The blond continued before Matt could interrupt, "I should've thanked you… I should have respected you, I should've appreciated you. I had thought that I had only seen violence and pain… and abandonment, that I'd never see the other side of things, but now I realize I was wrong.

"You were there, you didn't abandon me-you cared. You always would try to make me happy, but I just took it for granted. Strangely enough, you loved me, you still do and all this time I hadn't realized it.

"I didn't realize that I wasn't alone and there was someone there for me… I think about it now and I don't even remember why I decided to go into that stupid hideout. Kira has been caught… why should I have cared that they might have another little, inferior Kira? Near could've handled that without almost getting killed!"

Mello choked on saying 'Near,' but kept down the temper that threatened to come up with the pale boy's name, "It was just bound to go wrong… and had you been there you probably would've died… I don't know what I was thinking.

"Matt, I'm so sorry…" Mello finished, sounding broken and confused.

Matt couldn't help it anymore; he couldn't stand to see Mello like this. He got up and sank next to Mello on the couch. Wrapping his arms around the blonde's shoulders, Matt pulled the other against his chest, hoping Mello wouldn't try to squirm away.

The blond tensed and Matt feared he'd be pushed away. But soon Mello relaxed against the redhead with his face buried in Matt's shoulder and his arms uncertainly wrapped around the other's middle.

Matt let Mello cry silently in his arms. Just like in Wammy's, Matt thought wistfully, pulling Mello closer.

Mello inhaled the scent of cigarette smoke and the other smells that made Matt smell uniquely… Matt and smiled fondly. Just like in Wammy's…

Again, Happy Holidays!! Critique along with reviews are always welcome!