Hey all of you incredibly awesome people out there reading my fanfic :) Did you have a great weekend? I am so freakin' sore! ...Okay, wait. From hiking, nothing else!
I can't possibly find the words to thank you for reviewing, favourite-ing my story, following... and I've come to see that many of you have even gone so far as to mark me as your favourite author; which is a monumental honour. So, since I can't find the right words to thank you (ironic, considering I am now submitting to you my 17th chapter) here is my thank you in the form of another chapter.
Naomi POV
If someone had told me that I was going to get kissed by Emily Fitch while going for a quick coffee run, I would have laughed in their face. But, I would have been made the fool if that were the case. Because I did, I did go out for a coffee run at the insistance of Effy and I did smack into her. In every sense of the phrase; literally. I reached my hand out to help up the girl I had so foolishly knocked over while being lost in my thoughts, coincidentally of said girl, and before I knew it I was kissing lips I never thought I'd be able to kiss again. Every sensation I felt in that simple embrace was enough to cause an explosion. The combat between hot and cold, the air was frigid but she was as warm as that fire we sat in front of long ago. Her lips have gotten softer somehow, gentler. Our lips fit together perfectly as they always have, and I can't help my mind from running around in a million directions as we kiss.
The thing is, I've been coasting. I have spent the last few years living as someone I don't know, as someone I've never cared for. I reverted back to the girl who kept everyone at arms length, didn't let love in, and didn't care about... well, anything. Sure, me and Ef are the exception, but that's only because she can never hurt me. And, to be honest, it's easy to just be me with her. To do or say the things that I want; because I know it's impossible to hurt that Stonem. It's not just her name that is made of stone. The girl is an enigma, and that's the reason I couldn't ever hurt her; because she isn't like everyone else. She runs on a completely different wave length and I'm not evolved enough to inflict pain on her supirior being.
I haven't even spoken to my mother, which is heartbreaking concidering we were actually starting to become close again. She always told me, and I quote: 'you could never understand love or pain until you become a mother'. But the reality, I understand completely. I understand that she gave birth to this baby, this little being that was an extention of her heart and soul. She watched me grow from poopy diapers to crawling wars, from first words to the first day of school. I know that she worried about me everyday, wether it be when she was called into school to find that I had punched my bully or sassed my teacher. I know she watched me go from being utterly reliant on her and idolising her, to finding her irritating and wanting nothing to do with her. How I had turned 13 and just shut her out. She lost her best friend. Now granted, communal living was utter bollocks, but she is her own person; and I admire her for never loosing herself as I have. But, just as I left Emily when things were improving, I left my mother too. Again. And the worst part about it is, both women will always greet me with love no matter what I've done to them.
Emily knocked sense back into me, and showed me that I had no reason to be such a fucking angsty teenager. I had a mother who loved me even when I was being a twat, a mother who had no problem with me being gay. I lived in a home, not a shack or on the street, and I grew up with love. So, everything I had built myself up to be when I was with Emily; I left behind. Because I couldn't do it on my own, I wasn't strong enough. I think I'm the weakest person in the world, because I need Emily to be my proper self. I don't have the strength to be me on my own, and that is utterly rediculous. I'm like mother nature, disguising my weaknesses as strengths. Wearing armour that is big, bulky and buffed up to glisten in the sun, but is actually as strong as wax paper. So it's no surprise that when Emily made her way back into my life, I tried desperately to keep her at a distance, because that's what I'm good at. But this time, it wasn't to protect myself, it was to protect her. But, as I've always known, Emily is strong, and she will always be herself; never to falter. She makes her own decisions and does what she wants, what she feels is right. So there must be a good reason why she is kissing me, because she is like... clever.
The feel of her on my lips is enough to make me crumble, but my actions show the opposite because instead of my knees buckling, which is believeably a more likely scenario; I end up wrapping my arms around her tiny waist and lifting her up off the ground like Ryan Gosling did to Emma Stone in Crazy, Stupid, Love. If she is surprised, she doesn't show it, because she just wraps her arms around my neck and moves into me. And it feels like sculpture, how you can force water onto wet clay and make a bowl out of it. We stay like this for what feels like an eternity, though I am far from complaining. Any onlookers would probably think she was a cripple who lost her wheelchair or something, because I still have her lifted in the air like a tsunami is forming beneath her feet.
She breaks away from me, and must see the fear in my face. Because I am scared, I'm scared I've fucked everything up, that I've managed to hurt people again just by being me, that I will continue to hurt people; like a never ending cycle. So it comes as a surprise when she closes her eyes, shakes her head, and says a simple:
"Don't you dare"
"...What?" I splutter, because let's face it. I was just in the middle of a snog from heaven.
"This is simple Naomi, don't complicate it."
I'm confused, so I place her back down on the ground slowly, but don't break the contact by removing my arms. "How would I complicate it? I think it's already complicated enou-"
"Here" She starts, placing one hand firmly on my chest as if to keep me in place. "I'll explain this to you, okay?"
Nod. She still hasn't removed her arm from around my neck.
"Concider this... a deal."
"Come again?"
"You made a deal with the devil here, Naomi. You got what you always wanted, and now I, the devil; am here to collect." She says this with one of her eyebrows raised that is a paralysing mixture of seduction and confidence.
What the hell is she talking about?
"Okay..." I start "What are you collecting?"
"Well" She explains "The devil usually takes your soul, but since I'm not literally the devil, I'll take an 'I owe you' instead"
I raise an eyebrow "And what exactly do I owe you?"
She looks into my eyes, and says with the upmost conviction "Proof that you deserve me. That you have changed, that I haven't just thrown it all away for someone who isn't worth it. I need you to show me that we belong together, just like I showed you all those years ago. It's my turn Naomi, I think you owe me that, kiss or not. And you'll never get another one until you've done it. Savvy?"
Holy shit, it's in the cards for me to get another one?!
She's right, I do owe her. I owe her big time and she deserves this. She's never asked me for anything, except to be brave. And that's hardly unfair, is it? This isn't about me deserving her, because I've never felt like I have and I could never prove that. This is about me stepping up, and working at something for the first time in my bloody life. And it's not a bad feat, because it'll be for something important, some one important.
"How do I do that?" I ask.
As if she is going to tell you. You're lucky you even got a kiss you wanker.
She smiles then, and I can't help but get lost in her scent. The one I remember from so long ago. I'll bet she still uses the same shampoo, the one she knew that I liked so she would buy 2 or 3 at a time. Or maybe it's the perfume that I bought her once that she took a surprisingly heavy liking to. Whatever it is, it feels like coming home.
"You could start with a date" she smirks.
Huh. I wasn't expecting that.
"Do you mean like, a clean slate?" I ask.
She shrugs. "That's up to you"
I think about it then, do I really want to wipe away all the memories? Sure, the ones of me being a cock will be gone, but all the good ones will be gone too. And those are some of the only things that keep me together. That at one time, I was capable of nurturing something bigger than myself. That I was capable of love, and I was lucky enough to have it in my life.
"No" I shake my head, finally settling the inner battle of wits in my mind.
"I don't want to start over. All that we are, it's still special. I just need to remove the bile is all"
She nods in agreement, and smiles sweetly at me. "That's a good start"
Somehow during our time together I manage to send out a text to Effy - using my free hand of course, since the other one is tangled up in Emily's feeling safe and at peace - mostly an apology because she is just as bad as me when it comes to a caffeine fix, thumbing out quickly:
Ef, bumped into Emily... I need your help. She wants a redemption date, help? - N
I don't have to wait long for the shortest reply on the planet:
No Coffee then. - E
It may be finished with a period, but it is definitely a question. Well, her version of one anyway. Fuck Effy. Always coffee before romance with you.
Sorry. - N
I can practically hear her sigh at that text, and I'm sure it's now a twin thing we share where we know what the other is feeling. I wonder if our mensies have synced up too... Fuck, gross.
My phone buzzes again, and Effy is as aloof as ever, yet insightful at the same time. Though I wish she could just TELL me what to do, I guess it's up to me.
This is you're last day on earth with Emily Fitch. Do what you feel you should do with one day left. - E
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Katie POV
I don't know what to do. I know September is hurting, and I know the fact that me and Emily are twins in the full sense isn't helping. I've grown to love her as a sister, and it hurts to see her hurt, you know? She was really good for Em, and I hate the fact that my stupid sister can't let go of that emotionally retarded bottle blonde. Sept tried to explain it to me, said something about true love and inability to control how you feel, but that's utter bollocks, innit? Anyone can get over anything with the right person.
I enter the flat, and I hear silence. Which is strange, because if living with Sept for the past couple weeks has taught me anything; it's that she hates silence. She must be out, I think to myself.
She's always either got music on, or is playing guitar with headphones on and a stack of papers infront of her; scribbles covering up every bare white spot. I've tried to talk to her, and tell her not to use her headphones because she's actually quite brilliant at playing, that I like to listen to the sound believe it or not. But she says that she likes the intimacy of it, the fact that the music slowly makes its way like an electrical current from the guitar, through the amp, and speeds up the chord through the headphones and only into her ears gives her some kind of inner understanding. I've never been creative, so I guess i'll have to take her word for it. Though, when I pout and beg she will play a bit for me. I feel like a groupie sometimes, because I just sit there in awe when she does. I swear any outsider watching us, well... watching me, would make me lose all self respect entirely.
She always skulks in with one of her guitars - usually the thick wood one with a big hole in the middle of it that doesn't need to be plugged in, and stickers from god knows where plastered all over it - and sits down on the ottoman across from me. Yes, I am usually sprawled across the couch when I get home, my bloody dogs are tired working all day in lush heels! I instinctively sit up, cross my legs in front of me and rest my elbows on my knees, hold my head in my hands; and just watch. It's really surreal, you know? Some piece of wood with strings tied to it, in the right hands, can either make you smile, think, laugh; even cry.
Last night was one of those times, when the simplest thing makes you fall apart. Made me fall apart. Makes you feel things inside that you didn't even know were there. Like attending a therapy session, where the doctor tells you that you're inability to feel love is rooted in childhood trauma. I had asked her to play me a song and she started slowly strumming, and singing softly:
All those arrows you threw, you threw them away
You kept falling in love and then one day
She was playing differently, she used her fingers instead of that triangular plectrum thing, and it made it sound even sadder. She alternated between her thumb and forefinger, and continued:
When you fell, you fell towards me
When you crashed in the clouds, you found me
I felt my eyes well up then, while internally scoulding myself for feeling like this. Katie fucking Fitch doesn't cry, so why am I about to? Why does this not only mirror her torment, but mine as well? I've been fine on my own, I like it. I don't have to do anything for anybody, I can do what I want when I want, so why do I feel so lonely? This girl infront of me, strumming away and quietly breathing out -
If you want me to break down and give you the keys
I can do that but I can't let you leave
- She is the one who can cry, is allowed to cry. I need to be strong, I'm always strong. But with her simple song that feels like utter heartbreak, I crumble. And not in the over dramatic way everyone else does, in the way that only I can; I let that single tear fall.
She looks up at me then, stops playing, and somehow manages to smile at me. And it makes me feel even worse, because she is now being strong for me. She is the one dying inside and has to console me. It doesn't seem to bother her, because she leans the guitar against the ottoman she was once sat on and sits next to me; and I'm immediately surrounded by her arms. She is hugging me, and I let her. For some reason, she is the only one who I've ever allowed this kind of intimacy with, and coincidentally the only person who has ever offered her arms around me as comfort.
I hope you liked it :) I know it's short, but I really, really liked how it turned out. I had a hell of time trying to write it, but it turned into my favourite chapter. I think that song Sept sings captures the mood between them perfectly so I felt the need to use it. A little Katie insight for you, because as bitchy as she is, she is still just as deep and misunderstood as the rest of us, you know?
Oh, one more thing. I have a plan for this story, and I'm gonna need a little help and inspiration for one of the following chapters. Does anyone out there have any suggestions for a redeemable date? Naomi can't screw this one up guys, there's so much riding on it!
See you soon,
Violet