Chapter Sixteen -
Completely, wholly, eternally
Harry couldn't speak, his voice failing him. Dread pooled in his stomach where it seared his insides like acid. He sucked in a sharp breath, fingers curling into tight fists as he fought the urge to unleash that captured breath in a primal cry of despair. Suppressing that compulsion, he closed his eyes instead, swallowing hard to stall the bile rising in his throat and the ache swelling in his heart.
His mind raced at a frenzied pace, reeling with a torrent of disjointed thoughts and confused emotions. Soon, those fragmented thoughts ceased their whirlwind spinning, the panicked disarray giving way to just one coherent yet devastating thought...
It was because of me! Oh God... Solus left because of me!
Harry felt his heart clench in painful acknowledgement, the harsh truth of the great raven's prophetic farewell feeling like a finishing blow, a gut-wrenching, definitive end.
It was all his fault... his fault. All along... all this time... it was Harry, under the guise of Gray, who was to blame for engendering Severus' greatest pain. It was the loss of Gray Skye – and not Lily Evans or even Albus Dumbledore – that was to be the fated catalyst that would thrust Severus into a lifetime of enduring grief and emotional seclusion, the impetus that would inspire twenty years of heartbreak and bitterness carefully hidden behind a mask of biting hostility and cool indifference.
Harry wasn't clueless; deep down, he had known this was more than a possibility. Even before he stood in the Shrieking Shack and articulated the words to the spell that would send him twenty years into the past, he had been aware that Gray Skye was responsible for causing Severus Snape deep, emotional pain. The poem – Gray Skye Mourning – was a testament to the man's intense sorrow and hardship in the wake of Gray's untimely leave, a lyrical lament expressing a profusion of unrelenting anguish and devastating loss.
Yet despite that clear evidence, Harry had somehow convinced himself that Solus' departure – the event that would signal her master's divined loss – had to have been precipitated by a different suffering. As if clinging to his own desperate denial, Harry had allowed himself to believe that the man's life, so filled with pain and loss, must have contained a greater torment, a deeper heartbreak.
Now, however, the truth was laid bare, raw and sharp; a harsh, cruel reality of fate. There was no denying it, no way to turn back the hands of time in order to impede its caustic effects. Solus' prescient withdrawal was a mainstay of destiny now, an ill-fated ripple of consequence inspired by Gray's touch in this timeline.
Harry stifled another anguished sob, his captive breath finally escaping his parted, trembling lips. Tears were once again pooling in his eyes, but he ignored them, his gaze fixed on wounded ebony ones whose fathomless depths seemed to radiate more pain than he had ever seen there before.
Stretching out a shaky hand, Harry placed his fingertips gently to one pale, damp cheek, gliding them through the fallen drops. His fingers journeyed further, past one high cheekbone to thread through strands of jet-black hair, his palm coming to rest on the warm, tear-streaked skin.
"I'm so sorry," he choked out, leaning in. He brushed a timorous, trembly kiss to those thin lips, his eyelids falling closed as he inched closer, bringing his forehead to Severus'. Breathing in his love's scent in shallow, quivering draws, Harry slipped his fingers the rest of the way through Severus' hair, curling them around his neck to draw him nearer. He brought his other hand up to grip one narrow shoulder that was slumped forward, squeezing softly to still the faint shudder he felt there.
"Severus... Oh God, Severus... I... I never meant to hurt you..." Harry quavered, his voice a mere whisper of anguished regret, hushed words spoken against lips that quivered against his own.
"I had imagined it differently," Severus breathed, his own softly spoken words grazing Harry's mouth like a warm breeze. "For some reason, I had expected her to leave in the early morning – a sunless morning, bleak and dismal, with great billowing clouds strewn across an ashen sky and an ominous stillness that spoke of an imminent storm."
Harry could feel the beginnings of a cynical smile emerging on those thin lips against his skin, their corners curving up slightly, even as new tears slid down the drying tracks on the boy's cheeks.
"Foolish, poetic notion," Severus chastised through his feigned grin, a weak, hollow laugh following the condemnation – one devoid of humor, empty and saccharine. "How ironic that I would envision my ultimate pain commencing under a sheltering grey sky. Perhaps I should have taken Divination... considering my gift for metaphoric prophecy."
The ache in Harry's heart intensified upon hearing those embittered words. Overwhelmed by guilt and sorrow and suffocating regret, he opened his mouth – hoping to say something that would ease Severus' pain, anything to take away some small part of the boy's wretched suffering – but snapped it shut again, startled, when Severus pulled away abruptly.
In a flash, those slender hands relinquished their vice-like grip on Secrets of the Darkest Art and took hold of Harry's face, grasping it firmly. Tearful, dark eyes probed Harry's own with a penetrating gaze, wounded and grief-stricken, but tinged with a quiet, desperate hope.
"Gray, do you really love me?" he whispered.
"Yes. Oh God, Severus, I love you so much I can hardly breathe... so much it feels like my heart might stop beating every time I think about... about leaving you..." Harry anguished, his hands now sliding down Severus' chest to clutch at the fabric of the boy's t-shirt as he fought the despairing sob threatening to escape his burning throat. "I hate what I've done to you... what I've put you through... what you'll have to endure because of me..."
"Shhh. No more of that. Do you hear me? No more," Severus demanded, his face now taking on a fierce, determined expression. "You're here now. We still have tonight and..."
He paused here, his intense gaze softening, once again taking on that look of hopeful longing, open and vulnerable.
"And... if you love me..." he continued, his voice a mere whisper, "then there's something I need from you..."
Releasing his grasp on Harry's face, Severus stood up, one hand snatching up the discarded book from his lap, the other reaching for Harry's hand.
"Come on," he said, pulling Harry to his feet, "I want to show you something."
Despite Severus' enigmatic prompting, neither one of them made to leave the dock's edge straightaway, both seemingly lost within the intensity of each other's emotional gaze. Their fingers laced and closed together as they stared at one another for a long moment, their bodies close, hearts beating as one.
Although the seconds continued to descend into the callous, greedy past, slipping away at an unyielding speed, Harry found himself strangely pacified, his breathing no longer shallow and panicked, his racing heartbeats falling into a more relaxed rhythm. For the first time in days, weeks or possibly even years, he felt his mind settle into an unearthly, peaceful calm, somehow released from the stranglehold of his own oppressive guilt and fear.
A quiet rustling issued from the farthest fringe of trees, breaking the silence.
Startled, Harry turned toward the sound, Severus following suit a second later. They both watched as the baby thestral, Spera's spirited newborn, emerged from the thicket, his head peeping out from a mass of overgrown vines and leaves. Seemingly oblivious to his onlookers, he sniffed at the ground for a few seconds, as if foraging for food, then scampered back through the forest's depths in a blur of lanky black limbs.
In the moment that followed, Harry found his placid mind adrift, memories of the tiny thestral's birth and Spera's death coming to the forefront of his thoughts. The recollection brought a tremor of painful reflection back into his heart, threatening to usurp his newfound calm, but his mounting distress was stalled by a gentle tug to his hand still entwined with Severus'. He turned back to see those dark, cavernous eyes once again locked with his own, a glint of intuitive understanding swirling like sentient flames within the dark orbs.
"He'll love me forever... right, Gray?"
At Severus' insightful query, Harry felt the last of his harbored anxiety break free and fall away. He answered without hesitation, his affirming words feeling like bittersweet closure.
"Yes... forever. I promise."
A doleful smile curved those thin lips as ebony eyes disappeared beneath their lids. Severus released a long, shaky breath then drew in another, letting it out slowly as he opened his eyes. After giving Harry's hand a gentle squeeze, he turned toward the cottage, leading the way back over the timeworn boards of the aged dock and out across the twilight-dim grounds.
Harry let himself be led, his mind strangely idle, that encompassing sense of serenity still present as he followed Severus through the cottage's high-arched doorway and into the sitting room. At once, his eyes drifted toward the kitchen table and he froze. The sight of his school bag with its contents still scattered about the worn wooden surface prompted his heart to give a painful lurch, his thoughts snapping right back to the flood of panic he had felt when he had first come upon the scene.
"You should pack," Severus suggested. In contrast to a few moments ago, his tone was flat and lifeless, the ghost of a smile that had graced his lips fading. He pulled his gaze away from the ransacked possessions and released Harry's hand. The retreating fingers trembled slightly as they rose to tuck an errant lock of jet-black hair behind one ear and then curve around the back of that slender neck.
Harry's gaze lingered on Severus' ambling fingers for another few seconds before drifting back to those ebony eyes – eyes that suddenly radiated that same obscure eagerness as before, a gleam of avid yet anxious yearning.
"When you're done..." Severus continued, his voice softer, more tentative, "I... I have something for you. For us."
Without another word, he placed Secrets of the Darkest Art on the table next Harry's bag and headed toward his potions worktable.
Harry watched Severus' retreating form, his mind fraught with anticipation while he pondered what exactly the boy was intending to give him, or rather the both of them.
Despite his burgeoning curiosity, Harry forced himself to focus on the task at hand. With his gaze still fixed on Severus across the room, he seized his school bag and began sightlessly snatching up his books and quills and ink bottles and throwing them inside. He was just about to toss in the last book when out of the corner of his eye, he glimpsed the familiar blood-red title emblazoned across the book's cover. He ceased staring at Severus and looked more fully at the anomalous object in his hands – an overlap, Dumbledore had called it. Harry held his breath while he stared at it far longer than necessary, the realization that this book was supposed to remain in this time somehow disturbing him more than finding out Severus had used it to decipher Harry's own divined departure.
Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath to ward off the renewed ache in his heart, Harry placed the book back onto the table and returned to his task, cramming his remaining possessions into the bag and then fastening the zip. He walked the short distance over to the bed, deposited his bag on the floor beside the small bedside table and then hastened over to join Severus.
That burning curiosity came back to Harry in full when he neared the potions worktable and saw a small brass cauldron set atop a low blue flame, its contents just beginning to emit twisting tendrils of translucent steam. The potion beneath the curling vapor was roiling at a gentle simmer, the liquid almost colorless with a hint of shimmering grey effervescence dancing on its surface. Beside the cauldron lay two empty potion vials, a small ladle and Severus' silver chopping knife.
"Is this the potion for your Mastery Potions project?" Harry asked, his brow knitted in vague recognition.
He had caught a glimpse of the potion after Severus started experimenting with truth serums as the Trigger Potion, and was almost certain that it looked similar to what was in front of them now.
Severus nodded, then released a shaky, nervous breath, ebony eyes withdrawing from the simmering potion to fix upon Harry's confused grey ones.
"Yes, it's my Retorquentis Potion," he confirmed. A small smile radiating something like pride emerged on his face as he continued, a tinge of color warming his pale cheeks. "And it's viable. It took me until yesterday morning, but I finally hit on a truth serum that was mild enough to work as a successful Trigger Potion, and the results yielded the correct link."
"Mild enough? Why would you have to lessen the effects of the truth serum?" Harry asked, feeling more than a little confused about the whole thing. Although Severus had given him a basic explanation a couple of weeks ago, he still found the concept of Trigger Potions perplexing.
The faint smile curving those thin lips lessened a fraction, dark eyes lowering once more. When Severus spoke again, his tone was edged with caution, speaking each word as if it were chosen with painstaking care.
"My naiveté drove me to first pursue a variation of the Elixir to Induce Euphoria as a Trigger. I assumed the blissful effects engendered by the potion would correlate perfectly to the link I sought to produce with my Retorquentis Potion. I was wrong."
Severus broke his intense scrutiny with the potion and glanced up at Harry, once more meeting his curious gaze. Vulnerability and tentative hope swam in equal amounts within those dark orbs as their owner went on with his explanation.
"It was the sincerity of my feelings for you that opened my eyes to what it was that I had previously overlooked – the simple fact that truth is a much more compatible foundation for this potion than euphoria. However a strong truth serum, such as Veritaserum which is used primarily to uncover falsities and deception, would have been much too potent... much too severe. I needed to lessen the effects of my truth serum to better suit the link I was aiming to create."
Severus paused to edge closer to Harry, slender fingers reaching out and gripping his forearms, squeezing lightly before sliding down to interlace with Harry's fingers.
"You see, I finally realized that truth is essential for love… genuine truth… truth of self and soul and sacrifice… the kind of truth that makes it possible to experience a love so deep, so pure and raw, that everything else pales by comparison. Truth of this nature, shared between two souls in love, is intrinsic and natural, intuitively compelling, but not invasive or demanding, never overbearing. For it is truth that touches upon those innate desires that live within the depths of our hearts… truth that embodies all aspects of love… not just euphoria, but also devotion, trust, affection, as well as fear, uncertainty, despair and loss… everything. Only through truth can this kind of spiritual emotion be veritable. Only through truth can it truly be called love."
Closing the meager gap between them, Severus leaned in further, his lips brushing against Harry's as he spoke again in a rush of soft, hesitant breath, the words ghosting over his parted lips.
"This potion is triggered by this kind of truth, using it as a base to create a link between two people who feel a profound, spiritual love for one another – a deep abiding love of spirit and soul – and it connects them both emotionally and sensorily."
Harry felt his heart speed up upon hearing Severus' words, his mind spinning and his breath hitching as he tried to process this new information.
Severus withdrew from his mouth and looked at him with an expression more open and wanting than Harry had ever seen before on that thin face.
"I made this potion for us, Gray. For me and for–"
"Lily."
"Wh-what?"
For a split second, Harry was as bewildered as Severus, the familial name of his mother falling from his lips almost reflexively, an involuntary slur of subconscious understanding. But once he had said it, the sudden realization of where the notion had come from struck him with the force of a stunning spell, his whirring thoughts zeroing in on the source of his utterance like a shot.
It was during his stay in the Hospital Wing, when Sirius had visited him in the dead of night. In a fit of defensive rage, his future godfather had sought to justify his harrowing attack on Severus by insisting that the Slytherin was a danger to Lily. And in the midst of his rambling explanation he had mentioned a potion... a potion Severus was attempting to invent for himself and...
"Lily," Harry repeated, still feeling dazed, his mind flustered, pounding heartbeats speeding up beneath his ribcage. A flicker of something like jealousy flared white hot inside him, his stomach flipping over, churning uncomfortably as he took a step back from Severus. "You… you were trying to make this potion… for her… weren't you? And then I came along and..."
Ebony eyes, filled with panic, widened, Severus' pale skin whitening as he released Harry's hands, long fingers trembling as they withdrew. "Who told you this?" he whispered shakily.
"Sirius," Harry blurted out before he could stop himself. "He said that he overheard you telling Lily about a potion you were creating for the both of you. He… he said he thought it might be some kind of… love potion."
The panic, so evident in those black pools a mere second ago vanished, unmistakable fury taking its place.
"Oh… Black told you this, did he?" Severus hissed, eyes narrowing and blazing with anger, "Told you I was out to seduce Lily? And you believed him?"
Harry was immediately taken aback, flashes of his doomed Occlumency lessons with the adult Professor Snape from what felt like a lifetime ago blazing across his mind, causing his mounting trepidation to spiral to new heights. He took another uneasy step back.
"No… I… I mean, I didn't… b-but…" he stammered, desperate to clear his confused thoughts. His own panic and fear was surging now, choking him into unwilling silence.
"I see…." Severus murmured. The anger edging his voice a moment ago had dissipated and Harry's heart clenched at the look of sorrow and defeat in those dark eyes. "So this is why you risked your life to save Black in Hogsmeade? You love him, don't you? He's your lover in the future. Isn't he?"
"What?! No! No, Severus… God, no!" Harry, his senses finally returning to him, stepped forward and gripped Severus' shoulders, pulling him into his arms and holding him tightly.
Severus was stiff and tense in his arms, long fingers clutching Harry's t-shirt at the sides of his waist in a show of guarded resistance, but Harry could feel the sigh of hesitant relief brushing against the skin of his neck as Severus buried his face there.
Placing his lips to the shell of one delicate ear, Harry whispered the words that were flooding his heart, allowing them to pour out of him in a rush of raw emotion. "Severus, I am not, and have never been in love with Sirius Black. It's you that I love… only you… and it will always be you. Please believe me… please…"
"Why, then?" Severus muttered against his neck, warm breath mingling with the quiet, anguished words. "Why did you save him? You knew he attacked me… you knew…"
Pulling away to look into those sorrowful eyes, Harry placed his hands on Severus' upper arms, gripping lightly. He swallowed, his anxiety at having to once again, tell a partial truth to Severus eroding his already frayed courage. After a tense moment of heavy silence, he answered, voicing the only thing that occurred to him that was not lie, but that would not reveal the true nature of his relationship with his future godfather.
"In the future, Sirius will become important to me. We will come to care for one another… like friends… like brothers. He will watch over me… protect me when things become dangerous." Tightening his grip on Severus' arms, Harry pulled their bodies closer and continued, determined to make the other boy understand. "I will never forget what he did to you, Severus, never. It will forever color how I think of him. It has already damaged my view of him… my memory of him… but I am not willing to forget all the care and guidance he has shown me. When Avery attacked him, I… I had to help him. I just couldn't stand by and see him tortured like that. Please... please understand."
Severus' fingers relinquished their tight hold on Harry's t-shirt, his arms relaxing to hang freely at his sides. Another slow, tempered breath escaped him as his eyes lifted to meet Harry's own, relief and hope swimming in those deep pools of black.
"As for what Sirius told me about the potion…" Harry continued, uncertainty and nervousness returning to him as he once again pondered the origins of Severus' Retorquentis Potion, "I hadn't even remembered that part of my conversation with Sirius until just now. But I could never believe you capable of something like that, Severus. I know you would never try to seduce Lily with a love potion… even if you were in… in love with her at the time."
"I wasn't."
"What?"
"I wasn't in love with Lily. I… I loved her… but it wasn't like that. It wasn't romantic love. She was my best friend. My only friend."
Harry searched those soulful ebony eyes, now glistening with barely restrained tears. There was honesty there, and a wretched pain that made Harry's throat tighten with shared understanding. Fleetingly, he wondered if Severus had ever talked to anyone about Lily before – really talked – wondered if perhaps the only times he had ever divulged his feelings for the red-headed Gryffindor was right now to Gray Skye… and then twenty years from now to Harry Potter by way of a desperate outpouring of memories, misleading though those memories were. The thought caused a new wave of sadness to pool in Harry's stomach which was already tight and twisting with anxiety.
Severus lowered his gaze to stare at the small gap of floor between them, then spoke again, his eyes still downcast.
"When I first came up with the idea for this potion, I… yes, I had intended to give it to Lily… and myself," he admitted, his voice hushed and tremulous. Ebony eyes then snapped up and locked with grey ones, showing a silent desperation as he continued. "But it wasn't the same potion then, Gray. Its link wasn't based on soul love. It was based on friendship and trust. I only wished to link with Lily so that she could finally see… or rather feel… how sorry I was… how much I regretted what I did that year… and how much I missed her…"
Once more, Severus' gaze dropped to his feet, his lower lip caught between his teeth where it was chewed and worried. He swallowed hard, released the fettered skin, then continued.
"You see, I lost her friendship at the end of fifth year. I said something to her… something terrible… something unforgivable… and she hasn't spoken to me since. I tried many times to talk to her. I begged her forgiveness, renounced my ties with my housemates and assured her that I had changed, that I was sorry… but it was no use. She wanted nothing more to do with me. I had lost her. In my heart, I think I knew all along that my efforts to win back her friendship would prove futile and that no potion would be able to reverse the damage I had caused, but I continued to work on it, refusing to admit my inevitable failure. It wasn't until Black attacked me that I finally conceded defeat. I left Lily alone after that, the potion becoming just a school research project – nothing more. That is… until I met you…"
Harry released a tense breath he had been holding, feeling that rigid apprehension loosen and abate as he drew in another breath and closed his eyes. Relief washed over him like a cool summer rain, Severus' words of affirmation insisting that he had never felt the same for Lily as he did for Harry cleansing him from some indistinct nevertheless crippling fear.
He had but a few seconds to revel in the glow of this new found solace, before Severus reached out and grabbed Harry's shoulders, pulling him close, eyes penetrating him with in an intense, heated gaze.
"Gray, I swear to you… this potion has nothing to do with Lily. Not anymore. Its link is designed differently. It will only respond to a deep, pure, enduring love – a soul love – one that is all-encompassing, boundless and eternal. It could only work with you…" The last few words were whispered against Harry's lips as Severus drew closer.
"Only you," Severus repeated. He closed his arms around Harry, gripping possessively, soft and warm lips edging closer to press a gentle kiss to Harry's own.
Spurred on by Severus' touch and by his openness, Harry pushed forward, deepening the kiss, his hands coming up to slide through the boy's soft locks. His heart jumped and then raced as Severus' tongue explored his mouth, sliding along his own with need and want, their lips locked in a passionate release of emotional desperation.
At length, Harry pulled away, needing to breathe and to collect his whirling thoughts. "So, this potion… you mentioned that it will connect us emotionally," he said, his focus drifting to the bubbling potion on the workable beside them. "How? I mean… what exactly will it do to us?"
"It will seek out our love for one another and use it to establish an emotive link between us. Once that link manifests, it will be as though an open channel exists between us – one that allows our feelings to be shared. We'll be able to feel each other's every emotion and sensory perception – joy, desire, anger, fear, pain, sorrow, pleasure, love – everything. We'll be bound by our emotions, so strongly that we will be able to sense each other's presence…. perceive each other's location without the aid of sight or location spells. It is even possible for the link to allow us to see each other when we are apart and are in need of each other… glimpse one another inside our own minds in those moments when our emotions are at their most intense… most urgent and desperate."
Harry's heartbeat, which had just begun to slow, sped up once more, the concept of being connected emotionally with Severus – of being able to see him and feel him – suddenly sparking an inferno of hope to burn inside him. With wide eyes he stared at Severus, trying to settle his spinning, racing thoughts long enough to find his voice. He swallowed past the renewed tightness in his throat and choked out the question he desperately needed the answer to.
"Will I be able to find you… when I go back?"
"Yes," Severus breathed, a small sad smile curving his lips as he placed his hands on Harry's cheeks. "You'll be able to find me through the link. You'll feel me… and I'll feel you, too. I'll know the moment you've returned to me… unless…"
"Unless...?"
Severus became rigid in Harry's arms once more and his smile faded, fear edging his features. "The link is permanent and can only be broken through death… so if I–"
"You won't!" Harry cut him off with desperate words of denial, his fingers squeezing the fabric at the back of Severus' t-shirt. "You won't, Sev… you won't… and I will come back to you! I will find you!"
"Then you'll do it?" Severus pressed. "You'll take this potion with me?"
Once again Harry searched those deep pools of black and saw nothing but hope and love and truth and a blazing desire to share his heart and soul with Harry, to be one with him. That look stole his breath from his lungs, his pulse speeding up yet again. He wanted this, too – not just for the advantageous benefit of being able to find Severus upon his return to his own time, but also for the closeness, the raw intimacy the link promised. The very idea of connecting this way, through their feelings of soulful love and devotion, of feeling Severus' love for him like when he touched the silver doe, set his heart ablaze with excitement, his very soul in a state of restless yearning.
Yes, he wanted this – probably more than he had ever wanted anything before. But…
"We'll be able to feel each other…" Harry muttered under his breath, parroting Severus' words from earlier. His gaze drifted to the potion again while his mind jammed, a single thought echoing in his brain, prompting doubt and trepidation to chase away his previous avidity. He looked back at Severus, a new mass of despair and loss settling in his throat. "I… I'm sorry… but… I don't think we're meant to take this potion…"
"Why?" Severus breathed, a faint trill of heartbreak lacing his hushed tone.
"Remember when I told you that in the future, we don't get along?" Harry asked, his heart aching with biting regret, each word he spoke feeling like a spike to his chest. "We have known each other for quite a long time, but you didn't know that I'm Gray. You knew me as someone else and this – you and I, this visit back in time – hadn't occurred for me yet. We were not even friends, let alone lovers. I… I might not completely understand your potion, Severus, but I know that both of us didn't… didn't feel each other's emotions during that time… we didn't have this link… it wasn't there. I'm afraid we're not intended to…"
His words fizzled out into an uneasy breath as he watched a small, melancholy smile appear on those thin lips, Severus' head shaking in the negative. Long arms returned to embrace Harry as their owner leaned in and placed a tender kiss to Harry's still parted lips.
"You needn't worry about that," Severus whispered, drawing back to look deeply into bemused grey eyes. Severus' smile grew, even as Harry's confusion deepened. "You said it yourself, Gray, this leap back in time had not happened for you yet."
"Yes. I did say that but–"
"The reason you never felt me during that time is simple; you hadn't taken the linking potion yet. Therefore the link, as far as you were concerned, did not exist. As for me…"
Severus winced slightly, his smile fading, a glint of pain flickering in his dark eyes.
"After you leave, I will still feel you, just not in the same manner as before. Our link will not completely dissolve as its magic will be sentient enough to perceive your continued existence but not powerful enough to reach you through time. So until you return, the link will linger within me as a severed connection, becoming one-sided; I will feel you, but it will seem more like an echo of you or a distant, recurrent memory of the love we once shared. The link will remain that way – in its damaged, incomplete state – until you come back to me. Only then will the link be able to locate you and return to its intended purpose. Only then will it reestablish our connection."
"So, you're saying…" Harry began, then paused, his voice cracking and dying in his throat. He took a deep breath and forced himself to continue, determined to understand despite the tendrils of cold, hollow dread wrapping themselves around his clenching heart. "You're saying that... that you'll still feel me, but you won't be able to connect with me ...and… and that the whole time I'm gone, you'll be living with the ghost of what remains of our severed bond while you wait for me to return?"
Severus swallowed, then nodded.
"No."
"Gray…"
"No! We are not doing this!" Harry argued, voice rising in volume. Those twisting cords of dread were now winding their way further around his heart, tightening their stifling grip. Every fiber of Harry's being screamed in desperate defiance of what sounded like nothing short of emotional torture – a soul-deep, heart-rending torture that would stay with Severus for… for...
My God... twenty years!
Twenty years of Severus harboring the mere shell of their shattered union… twenty years of him feeling the echo of what was once a deep, soulful love bond… of sensing the withering embers of Gray Skye's love, but feeling no reciprocation… no requital… nothing in return but a haunting projection of the distant past and an achingly painful, just out-of-reach promise of divined reconnection...
No!
"Gray, please…"
"No… no… I won't put you through that! I can't let you suffer that kind of pain, Severus!"
Harry drew in another deep breath and let it out slowly, forcing himself to adopt some measure of calm. Lowering his hands from where they were resting on Severus' chest, he grabbed the boy's trembling ones and laced their fingers, squeezing gently.
"I don't think you understand, Severus," he continued, his tone softer now, quavering and tremulous. "It's going to be a long time. I… I'm going to be away from you for… for a very long time… and I can't let you go through this, Severus. I can't. It's too much. It will make your pain so much worse!"
Severus shook his head, thin lips firming as they pressed together with staunch resolve. "I don't care how long it takes or how much pain it causes me. I need this, Gray! Please… I need this. I need a way to feel you… a way to hold on to you. And I need to know that I'll be able to feel you once you return. I want that assurance… I need that promise, that hope…"
Severus wrested his hands free from Harry's grasp and took hold of his face. Lunging forward, he crushed their lips together, injecting a slew of fractured utterances amid desperate kisses. "I need this… Gray, please… I love you so much… please, I need this… need to feel you… I won't survive without some part of you..."
Harry felt as though his heart was bleeding out into his chest, his steely resolve beginning to splinter as Severus' final plea echoed inside his stricken mind, contrasting with his own inner voice that was now whispering words of cruel cognition... words that hinted at one final, gut-wrenching realization of devastating truth…
This was the reason.
"I won't survive without some part of you…"
This was how Severus Snape became a broken man – the impetus that changed this gentle, emotive teenage boy into a man consumed by anger and bitterness.
"I won't survive without some part of you…"
For two long decades, Severus was not just suffering the pain of a broken heart at the loss of Gray Skye; he was also enduring the agony of merely surviving – desperately clinging to the shattered remains of their wounded, incomplete soul link while he waited for Gray's prodigal return.
Could this also have been the reason for Severus' abrupt defection from the Light? His precipitous transformation from benevolent passivist to ruthless follower under Voldemort's sadistic regime?
"I won't survive without some part of you…"
Yes, Harry knew that Severus would indeed survive the twenty years between now and Nagini's fated attack. But at what cost? The faint remnants of a tattered soul link may have allowed for some hope to live within the deepest, most buried alcoves of Severus' heart, but it may also have been debilitating enough to alter his soul... his spirit... his steadfast resolve... his very path in life.
"I won't survive without some part of you…"
Harry squeezed his eyes shut and forced himself to breathe as the heartbreaking truth washed over him; they were destined to take this potion. This link was meant to happen.
Just another ripple of consequence... one more exponential wave of influence...
Tears slipped past Harry's closed lids and down his cheeks, his whole body trembling. When he finally spoke, the acquiescent words that escaped his constricting throat cut into him like physical pain, but he endured – knowing he could never deny Severus this one last request despite hating the fact that destiny concurred.
"Shhh… It's OK… I'll do it. I'll take the potion. I love you… God, Severus, I love you so much."
For several long moments, neither of them moved. They stayed locked within the protective cocoon of their needy embrace, their warm breaths mingling and the lips barely touching, hands clenching and tightening to ensure their closeness.
At length, Severus pulled away, sweeping the back of his hand across his teary eyes before turning toward the potion worktable. With just the slightest quiver to that same hand, the short silver dagger was picked up, its blade placed to the very end of one long finger. A fraction of a second later, the blade's sharp tip was pressed into soft flesh, a crimson drop of blood appearing as it was pulled away.
Without a word, Severus raised his cut finger over the potion and milked several vivid red drops from the wound, each one hitting the surface of the liquid with a quiet hiss. Then he turned to Harry, an anxious look etched on those pale features.
"I'll heal it for you as soon as your blood is added, and I have a pain-relieving potion if you need it," Severus assured him as he reached out and took Harry's right hand in his own.
"Go ahead," Harry urged. "I'll be fine. I trust you."
Harry watched as Severus placed the silver blade point to his fingertip and pulled back with a quick, sharp movement, wincing as the pain seared at his raw nerves. As expected, waves of intense pain pulsed through him and he gritted his teeth against the onslaught of discomfort. Closing his eyes and forcing himself to draw in a deep breath, he felt rather than saw Severus guide his finger over the cauldron and squeeze the blood from his puncture wound. His pain lessened a moment later when Severus placed the tip of his wand to the cut and murmured a healing charm – vanishing completely once a vial of pain-relieving potion was placed to his lips and Severus urged him to drink. Only then did Harry open his eyes and lower his gaze to study the effects of their additions.
Grey eyes widened at the sight. The potion was no longer semi-translucent. It was now a splendid gold color, shimmering and bright, its luster almost blinding, giving it the look of shined metal. Even more astonishing than its dramatic color change were the patterns of rings forming at the very center of the potion, each one starting small and then enlarging as it radiated out from the middle like an undulating ripple, sentient and lifelike, brimming with latent energy and power.
"No beginning and no end, yet intuitive of the journey there… and back again…"
"What…?" Harry breathed, Severus' words startling him. His mind frantically searched his memory for the last time he had heard those exact series of words and then ground to a panicked halt of astonished realization.
The dream!
"The potion rings," Severus clarified, oblivious to Harry's state of shock, his dark gaze still fixed on the gleaming gold potion, "it's almost as though the circles represent our love. You know... infinite… timeless… like a circle… no beginning and no end."
Harry bit his lower lip to cease the quiver he felt in his heart after hearing Severus' prophetic words, his mind unable to prevent those cryptic dream images from invading his thoughts – the lustrous ring of gold and its harrowing transformation into a pool of blood. He closed his eyes again and breathed deeply, willing the unwelcome recollections to recede.
When he opened them once more, he was surprised to find that same feeling of peace he had felt while standing on the dock with Severus returning to him, a rush of impalpable awareness and otherworldly faith permeating his soul and filling his heart. It felt as though destiny itself was pointing him now – guiding him further into the inevitable and away from the burden of the unknown.
All at once, his fear drained from him, falling away and leaving only love and need and limitless trust in its wake.
Spurred on by the almost spiritual feeling of calm, Harry reached for one of the empty vials. He picked up the small ladle beside the cauldron, dipped the scoop into the golden liquid and then poured it into the glass vessel, filling it to the very brim.
Severus mirrored him, filling the other vial with the linking potion while Harry waited with bated breath, his own vial held tightly in his hand.
"You're sure," Severus whispered.
"Yes."
And he was. Completely and unequivocally sure. Somehow, despite the inevitability of tomorrow's pain and the looming promise of grief and loss and heartache that was destined to befall his love, Harry felt more certain of this decision than any other that had ever come before it. Nothing had ever seemed so inexplicably clear… so serendipitous and freeing… so right.
"Yes," he repeated, releasing a slow, measured breath. With a steady hand, he placed the glass vial to his lips, watching as Severus did the same, and then drank its contents in one gulp.
The potion was insipid, devoid of any distinguishable flavor, but it was warm and soothing on his tongue. The instant he swallowed it however, that warmth transformed into a fiery heat. With relentless tenacity, that fervent heat roiled and bellied inside him, spreading out from his very core and moving through him like lightning-fast jolts of electricity.
Harry clamped his eyes shut and doubled over, taking huge drags of air into his burning lungs as a slow creep of apprehension swelled inside him. He grasped the edge of the worktable for purchase, the empty vial falling from his slackened grip with a muffled clinking of fragile glass on hardwood. His mind was racing and spinning, that incipient apprehension giving way to all-out panic as the aggressive potion continued to inhibit him, control him, sear him from the inside out.
Severus reached out and seized Harry's forearm, pulling him into a tight embrace, the swift change of position making Harry gasp in surprise. At Severus' touch however, the scorching heat dissolved, draining from him in an instant, leaving only a mild, tingling sensation and a trace of subtle warmth.
"Can you feel me?" Severus breathed against Harry's mouth, still parted and panting.
"I-I… I'm not… sure…" Harry stammered amid heaving, shallow breaths, but the instant the stuttered words left him, his uncertainty gave way to conviction.
A massive rush of emotion flooded him, permeating every part of his mind and body, his heart almost bursting from the sheer power of the raw, unrestrained outpouring. It coursed through his veins and pervaded his skin, shooting down the length of his limbs and engulfing his chest and lungs. He trembled within Severus' tight embrace as his own emotions seemed to fuse with the onrush, melding with the emotive additions like dripping paint mixing on canvas, swirling tendrils of feelings and desires twisting together and becoming one.
Gasping, Harry clamped his eyelids together, his fingernails digging into the soft flesh of Severus' forearms. His heart was pounding and his legs were shaking, feeling as though they might give way at any moment.
Then, as quickly as it began, the surging frenzy settled, leaving behind a placid stillness, warm and soothing and tempered. Like a mid-summer twilight, that stillness emanated a pervasion of dim sultry heat – a slow, quiet warmth fostering a dynamic, raw energy concealed beneath layers of restless inertia. The energy pulsed within Harry like the beat of a spirited heart, steady and strong, pure passion and steely resolve thrumming inside him with each and every echoed pulsation, a wild, barely-restrained cadence of raw emotion...
Love. Severus' love.
It was exhilarating... breathtaking... and it felt so different than before – powerful and real, unadulterated and flawless. The magicked echo of Severus' soulful love in the form of his doe Patronus, though intense and beautiful and wholly intoxicating, was a pale imitation to this.
This was the real thing. This was Severus' love in its truest form… undying, impenetrable and boundless... a love existing for only one other soul – Harry – and now Harry could feel it too.
"Oh God... y-yes... yes, I feel you," he whispered against those soft lips that trembled as they touched his own. "Can you feel me, too?"
"Yes. I can feel you... I can feel your love," Severus quavered in a warm rush of shaky breath before pushing forward and claiming Harry's mouth in a fiery, passionate kiss.
The instant Severus' eager tongue delved into Harry's mouth, sweeping along his teeth and curling into the roof of his mouth, Harry felt the now familiar surge of heightened sensitivity envelop him. Intense waves of deep arousal and pleasure exploded from the press and slide of their hungry lips and tongues and raced down his spine. The vigorous sensations flew through every part of him in tight, sharp ripples before settling in his abdomen and lower, where it pooled and churned, bringing instant firmness to his awakening length.
"Ahhh... Oh... Oh God, Gray..."
Severus withdrew from their kiss, breathing hard against Harry's wet lips, eyes closed and jaw slack.
Harry watched the pale features with growing excitement, seeing them twist into an expression of mindless bliss and desire and knowing exactly why; Severus was feeling Harry's pleasure through their link, the intensity of his own overstimulated nerves causing his acute pleasure to kindle the same blazing arousal within the boy currently gripping him with trembling hands.
Arousal.
"Fuck..." Severus murmured, his forehead dropping to rest on Harry's shoulder, face turning into Harry's neck where his hot, heavy breaths brushed against the sensitive skin. A long moment elapsed in near silence, the only sounds their ragged breathing. Severus' fingers tensed and twisted in the fabric of Harry's t-shirt, his desperate grip tightening and then loosening every few seconds as wave after wave of escalating bliss continued to course through both of them.
Eventually the fervent rush receded and Severus lifted his head, his eyes piercing Harry with a blazing, penetrative look, needy and wanting, desperate and aching. That amorous look was followed by a reciprocal rush of desire that raced through Harry like wildfire, making his knees buckle slightly, sudden weakness seizing him. His breath hitched, catching in his throat, his heart thundering in his chest as that potent desire – Severus' desire – joined with his own mounting need and longing.
Desire.
"Come with me," Severus whispered, his tone breathy and tremulous, words laced with anticipation. Grabbing Harry's hand, he turned around, leading them away from the potion worktable and over to the opposite corner of the room. When he reached the bed, he stopped and pulled Harry close to him, dark eyes locking with grey ones.
Once more, Harry found himself breathless as he looked deeply into those tenebrous eyes and felt the rhythmic pulsing of their joined emotions. They flared and swelled within him, their intensity almost too much, shared love and escalating arousal driving him to heights of dizzying carnal madness.
"Severus..." he whispered in a shaky release of breath. He placed his hands on the thin face whose cheeks were now flushed and warm, a feverish heat to the soft skin.
Yes, Gray... what do you want? What do you need?" Chest heaving and eyes fiery with hunger, Severus moved closer, wrapping his arms around Harry's waist, coaxing their bodies to press together. Their hips collided, prompting their erections to brush and Severus let out a guttural groan that prompted sparks of electricity to speed through Harry's taut, clenching muscles.
"Oh shit... need you... so much... need you, Severus... please," Harry panted, his breathing labored and harsh.
In a flash of blurred colors and spiraling sensations, Harry was spun around and thrown to the bed, his back pressed into the mattress as Severus climbed on top of him and latched onto his mouth. That strong tongue drove in and ravished Harry, twining with his own eager tongue and thrusting in and out of his mouth. The aggressive move had both of them pulling away in a matter of seconds, clinging to each other and gasping for air, arousal ripping through them like jolts of lightning, fast and sharp.
"We... we need to slow down..." Severus huffed against his neck. "I can't... Christ, Gray!… I can't take too much more..."
"Mmhm," Harry murmured, folding his arms around the body mantling him, rolling them over so that he was now lying on top of Severus. "Yeah... slow... let's go slow."
Pressing his lips to those soft, thin ones once again, Harry obeyed the request, kissing Severus with torturous slowness, his lips soft and tentative as they pressed forward, his tongue leisurely sliding along Severus', exploring, touching, caressing. Their frantic breathing evened out and deepened, their hearts beating in tandem, strong and in time, bodies melding and limbs entwined.
Severus' love pulsed within Harry like an incendiary flame – eager, spirited, yearning and wanting.
Harry's hands slid down Severus chest and along his slim sides to grasp the edges of his shirt. He pulled the fabric up at a slow pace, his palms trailing twin paths along the warm, feverish skin. When the bunched up fabric revealed Severus' chest, Harry withdrew from the boy's mouth and lowered himself to kiss the newly exposed skin, placing wet open-mouthed kisses across every inch of the smooth, lean surface. His indiscriminate affections became more careful and meticulous when he met with a taut nipple, puckered and erect. He closed his mouth on the tight bud and sucked, his hands gripping Severus' sides.
"Mmmm... Gray... Oh…!"
Arching his back, Severus' whole body clenched and stiffened, his rocking hips causing his rock hard erection to dig into Harry's stomach.
Harry released his dominated prize and lunged at its twin, drawing it into his mouth.
Severus bucked his hips again, this time with more vigor, sending a jolt of intense pleasure to shoot through Harry through their link.
Gasping for breath, Harry pushed himself upright, weight on his knees as he straddled Severus, his hands gripping those slender sides while his own head fell back, ripples of euphoric sensations gripping him, immobilizing him.
As if spurred on by Harry's reactions, Severus bolted upright as well, prompting Harry to slide off those narrow hips and sit back on his arse. Severus grasped the pushed-up fabric of his own t-shirt and pulled it over his head before moving on to Harry's clothing, eager hands yanking off his shirt in one quick motion and then lowering to tend to the waistband of his trousers. With swift deliberation, Severus unclasped the button and took down the zipper, sliding the loose material down Harry's lifted thighs and past his knees and ankles. He divested him of his shoes and socks as well, then returned to Harry's waist to remove his boxers, exposing his hard, weeping length at last.
Releasing a ragged breath, Harry reached out to remove Severus' remaining clothing but was denied the chance when those same eager hands gripped the sides of his face and pulled him close for another slow, intoxicating kiss.
"Not yet, Gray," Severus whispered against Harry's mouth, "...not yet."
Again, Harry was maneuvered to lie back on the bed with Severus on top of him, their mouths locked and tongues engaged in a slow, sensual dance. After several blissful moments, that hot, wet mouth left Harry's to trail a tingling path of hungry kisses down his throat and along his collarbone, then further down – across his chest where those sinful lips lingered on his own sensitive nipples before grazing the smooth, quivering skin on his stomach in a tantalizingly teasing caress of wet, gentle touches.
Harry squeezed his eyelids shut, his body trembling through Severus' ministrations. Every inch of him was wracked with relentless lurches of pulsing pleasure, hot and tight and exquisitely intense. He writhed beneath that wandering mouth and wriggled against the teasing slide of wet lips, jerking and twitching each time a jolt of arousal raced through him. He was certain that Severus was experiencing that same intense pleasure through their link as the boy ground his hips against the mattress after every one of their shared undulations of bliss, those lean muscles tensing and a flurry of throaty moans seeping from those insatiable lips.
Harry's eyes flew open at the sensation of long fingers trailing down his abdomen and then wrapping around the base of his leaking member, a hot breath blown across the slick, sensitive skin not a second later. Before Harry could utter another word – before a single labored, taut breath could escape his gaping mouth – those irresistible thin lips were pressed against the very tip of his erection and that strong tongue emerged to swirl around the sensitive head.
"Severus! Fuck..." Harry hissed, his grasp on reality swiftly fading as Severus' wet lips parted to draw him in – his sinful tongue continuing to twirl and tease in slow, wet circles at the very tip. "S-Sev... Shit!... I... I'm not going to last much longer if you keep... Oh God!"
Harry's hoarse, breathy utterances were soon reduced to incoherent mewls and whines as he watched Severus' mouth widen further and sink down onto his hard length. The exquisite sensation of suction followed the slick descent and Harry threw his head back and to the side, teeth biting down on his pillow and toes curling around the bunched up sheet at the bottom of the bed. When Severus' jaw lifted – those flushed lips sliding back up to taste and suck and lick at the now pulsing head of his erection – Harry felt the familiar coiling and constricting of sharp arousal in his abdomen, intense pleasure pulled taut, ready to explode at any second.
"Sev! I... I... I'm going to... I..." Harry panted in warning, his words barely discernible among his frantic breaths.
That intoxicating, wet mouth left his hard flesh a split second later, only to reemerge pressed against his gasping mouth. Severus' hand took the place of that eager tongue and those talented lips, long fingers wrapping themselves around Harry's erection and stroking him hard and fast.
"Come for me, Gray," Severus whispered, flooding Harry's mouth with a rush of warm, heady breath. "Come for me. I want to feel you come."
At Severus' erotic words, that coil of tightly wound pleasure unleashed its bridled rapture, Harry's climax tearing through him like an inferno of feral bliss, wave after wave of potent, mind-blowing ecstasy. He trembled, muscles spasming and heart thundering, while thick ribbons of pearly white fluid erupted from his hard length, marking his bare stomach and Severus' gripping fingers.
Severus stiffened beside Harry. The long fingers of his left hand, which were twisted around locks of Harry's sweat-dampened hair, tightened, his other hand giving a reactive squeeze to Harry's pulsing member.
Lost in a haze of carnal rhapsody, Harry could barely discern the euphoric cry that met his ears. His post-coital brain had only just managed to register that the cry of pleasure was Severus' and not his own, when another intense surge of mind-numbing bliss shot through him – just as strong as the first – causing him to shudder and shake wildly, muscles tensing and toes curling, his back arching up off the mattress.
Pleasure.
For a long time, they neither spoke nor moved, their sexual release shared through their link somehow reducing them to a state of physical debility and muddled cognizance. They breathed shakily and erratically with their lips touching. Chests heaving and hearts pounding, they gazed into each other's eyes, grey into fathomless black, and in that unfettered moment of drifting time, Harry's gaze seemed to reach further and deeper than ever before – far beyond those unguarded ebony orbs and into the deepest recesses of his soul. And he saw Severus. Really saw him. All of him – in a way that could only have been engendered though their link. He saw and felt Severus' longing for love and understanding, his yearning for honesty and trust and abiding devotion, his aching for him... for Gray... forever... always.
That pulse of love within Harry flared anew inside his heart, enveloping him with that same transcendent calm that had touched him with a mere sliver of its strength earlier. Now it was whole and pervasive, an all-encompassing flow of tranquil faith and trust and hope washing over him, demolishing every fear and anxiety and filling him with a quiet, harmonious placidity.
Peace.
"Severus," Harry whispered, his eyes still searching the dark, unwavering gaze, hands coming up to cup those flushed cheeks, "I love you. I will always love you."
"I know, Gray... and I will always love you, too."
"Severus..." Harry breathed again, pausing to once more revel in the feel of that steady pulse of love – Severus' boundless love – blazing inside his heart and soul. He exhaled a slow, steady breath and pulled Severus' face closer so that their lips once again touched and their breaths could mingle and become one. Then he spoke again, a soft, whispered entreaty from the depths of his heart.
"Make love to me."
There was a slight hitch to Severus' breathing, but his eyes remained locked with Harry's. Then they disappeared under their lids as Severus inched forward, pressing his lips to Harry's once more, moving against them in a slow, loving kiss. Those thin lips caressed with breathtaking tenderness, parting only a small amount, drawing Harry's upper lip in to taste and touch and embrace, Severus' tongue sweeping along Harry's lips in a gentle graze of wet warmth.
Renewed shivers of excitement made there way through Harry's body like powerful, rhythmic waves crashing upon an ocean's shore, each one stronger, gaining momentum, heady arousal building and swelling within him. Harry's flaccid member hardened once again, its rigid state and the revival of the sensitivity there prompting him to realize that Severus' hand was still wrapped around him and still dotted with his semen.
Harry was just about to suggest a quick cleaning charm, but his voice failed him when those slender fingers unfurled themselves from his erection to caress his stomach, trailing a path through the cooling fluid of his release. His heart sped up when those now slick fingers left his stomach and reemerged on his inner thigh, gripping the clenching muscle and coaxing Harry to draw his knees upward. He obliged, lifting his legs and placing his bare feet flat on the mattress while Severus' wet fingers inched further down his thigh.
Withdrawing from their tender kiss, Severus fixed his dark gaze on Harry. His left hand, still curled around the back of Harry's neck squeezed lightly, fingers tightening their entangled grip on the damp locks.
"I... I've never done this before," Severus admitted, his voice shaky and uncertain and Harry felt a corresponding pang of nervousness and unease through their link. "I don't want to hurt you."
"It's OK... I haven't either. Just... just take it slow. I trust you, Severus. And if you cause me pain, you'll feel it too, remember? You'll know when it's... too much... and when it feels good."
Severus swallowed, his head giving a small nod as he leaned down to press another kiss to Harry's lips, this one stronger, deeper, his tongue pushing into Harry's mouth and driving eagerly around Harry's tongue.
The urgent kiss plunged Harry right back into that heightened state of blissful pleasure, waves of sensation once again surging through him. So intense was the euphoric onslaught, that he was momentarily surprised to find that Severus' slick fingers had left their position on his upper thigh to trail a wet, glistening path down to his buttocks, one tentative finger tracing his exposed cleft before focusing on his entrance, circling the tight ring of muscle several times.
"Ahhh..." Harry panted, the never-before-felt sensation of being touched there eliciting a burst of excitement to ignite inside him. He heard Severus release a growl-like moan from his throat and watched as those dark eyes disappeared beneath their lids for a moment. When they emerged once again, reconnecting with Harry's in a penetrative, amorous gaze, Harry felt a slight pressure at his entrance as that circling finger pushed gently, seeking admittance.
"Relax, Gray… relax."
Again those thin lips pushed forward, that strong tongue thrusting and tracing and sliding as Severus ravished his mouth, deepening the kiss to an almost desperate level.
Intense pleasure ripped through Harry, his body thrumming with stimulation and arousal. He spread his legs further and lifted his hips just as Severus' persistent finger applied more pressure and slipped inside. He gasped, withdrawing from their heated kiss, the sensation of Severus' finger slowly entering him nearly depriving him of his ability to breathe.
"Yes... Oh... Oh, that's... that's really good..." Harry huffed, his hips rocking slightly as Severus began to move his finger in and out in a slow, even rhythm.
Severus grunted and then let out a shaky breath, his teeth biting down on his lower lip and his eyes falling closed again while he quickened his thrusts inside Harry.
"More, Sev... more... more of you..."
A second slick finger was added, sliding in next to the first, both now plunging in and out at a quicker pace, further each time, spreading him, stretching him.
A distant part of Harry's brain registered that he should probably be experiencing some discomfort – and maybe he was – but the intense pleasure far outweighed any kind of pain at this point. He was breathing fast, his heart hammering inside his heaving chest at a furious pace, hips bucking up into those thrusting fingers.
"Need you... Severus... please..."
"Not yet."
Severus sat up. With the fingers of his right hand still buried inside Harry, he released his grasp on the now tousled mass of brown locks and gripped Harry's shoulder with his left hand, turning him to lay on his side, facing away from him.
His body pliable to Severus in every way, Harry allowed himself to be maneuvered, his mind focused only on the ecstatic sensations coursing through him and the fullness of penetration. He startled when a soft, wet, hungry kiss was placed on his exposed hip, long strands of black hair falling across the skin on his back and side, tickling him.
Harry lifted himself onto his left elbow, turning to look over his shoulder to see Severus lying on his side behind him, his lips sliding along his heated skin with teeth nipping and tongue darting out to lick and swirl around his hipbone. He stifled the urge to moan at the arousing sight, but released it in a rush of ragged breath a second later when those fingers pulled out almost all the way and then plunged back in, this time with a third finger joining the two.
"Ahhh!" Harry hissed, his teeth grinding together as a sharp, burning sensation overthrew his pleasure. When Severus' fingers immediately stilled inside him and then began to withdraw, Harry squeezed his body in protest.
"No. No, just... Severus... just give me a second..." he pleaded.
Severus slithered up to lay flush against him, his chest pressed up against Harry's back, his lips now feathering tender kisses on his shoulder. The fingers of his right hand were motionless, but still buried deep inside Harry.
"I don't want to hurt you," he whispered.
"You won't," Harry promised, "Try again... slowly..."
Severus withdrew his fingers with meticulous deliberation and then gradually sank them back into Harry's tight heat, his fingers curling a small amount at the very end of the careful thrust.
"OH! Oh fuck... yes... Oh fuck..." Harry's whole body jerked and trembled as those long fingers brushed against something inside him, a thousand jolts of pleasure tearing through him, stealing his breath and causing his head to fall back onto Severus' shoulder. He felt almost boneless... weak with euphoria... his mind spinning with sharp arousal.
Severus did not wait for a specific verbal cue to intensify his efforts. He began to thrust into Harry at a feverish pace, angling his curved fingers at each inward jab, hitting that same glorious spot and extending their shared pleasure.
"Ohh! Severus... please... I need you. I need you inside me... please."
That exquisite feeling of fullness faded as those thrusting fingers pulled out. Harry propped himself up once more and turned his head, watching as Severus sat up on his knees and fumbled with the waistband of his own shorts. Those same careful, pleasure-giving fingers shook as they pried open the top button and pulled down the zipper, hurriedly sliding the material down past slender hips and the porcelain skin of his thighs and knees. Half-lidded grey eyes then shot back up to gaze at Severus' fully erect member, already slicked with semen from his earlier release.
Severus crawled back over to Harry, resuming his earlier position on his side with his chest flush against Harry's back. He slid his left arm underneath Harry and pulled him closer, his right hand finding its way to Harry's entrance again.
The return of those slick fingertips to his clenching ring of muscle had Harry breathing heavily again, anticipation flooding him. Three fingers once again thrust into him – once, twice, three times – before receding again. They lingered at Harry's entrance for just a moment longer before being replaced by the blunt, slick head of Severus' erection.
Harry held his breath, his hands clutching the slender arm wrapped around his chest as Severus pushed forward with painstaking slowness, the soft, wet skin of his length rubbing, caressing, coaxing... pressing into Harry's spasming entrance.
Pleasure was once again tightening and coiling inside Harry's abdomen, prompting his body to relinquish all resistance, his muscles relaxing, tension fading away as he surrendered to the mind-blowing sensation. A muffled groan escaped his pursed lips as the head of Severus' hard length slipped inside him, the intrusion causing several intense jabs of pain to course through his whole body. He winced and sucked in a sharp breath, tightening his grip on Severus' arm to anchor himself.
"Should I stop?" Severus breathed against his ear.
"No." A few tears gathered in Harry's eyes, but he blinked hard and breathed through the pain, trying to will it away.
"Touch yourself, Gray," Severus commanded breathily. "Stroke yourself... make me feel it... make us both feel it."
A trill of excitement swept through Harry at the mere thought of masturbating in order to give Severus as well as himself carnal pleasure. He immediately took himself in hand, squeezing his half-hard length and then pumping the sensitive skin with tight even strokes, coaxing it back to rigidity as Severus slowly pushed his own length deeper into him.
Harry's pace increased, mirroring the frantic speed of both their shallow breaths and racing hearts. Pleasure was now completely overtaking the burn of penetration as Severus sheathed himself all the way inside Harry.
"Move, Severus... please... move..." Harry called out as he released his own erection and once again grasped onto Severus' arm, wanting to feel nothing but the exquisite sensation of Severus filling him, moving inside him, completing him.
Severus' right arm swung around and wrapped itself around Harry's chest, embracing him fully, clutching him to his body as he circled his hips experimentally.
The rocking motion caused another blast of acute bliss to spill over Harry's senses, his nerves ablaze with raw, wild ecstasy. Before he could even moan or gasp or tremble with the overwhelming sensation, Severus pulled all the way out of him and thrust back in, sending his already sharp arousal skyrocketing.
"Yes! Sev... more..."
Another quick withdrawal and strong thrust in, and then another. And another. Harry dug his nails into Severus' arms as he held on with clenching fingers. His breathing was taut and fettered, each shallow breath released with an audible cry of uncontrolled delirium. His body shook, muscles straining, his legs spreading and hips pushing back to meet every powerful thrust.
Harry was so close now... so damned close to heaven… or paradise… or some kind of ultimate, idyllic utopia of physical bliss. He closed his eyes, concentrating on the beautiful sounds of Severus losing swift control behind him – grunting cries of wild pleasure in his ear and hot, trembling breaths of exertion. He could feel that tight coil inside him tensing even further, pulsing and palpitating with want and longing for rampant release. Just knowing that Severus was feeling everything he was, that they were sharing all of this pleasure, experiencing this rapture together made everything – all of it – so much more intense and breathtaking and mind-blowing… an intimate, soulful enlightenment of mind, body and soul.
Then Severus pulled out of him abruptly, grabbing his shoulders and pushing him down to lay on his back. He knelt between Harry's legs a second later, grasping Harry's ankles and placing them around the back of his waist. Lowering himself, Severus placed his lips to Harry's panting mouth and kissed him, fiercely at first, wild and with abandon. At length however, the kiss slowed into an unhurried passionate caress of lips and tongues and hot, quickened breath.
Harry felt the tip of Severus' erection nudging at his twitching entrance and he arched his back, lifting his hips to allow their renewed joining. His breath caught inside his quivering lungs at the feeling of Severus' hard length once again filling him, slower this time, one long drawn-out, exquisite slide of wet, heated flesh. His heart stuttered, fluttering madly inside his chest as an overpowering sensation of utter fulfillment and completeness consumed him, warming his soul and his spirit, and suffusing his once troubled mind with a profusion of powerful, beautiful emotions and ideas – a torrential whirlwind of love and hope and dreams of a lifetime bereft of the burden of death or pain or time.
Severus kissed him again, his hips rocking backward and then forward again. Slowly. Sensually. Lovingly.
Harry felt that taut bundle of pleasure start to quiver within him, waves of sensation intensifying and then receding deep into his core. He tightened his leg lock on Severus' waist, pulling him closer, forcing him deeper inside of him, wanting... no… needing more of Severus... all of Severus. When another powerful rush of arousal and love and acute pleasure rolled through him like a tidal wave, Harry knew he was seconds away from release – knew that they were seconds away for he could feel Severus' pleasure too, thundering through him like a runaway train at full speed.
Withdrawing from their long, sensual kiss, Harry placed his hands on Severus' cheeks, his fingertips buried in tousled, ebony hair and thumbs gripping the angular cheekbones. Their eyes locked again and their languid thrusting ceased as they stared deeply into each other's eyes, breathing hard, both teetering on the edge of release.
In that infinitesimal sliver of time, that constant flame and pulse of love within Harry expanded to a blazing, roaring fire of eternal love, a flood of emotion washing over him in a sweet release far more intense than any pinnacle of sexual deliverance. His soul was floating on a sea of raw, beautiful... almost spiritual awareness... and he knew... knew this was his destiny all along.
Yes, he would forever be known as the Boy-Who-Lived – the boy who fulfilled his destiny by killing Voldemort. Yes, the title of 'Savior of the Wizarding World' would follow him around for the rest of his life. But Harry knew now that this... this was his true fate... his heart's path… his soul's transcendent endeavor. This love for Severus was everything… everything...
His home. His heart. His soul. Everything.
Forever.
Always.
Love.
With the truth of his destiny laid before him in one glorious instant, a lone tear spilled from the corner of Harry's eye and slid down his heated cheek. He ignored it, tightening his hold on Severus, legs pulling the boy even closer, his inner muscles clenching around that hard length as he rocked his hips forward and up.
"Gray! Oh Gray..."
An unfathomable onrush of sharp pleasure and unparalleled ecstasy exploded inside Harry as his orgasm tore through him, his whole body stiffening and clenching through wave after wave of intense, mind-blowing rapture. Holding onto Severus with arms and legs that trembled, he kept himself still as Severus released himself deep inside him, pulsing warmth filling him in rhythmic thrusts. Their bodies remained locked in a desperate embrace, hearts pounding madly in their shared bliss and forgotten breaths held captive in their quivering lungs.
While still immobilized within the throes of their shared physical pleasure, a second wave of powerful sensations engulfed Harry, racing through the both of them via their open connection. This one was like an unleashing of mind, heart and soul – an emotive storm of raw, intense feelings and passion that rippled and rolled through each of them in heavy undulations, engulfing them in a torrential outpouring of boundless love and undying devotion, the intensity of which left them gasping for breath and clinging to one another with renewed fervor.
Severus held Harry close through the ebbing pulses of their mutual climax and their shared emotional release, his quaking body curled into and around Harry's shuddering form with arms encircling his back, skin hot and dripping with perspiration, his every breath labored and tight. Finally, he dropped his head to lay it on Harry's shoulder, sweat-dampened ebony hair splayed out on Harry's chest and neck as he allowed his weight to fall onto Harry, be supported by him.
Several minutes passed, each new moment the easy, tranquil replica of the one before, as if time had allowed them some small pardon from its relentless forward impetus. Neither one of them moved a muscle or voiced another breathy utterance. Silence pervaded the bed... the cottage... their cottage... their home... a peaceful, encompassing quiet interrupted only by the sounds of their erratic breathing becoming slower, waning to a soft, even cadence of deep, satisfied draws. They maintained their embrace, arms wrapped around one another and legs entwined, hearts beating in tandem.
"I love you," Severus breathed against Harry's neck. His whispered words, slurred and tremulous from exhaustion, seemed to coalesce with the blanket of peaceful quietude surrounding them, a soft susurration of warm breath and heartfelt promise. "Always, Gray… I'll always love you... forever."
"Yes," Harry whispered in response, his heart swelling with emotion as he pulled Severus closer, holding him tighter, "Our love is forever."
Reaching up, Harry placed a hand on Severus' head, threading his fingers unhurriedly through the damp strands while a tranquil flow of peace and fulfillment washed over him through their link. After a few moments, Harry's caressing fingers ceased their affectionate touch as his own exhaustion began to claim him, his body losing all its remaining tension, his eyelids starting to droop. Soon, the temptation to let go was too strong and Harry gave in, allowing his mind to drift into the hazy beginnings of a deep, enveloping slumber.
As the lingering vestiges of his fading awareness dimmed, slipping into sweet oblivion, that steady pulse of love continued to thrum inside his sated soul… strong… enduring… timeless… its rhythmic cadence like an echoing of Severus' final whispered word of infinite resolve, a resonant mantra repeating inside his slumbrous mind over and over and over again…
Forever...
Forever...
Forever...
Always.
Chapter End - TBC
A/N: Hooray… another early posting! Although, as my beta, Yen, pointed out to me, it may have actually been fitting to post this chapter on my original deadline – considering July 31st is Harry's birthday. But… I figured you'd all waited long enough!
A HUGE thank you to YenGirl for once again helping me enhance, revise and polish this beast of a chapter. It would not be the same without her assistance. Thanks, Yen! ;)
Next chapter (which will be the second-to-last one, not counting a possible epilogue) will most likely take me a good bit of time. August is my busiest month and September's no picnic either. I'm going to set a tentative deadline for September 12th, but please bear with me if I need a week or two more. As always, I will update my Bio page if I need to extend my ETA.
Please Review.