A/N: Yes, I know I'm posting a little late today! There's just one more chapter after this, so I hope you enjoy!

Chapter 9

"So this is where you are, and this is where I am,
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred."

- The Fray, Hundred

Max awoke slowly, with the blissful ignorance that only sleep could bring. She stayed like that for a few seconds, yawning deeply and wondering why she felt so exhausted. Her shark DNA rarely allowed her to experience tiredness at this level. Then the memories flashed in front of her eyes, one right after another, and she gasped and shot upright.

For a moment she was sure Berrisford still had her, that she was disfigured and burned and scarred. She was amazed by how much the idea terrified her, since she had never put much stock in her appearance before.

Then she realized that she was in her own apartment, on her own bed, and that she felt no pain. She reached up and gingerly touched her face, but her fingers met with only smooth, unblemished skin. Max cried out in relief, holding her head in her hands.

"Max?"

She looked up sharply, surprised to see Alec standing in her doorway. She suddenly felt self-conscious, lying in bed with him so close to her.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, suspicious of his presence.

Alec raised his eyebrows. "I got you away from Berrisford, remember?"

Obviously she didn't, and she was about to tell him so when the memories returned to her. Distant and so hazy they could have been a dream, but she did recall him picking her up and carrying her.

"Oh," she said, eyes looking away from him. "How long have I been sleeping?"

"A while," Alec answered, but she heard the guardedness in his voice. He almost sounded worried.

"How long, Alec?" she asked again, more insistently this time.

"Five hours, give or take," he said unwillingly, his brow furrowing. "I've been watching you to make sure you didn't have a bad reaction to the drugs. So far you've just slept."

She was surprised by his kindness, but perhaps she shouldn't have been. There had been a drastic shift in Alec over the last few days, one that she could feel even if she didn't really understand it.

"What happened?" she asked, her question encompassing everything from his terrible mood to the confrontation with Berrisford. She looked at him, but he didn't answer. His eyes held hesitancy and maybe even a touch of fear; Max couldn't be sure.

"After everything that's happened, I deserve to know," she added after a few moments of silence. "And I think it's time you talk about what's been bothering you."

"I know," he answered, eyes roaming restlessly over the room. His feet shuffled, something she found surprising, and he couldn't seem to hold completely still. "I just… I don't even know where to start."

Max had been standoffish and slightly cold to him up until this point, but she finally sighed and sat up all the way. She wasn't happy about Berrisford dragging her into this mess, but if it meant Alec would talk to her, then she supposed it was worth it.

Thankfully he hadn't changed her clothes, so she wasn't wearing anything revealing or inappropriate. Good thing, too, because she would have killed him if he had. She tried to look encouraging as she met his gaze. "Try the beginning."

Alec sighed and stepped forward slowly, like he was gauging her reaction. When she didn't yell at him, he continued until he reached her bed. He sat on it cautiously, obviously expecting her to send him away. She didn't.

"It was three years ago," Alec began slowly, and Max's stomach jolted unpleasantly. She had known this story would involve Manticore, but it was unpleasant all the same. "Manticore had caught word that Robert Berrisford knew more than he should about their operations. He was interested in gene splicing and stem-cell studies, and his research had done a lot for Manticore. He just wasn't supposed to know it."

"Manticore wasn't happy?" Max guessed, trying to gently prod him along.

"No, not at all." He paused there, like he had passed the prelude and was now onto the actual hard part of the story. "They wanted to know what he knew, and they figured the best way to do that was to send in an undercover X5."

She exhaled slowly, understanding exactly what that meant. "It was you."

He looked at her, a kind of heartbreaking resignation in his eyes. "It was me. I had just been cleared for solo missions, and I was eager to please."

She heard the disgust at himself, and she resisted the urge to rest a hand on his arm. She chose to sit quietly and wait for him to continue, rather than to coax him on.

"I was his daughter, Rachel's, piano teacher," Alec said finally, and she caught the slight tilt in his voice as he said her name. "She liked me, so they told me to… use that to get to Berrisford."

Max could almost see the story playing out in front of her. Rachel, young and unscarred, developing a crush on her charming, attractive music teacher. Robert Berrisford lingering in the background, watching his daughter with both adoration and concern. He probably worried for her heart, even though he really should have worried for her safety.

But Alec played his parts well. If Max knew nothing else about him, she knew that. Berrisford probably never had a clue.

"So I listened," Alec said bitterly, and she was accustomed enough to self-hatred to recognize it in Alec's voice. "I flirted with her and teased her, and I didn't stop it when it became more. I just didn't realize…"

Silence settled over them, and Max waited to see if he would continue. She really wanted him to, hoped he would finish the story without her having to force him. When it became clear that he wouldn't, however, she said, "You didn't realize what?"

"That it was real," Alec said quickly, like the words would be less painful if he expelled them fast. "I didn't know I loved her, not until it was too late."

Some piece of Max fragmented at that, and the unknown separation hurt. Why did his admission pain her? He was the one feeling hurt and battered and bruised, not her.

"How did she get burned, Alec?" Max asked softly, choosing not to comment on his confession. He was one of the most reclusive people she knew when it came to his emotions, almost worse than herself. She was afraid that if she probed deeper into the subject, he would back away and make an excuse to leave, and she knew he couldn't leave.

Alec's throat worked convulsively, and Max heard his guttural swallow. She wondered if he would be able to tell her, or if he would even want to. He obviously felt bad for what had happened to Max, bad enough to know that she deserved an explanation. But how far did that extend? How far would he go for penance?

"A car bomb," he said finally, and Max's busy thoughts stilled. "I set a car bomb to kill both of them. It was what Manticore wanted." Finally his hatred was directed at someone other than himself, and Max was glad for that.

"That obviously didn't work out," Max stated, thinking of how both Berrisford and Rachel, though tattered at the seams, were both intact and breathing. It occurred to her that Alec had failed. He hadn't completed the mission Manticore had assigned to him. She knew what they must have done to him for that, and her heart ached for him.

"I tried to stop it," Alec said finally, shaking his head and closing his eyes. His voice quaked. "I thought I could save them. I had a plan—I'd get them out and then tell Manticore they left in the middle of the night. But I was stupid to think Manticore wouldn't be keeping tabs on me. They detonated the bomb, and since Rachel and her father were standing next to the car when it happened, I thought they'd both died."

And that was how Rachel had been scarred. It had to be. Max closed her eyes at the sorrow that overwhelmed her. Sorrow for Alec and Rachel and even Berrisford, who had obviously been driven over the edge by what had happened to his daughter. It was a terrible situation, a terrible tragedy, and in the end it all came back to Manticore. Of course, Alec didn't see it that way, and Berrisford probably didn't, either.

"I'm so sorry," Max whispered, working the words past the knot in her throat.

"You know the worst part?" he asked thickly, sounding like he had to work for the words, too.

"All of it's awful," Max answered with a sad shake of her head.

"Yeah, but the worst part is, I hated myself for what I was feeling." Alec stood suddenly, and the bed rocked a little as it readjusted. He turned away from her, and all she could see was the tense set of his back and shoulders. "I thought I was being a bad soldier for wanting to save her. I felt guilty for loving her."

Max breathed in sharply, surprised by the confession. This was more than she had ever hoped he would say, and she wasn't sure how to respond anymore. She and Alec had never had a conversation like this, where he showed he was hurting and she offered help. It just didn't work this way. Except, for some reason, it did today.

How could she adjust to such a rapid change in their relationship? Her responses to him were usually angry, sarcastic or belittling. Rarely did they have an exchange that was actually real.

A thought occurred to her then, one that provided her with something to say even if it wasn't the comforting words she had imagined. "Did you see her? Rachel, I mean."

Every one of Alec's muscles tensed, and he clenched his jaw hard. "Yeah."

She braced herself for something terrible. "How bad was it?"

He laughed, but it was a humorless thing. "It wasn't. She forgave me."

"Then what's the problem, Alec?" Max couldn't help asking. Didn't Rachel's forgiveness soothe his conscience, even if Berrisford still hated him? After all, it was Rachel he loved. "She's scarred, yeah, but she's alive. They both are. Isn't that enough?"

He turned back to her, and she saw his turbulent emotions in his eyes. "No, because I failed."

Max stared at him in dismay, realizing the struggles he was going through. She knew he meant that he hadn't saved Rachel completely; he'd let her be burned. He had obviously wanted both Berrisford and Rachel to make it out of the situation alive, but Max wondered if there wasn't more to his distress.

Maybe somewhere deep down, he hated himself for failing his mission. Manticore had ingrained obedience so deeply in its soldiers that Max wouldn't be surprised if Alec was still feeling the effects of it.

She shook her head and looked away from him, regret filling her. How could she have thought that Alec wasn't affected by Manticore? He had always seemed so happy and carefree, and a part of her had always envied him for it. And yet, he had spent most of his life in an evil, heartless institution. She should have known he'd have scars, even if she hadn't been able to see them at first.

When she got right down to it, Alec was just as damaged as she was.

"I'm sorry," Max said quietly, because there was nothing else to say. Rachel had forgiven him, Berrisford didn't deserve the right to forgiveness, and Max hadn't condemned him for this in the first place. The only forgiveness Alec needed now was his own.

"I need to go," Alec said suddenly, glancing at her briefly before looking away again.

Max knew he would bail eventually, and she also knew there was nothing she could say to make him stay. "Okay. Just… Alec?"

He paused at the doorway and looked back at her, apprehension covering his face. Was she really that frightening? "Yeah?"

"Be careful, okay?"

His smile was barely there, but it was the realest expression she'd seen on his face in days. "I will."

And for the first time in almost a week, Max believed that maybe Alec would be alright.