Bob reluctantly went to Arnold's for Thanksgiving. It was also the one year anniversary of Olga's passing. It was hard to celebrate, Olga being gone, Miriam being "away", and Helga wondered if Thanksgiving would ever be a happy holiday for her again. But Bob picked up once they were at the Boarding House. He kept a sharp eye on Helga and Arnold. He was watching the two of them flirt. He was a little confused, thinking Helga was dating someone else.
'Hmph, must have broken up or something,' he thought. He was sitting next to Susie, and across form her husband. The man grated on Bob's nerves. He wanted to hit him. It was a good thing the whinging idiot left the table or Bob was pretty sure he would have smacked him. He could feel the disappointment coming from Susie, but said nothing.
The look on her face, the way she slumped in her chair . . . is this how Miriam looked to people outside of their marriage. He looked over to his daughter who was chatting and smiling with Arnold. At least one Pataki was happy.
...
...
Helga refused to visit Miriam, even on Christmas day. It was the first time in a long time that Bob raised his voice to her. She still refused. He left the house in a bad mood, and she spent Christmas morning and most of the afternoon alone. She didn't want to intrude on Arnold. She opened the small gift her had gotten her. It was a new journal. Helga had gotten him a bottle of cologne, Jazz, for him for Christmas. She loved the scent and she knew he wore it on special occasions.
Arnold text her asking what she was up to. She told him not much. When he invited her over, she went, not wanting to be left alone in the house for much longer. So for the most of it, Christmas was a bust.
School went along uneventfully, though there were a few more snow days. One day, while walking home from school, Gerald started asking Arnold about his and Helga's relationship. Then came the question that Arnold wasn't expecting.
"So have you two, you know, had sex yet?" Gerald asked nervously. Arnold looked at him surprised.
"Uh, no," Arnold admitted. "We're taking it slow."
"Really?" Gerald asked. "How come?"
Arnold was quiet for a moment and thought about his answer carefully.
"Emotionally, it's not a good time," he finally said. And he wasn't lying. After their talk they had decided that emotionally, Helga wasn't in a place to go that far with him. Yet. He wouldn't deny that he felt a bit of resentment towards her for it. She didn't seem to have problems losing her virginity to Torvald, but he kept that thought, and the feelings to himself. Bringing them up wouldn't be productive in any way, so for now, he kept it locked up. He kept telling himself it was just his ego.
"I don't get it," Gerald said. Arnold shrugged. "Well, Phoebe and I have been thinking about it. What do you reckon?"
"Are you serious?" Arnold asked. "None of my business."
"Are you alright, man?" Gerald asked. Arnold had been pretty sharp with his reply.
"Yeah, just . . ."
"Frustrated?" Gerald said.
"Can we not talk about this? I really don't want to," he said, stuffing his hands in his jean pockets.
...
...
"So, Gerald wants to have sex," Phoebe said suddenly. She continued stirring the batter while Helga stopped licking the spoon and just stared at her.
"Is that a good idea?" she asked.
"What do you mean?" Phoebe asked.
"Well, I mean . . . it's a big step, emotionally as well as physically."
"Have you and Arnold, you know?"
Helga took a deep breath and held it for a moment, then let it out.
"No."
"Really?" Phoebe asked, sounding shocked.
"It's not a good time," she told her best friend, looking down at the floor.
"Oh, I understand, your going through enough without that," Phoebe said, putting the bowl on the bench.
"Yeah," Helga answered, continuing to look away.
"Well, I really want to take that step with Gerald," she said. "It's kind of exciting. But I'm not looking forawrd to the pain of the first time."
"It doesn't hurt, though," Helga said involuntarily. She bit her lip for a second and hoped Phoebe didn't hear her. She didn't say anything so Helga thought she was off the hook. She helped Phoebe spoon that batter into the tins.
"Wait a minute," Phoebe said. "Do you just say it doesn't hurt? How would you know if you and Arnold haven't . . . oh my God. Did you and Torvald . . ."
Helga closed her eyes. Damn it!
"Oh, wow!" Phoebe exclaimed. "When? Did it hurt? What was it like? Does Arnold know?"
Helga turned and banged her forehead against the wall. Stupid mouth. Taking a breath, she confessed.
"Night of his cousin's wedding, no, kind of amazing, and yes, he knows," she said.
"What did he say? Did you tell him?" Phoebe asked.
"No, I didn't tell him," Helga told her. "I needed to talk to someone about it, and went to my sisters grave, because she was dead and couldn't tell anyone and me and Torvald were worried he could get in trouble due to our respective ages, and he overheard me complaining to her about stuff."
Phoebe was quiet a moment, then she frowned.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked quietly.
"Because I didn't want anyone knowing," Helga told her. "I didn't even write about it, too scared that someone might see it and tell or something."
"But I would never tell," Phoebe insisted.
"Look, it's over and done with, and now you know," Helga said, becoming annoyed. "Drop it."
"But-"
"Please, Phoebe, just don't. Don't bring it up again," Helga snapped. "Leave it."
Phoebe raised her eyebrows as Helga got off the bench and stormed out of the kitchen. Phoebe finished doing what she was doing, then went to find Helga. She found her in her room, on her bed, crying softly.
"Helga, what's wrong?" she asked, touching her shoulder. Helga shook her head and buried her face in her pillow. "Helga?"
"I don't know," Helga moaned. "I don't know what's wrong with me."
Phoebe sat back and watched her usually strong, powerful friend, lay curled up in a ball crying.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Phoebe asked. Helga shook her head. Phoebe bit her lip. What was she supposed to say and do?" "Okay, well, I'll just be downstairs, okay?"
Helga nodded, but didn't look at her, and Phoebe left her bedroom, worried sick about her.
...
...
"I think it might be depression," Phoebe told Arnold.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure she had a panic attack that night," Arnold told her.
"So what are you going to do?" Gerald asked.
"You guys will not believe what I just heard in the office," Rhonda said, coming over and sitting down next to phoebe.
"What?" Phoebe asked, intrigued.
"Well, for starters, Helga's there, sick as a dog," Rhonda said. She stared at Arnold pointedly and with s hint of accusation. "And Lila tried to off herself!"
Everyone's jaws dropped.
"Are you serious!" Gerald cried out. "Lila?"
Rhonda nodded. "That's what I heard. The Principal was talking about planning a special assembly."
"But she didn't die, did she?" Phoebe asked. "Don't they only do that sort of thing if they die?"
Rhonda shrugged. "I wasn't on the other side of that phone call. All I know is what I heard, and that was that a student had tried to commit suicide and that was after the secretary was done on the phone. And then she went into the Principal's office and I overheard them-"
"Eavesdropped you mean," Gerald pointed out. Rhonda glared his way.
"Do you mind? How rude," she said haughtily. "As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, the Principal was talking of having a special assembly."
Phoebe looked down at the table. She felt awful. Had Olga's death really affected her that much? She looked up to see Arnold was gone. Where was he?
...
...
Helga lay down on the bed. She felt cold and hot all at the same time. She could feel she had sweated a bit. She had had another . . . attack? It had happened in Math. She was feeling nauseous when she had gotten up in the morning, worrying maybe she was getting sick she briefly toyed with the idea of skipping. But after some breakfast she felt a bit better and went to school. Once she was there she started feeling . . . weird. Jittery. Like she was waiting for something or someone to attack her. She couldn't understand it. By the time she got to Math she was in near freak-out mode. Then it happened. Suddenly she couldn't breath, and the noises of the classroom were gone.
Sheena who had been sitting next to her was the one who noticed her first.
"Mr. Krayg?" she called out, putting her hand up. "I think something's wrong with Helga!"
Naturally the whole class turned around to stare at her.
"Miss Pataki, are you alright?" he asked, coming down the lines toward her. She looked up at him, panic on her face, looking like she was struggling to breath. Without thinking he helped her up out of her chair and escorted her to the nurses office. He had seen this on his daughter, not long after she had had his first grandchild. She had suffered from post-natal depression, which led on to other problems, one of which were panic and anxiety attacks. From his understanding the past year had been rough for Helga. Her sister, her mother, her boyfriend. That was a lot to lose in a short time period.
He explained to the nurse what had happened in class.
"Are you pregnant?" she demanded of Helga. Helga shook her head. The nurse made a 'yeah-right' look, and went and got a pregnancy test.
"Is that really necersary?" Mr. Krayg asked.
"Dont you have a class to take?" the nurse snapped. She handed the test to Helga and pointed at the door to the restroom. In tears Helga went in there and did what needed to be done, then handed it back to the nurse, climbing on the bed and lying down. She curled into a ball and started to shiver. The nurse frowned when the test showed negative, then looked over at the young charge. Now she felt a bit bad.
Walking over to Helga she sat down, and waited for her to get herself under some form of control.
"What's happening?" she asked. Helga explained it as best as she could. "I'm going to call your father."
"No! He's got enough on his plate, please," Helga begged, tears coming again.
"I'm sorry, but he needs to know this has happened," she told her. "Has it happened before?"
Helga nodded.
"Then you might need to see someone."
...
...
Bob came to pick Helga up.
"I made an appointement at the doctors for you," he said. Helga remained silent. "Look, I don't need another Miriam. You need some help, your going to get it. I don't need another Miriam."
"You said that already," Helga said quietly. Bob looked over at her, but said nothing.
"Why didn't you tell me this had happened before?" he demanded. "How long has this been going on?"
"I don't know!" Helga yelled.
"Hey, hey, hey, don't yell at me, Little Lady," he said. Helga looked away, a small smile coming to her face. He sounded the way he used to sound, before everything went downhill.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"You sound like your old self," Helga told him. "I kind of missed being called Little Lady."
Bob looked at her surprised. Finally he smiled too. Then laughed.
"You never were into princesses."
...
...
Arnold missed her at the nurses offices. She had already been picked up by her father. As he walked back he could hear the "Oh my God" and "Poor Lila" coming from around him. It was Phoebe and Gerald who told him what Rhonda had told them. He hadn't stuck around long enough to hear the rest of Rhonda's news.
"Oh, man," Arnold said. "Is she okay?"
They shrugged.
When the bell went and they went to their rooms, some of the teachers were grim faced. Arnold's Math teacher waited til the class was quiet.
"You may have heard that a student has had an incident involving self-harm," she started. "It's been asked that we let all students know that she is not dead."
Everyone stayed silent.
"It's very important that you all know, that if you feel like hurting yourselves, or suspect someone you know is at risk of hurting themselves or others, you can talk to our school counselor, or a teacher or other adult that you trust," she told her class. "You don't need to go through it alone. But you do need to tell someone."
...
...
Mr. Sawyer stopped by that night to talk to Bob. Helga couldn't quite hear them talking, but she did hear her father wish him luck and his best for Lila.
"What happened?" Helga asked. Bob turned to look at her, a serious look on his face.
"Sit down, girl, we need to talk."