A/N: To everyone pissed about Rachel's reaction, this is how she was before Quinn. She's reverting to her old lifestyle to get over the girl.
I know I'm going to get sooo much shit for everything that's happening, but you HAVE BEEN WARNED. Here and on my about me. :) Just trust me, guys. Everything will work itself out, and you just have to remember they're human and this story is FABERRY. Promise. Oh, also, I don't mind critics, but I do love me when someone leaves a heartwarming review telling me they like my story. So thank you to all of you who make me smile.
-TWiM
P.S.: Also, I'm using this story to shamelessly promote my new fic: If I Were A Boy. It's the one I was talking about a while earlier that was a surprise. I posted the first chapter. Read it and let me know what you think.;)
ALSO, thank you to Iza.G for reading this in advance and making me post it. :)
Chapter 2 - Heartbreak Warfare (John Mayer)
It's really cold outside and my hair is wet. I forgot a scarf and I'm starving so I stop on my way to class to get a coffee and breakfast burrito at Fred's. I'm having a terrible morning and all I need is some good food and a hot drink.
My morning gets worse as I'm leaving because I run into Rachel and... Gaea. They're holding hands but then Rachel notices me and drops Gaea's hand.
"Oh, hi." I say, startled by the surprise. I can't bear to look at them. But I can't seem to look away. "Rachel, Gaea." Those fingers now buried in her pockets belong interlaced with mine. I know I was the one who broke up with her and I know I urged her to move on.
I fucking lied.
I'm not over it at all. It's selfish of me to not be with her and not want her to be with anyone else, I know that.
Rachel tries to take a step forward as she says my name and I try to ignore my body's response to her voice saying it. "Quinn." I avoid looking at her in the eye, too hurt to do so.
Gaea speaks next, and just having her acknowledge me is making me want to punch the daylights out of her. "Hey, Quinn. We haven't spoken in a while, how have you been?"
Before I can help myself, I'm asking Rachel a question that is not my business. Through clenched teeth, the words spill out, "Why are you out with her?" I'm jealous, but I'm out of control of my words at the moment. I throw Gaea a dangerous glare, one I reserve for those I despise. She seems to cower at my look.
Rachel steps in and puts up a hand. it hovers over my chest, not close enough to touch but close enough for me to miss it. "Woah, Quinn. She's my friend. We're getting breakfast."
I can't help the skepticism that pours out, my eyebrows irking in annoyance at being lied to. I know she's lying, "So there's nothing going on between you two?"
A flash of something crosses Rachel's eyes. At this point Gaea has been forgotten and all that exists in the world is Rachel and I. She seems angry when she reminds me, "If there is, it's none of your business." I know she's right but I don't back down. Something bigger than me has taken control. Rachel's heart belongs to me. Or it did, until I gave it back to her. Or rather, threw it at her. Damn, what did I do?
"Listen, Quinn," Gaea starts, trying to placate me. I'm standing with my feet apart and fists balled next to my side. "I know this is kind of weird but -"
Even to my own ears, I sound bitter. I chuckle, "Weird? It's fucking weird! She hates you!" I remember clearly the many times Rachel was ambivalent of Gaea because she thought Gaea liked me... and now this? It just doesn't seem to make sense in my brain. "She's never liked you and now she's taking you out to breakfast?!" I search Rachel's eyes for understanding, accidentally letting my sadness show as I half-smile at her, "Yeah, okay. That's gonna last. I'm going to go now."
Before I put on my sunglasses, I linger one last look on their standing forms. They look devastated. I walk around them, trying and failing miserably not to care that my good friend betrayed me, or that my ex didn't care enough to keep away from my friend.
As soon as I find myself on the street, my feet take off. Running. Breathless and disheveled, I arrive at Britt's, hoping to find comfort in a friend who I know will always be there for me.
I knock on her door obnoxiously, tears streaming down my face. I'm angry at myself for showing Rachel how much I care. And I'm fucking pissed at Rachel for where we are now. I feel like puking.
The door opens and I faintly register brown hair before crashing into someone's arms. "Gaea, huh?" She asks me in a tone of voice that gives away she knew of this development and kept it from me to protect me. It makes me both mad and happy. I cry in her arms for the first time. This has never happened before since Santana doesn't like it, and usually neither do I. But, we'e grown closer to each other even after the breakup - she's never let her friendship with Rachel affect ours. "The bitch," she murmurs, and even without her saying it out loud, I understand she's inferring to both her best friend and her new girlfriend. Without letting me go she closes the door behind me.
"I'm sorry," I mumble. Sorry about barging in, crying, being weak, letting her go.
She shushes me, running a hand down my back, "I know. I know, she's sorry too, you know? This is how she deals..."
I'm sure she means to make me feel better but instead I flare up. "If she's sorry why did she move on?" I practically scream at her, asking for an answer I don't really want. I know why.
She detangles herself from me only enough to look me in the eyes. She holds me at arm's length and I can see she's afraid I'll run out on her. "You told her to," she whispers, almost as if in pain for me; for us. "You practically threw her at Gaea's arms. She didn't want to. She's always wanted you - from the very beginning. Gaea was a way to mend a broken heart. Maybe you should-"
"No." I interrupt her. "Don't tell me to go talk to her. I can't. It hurts to just be around her. To look into wide brown eyes that read me like a book."
"You should talk to her," she reinforces, stressing the word 'talk' and giving my arms a light, encouraging squeeze.
I don't really want to hear any of it. At this, I pull back from her and cross my arms around myself, "where's Britt?"
"She had an emergency class to taken over for one of her professors," she says, looking annoyed that I'm trying to change subjects. She crosses her arms too, and purses her lips before saying, "I know her better than anyone." Her voice is cold, in a one-eighty shift from when I got here. It's taken a protective quality - edgy, threatening, quiet. "And she is my best friend. What she's doing with Gaea is not wrong - you told her to and you're broken up. You have been for almost four months now; you can't be upset." I shift my weight, anger rising within me. I wanna yell at her, but before I can, she continues, "It's not wrong but it's fucking dumb. Everyone ends up hurt and frankly, I'm tired of seeing her hurt others and herself." We both take steadying breaths before she finishes, "So, do something. And do it fast."
It's another two days before I talk to Santana again.
Of course I was mad at her! If there's one thing I have a lot of is pride. And she took my pride, stabbed it, and twisted the knife at it.
And fuck if I say I don't know what I did wrong. I did. I should've fought for Rachel when I had the chance; when I had her; when she wanted me. I hastened in the decision of breaking up with her when I had proof from previous moments that our love was strong and it could handle anything.
I blamed Rachel of coasting through the relationship but the truth is that I was the one who quit too early. I got tired and checked out.
Not having Rachel was hard. Pretending I didn't want to talk to her, not wanted to see her? Telling her to go find someone else?! I didn't think she actually would. I'm the one supposed to fucking move on fast. She's wasn't supposed to.
Well, she did and I didn't.
Joke's on me, isn't it?
"Stop it," Santana says from across the small table in the library. Without looking up at me, she tells me, "I can hear you beating yourself over what happened. Just stop it and get your girl back."
"Isn't it too late now?" I ask. I'm self-conscious. Who says she'll want me now after all the heartache I've caused her because I'm selfish?
I have no reasoning for it. What if I only want her back now because Gaea has her and I'm upset?
No. That's not true. Rachel and I belong with each other.
Santana sighs and adjusts the black-rimmed glasses on her nose, "Q, please. I'm trying to study. I have finals coming up and so do you. I can't study with Britt because she wants to have sex all the time. I can't study with Rachel because she's been moody all the time; or she's with-" she stops herself and I look away to gain control of my emotions. "And apparently I can't study with you! I only have three friends - the Wonder Twins and Mike don't count, alright? Anyway, please, let me just work on my fucking review?"
I gulp, getting ready to apologize.
Then she says, "it's never too late, you idiot."
My plan is flawed. My plan is fucking cliche, if I've ever seen one. My plan is actually a rip-off of her plan. Except I know that she enjoys being serenaded and big romantic gestures. Before we talk, I need to give her a reason to give me another chance.
I'm fidgeting with my fingers when Sam walks into the practice room I reserved in the music building.
"Hey," he says, curious tilt to his head. "Is everything okay?"
I smile as I hand him the chords to the song. "I plan on getting my girl back. It's an ultimatum kind of song. I was wondering if you'd play it for me."
He beams and pulls the guitar around his torso, figuring out chord patterns and which sounds better which way. After a while looking it over, he nods and says, "Sure, Q. We can totally pull this off."
"There's an open Mic happening at the Union this weekend. Do you think we can be ready by then? Santana said Rachel's singing then, and so I know she'll be there."
He sits on the piano bench and strums the first chord, "Let's practice this, shall we?"
"Just so you know, I'm proud of you for doing this, Q." Britt tells me as she runs her fingers over my hair, messing it up on purpose. I'm wearing a white dress with a light red cardigan with the buttons undone over it.
I'm nervous, thinking of the lyrics again.
And yeah, I'm not sure I've forgiven Rachel one hundred per cent about Gaea and where we are, but I have fault to share. "Proud of what?" I ask, not really listening to her as I should be.
She hands me the black eyeliner and sits on the vanity, facing me. I start to apply the eyeliner, opening my mouth slightly so. Her knees are at my shoulder's height, and she keeps swinging her legs, lightly hitting my knees in rhythm.
"Proud of you going after Rachel," she says as if it's just that simple. "I think it takes guts to admit you messed up."
"Yeah," I mumble. "Am I an asshole?" I ask, after my right eye is done.
"A little, you know?" She giggles behind a hand. The other pushes some of her bangs away from those blue eyes. "But, love is greed. You gotta be a little selfish sometimes."
I purse my lips, look at Britt who's smiling at me, and then at my reflection in the mirror. "Why couldn't I have just kept her with me when I had her? Why did I have to fucking break her heart to realize I want her?"
With a sad smile she tells me, "you know, sometimes we make mistakes. You're human, babe. You got confused. It happens."
That's not necessarily what I was wanting to hear, but I'll take it.
When I come in the big room, the first person I look for is her. She has to be here, Santana said she'd be here.
"Quinn?" Someone calls out behind me.
I turn, immediately angry at the voice, and am met with someone I hadn't expected to see here.
"Gaea." I should've known.
I feel my entire body tighten. I want to punch her! How dare she come up to me! She must be insane. She's asking for a slap across her face. My jaw hurts with how hard I'm clenching it.
"Please," she puts up her hands and then smiles, "before you kill me, will you just hear me out?"
"There's nothing you have to say that I could possibly want to hear," I say and start to make my way around her. She stops me by the elbow and it takes everything in me not to end her right there.
"What's going on here?" Rachel. I whip around to see her upset brown eyes darting between Gaea's hand on my elbow and my eyes. I can see burning passion in them, but I'm not sure if it's still for me. "Let her go, Gaea." With the order, my arm is released, and the opposite hand goes to my elbow to caress it.
"I was just trying to speak to her about the situation," Gaea turns to Rachel, who grabs her hand and interlaces their fingers. It hurts. It takes my heart and it twists it. I can feel it tear. I guess Rachel had time since Sunday to make a decision about Gaea; she didn't seem so sure on Sunday.
"I don't care about what you have to say," I tell her once again and then face Rachel. "Rachel," my tone is assertive, "can we go talk?" My eyes beg her to come with me, they need her to come along. "Please."
"That's funny, Quinn," she says, lighthearted and really fucking sarcastic. "I quite recall trying to talk to you at a party early in the semester - after seranding you - and you walking away. Now I have nothing to say to you." Her eyes narrow, and the passion that was in there is gone.
Within me, rage. "You know what? Fine. Just -" Damn it. I don't want to stutter. I don't want to give in how affected I am by the turn of events. Rachel didn't wait for me. She took advice I gave her. What was I thinking, expecting a girl like Rachel to never move on from me?
"I'm sorry," Gaea tells me, looking truly apologetic. "I know you don't want to hear it but I really am. I hope we can get over this and be friends again one day."
I scoff, cross my arms, and look away. God, where's Santana when I need her? Anyone really, to get this bitch away from me before I fucking stab her. Why is she so perfect? I can't deny it that she is gorgeous, all tan skin and light eyes. She's nice, too. Sure, she's Brutus but she's got a conscience.
"Let's go take a seat," Rachel speak to Gaea's ear, softer than the tone she had been using earlier. "I'm up first, so-" Rachel seems to have trouble focusing again and then looks at me, knives in her glare. "I'll see you around."
I still can't bear to make the eye contact. I wait until Rachel takes Gaea away to their table near the front. From where I am standing, I watch in pain as they smile at each other. Gaea caresses Rachel's arms, comforting her, it seems. The touches, the looks, inside jokes, stolen kisses which were meant for me being given away to Gaea.
Forget serenading her. Maybe I should take my own advice and find someone else.
The only reason why I stayed is because Santana and Britt forced me. They're making me sing. They're making me watch Rachel sing. "Painful? I don't give a fuck. You made me sign you up and - Q, you're here! Might as well."
"Fine, whatever. But I'm changing songs. And you're singing with me," I poke an index finger into Santana's shoulder.
"Fuck no. I'm not gonna go up there with my best friend's ex and sing a song." She exchanges looks with Britt and then says, "She'd be devastated. She already knows I don't like Gaea so she's pretty pissed at that. I - I just can't, Quinn."
"Alright, I won't force you. I'm gonna go find Sam now."
Maybe switching songs on him last minute won't be the best idea I've ever had, but I can't sing the song I had intended to sing anymore. The song I sing will have to be farewell.
I find him sitting at a table tucked away in a dark corner with Mercedes, the two softly singing Don't Go Breaking My Heart a cappella at each other. They are adorable and I finally have a smile on my face when I approach. "Hey, guys."
Mercedes grins and gives me a hug then forces me to sit. "Girl, I'm so proud of you!"
Well, this is awkward. "Actually," I start and bite my bottom lip. "That's kind of why I'm here. I need to ask you an immense favor, Sam."
Rachel, being Rachel, is first on the list to sing. She settles on a lone black stool in the middle of the makeshift stage and whispers something to the guitarist behind her. He smiles, laughs a little, and then nods.
A spotlight washes over her and for a minute I forget we're not speaking, we're not together. She looks beautiful. She's in her element. She looks happy. A pang brings me back to reality when I realize she is fine without me. Maybe better.
"It took me a while to pick a song to sing tonight. And then two days ago, it hit me. Adele always has better ways to say the things I keep in my heart and mind. I swear, it's like the girl lives in my mind and probes my brain, writing the lyrics I feel belong to me." Some of the audience laugh and she smiles, carefully scanning the crowd with slits for eyes, the brightness of the spotlight making her blind.
"Anyway," she takes a deep breath and then nods again at the guy with the guitar, "here goes nothing." She begins singing with a nostalgic smile.
This is how the story went
I met someone by accident
Who blew me away
Blew me away
And It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away, buried them away
I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
Dropped you off at the train station
Put a kiss on top of your head
Watched you wave
And watched you wave
Then I went on home to my skyscrapers
And neon lights and waiting papers
That I call home
I call that home
I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
Away, yeah
Woke up feeling heavy hearted
I'm going back to where I started
The morning rain
The morning rain
And though I wish that you were here
On that same old road that brought me here
It's calling me home
It's calling me home
I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
I can spend my whole life hiding my heart away
My eyes are still brimming with unshed tears when the host calls out my name three performances later.
Ever since Rachel finished her song and sat back down next to Gaea - Gaea wrapping her arm protectively over the back of Rachel's chair - I haven't been able to look away. This is all so confusing. The lyrics to that song, the way Gaea is acting. Did I jump to conclusions?
I get up slowly, being encouraged by Britt's loud cheering.
I know Santana has been texting Rachel the entire time since the girl was done singing. By this point, the Latina looks extremely pissed off. I try not to think too much about that and make my way to the stool.
The stage manager guy wearing all black finds Sam a stool and a cord for him to plug in his guitar. Sam turns to the other guitar man and tells him the song we're doing and the key. The guy seems to understand and to know which song he's talking about which is good.
I take control of my emotions and hope I can stay in control the duration of the song. It's all I ask.
"Ready," I tell Sam.
He smiles back at me and counts us off.
One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away
Both under influence
We had divine scent
To know what to say
Mind is a razor blade
To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no
One night of magic rush
The start a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief
Ten days of perfect tunes
The colors red and blue
We had a promise made
We were in love
To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no
To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
And you, you knew the hands of the devil
And you, kept us awake with wolf teeth
Sharing different heartbeats
In one night
To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no
To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no
"What the fuck was that, Quinn?" Santana asks, angrily, when I sit back down. I don't need to hear this again. I have a terrible headache and all I want is to get drunk and go to sleep. Too bad they're not serving alcohol since this is a school event, and not even Santana brought a flask.
"What?" I ask and my eyes go back to where Rachel is supposed to be sitting. She's not there. And neither is Gaea. Great, just perfect. I cross my arms in a bout of immaturity and lean back on my seat.
Santana shakes her head and narrows her eyes at me. Britt puts a hand on her shoulder and pulls her back to say something in Santana's ear. She gives me a sympathetic look and then says, "It's okay, Q. Maybe we should leave, yeah?"
I nod at Britt, happy that someone is on my side. Santana doesn't seem happy with this turn of events and snaps her had to Britt, "Why are you on her side?"
"I'm right here." I tell her as if she didn't know.
"I know," She tells me, "do you think I can't fucking see you over there?" Then she looks back at Britt. "She could just fix this by talking to Rachel but she just keeps stabbing her -"
I stand, enraged, slam my hands open on the table, "talk?! I tried talking. She doesn't want to hear it right now. I don't think she ever will." Britt's eyes look sad and then she slowly looks around us to let me know that people are staring at my outburst. "You guys stay, seriously." I tell Santana. "I'm going home."
Britt comes after me, I hear her chair scrape against the floor, but then Santana mumbles something about letting me go, and Britt does.
I feel extremely alone.
As soon as I step out the building, I feel the warm air slap my face. I'm feeling really dumb right about now, and I don't think I've ever disliked myself as much as I do now.
Smoking sounds like a good idea. I've only ever smoked once before, and it was awful; my lungs burned and I coughed like crazy. Except that I'm so stressed, shaking, angry, that I feel like it's the only thing besides an orgasm that'll snap me out of it.
I don't have a cigarette, so instead, I gulp down the desire, and start walking back to the cheerleading house on the other side of campus.
I'm not looking straight ahead and end up bumping into a body.
I apologize profusely, as the person pulls up their right foot off the ground and cradles it in their hand. "It's fine," they reassure me.
Making eye contact, I realize how beautiful this girl is. "Hey, I'm so sorry." I say again. "Really, I wasn't looking, I've been kind of not myself late-"
"You're Quinn Fabray," she says and stops me from the rant. I nod and bite my bottom lip. I'm used to people knowing who I am by now. If not as head cheerleader, as Rachel Berry's ex. "I just heard you singing in there," the brunette tells me. She points back at the building where the lights are still dimmed, and says, "you're good."
"Thank you," I shake my head, feeling the blush coming on my cheeks. "I - well, nice to meet you... um?" I ask, extending a hand at the stranger. I feel an instant connection to her, or at least an attraction. It's dark out, and there aren't a lot of students walking around.
The girl takes my hand with both of hers and shakes it a little too enthusiastically, but I've never had anything against enthusiasm. "Sarah. My name's Sarah Martin."
"Sarah, right." I repeat (I can't help myself) and I like the way the name sounds on my tongue.
Sarah pulls out a cigarette from her pack in her ripped jeans' pocket and offers one to me, "smoke?"
It's like the girl can read my mind. I smile and take one from the pack, holding it awkwardly in my fingers. "I don't usually smoke," I admit before I can help myself. I look up at the sultry brown eyes. "This is only my second time." If Rachel saw me now, she'd be so furious. She's always hated smoking because of what it can do to a person's voice (besides all of the other dangers).
Sarah asks, "having a bad night?" She lights mine first and then her own, and places her free hand on her back pocket as she drags in.
I eye her and take a drag too, feeling lightheaded and a little dizzy with the way it fills my lungs. I cough into my fist and then look at her, a little embarrassed. "Try a bad year." She laughs at my statement and I cringe at the way I made myself sound. "Sorry, I'm like, super depressing right now." I apologize to Sarah once again tonight, and she just continues laughing as she smokes.
"Dude, I've yet to meet a pretty girl like you who isn't broken on the inside." Dude. She called me a dude. Usually I'd be offended. If it were a guy, I'd definitely be offended, but there's an easiness to Sarah that makes me smile. Besides, she said I'm pretty. She continues, all nonchalant, "you can tell me - was it a guy who broke your heart?"
She doesn't know who I am, I realize. Well, she knows I am Quinn Fabray, obviously, but probably only from when the host called out my name to sing. She has no idea of Rachel and she doesn't know I'm gay. Is she fishing? Or is she just really trying to know?
"Do you not go here?" I ask instead.
She gives me a half smile, "No. I go to NYU. My friend insisted I come tonight. I had just stepped out to smoke when you attacked me." She jokes and at first I'm caught off guard. When I look up at her with wide eyes and the cigarette dangling from my lips, then I realize she's kidding.
"Attacked you?" I shriek, laughing. I puff out some smoke and cough again, but already getting the hang of doing this. "I did not attack you. It was an accident and I apologized."
She hums, and quirks an eyebrow. Well, damn, she's really attractive. She has an exotic quality to her. I try to shake away these thoughts. I always find myself attracted to the hot brunettes, with exotic eyes, and tan skin. "You're staring. That's kind of rude if you don't tell me you like what you see." She's pretty straight forward, and I like that too.
"I like what I see," I admit quietly and throw the stub of the cigarette on the ground. I stomp on it with the bottom of my shoes and she does the same. "Where are you from? Like, ethnicity-wise."
"I'm part Indian, part French." She tells me and runs a hand through her long, wavy, brown hair. It reaches down to her ass. She's wearing a cut off white shirt, and I notice how toned her arms are. "My mother was from Bombay, and my father is from Nice, South of France."
"Ah," I say, incredibly curious to know more about her. "That's a good mix. Really good," I mumble and look away from her eyes for just a second. To breathe.
"What about you?" She asks. "Where are you from?" I catch her staring at my lips for a second longer than really appropriate and feel heat rush throughout my body. Damn it.
I hear loud voices coming from the building. It seems like open mic night is over as people and more people start coming out of the place. "I'm from Ohio. I honestly don't know much about my heritage?" It comes off more like a question and she shrugs. "Irish, I'm guessing?"
She scuffs the front of her worn out converse on the pavement as she says, "I'm from Texas." I smile, thinking that's kind of neat.
"You don't have an accent," I point out. "A Southern accent. And you're not..."
"What?" She asks, frowning while she smiles, "please don't say 'cowgirl.' Oh my god!" She laughs when I look guilty. "Not everyone from Tejas is a cowperson. In fact, you've yet to meet someone who dislikes country as much as me."
I think of Santana and how that's probably not true, and nod along, "so you've never ridden a horse to school?"
She clenches a hand over her heart and gasps for air, "holy fuck. Be more stereotypical, please." She thinks really hard and then says, "damn it, I can't think of anything to make fun of you for." The chatter outside is getting louder and I turn, looking for a familiar face - Santana, Britt... Rachel. I don't even know why I'm looking. I'm actually having a lot of fun with Sarah, but I can't help it. "Are you waiting for someone?" She asks and nods toward the crowd gathered in front of the university union.
"Nah," I say. "Just - my friends are kind of upset with me at the moment and I just- I - well," awkward cough.
"It's fine, dude. I have to go," she tells me and checks the time on her phone. "But, it'd be kind of sweet if I could have your number. You know, to text you or call if I'm ever around here again." She offers me her phone and I take it, a weird twist in my stomach. It's been a while since I gave someone my number like this. With second intentions behind mine and their actions.
I smile as I punch in the number and warn her, "you better use it."
She says, "duh," as if it's something she was going to do anyway, and I like her more for it.
I'm not expecting a call when I get back from working out. I pull out my phone from my pocket to check who's calling and smile. "Hello?" I pick up, grinning.
"I'm around," she says simply.
It's Monday afternoon. Two days since the open mic event that I met her. "You come around here often?"
"I didn't, but I have a reason now," she tells me and I hear her sigh, "so are you free to grab lunch with me?"
"Have you ever had Indian food before?" She asks as she holds the door open to this small Indian restaurant near campus. I shake my head, shy and slightly embarrassed. She smiles, "first time for everything." Her lips are a bold red and I find myself staring.
We settle at the table the hostess takes us to and I ask for a water with lemon. She asks for tea and I try not to groan out loud. "I really hate tea," I tell her conspiratorially.
"Fuck," she says with wide eyes. "Does that mean I don't get a goodbye kiss today?"
I gulp, caught off guard by her wanting to kiss me. "Is that what you were expecting out of this?" I ask. My cheeks are warm and I look at her under lashes, trying to gain some composure. She laughs out loud and ignores my question with a sideways look. I tilt my head and narrow my eyes at her.
"You're cute," she tells me, looking right into my eyes.
I giggle, "people usually don't call me cute."
"I don't know why; you are. Sexy, too. Definitely attractive. But cute, endearing." She smiles again and reaches for the tea the waitress leaves on our table. We give the waitress our orders and she leaves.
Looking from her hand around the cup of pee-colored tea to her eyes, I find myself wishing she was Rachel telling me those things. And it's the first time it's happened ever since I met her - for me to compare her to Rachel and wish it was my ex instead. I don't know how to react to what she said so I just smile and thank her awkwardly. If only my thoughts hadn't taken me to Rachel, maybe I wouldn't feel so awkward about being here.
She senses this, "so," she clears her throat, takes in a deep breath, squares her shoulders, and wiggles her eyebrows. "This reason why you've had a bad year... it's not a guy?"
"No," I admit, biting my lip. I don't care to elaborate on the Rachel aspect of it all, but tell her, "I'm not really over it." It's not outright 'you don't even have a chance,' because honestly? She does. In fact, I want to give her one if she'd take it. I want to want her; I want to want it. So it's more like silently asking her, begging her, pleading her, to wait just a while longer. I know we just met, but I know that this could be a good thing if only I gave it a go.
"I'm in no hurry," she tells me. And again she says the right thing. "I know how badly heartbreaks hurt."
"You do, huh?" I ask.
She laughs and says, "never seen a girl as pretty as me who isn't a little bit broken on the inside." It's what she told me when we first me. I laugh at her confidence, though I find it incredibly hot, and she continues, "you wanna talk about it?"
"Honestly?" I ask and purse my lips, "not really." I sigh, "it's way too dramatic and stupid, and not worth my time anymore."
The waitress is approaching us with a basket of bread - naan, I think it's what's called. Sarah just looks at me and then at the basket and asks, "you've never had Naan? Here," she practically shoves a piece of the flat bread at me, "try it."
"Quinn?" There she is, holding herself in an embrace that shows how vulnerable she is to be here. I applaud her for coming to me again, after the long journey we both have been on. She looks fragile, almost like she's not herself.
I'm in the gym, in my cheerleading outfit, checking inventory before we close the storage unit for the summer. My gaze doesn't seem to want to move away from hers, but I clear my throat and turn away. "Yes? How can I help?"
She scuffles closer, I can feel it. "I - just." She sighs, taking a deep breath right after and says, "Gaea and I are not together. Not anymore. I mean, not since that morning you saw us getting breakfast." She giggles to herself. "We lasted less than a day together. We're better off as friends."
"Are you done?" I ask, turning around with a large box in my hands.
She hurries closer, "do you need a hand?"
"No, that's okay." I can see her face fall but I will myself not to care. "Look, Rachel -" I set the damn box back down and shut my eyes. "Did you go for Gaea to purposefully hurt me or- I don't know. Are you here because Santana told you about Sarah?"
At this piece of information she perks up, "Sarah? Who's Sarah?" She looks worried, picks on the cardboard of a box nearby.
I only give her a look as a response.
She nods and says, "I don't think I can do this anymore-" she waves between us. "Not being close to you, not being your friend. It's awful. It hurts and I hate it. I apologize for how Saturday went down but please, Quinn, can we at least be friends?"
I put both hands on my hips and look at her. Well, I miss her. And summer's coming, which means we'll probably be apart. It's best to be apart but be 'friends' than have all that distance between us emotionally and physically. I sigh since I'm tired of being upset too, "of course we can be friends. I'm sorry too." Stepping closer, I cross my arms. "I'm sorry for the cold treatment."
"You had every right to - you weren't happy in our relationship anymore."
"Rachel, I - it was partly my fault too."
"Yeah," she admits softly. "I don't know, if we ha-"
"No. Let's not go there, okay? It'll only bring heartbreak for us both again." Looking at her eyes, seeing her lips - god, I miss her. It's like even when I can't stand her around me, I can't get enough of it. This is so difficult. I break the eye contact.
She relents, "you're right. Um, so I'll see you around?" She starts to walk backwards, and I watch her.
I grab the box again, "yeah, I'll see you." Before she steps through the double doors, I stop her. "Rach?"
She turns, her hair dancing around her head, and she asks, hopeful, "yeah?"
"How are the boys?" I ask. I know how they are. I keep in touch with Mike and he usually lets me know how Bandit and Benji are doing. Sometimes we even hang out at a park, the four of us. I guess I ask to let her know I still care, and that I miss them. All of them.
She smiles, and the way her nose scrunches when talking about them makes my heart melt, "the boys are doing great. They're amazing."
"Yeah. Well, okay. See you."
She leaves.
"Summer before senior year, Q. Excited?" Britt asks from her spot near the headboard of my bed. I'm packing to go home. I'm going to visit my sister and little Lea, spend some time with the family. Hopefully see about forgetting a girl as a lover and think of her as a friend.
"Well," I start. "Rachel came by yesterday."
Instantly, Britt's on her knees in front of me. "What did she want? What did she say? What did you say? How did it go? How did you feel? Did you guys make it up?"
"Woah- chill, Britt. Let's go slow here. She apologized. And she wants us to be friends."
"Well? What did you say?"
"I said of course."
"Do you mean it?" She smiles broadly, like this is her life we're talking about.
I smile too, albeit not as enthusiastically. "I did - I mean, I do. I just hope that's enough."
To say I'm surprised is an understatement, but I definitely don't mind. "Hey, what are you doing here? In the neighborhood again?" I'm folding t-shirts to put them in my suitcase.
Sarah walks in my room with boxes around, clothes strewn over furniture and looks. "If you don't mind, I asked around where I could find you." She picks up a picture of me and Santana in matching uniforms and looks at it with interest. "Your ex?"
I laugh, "no! Definitely not." I look at the picture and I remember that Rachel took it of us on Santana's first game cheering with us. "That's my ex's best friend actually. Now her and I are good friends."
She sets the picture back down and picks up a picture of Mike, Britt and I this time. "You have hot friends."
"Don't I know. It's such a problem, really."
She says, "new friends, especially. Like, way hot new friends." Irking an eyebrow as a challenge, she comes closer.
"Yeah, well, only some of them." She steps even closer.
"I like you, you know," she confesses and my stomach flips. With another step and a delicious smirk, I find myself hoping she kisses me. She's just the right height where I don't have to awkwardly reach higher or lower. "I can't stop thinking about you, ever since we met."
I gulp, "you can't?" I have been thinking about her a lot too, when I'm not thinking about Rachel.
"No, I can't." She grabs the current orange shirt I have in my hands. Our fingers touch and I shiver. "'Scuse me," she says with a tilt of tone of voice, and drops the shirt on the floor of my room.
My breath hitches when she runs her hands down my sides to my hips. "What are you-" before I finish the sentence, Sarah leans forward and presses her lips to mine. I hum in approval and feel her tug me closer. Her thumbs circle my hipbones and her right hand ventures under my shirt and to my back. It sends tingles everywhere.
My hands that were limp next to me are now running up her neck, grabbing onto her hair. Her tongue drags out and licks my bottom lip. I open my mouth and our tongues dance. "I wanted to do this since that night," she admits.
I nod, "you should have." Our kiss breaks naturally and when I open my eyes, hers are still closed, she's smirking.
"That was - everything I imagined it'd be and more."
"I'm glad you came by," I say and run my fingers through her hair.
She smiles again, her lips inviting me to kiss her again. When we pull away, she says, "you're leaving for the summer so I wanted to say goodbye. It's too bad we just met."
My entire body stiffens in her arms. "I - I. Well, Sarah, I can't do a long distan-"
"Dude," she says and picks up her hands. "Nobody's talking about long-distance. I have been thinking about you nonstop, but I'm not trying to ask you to be my girlfriend while you're away. If I still can't stop thinking about you when you're back though, I wouldn't be imposed in trying a relationship then. Short-distance," she finishes and pecks my lips.
Giggling, relieved and a little embarrassed, I ask her, "want to go out with me tomorrow?"
Santana is braiding Britt's hair on the floor of her room when someone knocks on the door.
"I'll get it," I tell them and get up from the chair in front of the desk. Neither looks at me but they both mumble a thanks.
I cross the room and open the door and Rachel's on the other side, smiling. Her smile falters when she sees me. We usually don't run into each other like this at Santana's because we always text her to ask if it's alright to come over. Apparently there was no questioning today.
"Oh, hey." She smiles again, even though I know this to be forced. "Didn't expect to see you here today."
"I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon to go home," I tell her but I don't know why.
I know Santana and Britt are paying attention to us now because they stopped talking altogether. Rachel looks over my shoulder and greets them, "hey, guys." Then she looks at me, "are you... Going to let me in?"
I step aside and she comes in, sitting on the same chair I was sitting before. "I didn't know you knocked to come over now."
"It's better to knock than to be surprised by those two. You know that."
Everyone laughs. It's akward but we're trying. The tension is still tangible.
"What's up, Rachel?" Santana asks and goes back to the braiding. We exchange a look and then Britt and I exchange a look.
Rachel's biting on the inside of her cheeks when she tells Santana. "Oh, nothing. I was just - I came over hoping to talk to you but you're busy and I don't want to impose." She swirls around on the chair and faces Santana's laptop. It's open on her tumblr. page and she starts scrolling.
"Fuck off, you know I'm always available for talking. Do you want to go grab a pizza?" She finishes the braid and kisses Britt on the temple. "You don't mind if I go, right, babe?"
"You go, Q and I will give each other manicures!"
Obviously now I want to know what Rachel wants to talk to Santana about, but instead I pretend I don't care. "That'd be lovely, Britt."
Rachel stands and looks at me, "sorry for intruding in on your time with them."
I frown, "What? Rachel, she was your friend first. I don't mind sharing. Besides, we're kind of friends now... So, you know, don't apologize. I'll have Britt, who, we all know, I like better than that one anyway."
Santana flicks me off and Britt kisses her cheek before getting up. She extends a hand to Santana and pulls her off the floor and then pats her on the butt. "Off you two go."
Rachel opens the door and Santana slips through, "bye." Rachel says and slams the door behind her. She seemed so unlike herself. And that's always weird.
A/N: Songs are: Adele - Hiding My Heart, and Jose Gonzales' cover of Heartbeats.