Chapter 3 - Basket Case

Whoever this Sarah is... I don't fucking like her.

I know I have no right to that, especially since Quinn and I are now "friends," or so she says, but I can't help it. I feel like I might throw up the moment I hear some other girl's name being spoken by Quinn's lips.

Ever since going to the gym to make peace with Quinn, I have been trying to forget Sarah. And trying hard. I had Hey over a couple of times and we've had fun, but it's not the same as it was when I was just plain angry.

Now I'm angry and scared.

The more I think about it, the less I remember why Quinn and I aren't together anymore. But we have already been through this and I have to respect her choice to break up with me. But fuck, if it doesn't hurt. It hurts daily, and sleeping with a girl after another is clearly not helping. Without Quinn, sex is just two sweaty bodies on the same bed.

It's hard getting over Quinn. Not just because she is literally everywhere on campus with the posters they put up for the Keep Calm film she was in last semester or because she is head cheerleader, but because she is friends with all my friends. That was my first mistake. She's a great person - why wouldn't they want to hang out with her, too?

Santana is the main culprit. Once she started cheering alongside Quinn, I feel like they have been closer friends than me and San. Maybe Santana will be able to explain to me why Quinn really broke up with me.

Maybe not.

I'm sure I've asked before.

I wouldn't be insisting so much on this if I wasn't sure that Quinn is also not over me. If she were over me, then she wouldn't look at me the way she does when we're in the same room. It feels like the room gets smaller and I can feel her hazel eyes follow my actions. I can almost taste the feel of her lips against my lips when we talk to each other. With what we had before, it's not such a crazy idea to believe that five months is not enough to forget someone. She was - is, she is my best friend.

And now, this Sarah girl comes around to fuck this up even more?

I can't stop thinking about this girl and what she might look like. Does she look even remotely like me? Because if she has long, brown hair and expressive brown eyes then Quinn just needs to admit to wanting me. Maybe she is the opposite - tall, redhead, blue eyes.

What does it matter? Trying to speculate about someone who doesn't even know I exist will do nothing but frustrate me more and give me a headache.

I need to have faith. Faith in what Quinn and I had. Faith that if it's meant to be, she'll come back to me. We'll find each other again. Without games, without regrets, without pressure. Without things that linger over us, like other girls' names.

When I get out of my head, I realize that this entire time I have been walking to my old dorm room - to Santana's current room she shares with a friend from her one of her Psych classes. I don't really know why my feet brought me here. I had no direction when I left the apartment I share with Mike. I thought that maybe I'd go to the park and sit to enjoy the crisp air of spring but apparently this Sarah thing has been bothering me more than I realized.

I take the elevator, because my ankle hurts a bit from landing wrong after a pirouette earlier this week, and I don't want to make it worse by taking the stairs when it's not necessary. The quietness of the elevator is not something I welcome, per se, because it allows all those thoughts about Quinn and Sarah back too quickly and too strong for me to really fight them.

I am thankful when the doors open. The hallway is familiar and I take in the smell of laundry detergent coming from the laundry room to my right.

It might be a minute or two that I stand in front of Santana's door, unsure if I should knock.

The white board on the door says "San is a bitch. -Q." and I realize how long it's been since I have been to our - I mean, Santana's dorm.

The knock is softer than I thought it'd be but it's not long before I hear a voice I recognize say "I'll get it," on the other side. Immediately, I feel a cold wave take over my body, from my feet up. I should have thought this through before coming here. I should have known that Quinn might be here since they're so close. I worry that I'm interrupting a double date maybe. Wouldn't that be so cute? Santana and Britt and Quinn and Sarah.

I try to prepare myself mentally. I put on a smile and expect the door to open, but even expectant my smile falters when my eyes land on Quinn. She's so beautiful. I should have texted as I usually do. Or did, since it's been so long since I've been here - months, probably.

"Oh, hey." I force a smile and then add, "didn't expect to see you here today."

"I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon to go home," is Quinn's almost immediate response. It goes unsaid but I think she's nervous to see me. This is the first time we see each other since the talk at the gym where we said we'd be friends. And friends need to be cool around each other, despite the fact that I can't stop staring at her lips while she speaks. Over Quinn's shoulder I see Brittany sitting on the floor, between Santana's legs. She's braiding Britt's hair, but they're both frozen and staring. "Hey, guys." I greet them. Santana barely nods and goes back to braiding. It's not personal, I know. I bring my eyes back to Quinn, "are you... Going to let me in?"

I take a seat on Santana's empty chair once Quinn steps aside to let me in. I figure that Quinn's been sitting on it, but I don't want to seem like I am overthinking anything so I just let myself down on it.

Quinn comments as she sits on the edge of Santana's bed, near Britt, "I didn't know you knocked to come over now."

"It's better to knock than to be surprised by those two. You know that." It feels safer to joke, because the tension is tangible, and I'd rather have Quinn aughing than upset at me. Also, it's been too long since I've been here. Better to be polite.

"What's up, Rachel?" Santana asks, briefly looking at me before going back to her task. I see her share a look with Quinn, then Quinn share a look with Britt and I feel impossibly out of the loop.

It tastes like blood in my mouth because of how hard I'm chewing on the inside of my cheeks out of anxiety. "Oh, nothing. I was just - I came over hoping to talk to you but you're busy and I don't want to impose." I avoid eye contact with anyone else in the room, swirling Santana's chair away from them toward her laptop perked on the desk. It's open on her tumblr and the very first picture is of a girl in a very compromising position.

"Fuck off, you know I'm always available for talking. Do you want to go grab a pizza?" She finishes the braid and kisses Britt on the temple. "You don't mind if I go, right, babe?" I'm surprised and glad that Santana didn't hesitate. Had she done that, I would've made an excuse and left, but I'm no longer worried about being annoying.

Britt doesn't mind at all. I can see that she's hopeful, "You go, Q and I will give each other manicures!"

Quinn just softly smiles at Britt, "That'd be lovely, Britt."

I stand up and tell Quinn sincerely, "sorry for intruding in on your time with them."

She looks taken aback by my comment. "What? Rachel, she was your friend first. I don't mind sharing. Besides, we're kind of friends now... So, you know, don't apologize. I'll have Britt, who, we all know, I like better than that one anyway." I appreciate that she makes a joke because with every laugh I feel less tense.

Without even looking up at Quinn, Santana flicks her off and then Britt kisses her cheek before getting up. Santana helps Britt up from the floor before reciprocating the peck with one of her own.

I open the door and wait for Santana to grab her jacket and let her go first. "Bye," I say and let the door close off behind me.

"You alright?" Santana asks as we ride the elevator down to the lobby. She continues to press the button even though the elevator's already moving.

I roll my eyes at her impatience, but it's nothing new since she's always done this. "I'm fine." I say.

"If you are fine, then why do you look like you're about to throw up?" She doesn't even have to be staring at my face to be able to tell that I'm physically sick from thinking so much about Quinn with another girl.

The elevator dings and the doors open to a group of about three girls talking. I make eye contact with one with dark, short hair and smile. She smiles back, bashful, and then focus back on the conversation her friends are having as the door closes. "I -" I breathe, trying to not think so hard about the Sarah of it all.

Santana leads the way, and I follow a few feet behind, head down, hands behind my back. When we're outside the building, the light breeze picks up and it gives me the chill. I wrap my arms around my chest and catch up to Santana's pace.

"Rachel, seriously. You wanted to talk. Let's talk." We're walking to our favorite pizza place on campus. It's a short walk.

With one word I voice all my concerns. "Sarah," I say. Santana stops suddenly and turns to face me. There's pure horror stricken across her face. "I want to know about Sarah, San."

"Rachel, come on." She says, trying to persuade me not to go there. "Sarah is a no one." Her face is neutral once again when she tells me, "don't worry about her."

"San, you can't possibly be asking me not to worry about some girl Quinn brought up when we were talking!" I stop her by the arm, only a block away from the pizza place.

Santana sighs audibly and slowly extricates my hand from her wrist. Normally she would have pulled it away with force but I know she can tell how affected by this I am. "Rach," she uses my nickname carefully. I've never seen Santana so composed when I have been bratty to her. "okay. Since you asked."

"Yes. I'm asking." I let us resume on our walk. I am starving, I realize. We pass in front of other food places and the smells are only making me hungrier.

"Well, Sarah is a girl Quinn met that night with the open mic. They're like - into each other or something."

So my suspicions are confirmed. Thoughts I kept in the back of my head for fear that they'd be correct. Quinn doesn't do one-night stands, and if she likes someone, she really invests. She wouldn't waste time with someone she isn't truly interested in. "Have they kissed?" I ask next.

"Rachel!" Santana says, exasperation finally rising in her voice. "I don't see how talking about Sarah is going to help you at all. And didn't the two of you decide you'll try being friends anyway? What does it matter if Quinn's -"

"You know why it matters, San!" I let out. My outburst makes Santana stop walking. "Because I still fucking love her. And I can't bear the thought of her with another girl, much less kissing someone else!"

My best friend finally says, "hey," as she wraps her arms around my waist. I hug her back, both arms around her neck and let her pull me in. "I know, sweetie. I know. I -" Santana soothes me with her hands running up and down my back. "It's tough, Rachel. This is why I didn't want to tell you about Sarah. How did you hear about her anyway?"

"From Quinn herself. She thought you had mentioned her to me or something..." I mumble.

"Damn it, Fabray." Santana mutters at Quinn, even if she can't hear her. "I'm sorry."

I don't know how to respond to that sentiment. It's not like it's Santana's fault. She didn't shatter my fucking heart into pieces.

"But hey - the pizza smells delicious and we're not even in there yet." Santana opens the door and the smell hits us stronger than before. "And also, Quinn and Sarah aren't even dating. They just met. It's just a... thing."

"'A thing' is never a good thing, San." I don't want to break down further to the point of bawling but I can't help the tears that start coming down.

"I hate it that this is happening," Santana admits as she slowly lets me go to make sure I am okay. Her eye contact stays strong as I fidget to look away. She pulls my gaze back with a snap, "I hate seeing you heartbroken because of Quinn. I just want you to be careful so that it doesn't happen again."

I nod, letting her know I hear her. She opens the door for us and guides me with a hand behind my back. This is why I love her: although she likes to pretend she doesn't care, she does and when she loves someone she is fiercely loyal. "Thanks, San."

This place s one of those restaurants that you sit yourself, so Santana and I find a table by the window so we can people watch as we eat. The waiter recognizes us and as he approaches, he's already suggesting us with our preferred drink choices, "tea for you and Sprite for you, right?" He points at Santana and winks.

She rolls her eyes good heartedly and says, "yes, Freddie. Thanks."

"So," she focuses back on me. "you haven't really been around."

My eyes drop to the table. "I know. I'm sorry. You're just - always with her."

"Rachel." Santana's voice is borderline exasperated. "You're my best friend, no matter what." She seems a bit upset that I would ever consider that she would trade me for Quinn. "Fuck that," she throws in at last minute.

I don't say anything. Freddie brings our drinks and then hangs around our table while we finalize our selection. He assures us that the pizza will be out in less than ten minutes and then buzzes away to another table. "Okay, I realize that I might have disappeared a bit." I don't want to sound as childish as I know that came out. "I just needed some time..."

"From me?" Santana asks, taking a sip of her Sprite. "I'm not Quinn."

"I realize that, thank you very much. I already told you though: you guys are always together. Seriously."

"Just call me! Or text me. Just let me be here for you."

I look at her, and see her earnest want to help. "There isn't much you can do for heartbreak, Santana."

She laughs, even though it's not funny. "Don't I know that? But ice cream is a pretty good start."

There's still something in the back of my head, killing me. I try to avoid it as much as I can and we move on our conversation past Quinn. We get our pizza, and Santana makes a show of chewing it with her mouth open simply to irritate me but it doesn't bother me. I've missed her so much.

"I missed you, dork." I throw her the paper wrapper from my straw and it hits her right on the nose.

She doesn't say anything back. She shrugs and continues eating her pizza, but she looks up with a smirk that kind of lets me know she missed me just as much.

It certainly comes as a surprise when my phone rings and it's Quinn. At first I'm not sure if I'm seeing things right, so I stare. Then it hits me - pick up the phone. So I do. "He-" I clear my throat. "Hello?"

"Rachel, hi." Quinn says. She sounds nervous. I can hear the tremor in her voice and I wish it wasn't there when she spoke to me.

"Hi," I say back, dumbly. "How, um, how are you?"

She's hesitant. "I'm alright." She takes in a very deep breath. "I don't know why I called, honestly. In retrospect, it seems stupid." It's the first time Quinn calls me in months. We haven't talked on the phone like this in months. The admission that she doesn't know why she called pulls at my stomach. "I - think - I mean. I'm on my drive home. I couldn't stop thinking about you and how much of a bitch I've been. I think I'm calling to apologize."

That was even more unexpected than the call in the first place. "Oh."

"I know it's out of nowhere. But since I saw you at Santana's - it's just been there."

I'm at a loss for words and I let her know, "I don't know how to take this."

She exhales on the other side. "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, again. I shouldn't have called. I don't want to lead y- never mind."

She's about to hang up, I know. I recognize the way she sounds when she feels like there's nothing else to say, so I stop her. "Wait."

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for calling. And thank you for apologizing."

"Have a good summer break, Rach." She sounds relieved when she tells me that, and for the first time in five months, I feel like something has been lifted. Even after talking to her at the gym or seeing her at Santana's didn't bring this much... peace of mind.

I smile, "you, too. Tell your parents I said hi."

She doesn't hold in the chuckle and tells me, "mom's been asking when you're visiting again."

That's weird. "Doesn't she know... what happened?"

"No, she knows. She's just in denial. She seems to believe we belong together." Quinn telling me that doesn't help my belief that's quite similar to Judy's. "But you know - she still insists that despite, we should be good friends."

Friends. I didn't know I could dislike such a good word so much. "I - yeah, she's right. We should... try hanging out this summer?"

"Yeah." Quinn says. "Definitely. I could come down to Lima or something."

"You would drive there to hang out with me?" I question, and then shake my head. I sound too hopeful already and one can never be sure.

She is quick to reply, "of course." It sounds like she wants to add something else, but she doesn't. She keeps quiet and the conversation dies down.

"Well, alright. Yeah. I'll let you know when I go home to visit and you can visit Artie and San too." I need to make it obvious that we won't be alone, so she doesn't think I'm trying to make a date thing out of this.

"How's Spring Awakening?"

Hey, that's something I can talk about without cringing. "It's going great, actually. Thanks for asking. We are making tons of progress. Only last week we changed some choreography but I think it can only get better from there."

"That's amazing. I know you'll do great."

"Thanks," I mumble.

"I'm really proud of you," she throws in. Which, really? With the call, and the comments, one would think she still cares about me."

I swallow dry, not really sure how to move forward from here. "Speaking of Spring Awakening, I have to go to rehearsal." I don't but I keep up with the lie anyway. "We have to make up for changing choreography."

"Oh yeah. Of course. I'm sorry for taking up your time."

"No problem at all. I'm... glad you called."

"Good bye, Rach."

"Please, drive safe," I tell her and then, "bye."

So the next week I'm hanging out at Santana's with her, Britt, and Kurt and we're all playing Uno. It's a nice change of pace for once. I have a break with Spring Awakening for about three days and then we're back on harder than ever. But for right now, it's just time for cold beers and friends.

I take a swig of mine and place down a yellow 2, turn to Kurt and wait for his move. He gives me a stink look and throws all of his cards down on the carpet. "I hate you."

"Game's not over!" I shriek. He always gives up before it's over. Such a sore loser.

He doesn't even acknowledge me as he sits next to Britt on the laptop. The moment he sits, there's a ring coming from it. Skype. I look at the source of the noise and turn cold. Quinn's calling Britt.

Britt turns to me, "is it okay if I pick up or?"

Santana doesn't even let me reply, "go ahead, baby." She then shrugs at me and starts collecting the Uno cards.

She's right though. It doesn't matter how crappy of a relationship Quinn and I have right now, they're still best friends and she has every right to talk to her when she calls.

The call connects and seeing her smiling face makes my heart constrict. She looks as gorgeous as ever, her hair shorter than last time I saw her. "Hey, Britt!" She waves, adorably, and then sends a kiss over.

"Hey, Q! How've you been?"

"Good, good. You?" She realizes now there are other people around so she tries to see behind Britt's head but it's impossible if she's behind a screen so she laughs and says, "who else is there, Britt? Is that S?"

Britt ducks, suddenly, and I am standing right behind her. When our eyes meet, Quinn immediately blushes then looks away. "Oh, hey, Rachel."

"Hello, Quinn. You look -" I remember we're not alone so I clear my throat, give a look around and silently finish my thought. "Beautiful, I guess."

Her eyes widen. She looks down, her bangs cover her eyes for a minute and she looks bashful. When she looks up and the light in her room hits her like that, it's breathtaking. "Thank you."

Kurt speaks up next, "Hey, Quinn." I look at him and realize it must've been awkward for the others to witness the exchange.

"Hola, Bitch." Santana says from behind me. She's stretched out on her bed, reading a magazine.

"Hello Kurt and the other one," Quinn says from the other side. "What are you guys doing?"

"We were playing Uno but Kurt threw a fit and gave up." I tell her and move out of the way for the others to be included in the conversation as well. "Quitter," I say and give him a look. I also chance a glance at Quinn from my spot near the window and she's already looking at me. It makes me nervous.

He jumps off his seat and picks up a finger, "no. I am not a quitter."

"Well," Santana says and flips a page. "You totally quit."

On the other side of the screen, Quinn laughs and the sound makes me turn back toward her. I haven't seen her look this happy in a very long time and just the image of her smiling like that makes me smile too. I blush when her eyes seek me in the room, and I just pretend that it was some sort of computer glitch, even though it's a long stretch. "Well, Kurt," Quinn says and focuses back on him. "You should play me. I'm really bad at Uno so you'd win."

"That's true," I say without thinking about it first. I realize what I did and shut up, turn around and move to sit next to Santana on the bed. I try to read over her shoulder but she pulls the magazine away and flicks me on the arm.

Kurt seems excited about the idea, "yes! We'll play when you come back for next semester."

"Sounds like a plan, Kurt." Quinn turns toward Britt, "what about you? What are you doing?"

"I am going to Lima with Santana tomorrow. We're driving like when you and Rache-" She stops halfway. I slowly pick up my phone to ignore the memories that come with it. "Sorry," she mutters and looks behind her to check with me if I'm okay.

I let out air through my mouth, air I didn't even know I was holding in. "I - it's fine."

"Quinn, maybe we'll come visit you." Santana says, barely looking up from her magazine. She's trying to change subjects and I'm extremely thankful for her.

"Sounds good."

I am starting to feel more awkward with each passing moment. With Quinn, it feels like for every step we take forward, we take a thousand back. I get up and make a lame excuse about buying eggs for Mike. Without another look at Quinn on the computer, I leave and race home.