Chapter 5 - Throw Me A Rope (Kt Tunstall)
It all happens very fast. One minute we're driving to a friend's party in Jersey, and the next, Hey is limp next to me.
The moment the other car hits us is very fast and slow at the same time. I can feel it coming, although I can't see it, and time slows down to the point that I can feel every movement of my body thrashing inside the car. In a split second, I realize the car's been hit and is now crossing the road into incoming traffic. I do my best to grab the steering wheel from the passenger seat and bring it back to our lane, but it's too hard and out of control.
I make a decision. I exhale. I tell myself that if I survive this I will be better. And then I let the wheel go in faith, close my eyes and pray. No, I don't really believe in my parents' God all that much, but Quinn believes and if she believes then that's something I'm willing to consider.
I hope that He listens when I ask for forgiveness and mercy.
The car drifts off to the gravel shoulder and stops without hitting anything else or being hit by a car, which is good. But I'm still dizzy, somewhat nauseous, and I can feel the blood gushing out of my leg. I turn to Hey, "Hey! Hey!" She doesn't say anything, her head bobs from one side to the next.
Unwilling to believe she's really all that hurt, I say, "that's not funny. Hey, dude, wake up." I slap her on the cheek as I've seen people do in the movies and try again, "Hey!"
Desperation starts to crawl up my chest, starting low in my gut all the way through my throat. I scream in desperation, "HELP!"
The belt feels constricting over my chest, and I just want to breathe. I manage to take the belt off and breathe deeply to try to gain some sense of control back. "Oh my god, please, Hey." I turn my attention to my friend again, and watch as her face shows no sign of anything. I try not to reach to conclusions by myself since I'm not a professional, but the lack of a rising and falling chest gives me enough indication of how much the impact affected her.
The car did hit her side with extreme force.
Suddenly, there are people banging on my window. I look up and see a couple of good souls who stopped to check on us. This man is tall and dark, and he looks terrified. He yells at me, "are you okay?!"
I nod, but not too vigorously, because my head hurts. "Sure-" I try to say but my voice barely comes out now that I know that I will be okay. Or so I hope. My body relaxes and I let my weight sink me into the seat.
He freaks, "hey! NO! Don't fall asleep."
I smile softly and try to open the car door. It's locked. I feel for the lock, there it is. Slowly I unlock the door and let him open it. There are four pairs of hands on me when I climb off the car, "are you alright?" I hear people asking.
"Hey." I say.
The man replies, "Hi. Are you okay? How many fingers am I holding up?"
I mumble something like, "not 'hey.' My friend, Hey." With much effort I try to turn my neck back toward the car but it hurts so I wince.
He seems to realize what I'm trying to tell him so he turns to the other people around and yells, "there's another one in the car!"
The next minute, the ambulance arrives with two firefighter trucks. One of the firefighters comes up to me and the rest run toward the car. I try my best to reply to every question to the man is asking me, and he seems to be satisfied with my state of consciousness and although I am sore all over, he explains that I only have on cut on my leg and they can fix that with a quick bandage.
One of the paramedics that arrived a few seconds later starts tending to me. They eventually lead me to the ambulance, testing out if I'm alright to walk. I walk there fine, now that the first shock passed.
When I'm drinking some water, I look up and see Hey's body on a stretcher, it hits me. It knocks the wind out of me and I spit the water out. "Hey!" I try to get up but the paramedic stops me with two hands on my arms.
"If I were you, I wouldn't."
I look him straight in the eyes and say, "you're not me. Let me go!" I release my arms from his grip and run to her. "Hey!"
The firemen stop where they are and look away from me. One who seems to be the leader breaks away from the group and takes me aside. "I'm sorry..." he starts. And even though I don't hear the words he says right after that I know that they are: she didn't make it.
The ambulance moves when someone climbs on board. "Okay, Ms. Berry. We're taking you to the hospital."
I don't know what to do. He tries to console me but all I know is that I feel incredibly alone and scared. I call both my fathers and neither pick up. I leave Dad a voicemail, but it's just crying, so I hang up. I end up calling Santana's cell, with every breath a sob. My insides feel like they're tangling, and my heart feels like it's going to explode with anguish.
The car takes off and the road is bumpy back toward the nearest hospital.
"Hello?" I hear. It's Brittany, I recognize the voice. I start talking, too fast, too slow, too all over the place to make sense. It hurts and I just want it to stop hurting. I feel someone picking me up from the floor and walking me back to the ambulance where they tell me to lay down and try to relax. Britt picks up on the fact that something happened but she can't quite understand me so she says, "Calm down, Rachel. Slow down - what happened?"
"I - I, it all happened so fast. Accident - car. I'm not, not, ent- entir- entirely entirely sure. I didn't know - I didn't think. I am so scared, Britt. I just wish - and Hey! Oh, my God! Wha- wha- what do I do? I just - my heart hurts, and and and my, um, my head. She's dead." I breathe in and out, trying to ground my thoughts but it doesn't help. Santana might know what to tell me. "Where's, where's San?"
"Hey, babe." Britt is always a considerate person and her kindness washes over me through the phone. "Okay. I know you're scared. I know - she's about to come out of the shower but right now you're all I have so."
"I'm scared," I repeat.
"Yes, I know," she says.
"I think they gave me something, Britt-" I feel my breathing slow down.
"Okay. That's good. Yes. Breathe in, breathe out." She talks to someone else and then is back to me, "Okay, Rach, honey. Listen to me. You're okay. You're alive."
That comment is all that it takes for my agony to surface again. "But Hey is dead! My friend, Brr-" I can't finish my sentence with the tears overwhelming me.
"Yes, I know. But just try to focus on the positive."
The positive being that my friend died next to me?
I close my eyes and try to push away this feeling from within me - this feeling that I just witnessed someone's life being taken. The next thing Britt says is, "I'm going to hand Santana the phone, alright?"
"Okay," I mumble.
"Okay. Love you. Remember to breathe."
There's chatter on the other side of the phone as I remember to breathe.
In a hurry, Santana grabs the phone and says, "Rach? Are you okay?" Her tone is concerned.
I nod, then realize she can't hear me nodding, and respond, "yes, I'm... alive."
"What happened?" Santana asks.
"I was with Hey and we got in a car accident..." I don't want to say the next words but I have to. "She's... gone."
Santana asks me, "where's Kurt? Blaine? What about Jesse? Or Mike and Tee, Mercedes or Sam? Go be with someone, please. Until you come to Lima tomorrow."
I feel the fight leave my body as tears slowly begin to pour again, "I'm going to stay for a funeral, San."
"Oh, right. Well, we'll see you here after the funeral?"
"Yes, of course I'll be there."
"Okay, sweetie." Santana says.
"Would you mind," I ask, slowly, still trying not to break down again, "staying on the phone with me for a while?"
"Yes, of course. Do you want me to -"
"Would you put me on speakerphone? I just want to be around as many friends as possible."
Santana reassures her, "Yes. I can put us on speakerphone and you just talk to the three of us until you get home. You promise Mike is at home with Tina right?"
With the mention of three, I have to imagine that Quinn is with them, but I need to make sure. Just knowing that there's a possibility she's around gives me hope because she can always make me feel safe, no matter what. "Three of you?" I ask.
To which Santana responds, "oh yeah. Um, Britt, me and Quinn... Yes. We're actually at her -"
"Could I talk to her, actually?" It just comes out. I wish I had the power to stop something like this, this need of her when I'm sad but I honestly don't even care right now. I just want to feel better already.
"Oh. Okay." I hear her tell Quinn, "she wants to talk to you."
As soon as I hear Quinn on the line I'm embarrassed and regret asking for her. I feel childish. I should have just called my dads. "I'm sorry," I say on the other side. "I'm so -so sorry I, I, I asked to talk to you. I know," sniffle - "I can't ask this of you because we're not together but just - hearing your voice relaxes me."
"Hey," she says quietly. "It's okay. I'm glad I could be of any assistance."
I try to reason it, "I'm su-sure you had better things to do." I am positive that I am back to sobbing, because just at Quinn's soft 'Hey' I'm reminded me of the girl who was breathing not even an hour ago.
"I have nowhere else to be other than right here, right now, with you," She tells me. I believe her, because she's Quinn and also because I need something to hold on to right now. "How are you holding up?" She asks. "I - I mean, are you hurt?"
I sigh, trying not to compare my luck with Hey's. "I only have a cut on my left leg but it doesn't even hurt right now."
"Rach," Quinn says, as if tasting my name in her tongue. "I'm so glad -" She stops herself. I don't know what she was going to say, but I have an idea. Instead, she says, "I'm just very happy you're alright."
"I don't know how to feel," I admit.
"Have you told your dads about this yet?" I ask, "I'm sure they'd be more than okay in coming there to be with you."
Probably, she's right. They are very supportive parents and they would hate to know that I'm going through such a moment without them. "No, I haven't. They didn't answer when I called," I tell her. "But I - don't want to worry them."
"They have the right to know," she tells me. "And, if you want -" she hesitates before saying it, "If you want, I could come back to be with you." The wording - it touches my heart in a way that I know it shouldn't, because she means it like a friend. I should know that.
As much as I would love to have her here, I say, "that's okay, Quinn. You don't have to worry about me."
The way she sighs on the other side lets me know that she does worry. I start crying again because I don't know what else to do in this moment. I think back to the first time I met Hey and how well we got along. And then I feel like scum for not treating her any better the entire duration of our... fling? "But I do, Rach." Quinn says and I can almost see her putting her fingers to the bridge of her nose. "I really do. Please, what can I do to make you feel better?"
"Um," I sob. I can't really think. My mind is fuzzy at the moment. I lay back and breathe, "I think - just this is nice."
The movement stops and I come to the conclusion we must be at the hospital. "Hey, I'm at the hospital." I tell Quinn.
"I'm not going anywhere," she says.
I don't think they're extremely worried about my conditions or they would have had me strapped to the stretcher. When they open the doors for me, two men in green help me off and tell me they're going to be good to me.
They check my vitals and confirm the paramedic's prognosis on the field - it's only a cut to the left leg but I will be fine. They give me some painkillers and relaxants so I can stop crying. Time doesn't feel like it's passing, but I know it does because Santana's name is still on my screen and the minutes keep increasing. We're not talking. She's literally just on the other side of the call, listening to see if I'll speak to her first, needing anything.
The doctor that's taking care of me tells me they were finally able to reach my parents and explain what happened. She also tells me that they're already on their way to the airport to catch the first flight out. I do feel relief when I hear they're coming and start crying again.
Kurt comes in through the doors looking frantic. I assume someone else must have told him - Britt or Santana because I sure didn't. Blaine and Sam follow soon behind. When I see them, I drop my head and start bawling again.
Nobody says anything as Kurt holds me on the chair. He simply lets me rest my head on his shoulder and cry. Sam and Blaine stand further back, watching with sullen faces. They're worried but I can tell they're relieved I'm okay.
When Kurt and I pull away from each other he tells me, "Britt called. God, Rachel. I'm so happy-" He doesn't finish the sentence. He pulls me in again and whispers in my ear, "you scared the shit out of us." He gives me a feeble smile and says, "I'm- so so sorry, babe."
"I -" I try to tell him - tell them - thank you for coming to be with me, but I can't get the words out. I'm just too exhausted.
"Here," he says, "Let's get you home, okay? Mike is already getting everything ready for you. He wanted to come but I told him it'd be best if he and Tee made you some soup instead. How does that sound?"
I nod, crying into his sweater. I hope I'm not messing it up. "I'm sorry-" I manage to mumble and pat his shoulder.
He chuckles, not really worried, "it's okay, honey. Don't you worry about my sweater."
"I -" remember Quinn. I bring the phone to my ear, "Quinn." I say as if it's the first time I'm talking to her tonight.
She comes back to me almost instantly, "Hi," she says softly. "Did I hear Kurt's voice?"
He has his hand in my elbow, guiding me, and Blaine is holding me on the other side. I'm not stumbling when I walk, but I feel weak from crying. Sam is walking fast ahead of us to get into the car.
"Yes, the boys are here," I inform her. There are tears at bay already because now that I'm thinking about this, home is a bit far from this specific hospital, and I don't want to be inside a car when I just got into an accident. I totally trust Sam but - it's still frightening. I stop walking, making Blaine and Kurt stop with me. "There's - well, I."
"Breathe, Rach." Quinn reminds me.
"I'm don-"
My phone starts vibrating in my hand and I pull it away to check. "Quinn, it's my Dad," I tell her. "I have to go." I'm regretful that this is how we had to talk in the first place, but I'm very thankful that Santana and Britt were with her when I called.
"Okay," She says. "I will be thinking of you and - I'm sorry I couldn't do much else from here."
She doesn't know how much she does for me when she simply stops to listen to what I'm saying. She's great. "You did everything."
My dads show up that same night, a couple of hours after I make it home.
Everybody else is there too, hanging out, because they don't want me to be alone.
Santana keeps texting me, asking if I want her to come back for me but I assure her she doesn't have to since I have so many people with me.
Mike goes to Tina's for the night. I think he wants to give my parents and I some space, and I appreciate him for it since this was his apartment first.
"Are you going to be okay tonight, baby girl?" Daddy asks from the door to my room. He pushes up the glasses on his nose and arches an eyebrow. "If you want, I could sleep on your floor -"
"It's alright, daddy," I reassure him. "I'll... be fine.
Convinced, he isn't, but he respects my decision anyway and goes back to the living room where we tried to make it as comfortable as possible for them. I wanted to rent a hotel room for them, and then I insisted in giving up my bed, but they declined both. They want to be as close as possible to me, and they want me to sleep in a familiar place tonight.
I probably won't sleep.
Sleep eventually came, but it was early in the morning - almost six when I actually succumbed to it. I'm exhausted, and I can feel that even as I'm asleep. It's a weird sensation, knowing how tired you are when you're out cold.
I hear my parents in the kitchen, softly talking about the accident. I can hear certain words that give them away but I try not to think about it. I'm supposed to be sleeping. I will my brain to shut off again but it doesn't.
I open my eyes and check my clock: eight. That's better than I thought. My eyes close again and I feel tears start to run down my cheek.
I wonder what Hey would be doing if she were alive right now. I try to fathom she's no longer here, but it doesn't make me feel any better - it only confuses the shit out of me.
The next thing I do is check my phone: 4 calls from Santana, 1 from Britt, 1 from Quinn, and 15 messages from various friends. I turn it off and roll toward the wall.
When my door opens, it creaks. It's the only reason why I open my eyes again.
My head feels heavy, my heart feels heavier.
I don't turn, but the feeling I get is overwhelming.
I know who's here, because I can feel her presence when she's around. "Quinn," I say and turn, just in time to feel her loop her arms around my waist and pull me in for a hug.