LISA'S DECISION
**A/N: Are you ready to be thrown for a loop? This short one-shot will have you thinking a myriad of things until we drive your brain into knots!
**SPECIAL NOTE: For best results, read while under the influence of a hallucinogenic drug. J-K!
***ENJOY THE FANFIC! BY THE WAY, I DON'T OWN THESE CHARACTERS, JUST THE COMPUTER I WROTE THIS ON. YEAH. YOU CAN READ THE FANFIC NOW. I'M DONE.**
"Lisa! Milhouse is here to pick you up!" Mom called from downstairs. It was out third date this week, and probably not the last.
After outgrowing my 'Milhouse is disgusting' stage, and my 'Milhouse, quit stalking me' stage, I decided that he was a swell guy, and we've been dating ever since. I've also let him do…other things, but I haven't told him the newest secret of mine. I haven't told Mom or Dad, and Bart doesn't speak to me since I pointed out an error in his file that made him have to repeat the eighth, ninth, and tenth grades, so…it's just me and you, whoever you are, sitting at home in front of your computer, reading fanfics written by pathetic authors or just people with no life. The secret I will inform you of is that I, Lisa Simpson, the 'golden child', the smart girl, accidently let Milhouse impregnate her, and now I have to decide just what I want to do about it.
On the current date I had with Milhouse, I decided to keep it simple, but he immediately wanted to drive to our spot and make out. I decided to go, just because you can only get pregnant once until you have the baby. As we were doing it, he brought up my absent menstrual cycle. I nodded and he pulled out and looked at me.
"Lisa, I might not be as smart as you, but I'm not stupid. How many months along are you?" he asked. I froze.
You see, I thought about it over the greasy hamburger and the greasy shake Milhouse bought me for diner: telling him could either change him for the better or change him for the worse. You see, Milhouse isn't an ignoramus, and he tries to live up to this standard, but much too hard for any of you readers can understand. Now, telling Milhouse I'm not pregnant just a little late could make his responsibility kick in, but if I tell him and he's the good type it could send our relationship in an entirely different direction. This is why I have lied to you, readers. Milhouse and I only date off and on, meaning that I likely conceived months ago, just didn't notice. Telling him could scare him away completely, but these are the scenarios I have to consider while I am in fact playing with the plot and making you decide with me, but truly, this is not very fun.
So, scenario number two is what I give you: what if I'm not really pregnant, just missing a few periods, and I tell no one. Then, if there is a baby, it's my little secret…like in the other scenarios. Oh, this is too hard! No one is here for me to talk to at all! Except…Milhouse. I have to talk to Milhouse, or else I'll be all alone, but…no. I can't. What if he takes it the wrong way? What if he goes off the deep end and dumps me and leaves me as a single mother who will live with her parents for the rest of her life? What it…oh, the possibilities are endless! Wait, I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back…
ten minutes later
Oh, Aunt Flow, I missed you! Oh god I missed you! I'll never make this mistake again! Oh, yes! Thank you Lord of All Things! Thank you! Thank you!
Wait…a page of research is stuck between these two pages. I missed this when constructing my database. It says here that…I could have vaginal bleeding similar to a period when in fact it is not. I might still be having a baby by Milhouse!?! I can't do this! I have to know!
"MOM! I'M BORROWING THE CAR!" I screamed downstairs. Sorry readers, but I'll be back in…twenty minutes.
an hour, fourteen minutes, and thirty-seven seconds and counting later
This can't be. It simply can't be. All the evidence points to a nine-month-old present, yet this test gives me this answer. I must try again. I have to be sure this is right! I know! I'll go to that center up the road. They'll give me the answers I need in the form of a blood test.
"MOM! I'M BORROWING THE CAR AGAIN!" I screamed downstairs. Be right back.
one day, four hours, sixteen minutes, and ten seconds and counting later
I'm back, and…
I WAS RIGHT! I can make innocent readers fall for my shit! HA! I'm only seven, I can't get pregnant! And Milhouse isn't even ready to do it yet! HA HA HA HA HA!
But wait…another piece of evidence missing from my scenario. Hormones have caused people to conceive at a much earlier today, even as young as seven? But this can't possibly be! What else have I not covered? Nothing. Good. I thought I was about to rip my hair out again.
But seriously, this is only a mere trial. I wanted to know how many scenarios existed for a girl/woman if she were to get pregnant or miss a period. I'm not done counting yet, but it sure threw you for a loop! HA! That's what you get for reading this! HAAAAA!
Now, I'm done. Being pregnant with Milhouse's baby drains me. Yes, I'm thirty-seven, and I am married to Milhouse. Guess what number I'm on? 2 Higher. 4 Higher. 7? HIGHER! I give up We are working on number eighteen.
And this is why pregnancy isn't beautiful: people take it too far. It's done now, and just like in the show, none of this really happened. The end.