Disclaimer: I do not own the cartoons used within or Animal House.
Some of you may not like this chapter, if only for the fact that Danny, Zuko, Mai, and Jiraiya are all smoking pot in this chapter (and possibly doing something embarassing). If you don't like that idea, then I hope you leave now, because this chapter will bring you down sooo much.
Also, I must confess that of all four chapters so far, this is probably my least favorite because of how the Boon-Katy-Pinto pot smoking scene came out. I haven't seen the movie all that recently. I'm reading a transcript to get the dialogue for the fic, so for scenes I don't remember well (like said weed scene) you may notice it if they come out different since I'm relying on both memory and my own judgement of what the characters in the movie would say to sort things out. I'd like to think I get most of Boon's lines right, since I am, after all, the biggest Boon fan I know. But I could be wrong.
Zuko's posture suggested a moment of serious negotiation. This was a terribly important situation. Not to be taken lightly, oh hell no. Mai was the one could help him. Help him, Mai.
And Mai did really want to help him. But she wanted to help him in a different way than he was asking. You see, Mai thinks Zuko is wasting away slowly at his frat house. Much as Mai thinks Zuko's friends are fun (and they are), she also thinks they would be better in moderation. Mai knew that Zuko was exiled from his home nation after defying his controlling and volatile father, resulting in the burn on his eye and a need to deface his warlord father, which in turn resulted in him being at Chihiro House. Mai thought Zuko was very smart and needed to be doing something good with his talents like planning wars, being head of a prison, inventing new forms of torture to slip under the country's interrogation regulations for that kind of thing, leading an army of the state's best and scariest soldiers (we're talking bloodthirsty killers here), or maybe he could go into politics. Just so long as it didn't. Involve. Tons of. PARTYING.
Kids rushed by Zuko to get to Point B as he spoke. They were outside on a lovely autumn day. The grass was green but piles of leaves were orange, red and brown. "I want you to fix Bedussey up. But it has to be a very special girl." He paused, putting his pale hand to his equally pale chin in thought. "She should be decent-looking, but we'll trade looks for…" Another pause. "… a certain kind of morally casual attitude."
Mai nodded in understanding, posture straight, face apathetic. "Someone he can screw on the first date."
"Well put. Bedussey's a virgin." Zuko agreed.
"Hey! Right here!" Danny cut in. But he was completely ignored.
Mai led them up to a little house with little foliage to meet Jiraiya. Mai was about to open it without knocking before she turned to the two boys and said. "Now, don't do anything stupid. This guy's the only competent teacher in the whole school." She opened the door. "He's actually a good teacher."
Jiraiya stood up from his couch and nodded in thanks to Mai and smiled. "Teaching pays the rent until I finish my novel."
"How long have you been working on it?" Danny asked.
"Four and a half years."
"Must be pretty good!"
"It's a piece of shit." He had a straight face. "But let me tell you something, the research I do makes it all worth it!" Now he had a slightly evil smile.
Naïve, adorable little Danny smiled. "What kind of research do you do?"
"Let's smoke some weed." Mai interrupted.
---
"You ever smoked before?" Jiraiya asked Zuko. The eccentric professor had taken a few puffs himself of pot.
Zuko nodded once.
"When did you ever smoke pot?" Mai queried.
"I've done a lot of things you don't know about it."
"Like mastur-"
"I won't go schizo, will I?" A slightly nervous Danny looked at the blunt, unsure what to do with it. Then he looked at Jiraiya.
"It's a distinct possibility."
He put it towards his mouth, then took it away and gave it another look, then put it back to his mouth. "Like this?"
"Try not to drool on it so much."
---
Minutes later…
The room was filled with the horrible, grating sounds of two high boys singing "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas. Danny and Zuko were quite enjoying their impaired selves. Jiraiya was plenty high, he was just too busy smoking more (he had much more of a resistance) to join in. Mai was a cool high, though. She was just sitting quietly, no different than usual, watching Zuko act totally un-Zuko-ish and wondering if maybe there was less to Zuko than she thought…
---
"Okay! That means that…" Danny rambled, eyes glazed, white tee a little lopsided. "Our whole solar system could be, like...
Jiraiya finished for him. "One tiny atom in the fingernail of some other giant being."
Dany paused, then looked slightly panicked. "This is too much!"
Jiraiya just nodded, knowledgeable enough to not be fazed by this shocking theory but understanding enough to identify with Danny's being overwhelmed.
"That means… one little, tiny atom in my fingernail could be… one little universe…" Danny looked at his finger in amazement.
Silence, then-
"Can I buy some pot from you?!"
----------
Tucker tried in vain to give Robin's motorcycle more gas. He would yelp in fear whenever he would accidentally bump the mirror, nudge the wheel with his foot, smudge the polishing job he had done, or even go so far as to knock it over (sin of sins! Mistake of mistakes!). It was well into the night, but he was still stuck here doing whatever came to Robin's mind that would "help Tucker build character".
And whenever Tucker would bring the gas pump to Robin's precious motorcycle, he would fumble or not put it in right, and once he even got a little static spark. I may start a fire and then Robin will KICK MY ASS and I'll be expelled and maybe thrown in prison and possibly drawn and quartered!
The motorcycle's engine roared out of nowhere. Startled, Tucker screamed and threw the pump over his head, darting backwards.
Fear of fears, Robin appears. Due to his dragging earlier, a neck brace and ugly purple facial bruise accessorized his usual military attire (which was black tonight) and eye mask. "Give me that!" He snatched the gas pump. Then, Robin bent down to his prized bike's pump and transferred the fuel into the motorcycle (using his mouth, of course. What? Isn't that how you do it?). "Yeees. Baby. It's all right." He was cooing to the thing now. After a minute or so of oral refueling, he stood up and grabbed Tucker's shoulder in obsessed bossiness. "FOLEY! What kind man hits a defenseless vehicle?! I've got a good mind to smash those glasses of yours." Then he tightened his grip and leaned his face towards his victim's. "Listen up, you nauseating pile of sidekick. Your days are numbered at Miyazaki. You and all your sick Chihiro buddies. In the meantime, your ass belongs to me. NOW DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY!"
"But-"
"TITANS, GO!" Robin barked. Tucker yelped in fear again and jumped down and did pushups while Robin turned his poisonous attention back to his bike. "Come here, baby. Cutie-pie…"
Little did Robin notice the two bodies darting about between the gas station's shop and the pumps. Really weird how he didn't notice, actually, considering one was made of metal (making tons of noise) and one was very obese. And considering that Robin was a trained superhero. But enough about that now.
Robin shouted one more order to Tucker. "I want this bike filled up by tomorrow, YOU GOT THAT?"
"Y-y-yes sir!"
On that note, Robin marched off. Just as he had disappeared, turning at the far off end of the nearly deserted street, a weary Tucker's personal space was invaded! He yelped one more time as he was grabbed by the shoulder by weird-even-by-Chihiro-standards, robotic Chihiro house member Bender. Peter Griffin jumped beside him.
"Brother Bender! Brother Peter!" Tucker said in shock. Relief? Fear? Arousal? Maybe. We'll have to wait and see...
"Hey, you hate that crazy asshead?" Bender demanded of Tucker.
"Who?" Tucker gasped out.
"Robin! You hate his guts!" Peter supported Bender.
"I guess so-"
"You GUESS so?!" Bender shouted in his face.
"Yes, I hate him! I hate his guts!"
Bender had calmed down, but maybe he just hadn't had a beer in an hour or so. "You know, at Chihiro, we have an old saying: 'Don't get mad, get even'!"
----------
Fifteen or so minutes later, Bender, Peter, and Tucker had dragged the motorcycle across Miyazaki College's green lawns (now decorated with lovely tire tracks), through the doors, across three hallways, up a staircase, through another door, and now they were in a room. But it wasn't just any room. This well-furnished room that smelled of lemon furniture polish and charred wood was Dean Father's office. It was empty when they came in.
"Nice bikey. Let's go." Tucker coaxed the hesitant motorcycle as he pushed it in inside the office. Then he stood in the doorway and smiled with childish glee, all worked up. "She's in there! Boy, this is GREAT!"
"Yeah, this reminds me of the time I assassinated Julius Caesar!"
---
(In Peter's mind…)
Julius Caesar sat, toga and all, at his long table, eating a lovely Roman dinner (keep an eye on that toga, you never know when it'll pop up again).
Peter, in a bigger toga, jumped out of the closet behind him. "YAAAAHHHH!"
"AAAAGH!" Julius screamed.
Then silence.
Peter looked at him. "I expected this to go better. Wasn't I supposed to have a dagger or something?"
The leader looked at him in a shocked way. "You idiot, Brutus! You call that an assassination attempt?! I've seen four year olds do better, why, I bet this lamb I'm eating could do a better-" THUNK. His leadershippy head hit the table. He was dead, killed by a poison in his lamb.
Peter looked at him, then smiled. "Heeh-heh-heh, heeh-heh-heh…" His trademark Peter Griffin laugh reverberated through the halls of the Roman palace. "They'll name a salad after you."
---
(Out of Peter's mind! Come out from under the blankets now!)
"Now finish it, Dipwad!" Bender smacked a pack of highly explosive cherry bombs into Tucker's hand and a lighter. "You know where to put 'em, right?"
"Are you kidding?! I've never set off fireworks in my life!"
"I thought you hated Robin's guts!"
"I do."
"And that motorcycle! Is there anything you hate more in the world than that motorcycle?"
Tucker looked at the fireworks.
"Get it over with."
Tucker breathed in deeply, as if there was as much courage in the air as oxygen. Then he nodded, determined, and went into the office.
As the door closed, Peter looked at Bender. "Those are just sparklers, right?" Bender nodded. Sparklers didn't look anything like cherry bombs, but Tucker, who had just admitted to never having set off fireworks before, probably wouldn't be able to tell.
Inside the office, the chopper's engine was on. It seemed to growl at Tucker. Tucker flinched, shaking, nervous. Would he do it? COULD he do it?! Where did the fireworks go? Why didn't they turn the thing off?! WHY WON'T IT SHUT UP?!
Tucker lit them in a hurry, spun around, shouted, and threw the fireworks into the dean's cabinet, which displayed a multitude of plaques and other certificates of education achievement.
Bender and Peter were giggling at their ruse… until an explosion went off and smoke went to the ceiling.
Bender and Peter came bursting into the room where a very shocked Tucker was standing. Robin's motorcycle was on its side, a small fire on it.
"HOLY CRAP!" Peter shouted.
"Those were just sparklers!" Bender shouted.
"I didn't even throw it at the bike!" Tucker shouted.
"HOLY CRAP!" Peter again.
"Those WERE just sparklers!" Bender noticed the cabinet's small light show.
"Maybe the motorcycle had a heart attack!" Obviously the events of the night had gotten to Tucker.
They all paused and looked at each other before doing what they considered the best way to handle the situation…
The three guys ran, screaming their heads off, barely stopping to breathe as they tore down the hallway. They hollered in fear and panic as they quickly lumbered down the stairs and through the hallway, Peter randomly grabbing a fire extinguisher out of a glass case (breaking the case) and trying to ram Bender over the head with it, all while still shouting. They ran across the torn up courtyard and went 'agh agh agh' all the way to Chihiro House.