A/N: SORRY!!! PLEASE don't kill me! I currently enjoy life! I have plans for this story, I'm sorry. This was completely necessary, and while I can't be positive, I think you are going to like where it's going. Just give me a chance, and please keep reading. And also, REVIEW! I would love it if you would review!!! Pretty please with vampire Edward on top? Or just chocolate and sugar and a whole bunch of other sweet things for you Jacob fans? (meh. Jacob. I didn't say that...) Oh, and the most awesome review goes to... Aeieo!

Time, which had been so stressful for me before, now didn't matter at all. I could no longer feel it passing, and I had no clue how long it had been. Edward and I ignored each other is school, and we only talked when it was necessary. I focused all my seemingly non-existent energy on Alice and trying to make her feel better. It was difficult and a lot of my energy instead went to my will-power to stay away from Edward. I had to constantly remind myself of the reason I left him in the first place. The hardest part was that Alice disagreed with this. But I knew it still bothered her, so I didn't do what I wanted most.

"Isabella Swan!" Alice yelled into the phone. "What the hell do you think you're doing?! Are you insane?! Have you lost your mind?!"

I answered with a meager "yes."

"What are you thinking?! What happened? Did he do something to upset you, because I'll hurt him if he did."

"No, Alice. He's perfect. It's not his fault. It's mine, this was all my decision."

"Well because of you, Edward is yelling at me. He kept pounding on my door yelling that it was all my fault. He wouldn't say anything else, and now he won't talk to me. Or come out of his room...." I gasped, my heart hurting slightly, my head throbbing painfully from a stress induced head-ache. "And I don't think he will forgive me either," she sighed. "This is just great, everything is going wrong. Why did you break his heart, Bella?" she asked me.

"For you. To make you feel better," I said softly and then hung up the phone. I couldn't talk to anyone about this.

I tried not to let my mind wander too much, but I couldn't help it sometimes.

My body was betraying me. It didn't seem to work as well anymore. Everyday, I had to tell myself not to run to Edward-- not to fling myself at him when I was near him.

Chemistry was especially difficult, sitting so near him. We ignored each other, only talking when necessary. Our whole day as spent like this.

I went out of my way to avoid eye contact and he no longer sat with us in the morning. I felt like I had ruined his life. He was avoiding everyone else because of me.

Alice never mentioned it again after the day she yelled at me. She seemed happier-- she was mad at me for it, but I could tell she felt better because of it. Even if she didn't want to admit it and denied it in her mind, some deep, sub-conscious part of her felt better and I knew why. She felt as if jasper had abandoned her, hadn't chosen her, and she felt unwanted. I chose her-- my best friend-- over her brother-- my boyfriend-- and so she felt wanted, like she was chosen first. She knew it was wrong, but she's only human and that's how she thinks. She felt bad about it, guilty. She knew it was wrong, but that couldn't change her hidden feelings. She talked to Angela about this and Ang told me.

Angela wasn't the same as Alice and she kept trying to push me back towards Edward. One time we were at Alice's house and Edward had been in his room doing his homework.

"You're both idiots! You morons! Don't you get it?! You two are made for each other! Why are you two being so blind and stupid?!" Angela ranted at me, knowing that Edward could hear her upstairs.

"You know, this isn't making me feel any better, Ang," I told her.

"I don't care!" she yelled. "You would feel better if you would stop being so dumb!"

"I did it for Alice."

"I know, Bella," she sighed, suddenly quiet and defeated sounding.

"Thank you," Alice said meekly.

I scolded myself for letting my mind wander again. I would never feel any better if I kept letting this happen. Deep down though, I didn't know if I would ever feel better.

Trying to distract myself, I turned on the radio. School was now out and we were on break, making it harder for me because there was more time in the day open for my mind to ignore me and my thoughts to roam freely. I had always disliked breaks, but this one was terrible. I needed something to occupy my mind, something to keep my thoughts in a specified place, not running wild. The holidays had lost their cheer, and I was in no mood to celebrate.

I was grateful that Charlie had never really into celebrating; we never did anything major.

The holiday music floated through the air, but it did nothing to raise my spirits. I curled into my bed, shivering. As the lyrics swirled in my brain, I thought of Edward, defeating the purpose of the music but still numbing my brain with pain.

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree

I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish, oh I wont even wish (I wont even wish for snow)
I'm just gonna keep on waiting underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it to the North Pole for St Nick
Won't even stay awake to hear the magic reindeer play

Cause I just want you here tonight,
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Oh baby all I want for Christmas is you, oh baby

Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm askin for
I just want to see my baby standing right outside my door

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you, you, its you, you, oh baby
All I want is you
You, you, you, you, you

EPOV

I used anger to cover up the pain I felt that had surfaced when Bella said 'goodbye'. I couldn't deny that I cared about Bella and with her gone, it hurt. I knew that she cared for me as well, and that's the part that was killing me. Maybe I was stupid for not fighting for her, but currently I was trying to respect her wishes. If you cared about someone, you had to be able to let them go-- or so I'd heard, and I was trying to do that.

I hope Alice feels better because of my misery, I thought bitterly. I took a deep breath, attempting to calm my thoughts, and I thought of Bella. I turned the radio on, wishing I was with Bella.

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is you


I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need
And I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking way above the fireplace
Santa Clause will make me happy with a toy on Christmas day
And I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Oh baby all I want for Christmas is you, you baby

Cause I just want you here tonight,
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Oh baby all I want for Christmas is you, oh baby

Oh our lives are shinin' surrounding everywhere
Where the sounds of children's laughter fills the air
And everyone is singin' oh I hear those sleigh bells ringin'
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need
Won't you bring back my baby to me

I missed Bella desperetly, and the holidays couldn't be happy without her. I thought of how I had hoped to do things with her over the break, but now that wasn't going to happen. I hated this so much. And it was all Alice's fault.

I knew it wasn't really, but I couldn't help but thinking that, and I took my anger out on her. I wasn't angry at Bella, wasn't sure if I ever could be, and I think I was more angry at myself. I felt as if there could have been something I could have done to stop her. Maybe if I had been a better boyfriend, or possibly a better brother, then this wouldn't have happened.

I realized how masochistic I must have been to keep thinking about it, but it wouldn't leave my mind and it was all I could do to function properly, with my head so stuffed with her words. I also often replayed Alice's words when she had been mad at Bella, but I continued to think it was somehow my fault.

I knew there was a way to end my pain, but I figured this was the best (well, worst) choice. What I need to do is talk to Bella, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't stop thinking that she might hate me for it, and that she needed to make her own decision. I was trying to do things her way, and it was incredibly hard.

'What ifs' ran through my mind constantly too. What if I went over there right now and told her how I felt about this? What if I had told her then? What if I had comforted her more that day? What if I had helped Alice out more, opened my eyes to see that she was hurting that much and maybe stopped this?

I wanted to know, but knew I never would. Now, I pondered over why I was feeling so much pain in Bella's absence. How much did I care for her? I had never thought of this before, and had never really felt the need. God, why didn't I just go over there right now?

I punched my pillow. I was so stupid. Why was I hurting myself like this when I could stop it? Human nature rebels against pain, so what was my problem? I could stop this. But I wouldn't.

This is for Bella. This is what Bella wants, I told myself. No it isn't. It's what she thinks she wants and you can change that. I pulled the pillow I had just beat up over my head, trying to shut my thoughts up. What was I going to do?