Disclaimer: I do not own the cartoons used within or Animal House.
On a cliché lookout point, in the romantic dark of night, a red convertible was parked in the middle of an otherwise deserted dirt road… the perfect environment for reaching third base. Tonight's players are Jean Grey and Scott Summers.
Jean's leaned in toward Scott in a romantic fashion. We can't see her arms. "Oh, Scott, look! It's a star. Let's make a wish." If Jean was any cheesier, she'd be a life-size statue made of Parmesan. "Star light, star bright-"
"Wait a minute. That's not a star. It's moving too fast." Scott shot Jean down. "It's probably a jet… they can really move across the sky."
Jean paused. "Is anything happening yet? My arm's tired."
"I'm sorry, Jean. That thing with the Chihiros has me a little distracted. God knows they've molested women…"
Jean turned her face away from Scott so he wouldn't notice her rolling her eyes. Obviously she had gone through this before. She turned back to Scott. "Anything?"
"…Maybe a little faster."
"…How's that?"
"Yes." Then, it started to look like maybe Scott was going to give it a rest. "That Pietro Maximoff's lucky he's not in jail." Ohhh, so sorry, Jean!
"I'll say." Jean halfheartedly agreed.
"What?" Scott turned away from the dark, cool sky to face her. "You'll say what?"
Jean knitted her eyebrows in confusion. "…I'll say what?"
Scott huffed. "You said 'I'll say' when I said 'he should be in jail'. I'm trying to figure out-"
"Scott, if you're not even going to try, I'm just going to stop!" Jean said indignantly. She yanked off her glove.
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Mr. Crocker, a teacher, was photocopying the tests he planned to give tomorrow in the undecorated copy room. In his usual obsessive-compulsive manner, he made copies of the answer key, too. With a bitter, I-hate-my-job look on his face, he threw out the original copy, another stupid and pointless move in his odd way of doing things. The hateful little man stalked off, clutching his copies, mumbling something about fairies.
Minutes later, Beast Boy walked in and, in a couple swift movements, picked the discarded answer key out of the trash can and replaced with a similar looking piece. One wonders why.
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Bender stood in front of a metal garbage can, one of many, searching through it. It was mostly paper. They were in back of some buildings on Miyazaki College campus. Before Bender made any sign of finding anything of worth, Peter Griffin popped up, throwing open the top of the dumpster he was rummaging through. He handed a sheet of paper to Bender.
Bender looked it over. "That's it!"
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Mr. Crocker didn't bother to walk around his classroom to make sure his students weren't copying each other's answers. He was too busy grading other papers at his desk, the only bright moments of his day being when he was able to write a big, pretty, red 'F' at the top of the page.
Good thing, too. If he did get up, he quickly would have noticed that every Chihiro House member in there (every single upperclassman in the same class. Coincidence? Yes, let's go with that!) had matching little slips of paper in their sleeves (all of them had made sure to wear long sleeves to cover the answers that had been photocopied onto these papers for them).
However, Robin and some other random Omega (you could tell he was an Omega; dead behind the eyes) exchanged an evil, triumphant grin. Not only did they notice, they knew...
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Pietro said his goodbye on his cell phone (stolen cell phone), then clicked the button to hang it up and shoved it in his pocket. He was seated on a secondhand couch in the living room of Chihiro House. As far as furniture went, the room was relatively empty; there were some other pieces of used furniture and a mini fridge. But most of the house's residents were seated in there, chattering. Everyone had a beer, which was always in abundance there. The wood floor cried out desperately for a polishing or waxing or one day without having people spill things on it
"She cancelled our date." Pietro said to Zuko. Pietro crossed his arms and looked mildly pissed.
"Washing her hair?" Zuko asked, face indifferent, voice slightly sarcastic.
"Dead mother," Pietro said as if this was an insult to him.
One may be wondering at this point in the story exactly how these two very different personalities became friends at all, let alone always together when it didn't involve Mai or Pietro's flirting with girls. Pietro was a fast-talking, rude jerk and Zuko was a brooding, moody jerk. Therefore, faced with the circumstances of being dormitory roommates and them both being without any other friends at the beginning of their college life, they developed an odd friendship together more out of desperation than anything else. Isn't that cute?
Double D burst into the room from outside. His eyes were slightly wild and full of nervousness, but no one was worried because Double D nearly always looked like that nowadays. "We're in trouble!"
No one responded. They were Chihiro House… they were always in trouble.
Double D ignored the fact that no one took him seriously. "I checked our grades! Our test answers were wrong!"
Zuko furrowed his brow in disbelief. "Every one?" Double D's tense expression was answer enough.
Pietro looked over to Bender and Peter, who were the ones assigned for finding the answer key sheet for their latest test in the trash. "Those assholes must have stolen the wrong fucking exam!"
Peter and Bender looked at each other in shock. But then they shrugged in an 'aw-what-does-it-matter' manner.
Before he could get up and start throwing a fit, the sound of slow footsteps was heard. Dean Father entered without knocking (okay, the door was open, but it wasn't meant to be a sign of welcome to him). At the sight of him, everyone scrambled to put their beer where he couldn't see it.
"Well, well, well. Looks like someone forgot there's a rule against alcoholic beverages in houses on probation!" Dean Father's presence created some heating in the room. With people like him, who needs a radiator?
"What a tool!" Pietro whispered to Zuko.
"WHAT WAS THAT?" Father demanded.
"I SAID what a shame…" Pietro sprang up off the couch. "That a few bad apples have to ruin the fun for the rest off us by breaking the ru-"
"Put a sock in it or you'll be out like shit through a goose!"
Pietro's body snapped back into a sitting position on the couch. "Yessir."
"Have you boys seen your grade point average?"
For once, Pietro had nothing to say.
"Have you?!"
Double D stepped in. "Uh, I h-have, sir." He forced a gap-toothed smile. "It's a little b-below par..."
"It's more than a little below par!" Father was glowing now. "It STINKS! It's the lowest on campus. It's the lowest in Miyazaki HISTORY!"
"You know, this house is made of wood." Coop pointed out.
Double D flinched and held up his hands in a motion to calm Father down. "Well, sir, we're hoping that our midterm grades will help our average."
Zuko snorted derisively.
"Laugh now, because you clowns have been on Double Secret Probation all semester."
"Double secret probation?" Pietro mouthed to Zuko, who shrugged.
Father continued. "That means one more slip-up… one more mistake…" He held up his fiery fingers threateningly. "One little spark gone in the wrong direction…" (Meanwhile, Double D was behind the couch having a nervous breakdown about the house burning down.) "And this fraternity of yours has HAD IT AT MIYAZAKI!" On this last intimidating note, Dean Father was satisfied that he had gotten enough young men to pee in their pants and left.
After Father closed the door behind him, the frat boys were silent as they listened to Father's footsteps going down their porch steps. As they slowly took out their beers from their hiding places, Pietro was the first to speak up (what a surprise). "That was pleasant! Nice of him to stop by."
"What an asshole," Zuko said. He made a halo of flame encircle his head and began talking in a poor mockery of Father's voice. "Oh, look. I'm Father. I hike my underwear up past my bellybutton. I still smoke tobacco from a pipe. I get angry over nothing and am ashamed of my ice cream addiction. Pa-thetic."
Double D interrupted Pietro as he came out from behind the couch. "We must do something! My voodoo dolls didn't work! He's serious this time! I think he knows about the exams!" His hat was pulled over his eyes in his own fear.
Zuko nodded. "He's right."
"YOU'RE RIGHT! We gotta do something!" Pietro was suddenly getting worked up as he darted off the couch and into the middle of the room.
"Absolutely," Zuko sat back and crossed his arms. He was just provoking Pietro now.
"Know what we gotta do?!" Pietro plopped back down on the couch and gave Zuko's shoulders a little shake.
Both Pietro and Zuko spoke in unison. But funny thing was, Pietro said "Toga party!" and Zuko said "Organized arson!"
Pietro faced Zuko. "What? No. What did I tell you? Toga party. Let's try this again. Know what we gotta do?"
"Toga party," the two said in unison.
Double D shook his head and hands. "No, we're on double secret probation! We can't afford a party! My therapist says my equilibrium hasn't come back yet since the last-"
"You guys up for a toga party?!" Pietro demanded of the roomful of guys, especially motioning towards Peter, who was impossible to stop once he got going.
A few of the guys cheered and Peter Griffin stood up. "Yeah, toga party! Toga… toga…"
Pietro stuck his tongue out at Double D. "Seeeee? They like the idea!"
"Pietro, please don't do this…"
Pietro jumped in front of Double D's face. "I got news for you, pal! They're going to nail us, no matter what we do! So we may as well have a good time!"
In the background, a slow chant of "Toga… toga…" had picked up speed. In seconds, there was loud, rapid chorus of "TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!"