Disclaimer: I do not own Animal House or the cartoons used within.
Sorry for the delay!! Whoops on my behalf.
In this chapter, meet Sam/Clorette!
I don't know exactly when this parody takes place chronologically, so no, I'm not entirely sure of how logical the presence of Zuko's energy drink is. No less logical than the presence of Boon's Unidentifiable Food Object in the original scene.
P.S. Speaking of Boon, it's Peter Riegert's birthday today. Happy birthday! I hope you get another worthy starring role someday!
Zuko inspected his overly caffeinated energy drink, as if suspecting someone had poisoned it. But that was probably because of the ingredients already in the neon green lab creation. Zuko was trying to decide if the (recommended to him by Pietro) drink's poor nutritional value, was worth the jolt. He's not even the jolty type of person. He plunked it down on top of the dryer in the Pickles Laundromat, where he was with Mai. "It's not going to be an orgy. It's a toga party."
"Honestly, you're a senior. In six months you graduate." Mai unenthusiastically dropped her clothes into the washer. The inside was now a menagerie of burgundy, dark crimson, and black. Zuko never recalled her wearing any other colors… maybe dark brown or gray. "Tomorrow night, you'll wrap yourself in a sheet and pour grain alcohol all over your head." Mai paused. Let's see, what sarcastic comment could she add onto the end this time? She had just recently used It's too depressing to think about. How about Will I be paying for bail again this time? No, she could use that another time. Did you pull that out of your ass or did Pietro retrieve it from that of his latest one-night stand? No, she didn't feel enthusiastic enough about this to bother to bring Pietro's tendencies into it. Oh, let's go simple. How about, "Cute, Zuko, but I think I'll have to pass this time."
Zuko took a sip of his energy drink, making a slight grimace. "What, you want me to go alone?"
Mai closed the lid on the washing machine and the water started. She rolled her eyes, then turned to Zuko. "I don't want you to go at all."
He stepped up to her and put an arm over her shoulder. "It's a fraternity party. I'm in the fraternity. How can I miss it?"
She smirked. "I'll write you a note. I'll say you're too well to attend."
"It's funny," Zuko took another sip of his drink, but left it on the dryer as he walked away. "Very funny." He thought better of it, and melted the drink into bubbling slag, damaging the dryer beyond repair.
Mai just rolled her eyes again.
--
Zuko arrived back at his familiar old Chihiro House. He stopped outside in front of the house, where Pietro, Danny, Tucker, Bender, an unfamiliar vehicle were. Zuko smiled at it. It looked War of the Worlds-ish, like a space alien ship. It had large, dark red metal center with a glass plate for a windshield. A few metal legs jutted out of the bottom and held it up. Tucker was frantically polishing the windshield and fiddling with the bottoms of the legs, worried about it falling over. Zuko whistled. "Where'd he get the, uh, thing?"
"From Dib," Danny said as Pietro, off to the side, stared at it hungrily, an idea forming behind his navy blue eyes. Danny continued. "It's a spaceship that belonged to a vengeful alien girl, and it landed in Dib's yard. Tucker's bringing his girlfriend up for the weekend and Dib's going to let him use it."
Pietro darted over to Tucker. "Dipwad, I am appointing you Pledge Representative of the Social Committee! Be honored!"
Tucker's eyes lit up as Pietro guided him over to the front (rear? Side? What's with this thing?!) of the ship. "Gee, thanks, Pietro!" Then a look of suspicion and worry flashed from behind his glasses. "Wait, what do I have to do?"
"Drive us to the Food King!" Pietro began to pry open the plate of glass, trying to open it, as Danny cheered with Pietro and Zuko just acknowledged the cheering. Bender backed away from the vehicle, which he was trying to pick through, maybe to sell some parts or maybe just to see how it worked. "FOOD KING!" Pietro shouted again for emphasis.
Tucker futilely begged them not to scratch it as the other three shoved themselves inside the alien vehicle with violent speed.
--
Pietro walked through an aisle of Food King. He whistled a harshly fast tune as Tucker struggled to keep up behind him. Pietro slowed only to grab a can of meatballs. He didn't really look at it, but he tossed it over his shoulder to Tucker, who thankfully grabbed it. Then Pietro grabbed a thing of chocolate syrup and tossed that, too. Tucker grabbed it. Then Pietro decided to step things up a bit. Next was a bag of marshmallows, a can of sugary maraschino cherries, a glass jar of olives. Tucker struggled to catch them all. Just when he succeeded, another onslaught! A thing of some kind of syrup (pomegranate, maybe?), a bottle of wine, a bag of chips, and something else – Pietro wasn't even paying attention anymore. "Pietro, please…!" he managed as he finally gave in and dropped half his armfuls of stuff. Pietro continued to throw things despite that they were just going any which way now.
Meanwhile, in the meat section, Zuko ripped open Danny's zip-up hoodie. Just as Danny was about to use a move he learned in his sexual harassment self-defense class (unisex!), Zuko reached from the refrigerated section and began to stuff packaged raw meat into it. Danny nervously laughed as a reaction, because he had honestly never been in this kind of situation before, nor had he ever hoped he would. "Uh, what are you doing?"
"Fixing your jacket," Zuko grumbled as he attempted to simultaneously stuff more meat into it and zip up the jacket. He finally got the zipper up. Danny's chest looked like it had tripled in size due to the meat... and it looked like he had four tits, none of which were in appropriate locations. Zuko gave the meat bulge a nod. "There you go. Keep them under there, and keep your sweater closed."
Danny looked around. "I could get in trouble-"
"That's right, so…" Zuko gave Meatbulge a pat. "Keep cool."
--
A pretty woman in her late thirties or early forties named Judy, dressed in her usual green dress and pearl necklace, looked over the vegetables (none of which, by coincidence, were named Judy). Her hair was of enormous proportions and it resembled antigravity fudge. Nonetheless, she was pretty for a slightly older woman, without excessive makeup or plastic surgery.
Pietro must have taken note of this. He walked up beside her at the cucumbers, grabbing one that was a bit larger than the one she was currently holding. "Mine's bigger than that."
"I beg your pardon?" She turned to him.
"My cucumber. It's bigger than that."
She turned away from him and back to the vegetables, which were suddenly of great importance, much more important than some desperate boy.
"Vegetables can be really sensuous, don't you think?" Pietro was just not quitting.
"No. Vegetables are sensual. People are sensuous."
"Imeanphallic," Pietro blurted, his words pushing together. He cleared his throat. "My name's Pietro Maximoff. They call me Quicksilver. It's my Chihiro name." he laughed heartily.
She ignored his slight outburst and addressed his second statement. "My name's Judy Neutron-Father, but they call me Mrs. Father."
Pietro laughed on the inside at her weird nickname, but put on an overacted 'wow-what-a-crazy-coincidence-no-way-eh-ma-gawd!' face. "Oh! We have a Dean Father at Miyazaki."
She mimicked his shock. "What a coincidence! I have husband named Dean Father at Miyazaki!"
Pietro bit his lip.
"You still want to show me your cucumber?"
--
Zuko quickly stepped through the otherwise empty checkout lane, not making eye contact with the Goth clerk, who was dressed in a midriff-revealing black shirt and black plaid skirt, plus black boots and hair. "Nothing for me today, thanks. Grocery stores are for commoners."
Danny also tried to make his way quickly through the checkout lane, but Meatbulge attracted too much attention.
The clerk grabbed him, popping gum. Black gum (ew!), the deathly smell of which washed over Danny like a foul wave. "It looks like you gained some weight since you came in here."
Danny looked to her, then to Meatbulge, then back to the clerk. "Uh, listen, it's a prank. I'm pledging a fraternity-"
"Don't have a pulmonary, I won't tell." She smiled and rolled her eyes.
A wide grin spread across Danny's face. "Thanks!"
--
Pietro was still making feeble attempts with Judy. He had tried Want to tickle my pickle? to keep up with the cucumber theme, but she either didn't get it or wanted him to think she didn't. "The Chihiro House is having a party tonight, and you are cordially invited."
She had to give a laugh at this. "I'm old enough to be your mother, almost. Besides, I have to go to the goddamn Senior Honors Dinner tonight." She practically spat her last words and rolled her eyes, knowing that someone should really change the title to Totoro Honors Dinner.
"Oh, well. Maybe some other time?"
"Doubtful."
Pietro smiled. "…Maybe?" How long had it been since Pietro heard "no"? Poor thing, poor thing.
--
Danny turned to the cute Goth clerk. "My name's Danny."
"I'm Sam."
So, if you're not busy, you wanna go to a fraternity party?"
"Will I be home by ten?"
"Anytime you want! I'll pick you up."
Sam rolled her eyes and scowled, revealing her black gum (ew!) again. "My dad would kill me if he knew I was going to a frat house (mygodIhatehim). Okay if I meet you there?"
"Is it okay?! It's terrif-" Danny's last syllable was cut off when a piece of Meatbulge fell out and he just barely caught it. He and Sam just laughed, but Meatbulge couldn't have been happy.