Danny pushed a shopping cart full of Sam down the street right off campus, glancing around to make sure nobody was watching, because if someone were to stop him and ask him questions, he would have noooo idea what to say. He stopped in front of Sam's McMansion, carefully wheeled her up to the front porch, and rang the doorbell. He ran away. Sam awoke from her inebriated sleep and looked around with a 'Hey! This is my house!' smile.
Mayor Adam West threw open the door. He saw Sam, who waved and giggled.
--
"My fault?! For chrissakes', West, how could it be my fault?!" He kept his pink-and-yellow robe wrapped around himself. It was bad enough that he had to deal with his drunken wife at this time of night, stumbling into their house and knocking things over, but now the mayor was on his case about his drunken daughter. "One of those goddamn fraternities, I guess… I don't know, but I have damn good idea which one!!" He would have lit something on fire by now to calm himself down, but they just got new wallpaper. "I'M GOING TO STRING THEM UP BY THE BALLS!" His wife Judy stuck her feet in his face, giggling at this, fancying herself the funniest person on Earth. He pushed her away and she fell off the bed. "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN!" The dean gave up and a cloud of warmth erupted around him.
Judy found this even funnier.
--
Trixie walked in the hallway towards the student courtroom. She flipped her hair back and glanced at the Miyazaki College Newspaper - a title that took the writing staff days to come up with - that her cheerleader friend Veronica was holding. Dean Father's wife was being sent to a relaxation resort, which the students took to mean rehab (they were right, of course) ever since word leaked of her sex scandal. Trixie let out a girly little sigh. "I bet it was Pietro Maximoff."
Veronica's cliché blue eyes widened. "Seee-riously? You heard that?!"
"Well, no…" Trixie admitted. "But you'd surprised at some of the girls he's had… very surprised…"
They passed Zuko and Mai, who were standing by their dark, antisocial selves a few feet away from the student courtroom, watching as students poured in. Mai observed Trixie and Veronica over her shoulder until they disappeared from view. She turned back to Zuko, a slight look of boredom on her face. "Must have been some party."
Zuko mirrored her look of apathy. "Unbelievable. A new low. I'm so ashamed."
"Almost sorry I missed it. What'd you do, human sacrifice?"
"That's a good idea, I'll keep it in mind. Couldn't hurt this place."
"You're right, it is a lovely day."
He finally smirked, letting her win. He stretched a bit. "Buy me dinner tonight?"
"Can't tonight. Busy." She quickly turned into the sort-of-courtroom.
Busy? Zuko mulled over it, his face turning sour as he angrily tugged a black blazer on over his black shirt and made his way across the courtroom. He yanked out a seat at a table at the front of the room, occupied already by Double D and Pietro. Double D was in a nice suit (with which his usual black sock-shaped hat clashed) and he waved over his briefcase. Pietro greeted him with a mock-sexual eyebrow raise. On their side of the courtroom, all the Chihiro House members sat in their awkward glory, a mass of hangovers and worn-once clothing.
The Totoro House members on the other side, with Robin, Beast Boy, and one with slicked black hair (identified as Reggie Mantle and as having no personality traits other than being a jerk), were sharply contrasting – neat little outfits with dry-cleaned blazers and pastels and good posture.
The two houses had little interaction, which was more noticeable than if they had tons. Occasionally a Chihiro would make a sneer or an obscene gesture at a Totoro, who would passive-aggressively make a show of ignoring it. Hate seemed to radiate out of either side towards each other and hang in the air like heat. It radiated out of a compost heap of buried memories of tattling for cheating and parties and drugs, tattling out of their own resentment or boredom or jealousy. Regardless, every day, every party, and every look added a new layer of resentment.
Scott Summers, in a three-piece suit, acted as a justice with a line of staff members (including Dean Wormer as head and Jean, preparing to take down a record of the court proceedings with her little notebook, pen, and cashmere turtleneck). He banged the gavel in a 'Look at me! I have a gavel!' fashion. He cleared his throat. "Please take your seats. We'll proceed directly with charges against the Chihiro Household." He nodded to Robin. "Sergeant-at-Arms, Robin."
A slight chorus of hissing from a certain side rose and dissolved.
Robin stood. "The following charges are brought: First, that the Chihiro House knowingly violated the rules governing pledge recruitment…" (Dramatic pause!) "… by serving alcohol to freshmen during pledge week and after established drinking hours."
Double D got up with a nervous, crooked smile. "I-I'd like to address these charges one at a time, i-if I may…"
"You'll get your chance, smart guy!" Dean Father snapped. Double D let out a scared squeak and sat back down. Dean Father gestured to Robin. "Get on with it."
Robin shifted his position deliberately away from the Chihiros. "Second, that for the fifth consecutive semester…" (Dramatic pause again! Oh my!) "… Chihiro has achieved a deficient grade point average-"
"H-half the houses didn't make grades!" Double D stuttered, standing up.
"You will speak when you're told to, and not before!!" Dean Father pointed at him.
Double D bit his lip and blinked a few times. "Yessir." The force of him crashing back down into his seat sent it skidding back a couple feet.
Robin gave a little the-nerve-of-some-people head shake. "Third, that the Chihiro members routinely provided dangerous narcotic diet pills to its members…" (He's just full of them tonight, ladies and gentlemen!) "…to its members during midterm exam week-"
"That's not true!!" Double D shot up once again.
"NOT ANOTHER WORD."
Double D sat again, picked his briefcase up, and clutched it to his chest like a teddy bear, murmuring something to it.
"And most recently, that a toga party was held…" (There he goes again.) "… from which we received…" (Dramatic pause.) "…two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion…" (Dramatic pause!) "… so profound and disgusting…" (One more time!) "…that decorum prohibits listing them here."
Peter smiled at the memories.
Double D's left arm twitched.
Pietro leaned back and forth in his seat, anxious to jump in.
Zuko brooded.
Mai checked her reflection in a little black compact, not shaken by the accusations in the slightest.
Jean wrote with rapid speed.
Trixie looked at Scott, then to Pietro, then scowled at Jean.
Scott banged the gavel.
"These are the charges as submitted to this day. Faithfully submitted, Robin, Sergeant-at-Arms."
On cue, the Chihiros hissed again.
"Well done," Father nodded to Robin (when he said well done, he of course meant "Thanks for helping me nail these bastards!").
"Eddward will speak for Delta House," Scott looked up to Double D.
The Chihiros erupted into loud applause, complete with shouts of Double D's name and whistling.
Double D gave a nervous laugh before starting, still clutching the briefcase. Pietro took it away before he started. "I-I-I don't th-think you can fully judge a fraternity, um, er, without looking at the positive qualities of the people in it." He cleared his throat, now stuttering less after getting started. "The Chihiro House has a long tradition of existence to its members-"
"Existence? Of course it exists! What the hell does that mean?"
"…Pietro…"
"Sorry. Continue."
"-to its members and to the community at large-"
"We've heard enough, Mr. Chairman," Dean Father shuffled papers.
Double D's look changed to one of shock. "I-I was told I'd have a chance to-"
"THAT'S ENOUGH. The court will now decide."
"But…! You said-"
"HE SAID THAT'S IT, ARE YOU DEAF?" Robin's molars showed.
"Let's finish this damn thing," Father whispered to Scott.
"BLOWJOB!" Peter coughed into his palm.
"Blowjob!"
"Blowjob!"
"Blowjob, blowjob!" The Chihiros had become a chorus of coughs and shouts.
"I don't think it's fair!" Empowered by his house's support, Double D spoke again.
Zuko brooded.
"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S FAIR AND WHAT'S NOT…!" Dean Father was positively on fire.
"DAN AKROYD!" Peter hacked again.
"Dan Akroyd!" And different round of coughing followed.
Double D opened his mouth to say something but instead looked to the twitchy Pietro and (yup, still) brooding Zuko. "Hey, can you tell these assholes to shut up?!"
"HEY SHUT UP, YOU ASSHOLES." Zuko shouted at them.
Father simmered, looked at some more papers, and his glare intensified as Pietro stood up, "Point of parliamentary procedure!"
"Do we have to listen to this bull?" he growled at Scott.
Scott sighed.
Double D grabbed the sleeve of Pietro's blazer (over a t-shirt). "Don't screw around! Please! They're serious this time!"
"Hey, Double D, take it easy. I'm in prelaw!"
Zuko brooded. "No, you're not."
"SHUT UP, SMARTASS! This is my battle! You don't know anything about warfare, I bet! ANYWAY! Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief!"
"What do you think he's up to?" Father hissed to Scott, who shrugged and turned back to Pietro. Father did the same and envisioned a great fiery death.
"The issue here is not whether we took a few liberties with our female guests…" He turned to the Dean. "We did." (Wink nod cool finger point.) "Buuuuut, you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the actions of a few perverted sick freaks, that's just wrong, man, come on!!"
Dean Father had to think for a minute to hear what he said, his words came out so fast. "Are you on crack, son?"
"Hey don't interrupt me, listen to me, come on! I mean, if you do, shouldn't we blame the fraternity system as a whole, and if the whole system is guilty then isn't this a reflection of our educational systems in general?! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! What now?" He gestured wildly as his Chihiro brothers cheered, sensing he was winning and supportive but probably at a loss as far as understanding what he was saying went. "You can do whatever the hell you want to us, YOU HEAR ME I AIN'T SCARED but we won't sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America! Chihiro, out!" He ran off.
"What the hell?" Beast Boy asked no one in particular.
"HEY! YOU'RE NOT WALKING OUT ON THIS ONE, MISTER!" Dean Father boomed.
The other Chihiros rose and began to file out, humming the National Anthem as they made their way out, many of them flipping off Dean Father and the Totoros.
"YOU'RE FINISHED! NO MORE CHIHIRO!"
Peter stole the flag on his way out. Tucker laughed until it hit him in the eye by mistake (kinda sorta).
"I'M CALLING THE NATIONAL OFFICE… I'M GOING TO REVOKE YOUR CHARTER!"
Robin was using all his willpower not to just pounce on them right then and there, fingering the shuriken he kept at his side.
"IF YOU WISE GUYS TRY ONE MORE THING…"
Double D rose, clutching his briefcase, scampered towards the door, randomly scampered in a tight circle, then left.
"ONE MORE THING, I'LL KICK YOU OUT OF THIS COLLEGE!"
Even though most of the others had left already, Zuko didn't find enough reason to care to get up until now. He slowly made his way out.
"NO MORE FUN OF ANY KIND…!" Many teachers were rushing to put out the fire that had sparked Reggie Mantle's hair and the chair Scott was sitting in.