HEY! LISTEN!: I understand that you may find the Jesus scene offensive. I apologize if you do. It's just meant to imitate the Family Guy sort of random humor, and they've used that, um, special guest star before, possibly more than once. So again, if you feel like mouthing off to me or flaming me, go ahead, or if you just want to let me know how offended you are, your review is still as welcome as it ever was. Just try not to take the scene too seriously.

And also, a note about the usage of the word "faggot": I don't believe in using the word, and I avoid it whenever possible. But again, it's more about imitating the character's origin - Jhonen used the word in Johnny the Homicidal Maniac (and he probably doesn't like tossing the word around either - it's for effect.)

Now that we're done with that, let's see, what's notable about this chapter... well, I was going to include the whole Dexter Lake Club scene here, but it got to be a little extensive. So no, I am not cutting it out, I'm just changing it up bit for obvious reasons.

And Deathley is Epically Awesome Insanity's OC. I like Deathley, and I decided to tuck her in for a small role. If you want to use Deathley in your stuff, you'll have to ask Epically Awesome Insanity.

Oh and weak conclusion. I know. Throw me a friggin' bone here. Think of it as a... precursor? Cliffhanger? Weak conclusion that you need to get over? Interpret it as you will.

Robin was attempting to thrill the Totoro pledges with blown-up fight stories as they sat under the spacious, clean, white porch at Totoro House. "Then I said to Slade 'I'll pop a cap in your ass!'…" He paused when he saw Danny and Zuko from Chihiro House walking by, looking somewhat gloomy. Since their charter was taken away, now would be a nice time to needle them some more and really make them die a little inside. "Hey, how's it feel to be an independent, Zuko?"

Zuko bit his lip and didn't look their way. He kept his voice low, "How's it feel to be burned slowly from the crotch up as your house smolders in front of you…"

"What did you say?!"

"I said, how's it feel to be an asshole, Robin?!"

They walked further down the street. Danny rubbed his hands, partially due to the brisk fall air and partially due to nervousness. "Double D says we can't even enter a float in the Homecoming Parade."

Zuko 'pfft'ed. "A great loss. Papier-mâché covered hunks of cardboard carrying around brain-dead zombies down our lifeless streets."

Danny didn't say anything else.

"Fuck them all, I say."

Danny looked to the side.

Zuko looked like a great idea hit him as they reached Chihiro House. "Hey, you know where we can get a bunch of lighters, Bedussey?"

"Look!" Danny's voice cracked a bit. He was relieved he didn't have to answer that.

A large moving truck was parked in front of the damaged house, and brawny men were carrying out all the furniture of the house - a saggy couch, a broken pinball machine, an old-fashioned jukebox, a treasure chest full of gold and jewelry, and another treasure chest (filled with chicken bones). The members of the house could only look on with sad, dead eyes.

Double D scampered over. "Zuko, they confiscated everything! Even the stuff we didn't steal!"

"They took the bar! The whole fucking bar!!" Bender shouted.

A guy came out carrying a cardboard box full of random bottles of gin. He slipped (probably on more alcohol) and fell off the porch, smashing the liquor.

Peter cried out in pain. "Crap! This is worse than the time I spilled water on Jesus!"

--

Peter was rubbing a wet cloth filled with seltzer water on none other than the toga of Jesus Christ himself (besides the fact that this was at their last toga party, Jesus always wears a toga). "Jesus, I'm sorry, Jesus," he apologized. "I didn't know it would turn to red wine as soon as it touched you."

"It's no problem," the savior said in a placating tone as he scratched his goatee. "I know a really good dry cleaner."

"But this stuff never comes out!"

"Trust me, Peter, I know a few miracle workers."

--

Pietro popped up. "Hey! What's going on?!"

"They're taking everything!" Double D had curled up into the fetal position on the somewhat moist, dirty ground, rocking himself slowly.

Pietro shrugged and grabbed a bottle of scotch from one of the passing movers and tossed it to Peter, all in one fluid movement.

Every Chihiro House member looked up to see what Peter would do. Even Double D ceased his rocking a bit.

Peter chugged it in about five seconds. "Thanks, I needed that!" He threw the empty bottle behind himself and it went through the window of whoever's car was unfortunate enough to be behind him. Then the car burst into flames.

Zuko scowled as the last bit of furniture, the broken gas oven, was moved out. "This is ridiculous."

"What are we going to do?" Pietro asked, louder than was necessary.

He and Zuko spoke in unison, but Pietro said "Road trip!" and Zuko said "Declare war!"

Pietro whipped around to face him. "NO! Dammit! You haven't learned a thing from spending time with me!"

"Maybe a road trip in a tank?"

"No, we compromised last time."

--

The controls to the alien ship had been confiscated from Tucker by Pietro. He had to run to follow Pietro's speed-walking pace, pleading with him, hoping against all hope Pietro might listen. "No! Please! You can't take it! Dib wrote the mileage down, and I don't even know where it indicates the mileage on the thing… or speed or gas for that matter! He wants it back by Sunday! Please don't take the shiiiip!"

Pietro had led the way back into the nearly empty house. He stopped in a dark hallway where the house phone was kept – it had zebra stripes painted on it. How tacky! Maybe that was why the movers hadn't taken it (or maybe the stripes were camouflage). "Look, if you won't bend the rules for your best frat buddies, who will you bend it for? Besides, I bet it's no big deal. Look, I'll call up Dib just to prove it to you!" He pressed the numbers with light speed. "…Yo, Dib? Hey, it's Pietro, remember me? Quicksilver? Right! How ya been?" He noticed Tucker had paused in his panic and was watching him curiously.

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again."

"Yeah, we just wanted to take a nice little road trip out to the weird girls' college, you know the place, Vasquez College. Just your little apprentice, his roommate, Zuko – you remember Zuko – and me!... That's what I thought!"

"If you'd like to make a call…"

"Thanks!" Pietro hung up the phone. "No big deal! Let's get going!" He dragged Tucker back to the cool outdoors. "He wants Zuko to drive though, 'cause you guys are freshmen, and I'm certainly not driving that whatever-the-crap ship you've got."

--

Zuko sat staring at the controls. There was a menagerie of colorful buttons, a joystick, and what looked like a normal steering wheel. A miniature refrigerator was underneath. "Why the hell am I expected to know how to work this?"

He was ignored by the others as Pietro, riding shotgun, began banging some part of the controls with a small screen. "Where's the radio on this thing?" He glanced at Zuko. "What are you waiting for? Go! I'll figure this out!"

"I don't know how to-"

"Guys, if this ship gets damaged, both Dib and the scary alien girl this actually belongs to are going to kill me!" Tucker poked his head up front.

Danny was trying to worm his way out of his seat, which was too small for him. He came out with a pop, his knees banging the back of the seat in front of him, but his head was alright – the ship had a roomy top "It's like this ship was built for really small aliens with big heads or something."

Pietro rapidly pressed a bunch of buttons. The ship elevated, plopped back down, vibrated, and shot a laser and took off a chunk of the street. Pietro looked up, horrified.

"Nice one," Zuko commented.

"Shut up! You can't even get it to go, Burnt Face Man!" He faced Tucker. "Do something! Make it GO!"

"Um, I may have forgotten… I've only driven it a couple times…" He leaned forward to inspect it. He pressed a button and nothing happened. He pressed another button and the radio came on. "Hang on, I think I've… got it!" Tucker grinned and punched a big red button.

Danny was ejected through the windshield.

The three others stared at Danny on the street in front of them.

"Nice one."

Tucker felt around. "There's a 'new windshield' button too…"

--

After they had finally gotten the ship going, Tucker sat twitching in his seat after Pietro had filled him and Danny in on his clever plan. But it just made Tucker even more nervous. "I heard Vasquez girls are fast. What should I say, Pietro?"

Pietro cracked open a beer. "Just mention macabre paintings, ancient voodoo practices, or making fun of people, and whatever chick you get will totally jump your bones."

Danny raised an eyebrow, still uncertain. "You sure we have dates?"

"Absolutely! Zuko, what's this chick's name again?"

Zuko handed him an article, not taking his eyes off the road. As Pietro looked at it, Zuko flicked the joystick and one of the legs of the alien ship took out a chunk of road. Zuko whipped around to face Danny. "Don't you ever mess with the driver! See what happens?!"

"What?"

Pietro tossed the article into the backseat. "Her name was Kimiko Tohomiko. She was from Tokyo and trained for a while as some sort of fighting monk."

Tucker rocked back and forth in anticipation. "Oh man! I hope I score!"

--

They had reached some freaky college with Gothic, mean-looking décor. Pietro bounded out of the ship and shouted, "Bring the ship around! I'll be right back!" He made his way into the dormitories, where a large, unhappy face was painted on the side.

Inside was different. There were practically no decorations, just a staircase leading downstairs only, a couch and end table with a half-finished slushie melting on top, and a desk with a phone and computer where a girl with large bat wings, swirly blonde hair in a stylish low ponytail, and sapphire-colored eyes sat. She also had a fur coat, but Pietro pretended not to be put off and figured the bat stuff was a costume (he was wrong, though - that brown fur was real). He approached her and put on his winning smile. "Excuse me, miss."

She looked away from the computer. "Can I help you?"

"I'm here to pick up Kimiko Tohomiko."

She raised her eyebrows. "Kimiko? Oh, great… just a minute." She quickly picked up the phone and scooted her rolling chair away from Pietro. "Hey, Sakura? It's Deathley, from the desk. Could you come down here for a minute?... Because someone's here to pick up KIMIKO, that's why! Get down here!" She hung up.

Pietro kept his oblivious smile on. "Is she coming down?"

"Uh. Her roommate is." Deathley looked away, like she didn't really know how to handle situation. She sighed.

After a few more seconds, another girl came up the staircase. She was very pretty, with short pink hair, wide green eyes, and a red dress that showed off her athletic figure. She was grasping a newspaper clipping tightly in her hand.

Pietro liked the sight of her, but didn't let his horny self take over. It was way too early… it would ruin everything. "Good evening!"

She looked uneasy and looked to the ground, giving a shaky sigh before looking at Pietro. "I'm Sakura Haruno, Kimiko's roommate."

"Hi, she told me about you. I'm, uh, Lance Alvers. I'm from Bayville. I'm her fiancé."

Sakura's mouth dropped. "Her f-…?"

"Actually, we're engaged to be engaged!" He laughed. "Gosh, what's the matter with everyone here…?"

"Why don't we sit down, Lance," She led him to the couch and gestured for him to sit down with her. "I don't how to tell you this, so I'm just going to tell you… Kimiko's dead."

Deathley couldn't help looking up from her computer.

"Dead?" Pietro laughed out loud. "Oh, that minx! Did she put you up to this?" He snickered again. "What a lively sense of humor!" He stopped laughing when Sakura handed him the article. He looked at it, the happiness slowly being replaced by shock. "Sophomore dies in retrieval of ancient artifact?" He looked off into the distance and put a hand to his head.

Sakura's eyes began to well up. "I'm so sorry, Lance!"

Deathley lowered her head at the mention of the death. "Sad, really. Nice girl..."

"I just talked to her last week. She was going to show me her latest laptop accessory from Tokyo." His tone was distant.

Sakura grabbed his hand. "If there's anything I can do…"

Pietro's shock now turned into grief. "You're so nice. I really shouldn't impose on you."

"No, please! Anything!"

Pietro hesitated. "I just don't think I should be alone tonight." He gave her a desperate look. "Would you go out with me?"

She gave him a caring smile. "I'll get my coat!"

Just as she walked away, Pietro quickly added, working the puppy dog eyes as much as he could, "Oh, and could you get three dates for my friends?"

--

Now inside the cramped ship were Otter, Sakura, Zuko, Danny, Tucker, Deathley from the front desk, a blonde girl with a baseball cap, and a skinny guy with a grim face. It was cramped enough that Deathley had to get up on Zuko's lap and the blonde onto Danny's. Pietro had taken over driving the ship (and was bad at it).

Deathley glared at Zuko. "Move your hand!!"

"That's not my hand."

"Thanks a lot, Sakura. I'll remember this."

Zuko tried to look at Tucker's "date", whom Tucker had moved his body as far away from and as close to the edge of the ship as possible. Zuko forced a slight smile. "I wasn't aware Vasquez College had gone coed."

He gave an eerie grin. "Oh, what are you gonna do! My name's Johnny! You can call me Nny!"

"Bedussey, I… I think I need another beer…" Pietro's voice trailed off (he seemed to have forgotten he was driving). Sakura gave him a very worried look. Zuko rolled his eyes.

Tucker finally gave in. He realized he wouldn't be getting laid that night, but maybe he could make a new friend – Johnny seemed normal enough. "My main interests are macabre art, making fun of people, and ancient voodoo practices. What about y-"

"YOU MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE?!" Johnny lost it. "YOU DO THAT FOR A HOBBY? YOU LIKE MAKING FUN OF ME? AM I A SKINNY LITTLE FAGGOT LIKE THEY ALWAYS SAY? HUH? HUH?!" He whipped out a pair of pliers.

Tucker shouted in fear.

"Nny, please give it a rest," the blonde said.

"Why should he, Kit?" Deathley asked her. She shuddered slightly at Nny. Granted, one would imangine she was used to this via Toonslaying, but the bat was just too weirded out by the boy's behavior. Vasquez boys -- oi! "It would be much more fun going there." She pointed at the nightclub that Pietro had chosen.

Zuko actually looked a little happy for the first time that night when he read the sign about who was performing. "Pietro! Pete Wentz and Three Other Guys! Great choice!" The ship stumbled and stopped. They made their way out, but only Danny remembered to attempt to be a man an help his date out (she declined). "Wait'll they see us. They LOVED us."