Disclaimer: I own none of the cartoons used within nor Animal House.

Why does Jiraiya make a good Donald Sutherland? Will anything ever become of that random Light mention? Why can't I come up with something more than original than just having Tucker puke like Flounder did? From whence came Scott's hostility towards stuffed toys?

The world may never know.

And don't hate on Mai, peeps. Just do what I do - hate on Katy! She's a slut!

P.S. Movie-Brat, the Freddy mention is for you. :)

Though the garage door was open, it didn't do much good for Chihiro House, because when the alien ship came crashing through, it was leaning to the side and ended up taking out a wall. But that was okay. It wasn't really their house anymore.

"Oooh! Sounds like stuff's breaking!" Bender led the way as he and Peter, attracted to destruction, made their constantly inebriated way into the garage.

In some sort of made-up mechanism made for possibly ejection, defense, or suicide, the windshield popped off the ship and went flying across the room.

Tucker scrambled out, panicky over the damage done to the weird vehicle. His foot caught and he fell on the garage's pavement but he just jumped back up.

"I'm leaving," In perfect contrast, Zuko lifted himself out and stepped down with all the care and fluidity of someone who's older and cooler.

"Mai?" Pietro asked, doing a show-offy little flip out of the front.

"Yes."

"Good luck! Watch out for her needles!"

Tucker had begun to cry after looking the ship over.

"Hey, stop blubbering!" Bender was leaning against the ship, striking a cool guy pose with his beer in unnatural positions. "When I'm through with this thing, you won't even recognize it!" With his last gesture, he sloshed half his beer into the cockpit and onto the shoes of a very groggy Danny, who was climbing out of the ship.

"Huh? Oh, whoa, more beer…"

"Wow, you look tired, Bedussey!" Peter commented. "Maybe it's because you were deprived of sleep, eh? Eh?"

Danny stood, looking at him, open-mouthed. "Uh… yeah. Not with like, a girl if that's you mean."

"Maybe that's what I mean…" Peter looked somewhat disappointed, but not disheartened, he looked to Tucker. "Heyyy, Dipwad! You still a virgin? Huh? Spill the beaaaans!"

Tucker cried.

"My god, what kind of road trip was this? You're crying and the other freshman is about to pass out by means other than drugs!"

"Well, we can give him drugs," Pietro had retrieved a beer from the basement and reappeared in the garage.

Now frustrated, Peter just asked, "Did you fuck anybody on the road trip?"

Pietro made a bodily sort of shift, and his facial expression changed in that way to suggest that you just sparked something deep within someone and they're about to launch into a tangent. "NO! I came really close, too! But then they totally interrupted it and-" He stopped suddenly when Tucker collapsed at their feet in a little fit of despair.

"Ew," Peter commented. Then he decided to take pity on the poor, pathetic freshman as he lifted his poor, pathetic self off the now damp cement. Peter got the attention of the crying young man and crushed a (full) can of beer on his head. "Ta-daaa!" Tucker continued to cry. Peter grabbed a (full!) bottle of beer and whomped himself over the head with it. It crashed into pieces and a puddle. "Ta-daaa!" But Tucker just kept crying. Finally Peter strained to pick up a whole keg, but Pietro stepped in between them.

"Come on, Dipwad! You can't worry about your mistakes forever! I just forget about crap like responsibility! You fucked up! You trusted us! Make the best of it, OOHH, maybe we can help you!"

"That's easy for you to say," Tucker wiped his nose (with his sleeve, ewww!). "What am I going to tell Dib?"

Pietro scratched his head, crossed his arms, uncrossed them, put his hands on his hips, took them off, huffed, rolled his neck, put his hand to his chin, ran his hand through his whitish hair, and gave thought to the pros and cons of every action. All in about twenty seconds. "Okay. Tell ya what. I'll talk to Dib. Swear you were doing a great job taking care of. You know. That ship thing whatever the crap. But you parked it out back last night, and this morning, it was GONE!" He put a horrified face on to act it out for Tucker. "Maybe the alien person came back for it and didn't stop to chat! WHO KNOWS! Anyway. Bender takes care of the wreck. We tell the FBI. They contact Dib and they interrogate him. Possibly use torture. He's too busy to have anything done to you." He smiled and spread his arms out, waiting for Tucker's face to light up. But he just looked confused. Pietro jumped in place and spread his arms out farther, as if it didn't take the first time.

Tucker raised one eyebrow. He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "Will that work?"

"It's gotta work better than the truth."

"My advice to you is to start drinking heavily," Peter picked up the keg he was trying to pick up before and handed it off to Tucker, who fell under the weight.

Pietro leaned over him. "Better to listen to him, Dipwad. He's years older than we are." Peter nodded eagerly, both him and Pietro ignoring how screwed up that was.

Bender started up his chainsaw and let out a satanic laugh.

--

Zuko had bought of box of Mai's favorite hideously dark chocolates on his way to her off-campus house. Zuko remembered how Mai would always say how she "deeply loved her shitty, disgusting, moldy little hellhole". She's such a great match for me. It was good that he had decided to patch things up with her before it got irreparable. They had problems they would have to work through, and they would, and then they could go back to the good old days of hateful people-watching in the cafeteria, drinking tea (spiked in Zuko's case), trying to play the game where they guessed when and how famous figures and people they knew were going to die. And back in the day when he could actually talk to her about his serious familial issues and feel like she didn't think there were more pressing things in his immediate life to discuss.

Zuko was smiling, something he hadn't been doing much lately without the guys, or at all, really. He reached Mai's little house. Up the steps and through the door.

Mai was just walking in, wrapping a short black silk bathrobe around herself. She looked up at him, surprised – finally showing some emotion other than boredom.

Zuko smiled and put the chocolates aside. "Hey. I missed you."

He noticed she was still surprised. It was a little unnerving. "I was going to call you-"

"Where did you say the lighters were?" A male's voice called out from the kitchen.

Zuko recognized the voice. His smile disappeared.

Mai crossed her arms and turned away from him. "…Those aren't the right chocolates anyway."

A scary-looking scowl covered Zuko's face. His fingers twitched like he wanted to do something with them, but he turned and slammed the door on his way out.

"Shit," Mai said. She sighed.

"OHMYGOD, YOU HAVE ARTSY NAKED PICTURES HUNG UP IN YOUR KITCHEN!" Jiraiya shouted.

--

"Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure? What would Jean wanna do with me?" Pietro tapped his fingers nervously against the old printed phone in the house's hallway. I mean, besides that I'm hot shit.

"I really don't know, Pietro. You'd have to ask her yourself." Trixie expertly filed her nails and held her cell phone to her ear with her shoulder. In her usual girlish outfit, with a girlish pink mobile, she looked drastically juxtaposed in her room, which was oddly furnished with a bookcase full of a huge comic book collection, sci-fi and action movie posters, and plushies of monsters and movie villains on her bed. Scott Summers also stuck out, a freakish laid-back, preppy tumor sticking out of the overdone boyishness. He was clutching a Nightmare on Elm Street plushie, squeezing it so hard in his anger that it was shaking. "As soon as you can get there… do you know the Mordhaus Motel on Oblong Road? … Thank you very much… bye!" She hung up and turned to smile at Scott, who smacked the serial killer stuffed toy with his fist. Trixie whimpered and picked him up. "Freddy!"

--

Dean Father's secretary, young not-really-Japanese-looking-Japanese-male Light Yagami, checked his watch to see when his boss would be coming in. He worked this job after classes, and was hired so Dean Father could eliminate the temptation of cheating on his wife (which he probably did anyway). It was strange, this handsome young genius working a menial secretary job. It was a very weird fit – or maybe it was the perfect disguise…

But enough about that.

Dean Father burst in. "Did you get the Chihiros' grade reports?"

"I have them right here."

"Why didn't you tell me?!" He grabbed them away. Father took out his pipe to read the grades. That's how serious he was about this. Very, very, very serious. He gave a small evil laugh. "Good…"

"Excellent evil chuckle, sir."

"Thank you. I haven't trained in a while, but I try to keep in practice, you know?"

--

Pietro whistled one of his usual fast tunes as he bounded up towards the room he had agreed on at the freakish, black-and-red-themed Mordhaus Motel. He had a bouquet of cheap flowers. He fixed his hair again right before he reached for the door. "Here's Mr. Thoughtful with a dozen roses for youuuuuuushit."

It was enough of a shock that even Pietro wasn't able to run away before someone closed the door behind him. He was facing an extremely pissed off Scott and several other bloodthirsty (but a little happy because, helloooo, blood! Yay!) Totoros, including but certainly not limited to Robin and Beast Boy.

Despite that even he knew his usual tricks wouldn't work this time, Pietro still said looked at them all, forced a smile, and said, "My! Jean! How you've chang-" he didn't finish it before he got punched to the face and subsequently swarmed.

--

The Chihiros did not exactly look resplendent, as they were called suddenly to Dean Father's office. But they rarely looked resplendent anyway. Double D had made his usual attempts to look nice and even gave his teeth one, or maybe more like four super-speedy brushings. Tucker made extra sure his cap was straight. Danny had tried to brush his thick mop of black hair, but it's pretty much a lost cause at this point. Peter had given up a long time ago. And Bender's a robot, so he's sort of at a loss. He certainly didn't polish himself or buff out the latest scratches.

And Dean Father was absolutely glowing. "Where are the other two? Maximoff and Zuko?"

Double D giggled nervously. "W-we looked everywhere, sir, b-but we couldn't-"

"Never mind. It doesn't matter. If it did, I would have invited the less important Chihiros, too. You gentlemen see your midterm grades yet?"

"Uh, heh, th-they're not posted y-y-yet, sir."

Dean Father's eyes narrowed. This was just too good. It was his shining moment. Far better than the birth of his children. "I've seen them." He took out the manila folder and whipped it open, holding it to his eye level. He put on his reading glasses, even though he already had the whole thing memorized. "Daniel Fenton, two C's, two D's, and an F. Congratulations, Fenton, you're at the top of your pledge class."

"Uh, thank you, sir," Danny awkwardly smiled.

Peter and Bender gave him a thumbs-up (as if to say, "Great job!").

Father simmered. "Mr. Foley?"

"Hiii," Tucker was tipsy.

"Three F's, two D's. Nerdy, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

Tucker's mouth dropped. Even Dean Father thought he was nerdy. "Come on…"

"Eddward, President of Totoro House. Four C's and a D. A fine example you set!"

Double D is unfamiliar with academic failure. Excuse him while he has a panic attack.

"Bender. No courses whatsoever. You are enrolled in this school and have no classes."

"Cool!" Bender said.

"Mr. Griffin," Father looked up at Peter.

Peter was licking the decorative vase from Father's office, wearing his golf gloves, and balancing his dictionary on his head, having giving himself a vast collection of facial tattoos with Father's engraved ballpoint pen. "This isn't what it looks like."

Father glowered. "MR. GRIFFIN. Zero. Point. ZERO." He took off his reading glasses, meaning that the torture session was over but the punishment had just begun. "Tell Prince Zuko and Mr. Maximoff exactly what I'm about to tell you."

There was a dramatic pause. Double D stepped forward, hoping maybe Dean Father had a stroke or heart attack or maybe a toilet seat fell from a space station and crushed him (oh stop it, you'd think the same way if you were him right now). "What, sir?"

"You're OUT! FINISHED! EXPELLED! I WANT YOU OFF THIS CAMPUS AND OUT OF MY LIFE BY MONDAY MORNING!"

Tucker's mouth dropped.

Father spread his arms out. "Well?"

Tucker stammered. The others looked up at him.

"Well?!"

Double D wasn't looking though. His eyes see nothing.

"OUT WITH IT, BOY, OR I'LL LIGHT THAT STUPID CAP ON FIRE!"

Tucker puked all over his desk.