Phil had been staring at himself in the mirror, completely silent, for twenty minutes now. Dan watched from their bed, wincing as his beautiful –yes, still beautiful- boyfriend picked himself apart. Every bruise and scar was under scrutiny, dozens of reasons Phil had been putting off getting back to making videos for so long.

Phil really did want to go back to filming. Not only did he truly love doing it, but he just wanted to get back into the habit of things: return to the way things were last year, try to make everything okay again. But right now, to get in front of the camera and upload a video looking like he did now, there would be no mistaking that no, things weren't the same.

"You ready to try again, babe?" Dan asked calmly, patiently. It was getting late, and though he'd probably be up much later, he knew Phil would need some rest. He could use all the sleep he could get nowadays. Dan had been trying to avoid giving him sedatives, limiting their use to times when the nightmares were just too much.

This had been going on for two hours: Phil would make an attempt at recording, Dan out of the shot, supporting him, and then Phil would lose his nerve and turn the camera back off and try to fix himself up. He'd covered his face in blending makeup, heavily concentrated on the pinkish scar slashed through his eye. There was no mistaking it, though: bruises were still clear as day and his blind eye was a sick milky color.

"I look awful," he mumbled to himself, hoping Dan wouldn't hear. "I don't want them to see me like this."

"Wanna give it another shot?" Dan leaned back on his hands and reached into his pocket, pulling his phone out. "Just one more take? We'll keep trying, but tomorrow. You need some rest, but just one more try tonight." He was a bi distracted as he typed something out on his phone, but he looked up to note Phil's response.

Phil let out a shaky breath and nodded, shuffling back to the bed and taking his place in front of the camera. Dan moved behind it, finger hovering over the record button. He waited for Phil's say-so.

Phil ran his hands anxiously over his jeans, comforted by the friction, able to feel something other than his nerves on fire. The physical evidence of everything was so obvious, and he didn't want his viewers to see. They probably wouldn't worry. Dan gave him an encouraging nod, and Phil reluctantly decided to get this over with, try just one more time tonight.

"Hey guys, so, I'm… back." He didn't care if this was awkward, it was far from the final take. "You're probably wondering where I've been these last seven months. Well… I'm fine, don't worry. Just… don't…" He was shaking; Dan wished this was easier for him. "Don't even think about it. The point is I'm back now, and I'll try to get back into a sort of biweekly schedule…?" He wasn't as animated as he usually was filming, and kept trying to hide his face as much as he could while still letting his voice through.

"I think we can call it a night," Dan pressed, turning the camera off. He looked at his phone for a minute, smiling slightly as Phil watched him. After a moment, it brightened into a grin. "You can go to sleep soon, but first I want to show you something."

Dan grabbed his Macbook and opened it up on the bed in front of him. Phil moved closer to see what Dan was doing. He opened his Tumblr and went to a post he'd made, and… "Oh god."

There were three pictures posted: one Dan had snuck of Phil at the hospital, another the day he'd come home, and a third from last night. Phil started shaking seeing those on Dan's page –they would be everywhere now, pictures of him in a state he'd never wanted his viewers to see him in. "Goddamn it, Dan!" He punched him in the arm, tears in his eyes.

"No, Phil, just look. Read it." Dan reached out to rub his shoulder. Phil pulled away from it, but read what the post said anyway.

'My baby's home. He wants to get back into the routine of things, go back to how everything was before he was kidnapped. He's safe now, but he's still carrying the burden with him, most obviously in the bruises and scars all over him, broken bones and blinded in one eye. These are battle wounds, signs of his strength and will, and I'm so proud of him. These aren't flaws, not in my eyes, but he still sees them that way. He didn't want you guys to see him like this, so he's put off filming. He's been trying for hours to gain the confidence to record, but he keeps having to step away. He was scared of what would happen if his subscribers saw him like this, but now that you have, there can't be anything to worry about, yeah? Prove it to him; let him know how beautiful he is, scars and all.'

Phil shook his head. He loved Dan, and did trust that he believed what he was saying was true, but it wasn't something he could just accept. This was damage, and there was nothing else to it. If anything, it was proof of how weak he'd been, beaten and-

"I posted that ten minutes ago. Over three thousand notes already –damn! See what they had to say." Dan moved the laptop to Phil and sat back.

Phil blinked tears from his eyes and decided to give it a shot. He skimmed through what some people had to say.

' brisinwonderland: Phil you are amazing! You are beautiful and perfect in every way no matter what. We love you Phil and miss you. We want you to make videos again because your awesome! Please make more videos we want to see you beautiful face!'

' procrastinationpowers: Phil, you're back! Stay strong little lion. We love you and Dan loves you, an we are so happy that you have returned alive. Just remember the bruises just remind us how strong you have been, and how strong you will remain. We will support through these times, because we phil lions care.'

' sophiathemisfit: Phil, we all love you so much! I can't even put into words how much I- we- want to see you again. We were so worried about you, Phil. I was starting to think you were dead! No one gives a fuck about how you look, we're just so glad you're okay. You don't have to make a video of you don't want to, but we'll all support you no matter what.

' allons-ymotherfuckers: I know there are some things you just can't forget but just focus on the happy things like all the people that loves you. You can think that subscribers are just a number but they are actually the number of people that cares about you! Please don't give up, for you and for us!'

' litsy-kalyptica: Those scars and bruises are badges of honor proving how hard you fought to stay alive, and how you kept strong even when hope seemed lost. Stay strong; we love you.'

Phil wasn't bothering to keep the tears from falling. He skimmed through and found thousands of more comments like those ones. He couldn't believe people actually thought this, and… maybe thousands of people couldn't be wrong.

Dan smiled, wiping at his own eyes after looking through them himself on his phone while Phil was reading. He leaned in and pulled his boyfriend tight against him, stroking his hair.

"Dan… I think we should try again in the morning…?"

A/N: Reviews = quicker updates! And yeah I wrote this after midnight.