Chapter 39: Insanity

So far in the last 2 and a half years of knowing the gang, they had told me so many stories, I had a basic knowledge of what had happened ever since they all met. That included Robin's past as Robin Sparkles. Did I see the video? Of course! And I had heard of it when I was a kid in Washington, but I only saw it less than a year ago. So when I heard that there was another piece of Sparkles, I was intrigued. Something fun that Barney and Robin did that week was they made a game with me.

It all started one day when Ted was discussing a girl he had met that past week. He saw her on the subway and started stalking her by trying to find out who ground their teeth in dental records.

"Ted, what you're doing is a batshit crazy stalker move."

"That's one." Said Barney. He clicked a button.

"What?" I asked.

Barney held up a small object in his hand. It was an old click counter. And it said "1" on it.

"Robin and I are performing an experiment. We're trying to see how many times you say 'shit' this week."

"Uh, why?"

"Just cause. No reason."

I shrugged while Ted continued.

"Then the fire alarm went off at school so we had to head out, and there she was. Her name is Jeanette, and she does grind her teeth."

"I assume that started the moment she met you?" Said Lily.

"Well the fact is she wanted to find me!"

"Oh, shit. This can't be good." I muttered.

Ted then went into a talk about how she had camped out in front of the facility just so she could meet him.

"It was destiny!" Said Ted.

"She was a goddamn psycho!" I retorted. "Who stays out in front of the hall for a stranger like that? And while we're on the topic, who would stalk a guy like that?"

"Knock it off, Ollie. There's a fine line between love and insanity." Said Ted. "The Dobler-Dahmer theory."

Everyone groaned, but I never heard of it, so I remained quiet while Ted brought out his damn legal pad.

"If both people are into each other, a big romantic gesture works, like Lloyd Dobler. But if one of them doesn't feel the same way, the same gesture will come off serial killer crazy: Dahmer."

I nodded as if it made sense, because in a way, it did. What didn't make sense was Ted's logic in this situation.

"I was charmed by how Jeanette found me, therefore she is Dobler."

"Fuck that, Ted." Then I pointed at Barney. "You're only counting 'shit', Barney." He groaned because he was about to count that last f-word. But then he clicked it again for what I just said to him.

"I don't think we should be so cavalier with the word 'stalker', guys. Even if what Ted's telling us just happens to be a bit convenient, and kinda creepy."

"Why does that word bother you so much?" Said Barney.

Robin waved it off. "It doesn't bother me."

"Wh-do you have a stalker?" He asked.

Robin tried to hold back the info, but after some pressure from Barney, she cracked.

"It was me." She said. "There was a guy I liked back in Canada. I liked him, he didn't feel the same, and I got a little obsessed."

"Uh huh. Define obsessed." I said.

"I'd fill up my journals about him, one thing led to another, and then came a teensy weensy 50m restraining order."

"Damn." I replied.

"You must have been a nutbag." Said Barney.

"No I wasn't." She replied. "Anyone can cross that line, Barney."

He scoffed. "If you're a total nutbag."

"She's right, Barney" I said. "You're talking to a guy who became obsessed over Bigfoot after seeing him when I was 6. In fact I have a current obsession right now."

Everyone looked at me while I waved it off.

"Long story." I said.

"So who's the guy?" Said Barney.

Robin frowned. "I'm not telling you until you admit that anyone can cross the line."

"I'm not admitting that."

"Fine, then you don't get to know."

Barney disappeared for a day after that because he ended up flying to Vancouver to find out who the guy was. It was plain obvious this guy had already started an obsession.

I'm sure you're wondering what my obsession was. It was something with Juno that had happened recently. It was after practice that day, and we were walking home.

"Ollie, how long have we been friends?" She asked.

"Uh, almost 10 years by my count."

"So I think I should admit something to you."

"What is it?"

"Just know right here and now that this isn't me giving you an answer to the question you'll be asking me after this. I'm only admitting something I've kept secret ever since I left my home."

"Alright." I said.

Juno breathed, then spat it out: "My name is not Juno."

Later we were sitting down on a bench in the park.

"So you're admitting that all this time you've been using a nickname instead of your actual name for over a decade? And you've lied to me all this time?"

"Yes."

"Why are you telling me this now?" I asked.

"I can feel something, Ollie. Destiny is approaching, and I think I should tie up loose ends."

This was exactly how I had felt about two months ago with me and my aunt. That's what made me and her alike.

"So you're not gonna tell me your real name yet?"

"Nope. I'll only admit it when I know the time is right." She said. "Until then, just know that Juno isn't my real name. It's only a nickname."

"Okay."

I would've normally loved a good mystery, but after finding out I hadn't solved this mystery in over 9 years, I became a bit obsessed into finding out her real name. But I figured that all her identifications she used in New York all had "Juno" on them, so that would've been pointless. I just decided to drop it and wait until the time was right.

Unfortunately, as I soon found out from Ted's stories, Jeanette had a much harder time of letting go of things. Ted found as he kept asking her questions that she went from waiting for him outside, to pulling a fire alarm, to setting a fire. Yet every time, he was still charmed by this.

"I don't know what's worse!" I said. "This batshit crazy bitch, or your bullshit logic for her crazy methods of meeting new people."

"She's nice, Ollie! Dobler!"

"She started a fucking fire, Ted! DAHMER!"

"I'm with Ollie on this, Ted." Said Marshall.

"You're just jealous because Lily never burned anything for you!"

"Clearly you never tried her pot roast."

All of the sudden, we heard a "ba-dum crash" sound. It was Barney, and he had a drum set on his shoulders.

"Had this for something totally different, but it worked out!" He said. "Also I count 2 more s-words, Ollie. You've hit triple digits."

I found that hard to believe, and it was indeed a lie, but I kept my mouth shut as Barney brought up what he was here for. He started a drumroll.

"IT'S ROBIN SPARKLES 4, Y'ALL!"

We all cheered. This was the first time I had ever seen a Robin Sparkles with the gang, so this was a big moment. I was excited as Barney loaded the tape.

I said I was excited to see the tape. But as I watched it more and more, I became less excited, and more terrified for my life, knowing full well that the crazy chick on that tape was one of my closest friends. It told the story of how Robin changed her look to extremely creepy goth and came out with a new hit single during the 1996 Grey Cup. I don't want to describe the lyrics, but what I can say was that as I watched, I kept saying "shit" under my breath, and Barney kept clicking the counter. While we saw the whole video, it didn't mention who the song was about. Everyone in the tape denied it was about them, but all I kept hearing was that creepy whisper: "P.S, I Love You.". When the video ended, we all stood there in silence. I kept thinking in that moment that Robin would run up behind me and shank me with a dagger. To this day, I can't think of that video without having nightmares for a week.

"Well thanks, Barney. I wasn't planning on sleeping for the rest of my life."

Barney just ran out the door. I knew where he was going. He crossed the line to obsession, and was heading over to kick Alan Thicke's ass.

2 hours later he came back with a big shiner.

"Aw shit, man!" I called when I saw him.

Barney then explained that while Alan Thicke denied it was about him, he was convinced that he lied. Robin wasn't too happy.

"Is someone obsessed?" She said.

"I'm not obsessed!" Said Barney. "All I did was break into your apartment, read your teenage journals, fly to Vancouver to interrogate your ex-boyfriends, and fight beloved Canadian actor Alan Thicke. To a draw!" He added.

It wasn't a draw. He got his ass handed to him 6 times over. But finally Barney admitted, and Robin was ready to say who the song was about.

"P.S: Paul Schaffer." She said.

"Oh, I get it!" I said.

"I'm a Dahmer." Groaned Barney.

Robin smiled. "But your my Dahmer. Which makes you a Dobler."

"Just like Jeanette!" Said Ted.

"Bullshit, Ted! She's a Joker level psychotic stalker bitch who almost commited arson to meet you! That says Dahmer! How can you not see that shit?! C'mon, Lily! Tell him!"

But Lily didn't. She admitted that her meeting Marshall was by her sabotaging her own stereo system and knocking on random doors. Still, I saw that as much less crazy than starting a fire.

Marshall then admitted that Jeanette was a Dobler, but he would soon eat those words. Because after that night at the apartment, Ted discovered that Jeanette had actually been stalking him for over a year ever since he was published in that magazine in September 2011. He told us the next day.

"Oh shit." I muttered. *click*. Barney counted 312 in one week, but I honestly thought he was exaggerating for some reason.

In the years to follow, Ted admitted alongside Juno that the last people they both dated were total mistakes. Louis was a jerk, and Jeanette was psychotic. I guess it made things work out in the end.

In the following few days, Ted and Jeanette started getting to the level where he realized that he had to cut it off with her. I wasn't there for that, but what I do remember hearing what happened was that Jeanette locked herself in Ted's room and started smashing everything in there. When Ted called the cops on her he then found out that she was actually an NYPD officer, which made no damn sense because there was no way in hell she could pass the psych evaluation test unless she cheated on it.

I started thinking Ted himself was off his rocker too, because even after that he still continued to see her.

Lily meanwhile, had her own new events going on. George "The Captain" Van Smoot, Zoey Pierson's ex-husband, ended up offering her a job as his art consultant after a mix up with phone calls. Lily ended up booking a job that she had been looking for most of her life for, so other than Jeanette and Louis, things seemed like they were going good for once.

Maclaren's had become a second home to me. I loved everything about it, right down to a sign I saw on the wall every night. It said "On this site in 1897, nothing happened." That sign had been there ever since I had been working there. Ted said it had been there even before he started coming to Maclaren's. The bar meant that much to me, which meant that sometimes I knew that there were people who could be trusted not to destroy the bar, and those who were nuts. Jeanette was one of the nuts.

Ted constantly said that it was fine dating Jeanette, but the tipping point for me on Jeanette came that night when he took her to the bar.

"Two beers, please, Ollie." He said.

"On it!" I passed them to him.

Ted took the beers over to the booth, where I saw him with Jeanette. She had the crazy eyes, and from what I saw in them, I was uncomfortable having her in the bar.

"Hey, Carl?" I asked.

"What's up, Ollie?"

"How many bar fights have we had in here?"

"Hmmm. I'd say about 57, give or take." He said.

"We might want to count 58 after tonight. I got a bad feeling about this."

Soon enough, Jeanette came up to the bar.

"I want the best drink you can make, bitch." She said, getting up close to my face.

"Ma'am, I need to to back away from me, or I'll cut you off. There's something callof personal space!"

"Gimme the booze, or I'll smash up the tables around this place."

"Don't make threats like that, Jeanette, or I will resort to drastic measures."

Jeanette ran over to a table several girls were having drinks at, and turned it over. In a flash, I vaulted up onto the bar table.

"UH UH! NOT HAPPENING, CRAZY BITCH!" I jumped down onto the ground, and got up close to her.

"You know I'm a NYPD officer. You can't hurt me." she said.

"I'm sorry. You missed the part where I give a shit. This bar means the world to me, and if you disturb it, or my customers, I will do whatever it takes to protect it!" I shouted. "Get out, now!"

"No." She said simply. "Psycho."

"I'm the psycho?" I whispered. "Ok! Hey! *tweeet*" I whistled. "Free drinks for the rest of the night to whoever can take her down! BAR FIGHT!"

Seven customers all started a riot as they went after Jeanette. I went back in behind the bar table to see Carl looking at me.

"One might find that what you've just done should be enough for me to fire you, Ollie. Starting a bar fight and such."

Shit... Now I'd done it.

But you've shown me loyalty to me and this bar by doing what you just did. Plus you're one of my best staff. I'm impressed."

"WHO'S NEXT?!"

I looked over to see Jeanette standing over the customers. They were knocked down to the ground by her. I was thunderstruck, and I looked at Ted with fury.

"Ted, get her out of here! Now!" I said.

Ted jumped up, and escorted Jeanette out.

I couldn't understand why Ted had to date someone as insane as that girl. But I could sort of understand that maybe his loneliness set the bar really low for his expectations in sanity.

"Good move, Ollie. Well done." Said Carl.

"Thanks, Carl."

I remember a quote by Einstein saying that the definition of insanity is to be doing one thing over repeatedly, and expecting the result to change. However, after witnessing Jeanette nearly trash the bar, and take down 7 regulars (who never came back to the bar after that incident), I changed my mind on that idea. Insanity is just the willingness to do anything, no matter how socially ridiculous it sounds. In fact, I think that psychos run on whatever fits into that category instead of just normal behavior like it's the fuel that makes them move like a car and gas. In short, Jeanette herself was the definition of insanity.

"So the wedding." I said to Robin one night."Is there anything specific you want me to serve?"

"Not really. I think the key is just whatever the barkeep recommends. You know your way around this, so I'll trust your judgement."

"You got it." I said.

Ted walked in. "Uh, Robin, can I talk to you for a second?"

I could tell this was important, so I grabbed a few beers and walked over to the booth.

"This round's on me, guys." I said.

"Hey, thanks Ollie!" Said Marshall.

"We got the best bartender in New York!" Said Lily.

Ted then pulled out a piece of paper. It looked fancy and had decorations all over it.

"Here's my RSVP." He said.

Robin looked down on it, with me and Barney looking over her shoulder. It read "Ted and Jeanette."

"Oh, Ted. I hope this is a stupid joke. You better not be bringing that crazy bitch as your plus one." I said.

"It's plus five if you count the voices in her head." Said Robin. "And you aren't bringing her to my wedding."

The others nodded murmuring, with me chiming in with "crazy biatch."

"Guys, I like her, and she's coming." He stood up. "Oh, and, hum, by the way, just so this doesn't turn into an argument later, the dress she's gonna wear isn't technically white, it's eggshell. The shoes are white, though. And the veil. Well, see you guys." He started off, while Robin lunged at him, but I quickly caught up as he was out to the curb.

"Ted, there are more than 3 million eligible women in New York! You can pick someone else to go to the wedding! I'm not gonna serve alcohol to someone who might as well show up wearing face paint like the Joker!"

Ted just ignored me. "Ollie, this is love, and she's coming."

That first part made me slap him upside the head. "No! No, no, no, no! It's not love, it's a mistake! It's the biggest one you've made yet! I got a sweet, caring, calm, and most importantly, sane friend who is perfectly single, and would be willing to go to this wedding if you asked her!"

What I had just said was a big lie. Juno had been dating Louis for a while at the time, and it had gotten quite serious with them. But I was desperate for Ted to break up with Jeanette, I just came up with the lie to get him to stop.

"No need. I have my plus one." Said Ted.

I was soon cracking open a bottle of champagne when I heard that Ted and Jeanette broke up later that night.

The next day, Ted and Barney came down to the bar.

"What's going on, guys?" I said as I sat down with them.

"Just trying to help Ted get a new girl for the wedding. With a little help from..." He dropped a large familiar book onto the table. "The Playbook!"

"You son of a bitch." I said. "The plan was that you'd burn that thing and move on!" I was surprised that Barney would lie to not only me, but his own fiancée. It was amazingly stupid.

"Ollie, just...okay?" Said Barney.

I sighed. Bastard would pay for not doing what he should have months ago. The funny thing was that for a guy who was supposed to be getting married in a few months, he sure wasn't acting like it. When I would meet that one for me, I'd only be looking at her the way how Barney should be looking at Robin 100% of the time.

Reluctantly, I agreed in assisting Ted and Barney as long as it meant that Jeanette would be a no-show at the wedding. We spent about an hour going through Barney's prop trunk at Ted's apartment.

"That thing has everything you'll need to get laid tonight." Said Barney.

I pulled out a picture that showed Barney in an Uncle Sam costume pointing at the observer of the picture. I looked at Barney with uncertainty.

"Everything." He replied.

Barney explained the plan. If be stationed at the bar helping Ted out as his wingman on the ground while Barney would stake out in his apartment giving Ted instructions.

"Barney, just know that if Robin sees the Playbook, I'm not sticking up for you."

Barney looked at me as if to say "why not?" but then went back to work on setting up the monitors.

Ted's first attempts were off to a bad start, but I was honestly thinking Barney may have purposely been giving Ted bad plays because he kept finishing his plays with the words "my penis", and he'd end up getting rejected every time.

During the plays, Ted at one point showed up in the bar with a Scottish accent, wearing a kilt.

"Hah! Oh this should be good!" I muttered.

I stood by for a second, until a certain nut ran in.

"HEY! PSYCHO BLONDIE! I THOUGHT I BANNED YOU FROM HERE!"

She ignored me, pushed the girl out of the way, and kissed Ted.

"Oh, shit. Why me?!" I whispered.

All of the sudden, my hidden earpiece went off.

"Iceman to Arrow, Iceman to Arrow. The Robin has spotted us. Requesting backup."

I scoffed. "Arrow acknowledges jackass' need for backup, but will not engage. Be advised: I warned you!"

I was called to Ted apartment less than an hour later. He sent me a text while my shift was wrapping up.

"Get to my apartment. You may want to see what's going on." He had texted.

I headed out the door and up the steps.

I was walking down the street with a bottle of wine in my hand. In a window above, Jeanette was throwing random things out the window of his apartment. Ted was sitting down on the ground.

"Go ahead and say it. Say you told me so about Jeanette." He said.

"I won't bother Ted. I think you know it already." I sat down on the curb with him, narrowly avoiding a spatula flying out the window.

"But I did damn well tell you." I muttered. Ted just faintly smirked. It was clear he was hurting.

"You want it?" I offered.

Ted grabbed the bottle and took a good swig.

Marshall and Lily showed up.

"Oh, hey, Ollie." Said Lily.

"Hey, Red." I replied.

"What the hell happened here?!" Said Marshall.

"Jeanette and I had a bit of a spat." He said.

"One where she did all the crazy yelling." I added. "Ted, I told you to ditch her the second she started that damn fire. No one in their right mind would stalk someone for almost 2 years."

"You were right, Ollie. What the hell am I doing?"

"You're moving on, Theodore. The right girl is out there. Also, if she hasn't smashed it yet, can I have a go at Donkey Kong Jr?" I said, eagerly.

Ted nodded as we saw Jeanette stick her head out the window.

"AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE, I FOUND THE FIREWORKS! LET'S SEE YOUR PRECIOUS PLAYBOOK GET BURNED UP BY THEM!" She screamed.

"NOPE! Jeanette, don't do it! It's Barney's life work!" He called.

"It's okay, Ted. It's time to call the end of an era." Said Barney. He had just walked up with Robin. "Blow it up, Jeanette."

"Finally, someone grew a brain!" I said to Barney. "There must be no lies among each other after the wedding, you got me?!"

I heard the lighting of a match, and the banging and whistling of fireworks as the Playbook burst into ashes.

As I started waving the finger to Jeanette, Robin handed Ted his plus one RSVP, he crossed it out, and put in "going alone".

"No more dating, you guys." He said. "I'm finally ready to settle down."

I sat down. "You said that many times before Ted, and yet this time, I think you're right. It's gonna happen, man. You just have to wait. It'll happen, bro."

All of the sudden, two red, ashen boots fell out the window.

"Oh, god! She got the boots!" Said Ted.

Blowing the flames out, I picked one up. They used to be tacky red cowboy boots.

"Don't tell me you actually wore these, Ted?!" I laughed.

"Hey! I pulled them off."

"Riiight." I sniggered.