Chapter 41: Redonkulous

When you're about to get married, there are, (of course) certain changes that go on in your life. Hell, changes are constant, no matter what our marital status is. Our lives are never the same, and they're always changing. Unfortunately, I soon saw that not everyone realized the same thing I did. Someone didn't really grasp the fact that their life was changing, and should've realized it.

April was starting to wrap up. With the wedding coming around, and summer approaching, this meant my hours would be increasing, and fast. So I always take April and May as a "calm before the storm", and tried to enjoy it as best I can.

That day in the bar, the most notable things to happen was first, seeing Barney come down to the bar. It had been weeks since he had last been there, so I was excited.

Second, a cute blonde walked in. What was weird was that she was wearing a gigantic coat.

"Red wine, please." She said.

"On it, miss." I replied.

As I was giving her the drink, Barney then ran up to me with a Franklin in his hand.

"Turn the heat up to as much as humanly possible, Ollie!" He said quickly.

It seemed urgent, so I ran to the back and cranked the thermostat to a huge level. Then I went over to the booth.

"What's with the hundred?" I asked.

Ted pointed at the blonde I had just served. "See that girl? We went to the same yoga class together. Most notable thing about her is that she has this just *redonkulous* body!"

"Redonkulous?"

"Re-wait for it-donkulous!" Said Barney. "And I'm trying to get a peek, but she's still not taking off the coat!"

It made sense, now. But I was pissed at Barney. For someone who was getting married in less than a month, he didn't really act like there was anything going on in his life. It was like he was still single, and checking out women. "Barney, I told you before: you're engaged to Robin. Fucking act like it!"

Barney mumbled "Yeah, yeah." and kept watching the blonde.

Lily then ran in. "Guys, big news! The Captain wants me to move with him to Rome for a year!"

"No way! That's awesome! I played enough Assassin's Creed to know it's an awesome country to visit." I said.

"Is that something you want to do?" Said Ted.

"Are you kidding?" Said Lily. "I always wanted to live abroad. My summer in Paris was awesome with the art, the history, and the free cheese just for wearing a low cut top."

"But what does Marshall think about that decision?" I asked.

"He doesn't know yet. I'm gonna call him and run it past him."

After a failed phone call where Marshall said he was busy, Lily then realized that going to Italy would mean Marshall wouldn't be a lawyer anymore if they moved. What I didn't know at the time was that a few months ago, while Barney, Patrice and I were working on "The Robin", Marshall won his law firm a case that should've won them a lot of money in expenses, but instead they got very little of what Gruber owed them, and as a result, Garrison and Cootes lost much business, and eventually fired all but two of their lawyers. Marshall was one of them, and he had been spending three months with nothing to do.

"Tough decision, Red." I said when Lily explained the tight spot she was in. "Having to choose between your career and what's best for your family. It tore mine apart 10 years ago."

While Lily called the Captain, Barney and I watched from afar as the blonde appeared to be reacting from the heat. At first it looked like the coat was coming off, but then...

"A scarf?! No! Don't put on! Take off!" Said Barney.

While it was bad for Barney to be saying this, I had to agree with that statement. I was halfway towards taking my own shirt off, because it was that hot.

"I'm calling creepy, Barney." Said Lily.

"Lily, it's fine." Said Barney. "It's like bird watching, and right now I'm watching a double breasted-Robin!"

As Barney said it, Robin did come in, and it surprised us all that she ended up hugging the blonde.

"And the plot thickens!" I said.

"Oh god! It's happening!" Said Barney. "And right in front of Ted so I can rub it in his face. THE BELT IS MINE!"

There was no chance of that happening, because it turned out, the blonde was actually the wedding planner, and her name was Liddy. Robin brought her over and introduced us to her. Lily left soon after.

Next came an embarrassing series of hidden boob references that Barney kept pointing out, yet for some reason Robin didn't notice at first.

"And here are the final menus." She said, handing them two fancy looking menus.

"We already discussed how this will play out, but let me be clear: you are the boss. So if there's anything you want me to remove, you just let me know. I'll remove anything for you. I'm serious. You want something off, I'll take it right off."

"Oh, fuck me." I muttered as quiet as humanely possible.

"Is it hot in here?" She said, suddenly.

Ted and Barney then tried to play it off as best they could, but they really could've used some practice with lying through their teeth.

As soon as Liddy left for the restroom, Robin spoke up.

"What's going on? Why are you guys acting so weird?"

"Ted says that Liddy has a 'Redonkulous' body!" Said Barney. "But there's no way of verifying it because she won't take off the coat!"

"Is that why it's so hot in here?" Said Robin. "Did you pay Carl to turn up the heat again?"

"No...it was me..." I groaned. "I feel ashamed that I did this for a hundred bucks."

"I was curious!" Barney tried to excuse himself. "I want to get the coat on the rack so I can see the rack that's under the coat."

"Unbelievable..." Sighed Robin.

Now he's gonna get it. Now Robin has a reason to be super pissed.

"I have been wondering the same thing! She never takes the coat off! Whatever she's smuggling under there has gotta be thermonuclear!"

Are you frigging kidding me? Not even that set Robin off?!

"So Ted, when you say 'Redonkulous'..."

"I can't ever try to describe it. It'd be like trying to describe a rainbow to a blind person."

That didn't seem too hard to describe. All you had to say was that it's a multicolor...nope, Ted was right. Describing a rainbow like that is impossible.

"Why don't you ask her out?"

"Well, I almost did. But then she took off that coat..."

Ted then gave us a brief story of how it went down at yoga. I can only imagine how insane it must have looked if he was not only seeing the body that was under the coat, but also seeing her do yoga.

"It was just too much. Indy himself wouldn't look at it. This is a body that would melt a Nazi's face!"

"Holy shit... I should get my phone ready for a picture this in case I get a peek!" I said.

"No chance, Blake. You're single, so you'd have stink." Said Barney.

"What stink?" I asked. "I don't stink right now, do I? It's because I turned the heat up, right? God, guys. I swear when I'm hot! Shoot me!"

"Not physical stink. Pheromonal stink a guy gives off when he wants action. If you were to ask her, she'd beat the crap out of you. But if Marshall did, she'd do it no problem, because he gives off no stink. He already found the girl of his dreams, and wants to spend the rest of his life with her."

This was exactly where I wanted Barney to be. Now that he was checking out other girls while he was engaged, it was time to give my ultimate comeback, and direct karma to bite his ass off: "So why don't you ask Liddy?" I said, innocently.

"Beg pardon?"

"Isn't Robin the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

"Yeah, Barney." Said Robin, catching on. "Why don't you ask Liddy to take her coat off? Aren't I the girl of your dreams and you want to spend the rest of your life with me and only me?"

"Of course, honey."

"So why don't you ask her?" Robin started giving Barney this look. A look that said his ass was busted.

"Uh...uh...uh."

"Checkmate, motherfucker." I whispered.

Liddy came back and then started going over more details of the wedding. Finally Barney found his pair and spoke up.

"Hey, uh, Liddy. Do you want to take off your coat?"

She stared at him for a second, then said "sure."

"No way!" I thought. "This is it! Get my phone ready because, baby I'm gonna see-oh HOLY SHIT!"

It was like staring directly into the sun with a telescope. It was mind-blowingly crazy, the body I was seeing. It was hard to even hold my phone steady. I did not get only 1 picture, unfortunately. I got 7! Haha!

"I can vouch for every single person that was at that table when I say that Liddy's body was indeed 'Re-DONK-ulous." I said later at the apartment. "I even got photographic evidence of the redonkulous ta-tas that are just as good as looking at the real thing!"

Lily then got a phone call from the Captain. Marshall had tried to get back her job, and the Captain agreed, so he offered the move to her one last time. But Lily rejected it. She admitted to being afraid of screwing up at her job.

"I just don't think I have what it takes to be an art consultant in Italy."

"Lily, look at me." I said. "I came to this place thinking I was going to make it with money pouring out of my pockets and the deed for a successful bar in New York in my hand. Almost 14 years later and that still hasn't happened, yet I don't regret a single moment that happened in this city, because it led to me having the life I live and love every day, with the friends I wouldn't trade for anything. Don't throw a great opportunity like this away."

"Thanks, Ollie. It's clear I need to talk to Marshall one last time before I make the decision."

"Always remember, Lily. No matter what happens in Italy, you and Marshall and Marvin will go through it 'insieme'. That's Italian for together." I explained after seeing her confused look. "I'd be willing to teach you the little Italian I know before you leave."

At the end of the day, Lily and Marshall agreed that they would move to Rome for the year, and planning would begin the following day.

"Nice work, Ollie. I think you helped Lily make that decision." Said Ted. It was approaching Last Call that night at the bar.

"I can't wait for my wedding. I mean, there is no way Liddy will be wearing that damn coat!" Said Barney. "Barney Stinson, do you hope she wears something slinky and backless? I do."

That asshole seriously had no control over his ability to check out girls. Why indeed did he deserve to marry Robin when he wasn't even acting like it? Ted was right, in a way. He didn't deserve Robin if he would say this shit so casually.

"Okay, can I say something, as your best man?" Said Ted. "Be careful."

"What do you mean?"

"You're not acting like a guy who's getting married in three weeks, no doubt, and I know you think it's cool because Robin's cool with it, but I'm telling you, she's not as cool as you think she is."

Thank you, Ted! Way to say it better than I would've put it.

"Oh...I see." Said Barney, mockingly. "And you'd know this because you know Robin better than I do. You know what she appreciates better that *her fiancee*!"

"Barney, don't do this. You don't get to say this shit to someone who's trying to help. We're both trying to do what's best for you." I said.

"I'm just saying that if I was marrying Robin-"

"BUT YOU'RE NOT MARRYING ROBIN, TED! I am!" Snapped Barney. "Robin's marrying me, not you!"

There was an awkward silence.

"You're right. It's not my place." said Ted. "I'll get the next round." He got up and headed to the bar.

"You unbelievable shithead." I snapped.

"Sorry, what did you just say to me?" Said Barney.

"I said that you're an unbelievable shithead. You really have no idea of what's going on, do you?"

"Nothing I should be worried about, that's for certain." He scoffed and waved me off.

I then did the only thing I thought was necessary. I grabbed Barney's drink out of his hand and chugged it back.

"I took your scotch. How's that make you feel? Bad? Good. BECAUSE YOU DESERVED THAT!"

Barney just stared at me with genuine shock. I guess he really was thinking he was in the right. If that's the case, then he was no different than Darth Vader, Voldemort, and all the other "heroes" he idolized.

"Ted's right, Barney. You may think it's okay to check out girls like the way you've been doing for the last, oh I don't know, EVER SINCE YOU WERE ENGAGED! But the real truth is that that's not okay. Robin is the one you're spending the rest of your life with, like it or not, and your treating it like it's just another Friday night of trying to pick up random skanks. I'll stand by your marriage with you and Robin with full support as your friend. But if you forget, even for another second, that it's not okay to check out girls the way you've been doing, then I will beat the living crap out of you."

Barney normally would've said something snide back if I was Ted. But I'm not Ted. I'm the guy who uses threats when he knows it's the only option instead of running away. And in that moment, Barney was doing the one thing that was driving Ted away from New York towards Chicago. He was stealing Ted's possible future with Robin, and treating it like it was an old throw pillow by saying those thing about Liddy in front of Ted's face.

"Try saying that again to Ted. Try rubbing his nose in the fact that Robin chose you over him, and I will give you what you clearly are asking for."

I got up and walked towards the bar. Ted had been watching.

"Uh, did I need to hear that?"

I shrugged. "Chicago, huh?"

Ted looked up. "I thought you wouldn't support the decision."

"I know what'd be in New York if you stayed after the wedding. Can't hang around Robin and Barney if he's gonna be an insensitive bastard like this for a long time. If you really think that Chicago is necessary, I'll support you completely."

"Not just yet, Ollie. Things haven't completely gone to shit for me just yet."

Yes, what I was doing was possibly going to interfere with Ted meeting Juno by pushing Ted to Chicago, but I knew fate well enough to know that they'd meet no matter what. And soon, too. Maybe Juno might give Ted a reason to stay in New York, but she was still with Louis at this point. Nothing good would come out of destroying what they had. Juno would hate me for making her break things off with Louis, and then I'd never see her again. So until then, Chicago would be the only option for me to allow Ted to take.

A/N: The next chapter will be the final one in this fanfiction. But Ollie's story is far from over. 2 weeks after the final chapter for "The Bartender", be on the lookout for "The Bartender Pt. 2: 56 Hours." That will cover all of the wedding weekend in Ollie's perspective, and a few scenes not in the final season to keep things interesting. When the next chapter releases, expect "56 Hours" to come within two weeks time. Thanks, and I'll catch you guys later.