I love the way everyone reacted in the reviews, it's always interesting to read other people's opinions. I have to be honest ladysmirnoff, I don't believe in second chances either. But this is a fic so anything goes; right? ;)
Guy, what I was trying to get across by Cuddy's reluctance to know details is that sometimes there's only so much pain you can take before enough is enough. And yeah, people do take back cheaters all the time which isn't always a good thing. Anyway, thanks for reviewing. :)
Just to let everyone know, there's going to be some flashbacks coming up soon.
Thirteen took a taxi home. After getting straight back to her apartment she didn't even contemplate phoning Cameron and inviting her over. Being with the other doctor was what had gotten her into this situation in the first place, and after everything that had happened sex was the last thing she wanted to be doing. She wished that she were back with Cuddy in her arms, kissing her, holding her. If she'd been allowed that was where she would be, repeatedly telling her beautiful girlfriend how sorry she was; but she had to honour Cuddy's wishes. There was still the slightest chance that Cuddy would take her back, and so Thirteen just had to be patient and wait for the decision to be made.
In some respects she didn't think Cuddy should take her back. What she'd done was arguably unforgiveable. She hadn't even had the guts to admit it until she was faced with no other option. And as much as she wanted to go along with Cuddy's original idea and pretend that this whole affair never happened; it wasn't going to work. She deserved and needed to be punished for her cruel actions, and Cuddy was the only person who could carry out that punishment. Everything else came second in her view; she could lose her job and apartment tomorrow, and whilst she might care, she cared a hell of a lot more about losing the love of her life.
Surely she deserved to lose her though? Just say hypothetically speaking, that Cuddy forgave her. She would be overjoyed, happy. There would be a great deal for them to overcome as a couple, but eventually they got through it. Where was the suffering? Where was Thirteen's torment, anguish? It was literally non-existent. Oh sure, she'd tortured herself ever since she first had sex with Cameron, but she'd been able to put it to the back of her mind at times; especially when she was with Cuddy. So it wasn't intense, it wasn't enough. Metaphorically speaking, the pain had to be a huge blow in the stomach before Cuddy should take her back.
As she played this scenario out in her head, it was as if a light bulb flicked on.
Thirteen knew what she had to do.
Was this really the right choice? It wasn't too late; she could change her mind. There was still time as she hadn't yet opened her mouth. She could plaster a smile on her face, pretend that it was all going to be ok. It wouldn't be, but for the sake of Cuddy she could put on an act. An act was what she'd performed for most of their relationship anyway. Ever since she was a little girl she'd always been talented at fooling people, at not allowing them to see what she was really thinking, what she was really feeling. If she was going to go through with it; it was a talent that would serve her well now.
She was stood before Cuddy in her office. It was the morning after Thirteen had admitted to what she'd done and they'd talked about Cameron, their own relationship, and Cuddy had stated that she needed time before she decided what she wanted to do. Deciding there was no point in holding off, Thirteen spoke first. "I've come to tell you something."
Cuddy sighed. She looked tired, upset. The bags under her eyes revealed that she hadn't gotten any sleep last night, and the fact that she was wearing less makeup than usual indicated that she was too tired to care about her appearance. With an exhausted edge to her voice that she was trying to hide she said wearily, "Let me speak first."
Thirteen obliged. It was the least she could do.
"I thought about what I want," she began. "And I've decided that as hard as it's going to be to forgive and forget; I don't want this to be the end."
Thirteen nodded, her eyes revealing the pain she felt. Cuddy's decision made what she was o do shortly even harder.
"I love you, and I want to be with you," Cuddy opened up. "It's not going to be the same, but I think if we start again from the beginning and we both make an effort... then we can get through this."
Thirteen looked down at the floor. She wished Cuddy would stop speaking. With each word she spoke it made Thirteen feel sicker and sicker. She took a deep breath, tried to stay calm.
"I've never felt this way about anyone before," Cuddy confessed. "So... yeah. That's it."
Thirteen still couldn't bring herself to say the words she needed to. She carried on breathing deeply, not wanting to throw up all over the floor.
"Are you going to say anything?" Cuddy watched Thirteen hopefully, her expression revealing that she was waiting for Thirteen to agree.
"I can't," Thirteen said, almost inaudibly. Then, louder, "I can't."
"You can't what?" Cuddy prompted, confusion etched on her face.
"I've hurt you so badly," Thirteen attempted to explain. "I don't deserve you."
"You made a mistake," Cuddy said firmly as it dawned on her what Thirteen was thinking. "That doesn't mean we have to be over. We can get through this."
Thirteen shook her head vehemently. She needed to make Cuddy understand that she couldn't just move on from it, she needed something to make her suffer. "No. I can't. For so long I've acted like everything is ok but it isn't. I realise that now," She paused, psyching herself up for two little words. "It's over."
"What?" Cuddy's voice betrayed her shellshock; and her eyes widened as she truly comprehended Thirteen's words.
"Don't make me say it again," Thirteen said with a pleading edge. As much as this was hurting Cuddy; it hurt her too. The only difference was that Cuddy was innocent in this whole sordid mess whereas she deserved everything she got.
"After everything you've done to our relationship you're the one who's walking away?" Cuddy's voice got higher as her anger increased, and furious tears formed in her eyes. "What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"I'm sorry," Thirteen mumbled, wanting nothing more than to run out of the office and not stop until she was far far away. She wanted her lungs to hurt with every breath she took, for her heart to beat so fast that she thought she was going to die. Instead she felt like she couldn't breathe, like her heart was tearing into tiny little pieces.
"You're sorry," Cuddy laughed and sobbed at the same time, a mixture of emotions hitting her all at once. "Oh well that's alright then, as long as you're sorry!"
Thirteen was struggling not to cry herself. "Lisa, I never meant to hurt you," she said earnestly. She stepped forwards, moving to brush Cuddy's cheeks dry.
"Don't touch me!" Cuddy yelled. Instinctively, without really thinking about what she was doing, she raised her right hand into the air and brought it down across Thirteen's face in a resounding slap. Thirteen stumbled backwards from the sheer force of it, and swaying on her feet she gazed at Cuddy in utter shock at her actions. Shakily, she lifted her own hand to touch her cheek, her skin burning beneath her palm.
Cuddy stood perfectly still, tears now freely flowing down her face. Her usually bright blue eyes were now a drained watery blue, hurt and pain emanating from them. Her arms were crossed over her front in a protective stance; almost as though she half expected Thirteen to retaliate. She wouldn't. She didn't want to because aside from the fact that she could never hurt Cuddy, she knew with every fibre of her being that she deserved a hell of a lot more than just a simple slap across the face. If Cuddy had chosen to give her a massive fuck off punch followed by a couple of broken ribs; she didn't think she'd care then. Part of her even wanted Cuddy to go that far. But Thirteen realised it would never happen; Cuddy was too decent a person to even contemplate going to those lengths in physically hurting Thirteen. The slap had been an instant reaction to the situation; not something that she'd planned to do.
"Get out," Cuddy ordered, voice low.
"Lisa," Thirteen had so much she needed to say to Cuddy; to explain to her properly why they had to end.
"Don't you dare," Cuddy spat. "Don't ever call me that again. Now do as I said, Dr. Hadleyandget the fuck out of my office."
There was no point in trying anymore; there was nothing left to say. Not really. Words were words, and no matter what she said they couldn't take back her actions, the decision she'd made. And so putting all her effort into holding back her tears, Thirteen did as was asked of her and left the office.
She had gotten her wish. It was over.