Helga stood and stared into the star filled night, hugging herself in protection against the cold December air. Although the lump formed in her throat her eyes remained studiously trained to the sky. She told herself to focus on the darkness, on the little pings of light those gaseous formations from thousands of miles away provided. Focus on her breathing, close her eyes and listen to her heartbeat. It was in those little things she could prove she was alive. In those measures of life she understood she could go on somehow.

She didn't know a person could live without their heart. That one could hear it beating tauntingly outside their body. All she knew was Arnold was her heart and right about now he was gone. A far as she was concerned he was as out of reach as the stars that seemed to get duller every minute she watched them.

But what else could she do? He was leaving. Really leaving. And not for a few months or a few days—forever. He was dancing and drinking at Gerald's for his goodbye party and everyone they knew was congratulating him on his new job in Chicago. Helga didn't know if she'd be able to hear her heartbeat again once he landed.

It was all her fault. He told her he had feelings for her. Told her he always saw what she tried to hide. He told her he loved her and wanted to be with her. He grabbed her and kissed her with everything in him. And she pushed him away.

Irony of Ironies, he was all she ever wanted. All she ever dreamed of. Through insecurities, anger and pain, he was never far from her thoughts. And when she finally had the opportunity to get everything she ever wanted, she pushed it away. When his lips touched hers she was sure she floated above her body, suspended in pure unfiltered bliss for the first time of her life. But she couldn't tell him the truth because he deserved so much better. He deserved someone good. Someone who wouldn't end up hurting him. She really had no other choice. She had to hide her feelings.

Self-fulfilling prophecies were a bitch.

And Helga G. Pataki was a coward.

So with one hand on the railing and another gripping the drink she poured she headed to the balcony for her private goodbye to the football headed boy.

Sorrow had long been replaced by resoluteness. In a few more hours her world would become a colder, darker place. He deserved happiness.

But so did she. What was denying her feelings really doing? Did it make him happier? More at peace? She saw the misery she caused and told herself it was for the greater good. That an ounce of heartbreak up front was better than a lifetime of pain and resentment later. But was that true? Why did she sacrifice her happiness for his when she never had to? Didn't she owe herself the truth?

She dropped the drink on her table and headed inside to get her coat. It wasn't over. She couldn't let it end this way. He needed to know how she felt, and for the first time she was itching to tell him.

Because she was brave enough now to fight for what she wanted. To rebel against those thoughts that told her he was better without her.

It took mere minutes to get to Gerald's. His place was packed, understandably so, as everyone gathered to say goodbye to their well-liked friend. She ignored the looks of confusion on some of their faces. Only one person deserved an explanation. She scrambled past old friends and murmured hellos to colleagues all the while looking for her Arnold.

It took a few minutes to find him but when she did she was destroyed all over again.

She watched as he hugged Phoebe. Watched as the petite girl smiled up at Arnold tenderly and gave him a peck on the cheek. Watched as that cheek kiss lingered and settled on his lips. Watched as that kiss escalated into smashed bodies and feverish limbs. Watched as the only person she ever trusted kissed the only person she ever loved.

She felt heavy and lost. Slowly backing away, she covered her hand over her mouth and retreated.

For the first time she didn't know where to turn, didn't know what to do. For the first time she was lost.

Because for the first time since she met him she knew she would have to truly and fully let him go.