Disclaimer: Characters owned by J K Rowling, obviously. The Mirror, imagined/owned by myself.
Summary: For everything in this universe, there is an opposite. Yin and Yang, Fire and Water, Light and Dark. So, for the Mirror of Erised, that shows you the deepest and most desperate desires of your heart, surely there must be an opposite? Beware, for when you look into the Mirror of Cosmaruri, you will see the darkest, most terrible nightmares – you will see whatever you fear the most.
WARNING! This story will contain SLASH, as in two blokes, in love. You have been warned.
The Mirror of Cosmaruri
Kakorrhaphiophobia
"Regulus?"
There is something hot and wet dribbling over my face.
"Regulus?"
It smells like blood.
"Can you hear me?"
It feels like tears.
"Regulus, it's me, it's Sirius!"
Sirius… His voice is quavering, unsure and afraid.
"R…Reg?"
I have never heard him falter, before.
"Regulus?!"
My brother.
"Reggie, please wake up… Please!"
My idiotic, headstrong, Gryffindor brother.
"C'mon, little brother, wake up!"
I… I don't want to.
"I'm here now, it's me, it's Sirius, I'm here!"
He is shaking me slightly, delicately, as though I'm made of glass.
"Please Reggie… "
Shh, Sirius. I'm sleeping…
"Open your eyes!"
No. It's too peaceful, here in the dark.
"Oh God, you can yell at me, hit me, hate me – I don't care, just wake up!"
Can't I just stay here, Sirius?
"I…"
Safe, and sleeping.
"Reggie I…"
In your arms?
"I couldn't bear it, Regulus! If you don't wake up, I couldn't bear it!"
Sirius… He is crying?
"I need you, little brother!"
I can hear his breath catching in his throat.
"I'm sorry that I left you!"
I can hear his heartbeat, steady beneath my ear.
"I'm so sorry that I abandoned you there, please, Reg, please don't punish me more than I have been already!"
Punish? That's not it.
"Please, don't leave me!"
I just couldn't bear it if you left me, again!
"Ohgod, Reggie."
I wouldn't survive, Sirius.
"Ohmygod."
Oh, please, Siri, please. Do not ask me to risk my heart, Sirius.
"Reggie! Wake UP!"
I'm not brave enough for that.
"You HAVE to WAKE UP!"
I'm no Gryffindor.
"Oh fuck, ohmyfuck, ohgod PLEASE, REGGIE!"
I wish I was a Gryffindor.
"REGULUS!"
I wish I was like you.
"REGULUS!"
I wish, oh, I so wish that you really, truly loved me! You sit here, wailing and crying, because you've lost something that you already threw away? The stench of bittersweet irony and heartbreaking hypocrisy is 'most too much to bear.
"Regulus…"
Sirius…
I wish with all of my heart that you hadn't left. That you loved me, and respected me – that you were proud of me. Mother and Father… They're so proud… So proud that their little baby is so… Evil. But I don't want to be evil. I want to be… I want to be a hero. I want to be one of you Gryffindors, loved and praised. I want to be remembered with honor, after I'm gone. I… I don't mean anything. To anyone.
Tears are welling up in my tightly closed eyes, and I can't keep them from escaping.
I can't help the way my breath catches in a sob.
I can't help the way I cling to him, my head bowed, weeping like a child.
And he knows just what I need. His arms tighten around me, and he whispers soft reassurances in my ear, his heartbeat ever-steady, a beating drum.
-----
RegulusRegulusRegulusRegulusRegulus…
When Sirius had finally come round, his whole body was shaking, wracked with spasms of phantom pain. Grasping his recently-healed shoulder, he sat bolt upright, gasping great lungfuls of air, and looked around frantically for his baby brother. He gathered Regulus into his arms, and tried desperately in vain to wake him up. Eventually he fell silent, tears dripping down his face, his breathing fast and panicky. Then, he heard it; a soft, gasping sob that sent an arrow of bittersweet hope straight to his heart. He felt Regulus stir, and cling tightly to him, and couldn't for the world prevent wide, shaky smile from spreading across his face. "It's okay now, Reggie." He gasped, gently nuzzling his face in his brother's hair. "It's okay, I've gotcha." Regulus hugged him back, and Sirius could feel tears seeping through his already damp shirt. If I could stay like this forever… If we could stay here, together, forever…
Eventually, however, Regulus, sat up, and Sirius' could've sworn that the further he pulled himself away, the harder and colder his face became. The younger Slytherin hauled himself to his feet, and Sirius quickly followed, staggering slightly. "Reg…" He could hear himself pleading, the tears burning in his eyes. This can't be it. This can't be all we'll ever have. We're brothers! We can fix this! We can! He must have been speaking aloud, because Regulus shook his head, his face unreadable, dead.
"Sorry, Sirius. It's too late now. We're so different, you and I. Like two side of the same coin. We're not brothers, Sirius. Not in our hearts." Sirius couldn't help the wounded, canine-like sound that escaped his lips, as his heart broke in two. Regulus looked at him, and Sirius glimpsed a flicker of pity in those stone-cold eyes. "I'm sorry, Sirius. I'm sorry, but I'm not like you! I'm not clever, or brave. My ability to hide behind masks of disdain and hatred… It's all I have! And that has to be enough." Sirius reached out, to comfort, to reassure, to tell Regulus that no, this wasn't it, they could figure something out… But Regulus stepped smoothly out of reach, and smiled slightly. "I love you, Sirius. You big, stupid Gryffindor. But in this world, in this life... Love is not enough. Don't forget me, Sirius. Even when it makes your heart bleed to think of me, don't forget that I lived. Okay?" Sirius couldn't, wouldn't speak. Maybe the tears would suffice. He stood silently, and watched. This time, it was his brother who was leaving – and him who was left behind. Regulus… You're always running... So fast, and so far... I hope that one day, you find whatever it is you're looking for, that you get to where you wants to be... I hope so.
He was still standing there, weeping silently, when Remus found him. "Sirius!" The werewolf embraced him instantly, pulling him into a tight hug. "Sirius, Sirius, don't cry, my love! Please don't cry!" Sirius could only cry harder, hugging Remus back, inhaling his scent, letting his boyfriend's warmth soothe him beyond all words.
"Remus… Remus he's gone! He looked into my head, and saw… He saw the Mirror, and it made him leave! He's not brave like us Gryffindors, Remus! It's taken his hope!" He could feel Remus hand trembling as he stroked his hair, and pulled away slightly, to look up at his friend. "R…Remus?" Surprisingly, Remus' eyes weren't filled with amber sorrow, or pity. Instead, they were glaring, ice-cold gold. Wolves eyes. "Remus! Remus!" He tugged on Remus' robe, and patted his cheek. Remus blinked, and scrunched up his face as though looking at Sirius was costing him a great deal of effort.
"Sorry, Sirius. I'm just… I'm just so furious! How could this HAPPEN?! We're CHILDREN, STUDENTS! We're in a SCHOOL! And to be facing these horrors… It's not safe! Dumbledore HAS to know, he knows EVERYTHING that happens here! What the hell is he THINKING, letting us be hurt like this?! He may be a genius, but if this is a matter of sacrificing the few for the GREATER FUCKING GOOD, then he's going to have some explaining to do!" Sirius grinned slightly, which just added to Remus' anger. "What the fuck are you laughing for?! This is serious! PEOPLE ARE DYING! AND HE'S JUST SITTING THERE, IN HIS IVORY TOWER, WATCHING US SUFFER! I- Sirius. What the hell are you doing?!" Sirius had in fact just planted a kiss on Remus' lips, surprising them both. "People could see you, Sirius!" Sirius shrugged, and grinned.
"I don't care, Moony. The only one I cared about not-knowing knew before US. So I don't care, anymore. I'm not ashamed of you, Moony." His grin widened at the shock and delight written all over Remus' face. He leant closer, and whispered in the werewolf's ear, "Besides, you're damn sexy when you're angry…" Remus couldn't help but laugh.
-----
Albus Dumbledore was angry. Really, truly, rightfully, furious. He had been sitting, puzzling over his chess-board, when his office door burst open, and The Marauders fell in. Sirius Black was tearstained and pale, hand in hand with Remus Lupin, whose eyes were a morbid kaleidoscope of horrified amber and wrathful gold. James Potter was there too, angry and flushed – hand in hand with Lily Evans?! The Head Girl! And then all four of them were shouting, yelling, and accusing him of not keeping the students safe! Really, it was too much. Dumbledore stood, eyes flashing, and pulled out his wand.
"SILENCE!" They fell silent – bar Sirius, who opened his mouth, only to be silenced by a quick squeeze to his hand from a suddenly pacified Remus. "How dare you come here and accuse me of not protecting my students! I spend most days – and nights – patrolling this castle, replenishing wards, and making sure that none of the HUNDREDS of dark forces out there can reach you! I spend my time and my energy and my magic shielding EVERY STUDENT IN THIS CASTLE from any evils found! I have NEVER heard such disrespect from a student in ALL MY TIME AS A TEACHER – no, in ALL MY TIME AS A WIZARD! I suggest you think very, very carefully about what you say next. Contrary to popular belief, I am NOT a patient man." He felt a small flicker of sadistic pleasure at the shamefaced looks on the Marauder's faces, and was about to dismiss them, when Lily spoke up.
"I'm sorry, Headmaster. But really, this is serious. We… There's something… It's hurting the students. And it isn't safe! We absolutely cannot let this continue." She bit her lip nervously, and Dumbledore felt in intrigue growing.
"What is this evil that you speak of?" Please don't be what I'm thinking of… Please… In the name of Grindlewald…
"The Mirror of Cosmaruri, sir." Dumbledore looked into the nervous face of Remus Lupin, and felt a sudden pang of sorrow and betrayal.
"Remus, my boy. That was years ago! Surely stirring up your friends into a campaign of mindless anger is the least profitable course of action possible?" He knew he had misjudged the situation when Remus flushed in embarrassment and confusion, and Sirius let out a growl of anger.
"Hey! He didn't stir anything! We've ALL seen the Mirror!" Dumbledore was speechless, a cold tingle of dread trickling down his spine.
"A…All of you?" He whispered, disbelieving. The four children nodded, and now he looked; now he really looked at them… Miss Evans is pale, and shaking, her eyes are wide and terrified. Mr. Potter… He looks lost, hopeless, desolate. Remus Lupin is wavering closer to the boundary between man and wolf than ever before. And Mr. Black… He looks furious. Angry, defensive. Protective. That means… No.
"Mr. Black. Did… Your brother, he didn't…" Sirius just nodded, his eyes suspiciously bright, and Dumbledore understood. They could withstand it, they could bear it, face it and move on. But little Regulus Black… He is not of the same heroic caliber as the rest. If he saw the Mirror of Cosmaruri, it would tear him apart inside. It's destroyed him, and they want… Vengeance. Assurance. Dumbledore sighed, and conjured four armchairs with a flick of his wand. "Sit." The four Seventh Years looked at each other, bewildered. "Sit!" At his urging, they sat, sinking uncomfortably into the electric-purple chintz. Dumbledore surveyed them over the top of his half-moon spectacles, and sighed again. "My children. Do you not think, that I would have destroyed that artifact of Darkness long, long ago, if I had any power to do so?" Their looks of shock, and disappointment were almost too much to bear. "I am truly sorry. But fear is a weakness in everyone. Even the strongest, most powerful of wizards have nightmares. I am testament to that."
-----
Later, when he was sitting alone in his office, Albus Dumbledore was the very picture of a defeated man. Head in hands, he glanced up at Fawkes, his loyal friend. "Ah, Fawkes. Whatever must they think of me? Probably the same as I. Albus Dumbledore, the greatest Wizard in the world. What a joke! A failure." He sighed and stared at the walls of his office, covered by the pitying faces of his predecessors. "What about you? Any of you? Did you face a challenge such as this? Such an undefeatable, menacing enemy… None can withstand it. I had heard rumors, of Darkness, of Evil lurking in the castle. Hiding behind the walls, watching the students, waiting, waiting for power to feast upon… I had also been told of its malice and its indestructible hold over any who saw it. Needless to say, I thought I was invincible. I thought only of defeating it, of people praising and rejoicing. Albus Dumbledore, Destroyer of Nightmares! I did not think… I had not thought I would be defeated. I… I still watch the memory, from time to time. It is a humbling reminder of my own mortality. Of my weakness. Of my failures." The Headmaster sighed, and stood up, making his way towards the cupboard at the back of the room. From a small golden case, he withdrew a crystal vile, filled with the pearly wisps of a memory. Only, these were not the soft, silky white of a normal memory. They were flecked with shards of red, and threads of black pulsed through the mixture like sharks. Shuddering, Dumbledore approached his Pensieve, and after a moments hesitation, plunged his head beneath the surface.
It is close to midnight, and as I walk the empty corridors, the air seems to be made entirely of shadows. At least, the shadows far outweigh the few tentative silver stripes of moonlight that filter in through the narrow windows. I cast a silent Lumos, the gentle glow casting a faint blue over the walls, flickering over the faces of sleeping portraits, slumped against their golden frames. I hum softly to myself, a pleasant tune of medieval origin, which fills my mind with the sound of pan pipes and crackling autumnal fires. I can almost taste the roasted chestnuts, almost see the ladies gowns flashing past in bright jeweled hues – sapphire, ruby, emerald and gold. I turn a corner, and everything stops.
My song seems unnaturally loud in the sudden silence. I fall quiet, and my eyes readjusting to the sudden darkness, imprints of bright color swirling before my confused eyes, my ears ringing with the echoes of the music. Elsewhere in the castle, all is silent as the grave. Usually, even though I've been a teacher for only a year, I can hear everything. I can hear the footsteps of the house elves, and the murmuring whispers of the ghosts. I can hear faint echoes of Peeves' laughter, and the cheerful jingling of the bells on his jester's hat. I can hear the soft snores of the portraits, and the creaking groans of the staircases changing. And sometimes, if Myrtle for once is silent, and the owl's mellow hooting grows quiet, I can just about hear the sound of Hogwarts herself, humming gently with the sounds of magic and life. But tonight, there is nothing but silence.
Silence and darkness.
The shadows are no longer velvety and warm, they are dark and ominous, and I feel as though they are hiding something. The moonlight's gentle caress has hardened, and falls across my face in cold bars of steel. The very walls of the castle seem to be glaring at me in animosity and disapproval. I cannot help but shiver, as something makes my magic freeze in my veins, and my Lumos flickers, and dies. Without the comforting blue glimmer, the castle is suddenly black as night, and there is a darkness that even my sharp eyes cannot pierce. I stumble forwards, a dozen incantations springing to mind, and all perishing before they can fall from my terrified, trembling lips. It is as though the air is made entirely of Dementors, draining my courage, my strength – even my magic. All I can see is darkness, and the occasional stone gargoyle, leering out at me, with eyes of stone fire, and a malicious smirk revealing granite fangs, poised to tear out my throat.
I stumble forwards a little more, my hands outstretched and then I see it. A glimmer of light. After all this mind-consuming dark, it seems to be my salvation. I run forwards, and freeze. There is a wizard standing before me, tall and clothed in robes of deepest blue. His hair and beard are as long as my own, but instead of auburn, they are as white as the moon. I lean forwards, and amidst the wrinkles, I can see myself, staring back. The twinkle in my eyes has faded, and died, and lines of sorrow and despair are etched on my brow. I am old. My hands are gnarled and shaking – they cannot even grasp my wand. For a moment, all I can do is look, and wonder. Is this a vision? Is this what will truly come to pass?
It is certainly not a terrible thing to behold. After all, we are all mortal. I shrug slightly, and step backwards, my interest waning. A mirror that shows ageing is hardly a very terrifying prospect. It's not likely to even be considered a Dark Artifact. And yet… There is something, something vicious and intelligent about it. I can feel a coldness radiating from the glass surface – a coldness that I have never felt before. I can feel it now, inside my head. My Occulumency barriers have been breached, and it's there, in my head, black and oozing malice, feeding on my thoughts, glutting on my hopes and my fears.
I take deep, rattling breath, panic freezing my blood. The image in the mirror warps, and changes. I am no longer frail, and shaking, but I am still old. There is a weary resignation about my face, and my slumped posture screams defeat. My mirror-image opens his mouth, and begins to speak.
The words falling from his lips are horrible, terrible, and I clap my hands over my ears in horror, but to no avail. The voice is there, broken and hopeless, echoing in my head. He is telling me of all the things I've done, everything I've ever done wrong. He tells me of my past. Of how I failed him, my Gellert, how I betrayed him. How I turned on him, and became the worst kind of wizard – a traitor. How I sacrificed him for the Light. The Light I did not deserve. I clench my jaw, and vow to withstand this. I would have succeeded, but then, just then, he begins to speak of my future.
I will be the reason Tom Riddle turns away from the Light.
I will be responsible for creating a monster of which the like has never been seen by wizard nor man.
I will be responsible for the deaths of thousands.
I will be responsible for the deaths of so many, so many loyal soldiers.
I will vow to protect them – and they will be destroyed.
I will swear to defeat him, but I will lose myself in the process.
I will try to save them all.
I will end up failing everyone.
I will fail them, and I will lead the world to its ruin.
I will fail them, and I won't be able to stop the sky from falling.
It will be my fault.
The Dark will never be eradicated.
All that is Light will fall.
Because of me.
Author's Note:
Kakorrhaphiophobia – A fear of failure.
Next Chapter: I'm going to leave this next chapter as a bit of a surprise…