They have been home for over 2 weeks now and these conversations she has been having with sleeping Laylee have become a regular thing. It usually happens when Laylee is taking a long nap in the middle of the day and Logan is working, or in the middle of the night when he sleeps. She talks to the sleeping child in the bassinet, and a part of her feels that she is talking to a gravestone- one that she herself built. Rory cannot bring herself to be around Laylee when she is awake, afraid that all her fears will come true, but when Laylee sleeps and all she has to do is look at her tiny chest rise and fall, she finds herself talking to the little girl with so much love and care- almost as if to compensate for everything else.
Laylee is almost 15 weeks old now, and in a week they have their first doctor's appointment in the community. Logan has been taking Laylee to the doctor's office every week to weigh her and make sure she's growing properly, but this is her first appointment with the actual doctor- like a real baby, just not. Their doctor is not the one that Rory has researched before Laylee was born and dug around for references about. No, their doctor is a NICU specialist, that also has a 'regular' pediatric practice, and somehow Logan has managed to get them to the top of the long waiting list and in to see him this week, in time for when they were told she should have her first follow up with their personal doctor. She didn't ask Logan how, but it warmed her heart that he fought for his baby to get the best care around.
It was the middle of the night again, Laylee was and Logan were sleeping, and Rory just couldn't fall back to sleep. She doesn't know what woke her up, but the end result was identical. Rory was awake, and she sat up and put her hand into the bassinet, putting her finger by Laylee's hand. The infant immediately caught it, just like she used to do at the NICU. The NICU, a place that Rory both loved and hated. They saved her little girls life, but Rory felt like she left a part of her back there. She couldn't help but blame her current hardship with Laylee on some of the stops on the crazy rollercoaster they took a ride on while there. She thought about the shock of her water breaking, the sight of the little creature in the incubator, and the day that she was sure she lost her.
Laylee was two days old, when her heart stopped. She remembers before, when she thought Laylee was looking a little flushed. She was too scared to reach in and touch her, even though the nurses seemed to be pushing her to do it. She heard a monitor beep, but that was not unusual in the NICU. As if out of thin air, there were nurses and doctors around her, and one of the nurses was ushering her outside. "Your daughter's heart stopped, it's not unusual in such little preemies, but we are doing our best to bring her back". And Rory was left outside, staring at them from the window. "You should probably tell them to stop, Rory. Isn't it cruel to put her through all this suffering just because you are so desperate to hold on?" Shira has showed up from nowhere, and her voice was calm and cold. Rory was so stunned, she couldn't even think of what to say. "This is just another proof that you and Logan, together, are just not a good combination. You are broken, Rory. Let her go, it's not fair to her, and it's not fair to Logan". Certainly, this playing at her deepest insecurities was not helping, but Rory could swear she saw a smile on the doctor's face, and the monitor was showing little peaks in the pattern. Maybe her baby was fighting. "It's for the best, some things are just not meant to be" She heard Shira, she noticed Logan was there and then Shira was gone, but Rory had already given up.
She didn't tell them to stop. Not the antibiotics, the ventilation, not anything. Neither did Logan. They gave her a name, but Rory had already come to accept that Laylee is gone. She lost all hope for her little girl that day, and she can't quiet recover from that. What do you do when you have already, in your mind, buried your living child? Rory didn't know how to get over that. She didn't know how to bring herself to care for Laylee again. She loved her, but she couldn't think of her as here and alive, growing, developing becoming a normal child. So much was still in the grey zone, and it just didn't make it easier to accept that she is here, alive and kicking.
And yet, Rory was nursing. The doctors, nurses, and everyone told her that it's what's best for Laylee, and she couldn't prevent it from her child. She pumped for Laylee for many weeks until the Laylee was capable to breast feed. That feeling, that Laylee was depended on her, is what saved Rory. It is what saved her from self destructing. It was her only connecting string to this child, that from day to day was more and more Logan's girl, but this was just her and Laylee. She still pumped, and at least once during the night Logan gave Laylee a bottle, but she was nursing Laylee the rest of the day and night, and that meant she had to hold her. She had to hold her, and look at her, and acknowledge that she is here and living. For those moments, Rory tried to avoid thinking of what will be and just focused of the little tiny fingers that held on to her. Laylee would fall asleep, or just stop eating, reality would pop her little bubble, and Rory again will be at a loss of what to do with the miniature baby.
No one ever taught her anything about babies. She did not babysit, and in general was a little afraid of how fragile these little creatures are. Lorelai never pushed her. When Gigi was born, she held her for a few minutes, and that was it. Honor and Lorelai were both joking about Rory and Logan needing some experience with kids now that they are about to have their own, but that never happened. Rory loved her brothers, but just like Luke, she was very happy to glance at will and Jaime from a distance, or play with them on the floor. Honor kept threatening to go away with Josh and leave them to watch Matty for the weekend, even though they rarely saw the boy. It seemed like everyone around them had little ones, but no one bothered to show her how to change a diaper or make them burp.
She felt arms wrap around her, and Logan pulling her back to bed and away from her thoughts. She let him, feeling him wrap around her in that bear hug, and slide a leg between hers. She has come to a painful realization, that they haven't had a normal conversation since Laylee was born. Logan is home more, but they speak less, and when they do talk, it's about Laylee. She doesn't know what happened, but it's as if she is afraid to go to him. He has been this super-dad, taking over everything so that she doesn't have to, and she's…she's not. She doesn't know who is more disappointed in her, herself or Logan, but all she can see in his eyes these days is worry and pity. He holds her when she cries, hugs her when she almost falls apart, but she has kept him completely outside of what she is feeling or thinking. She is afraid to talk to him, afraid that she will disappoint him yet again and that he will leave her- with Laylee or without.
"Ror.." he says, sounding groggy from sleep "why are you not sleeping?"
She didn't know what to tell him, so she just turned and snuggled into his chest. He still smelled like her Lagan, and his strong arms around her made her feel safe.
"You want to talk about it?" He asked, knowing full well what her answer will be. He felt her shake her head against him, and then he felt her warm tears. She was crying again, and his heart went out to her. He didn't know what to do, so he just sighed and hugged her closer. Outside the sun was sending its first rays out to light up the world, but it seemed that right now, their world was having a blackout.