It's been a month since they have been home and Logan could tell that Rory was just as closed up in herself as she's been these past 4 something months. He set up the stroller, showed her how to wrap the carrier, gave her the monitor- but Rory was just not interested. She felt trapped, and did not see that he's trying to give her a key to her self- made prison. Yesterday Lorelai called to check in on Laylee, and ended up telling Rory how exhausted she is running after a 20 month older, with a baby that wouldn't let her put him down. She went on and on about how nicely Will is picking up new words, how Jaime is standing in the crib already, what a mess they do when they eat, and he saw Rory's eyes glaze over, knowing she has stopped listening a while ago. Thankfully, Laylee had woken up and it gave them an excuse to get off the phone, to Lorelai's ranting of "how many people does it take to get one baby?"
He knew those words hit Rory in the soft stomach. While he was positive that Lorelai did not mean it, she hit the nail on the head. He knew that Rory will take it as another approval to her failure to be the perfect mother she really wanted to be, the mother she perceived Lorelai to be. He thought to how much their lives changed in the past few years. Rory graduated from college, and turned down his proposal, breaking his heart. He went to California, and spent his days in the office, lifting the company off the ground and making it the success it is today. He came home from a successful launch party of one of the sites they created, to find a tired Rory on his door step, with pleading eyes. They talked, they yelled, they kissed and she stayed. She free lanced for an online magazine, and almost burnt down the kitchen trying to make dinner once. He proposed to her the day before Thanksgiving, right before they were going home to spend the holiday with their families. She said yes this time, and when they were in Stares Hollow at her mother's, he couldn't help but looking at her holding tiny Will and thinking that one day it will be their own baby. They moved back to the Connecticut where he can drive in to the city and work and she can be close to her family that January, although he thought it was really nice to be living 10 minute drive from his sister and bran new nephew. Laylee was tinier than Will, Jaime or Matty, and Logan knew that Rory loved her brothers but missed the small, intimate family her and Lorelai used to be, and she strived for some guidance.
He thought back to just 6 weeks ago, their first anniversary. He was always the one for big gestures, full of love, but with Laylee still being in the NICU, there was not much wiggle room. She found flowered and chocolate when she woke up in the morning, and a beautiful card with some yummy decorated cupcakes by Laylee in the hospital. Logan also gave her a beautiful necklace, and they spent the day talking to various doctors about Laylee's upcoming discharge. He took a tired Rory out to dinner, somewhere no more than 15 minute drive to the hospital, where she picked at her food and didn't really look him in the eye. They both had their cell phones on and on the table- in case someone needed to reach them. They went home after dinner, watched their wedding video and he thought he saw tears in Rory's eyes. They never ate the cake that was still in their freezer, but he carried a sleeping Rory upstairs and put her in their bed. As he settled in and wrapped his arms around her, he heard her whisper "I love you Logan. I love you and I'm so scared" He hugged her tightly, and she silently cried herself to sleep. Two weeks later they took Laylee home, and Rory still barely looked him in the eye.
This afternoon he decided to go to the supermarket, alone. It would be the first time since they brought Laylee home that she would be alone with Rory, and he thought that some alone time might do them good. He came back an hour later and found a screaming Laylee in the moving swing and a crying Rory, that couldn't stop the thing to take her out. He didn't understand it. Yes, Rory and technology weren't the best of friends, but she could have just turned the dial. The stress of the crying baby and the tears obstructing her sight were just too much for Rory. The second Logan got Laylee out- she ran upstairs and shut herself in their bedroom.
He didn't know what to do- he didn't know if he should run after her, if he should leave her alone, he just couldn't read her right now. So he stayed down there, rocking Laylee until she stopped screaming. "What should we do now, Layls? What do you say about making your mommy's favorite dinner? That sound yummy to you?" He went to his office, opened his laptop and was goggling pot roast recipes with Laylee resting on his chest.
Rory was frustrated. Between her fear of everything baby and the four walls looking to close in on her, she just couldn't take it anymore. As soon as she knew Laylee was safely in Logan's hands she took a bag, threw some cloths and her toothbrush in it- and ran out of the house, not saying anything to Logan. All he saw was her escaping form and heard the front door crash shut.
He heard the door shut and it made him jump. He didn't know what to do. He adjusted the baby in his arms and ran to the front door, but Rory was already gone. He contemplated following her, but realized he was too late for that. She was gone, and he had no clue where she was going. He tried to call her, but she didn't answer. On the fifth time he got her voicemail, he hung up and texted her, telling her that they needed her. He put Laylee in the swing, and went to get groceries from the car. He will make pot roast for Rory, and tonight, they will talk- and he will find a way to help her, to help them.
Rory was running. She didn't know where, but she just had to get out of there, be somewhere without that screaming creature. She didn't know what to do with herself anymore. She loved Laylee, she really did, but she just couldn't bring herself to deal with the situation she was thrown into. Her baby wasn't perfect. Her body failed her. It was as if she couldn't do anything right. She disappointed herself, Logan, her mom, everyone. Worst of all, she disappointed Laylee. That was the one thing she just couldn't live with. What will become of her baby? Will she talk? Walk? Read? Learn? Will she be a regular child? Will she have problems? No one could tell her, and that scared her out of her mind.
She was surrounded by comparison. She avoided talking to anyone, because she didn't want to know how well everyone else was doing. Both her mother and Honor were talking about all the new things that Will and Matty were doing, steps, words, mischief. Her mother just today told her that Jaime is already standing up! He is only 3.5 months older than Laylee, and she had a hard time believing that Laylee will be doing that in such a short time. So yes, the doctor told them that Laylee always deserves 3 months "credit" and to correct her age, which meant that really, she's only a month old, but Rory could not see her daughter pulling herself up and standing in the crib in 6 months time.
She can't stand looking at her beautiful baby, because she felt that any second someone will drop a huge rock at her head. She can't fall in love with her baby, if she might not make it. She can't be happy at every little milestone, fearing it will be the last one. She can't look into her baby's eyes, fearing that she might fail her.
She was alone. Scared and alone. Logan has already called her phone a million times, but he seems to have quit. She opened a text from him, and smiled. She knew she left Laylee in good hands. She went into a diner, determined to get a decent cup of coffee. She was drained. She hasn't eaten a decent meal in weeks, she was nursing, and she generally felt like something has been sucking the life out of her in these last couple of months. She was sitting in this diner, sipping on her coffee and waiting on her cheeseburger, and she stared out the window at the park. Little kids were running around there, mothers and fathers with strollers, carriers, at the swings and slides. And then she saw them, this family. She looked at how beautifully they seem to manage, and she stared at them for the next 20 minutes.
She was scared, but she knew she had no other choice. She had to find someone to talk to about this. She will not be the one to add more complexes and issues to her daughter's life- she was born with plenty. She was going to find someone, someone that will help her through this, someone that will help her be a true mother to her little girl.
She looked at her phone again. "I love you, please come home. Laylee and I need you" Logan had texted her. She knew she had to go back- for Laylee. She couldn't be like Sherry, just getting up and leaving her daughter behind. She thought of her sister- and how she always craved being around Rory and Lorelai, and how not having a mother affected her. She made a reminder on her phone to call her father and baby sister, and finished her cup of coffee. No, she will go home. She will go home and sit down with Logan, and together they will figure it out.
Logan was so good to her, and Laylee loved him. She had noticed how only the lightest touch from Logan is enough to calm the squirmish child, how Logan walked around the house, worked, cleaned, made dinner, all with Laylee strapped to his chest. She noticed how Logan is home, how Logan was at the hospital, taking care of his family, staying close. Their family. They were a family now. The three of them were a little family, and it made her smile, because no matter what- no one will ever be able to take that away from them. They were now a family.
She walked into the house hours later. It was past dinner time, and she found Logan walking around with a whining Laylee in his hands. He looked at her, and smiled. She smiled back.
"May I?" She asked, pointing to Laylee.
"Uh, sure. Maybe you'll have better luck" He hesitantly handed her the kvetching baby, half in blind hope and half in disbelief.
"Hey there baby, Mommy's here… Shhh, its ok" she sing songed, and held Laylee close to her. Laylee calmed momentarily, and started crying again. Rory sat on the couch, shifting the baby in her arms, and finally attaching her to her breast. She looked at her little girl, sucking away happily, and tears flew down her face. "Why didn't you give her a bottle? She was just hungry. Poor thing… She's so tiny as it is" She turned her deep blue eyes at Logan, looking at him helplessly, and he bent down to her.
"I did Ace, she wouldn't take it, it's right in the other room if you want to see" He wiped her tears, and looked at Laylee. "She loves you Rory, and really, why would she want a bottle when she knows she can get the real thing?" he looked at her, smiling. Rory's look softened, and she sniffled.
"I'm sorry" She returned his smile, melting into his deep chocolate eyes.
"I know" He said, kissing her forehead, and she knew he could tell exactly what she meant.
A/N: So sorry this wasn't out before. I have been so busy with school and such, but I promise to try harder to update this more frequently. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and let me know what you think! This was challenging to write, and I sure hope you see that I invested a lot of time into this. I still am looking for a beta reader, and would love to hear more from you. REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW.