I know, it's been forever. Is anybody still reading this? As a slight compensation for the delay, I give you the longest chapter so far. Enjoy.
This is brought to you thanks to my most amazing beta- Fluffernutter8
"Rory? Logan? Anybody home?" Lorelai yelled as she walked into the house. She was greeted by silence, baby toys and equipment spread around the living room. "They must be out. Alright, boys, let's just wait and surprise your sister, okay?"
"K, Momma," she heard Will mumble from where he was hiding behind her legs, a little intimidated by his new surroundings. He sniffed again and she told herself that it was allergies. Her boys just had allergies. She looked down at Jaime, sleeping in the car seat, and set him down by the couch in the living room. "Come, kiddo. Let's get you some toys to play with until the Huntzs get home".
She walked into the little library, which Rory had told her they were going to convert into the playroom, and looked for the bin of boy toys that they kept. She chose a few cars and trucks and dropped them on to the carpet. Will immediately dropped to his knees and began racing the vehicles around. Lorelai smiled down at him and then began looking around the room. She realized quickly that clearly the library they intended to turn into a playroom was not being used as such. They hadn't gotten around to changing the carpet, and most of their books were still there. The few shelves with kids' books were slightly messier then Rory's usual pristinely organized bookcases, but nothing else seemed to have been moved. The only change to the décor was the Pack 'N' Play, and the activity mat that lay on the carpet, still in its original packaging.
Lorelai opened the double doors that led to the living room wide, and went to check on her sleeping boy. Good thing that Rory has an amazing collection of books and movies, she thought as she sat on the couch, frowning. "Things must be looking up if they are out," she whispered to Jaime, trying for optimism.
"So… Rory. I think I'm going to refer you to Dr. Kelmar, okay? I've known her since college, and she is considered one of the best psychologists in the area. I refer a lot of my NICU moms to her." Dr. Goldstein announced, pulling out a small business card and handing it to Rory. She accepted it, a little stunned at the proclamation, coming as if to finally confirm that something was truly wrong. "Laylee is doing well. I'm very happy with her progress. She is holding her head nicely, and I think that the slow weight gain simply means that she's burning a lot of calories on breathing and growing. You should schedule a hearing test for her, give her lots of tummy time, and continue to bring her in to be weighed, alright? I'll see you in a month. Rory-" he turned to face her. "This is something a lot of mothers deal with, and is almost to be expected after everything that you have been through. Laylee's a champ, she's beautiful, and we just need to have patience. Just…have patience." He patted her on the shoulder before walking out of the little exam room.
"Ace... Hey, hey, Ace, look at me. You heard the man. Lots of mothers overcome this," He said after spotting the deepening frown on her face. "You are getting help. That is nothing to be ashamed of. Besides, you saw how he smiled when he looked at Layls." Logan smiled himself, trying to reassure her.
"I know. I know I'm doing the right thing. It's just…I just want to be normal again. I want not to need counseling to deal with being a mother. I wanted to hear that she is definitively going to be fine, that we don't need any more tests, and that's it. But I guess that at least she's on the right track." Even as she said it, it was clear that she was trying to convince herself more than Logan. She looked at the dozing child in her arms, and thought about the little newborn they were sitting next to in the waiting room, healthy, alert and looking about twice Laylee's size. She didn't have much time to mull over how different her baby was from all the other kids surrounding them, since they were called into the room seconds after they sat down. Their strict-looking nurse spent the walk down the hall admonishing them for sitting in the waiting room, keeping Laylee next to the sick children. In future, she reminded them, they are never, ever to sit in the waiting room, but should instead go to the secretary to ensure that they are brought into a room immediately. Yet another thing to worry about, another thing that makes them different from other couples.
Logan's voice brought her back. "They told us at the NICU that it's going to take time. That we need to give her the credit, and that they can't predict what will happen. There is a lot we won't know for a while, Ace. For now, she's doing great and keeping on track, so let's live in the moment. Come on, let's go home. I bet that reporter in you wants to research this psychologist, and you should catch up on the sleep you didn't get last night." He picked up the car seat from the floor and placed it on the examination table, holding it steady to let Rory place the sleeping Laylee in it before buckling her in.
"Yes, let's go home. I'm hungry, and soon she will be too," she said, not looking Logan in the eye as she pushed the blanket under Laylee's feet.
When he pulled up to their house fifteen minutes later, the first thing he spotted was Lorelai's Jeep. "Shit," he managed to spit out, looking at the sleeping girls in his car. This was not good. He quietly killed the engine and walked around, opening Laylee's door and unclicking the car seat from its base. He walked up to the front door and opened it quietly, hoping to find Lorelai there alone. Instead, he found himself trying his hardest not to fall over as Will jumped at his legs.
"'OGAN!" he screamed, effectively rattling the sleeping Laylee. Jaime was playing on the carpet, Lorelai sitting on the couch reading some magazine. Laylee started screaming, protesting the rude awakening, and Logan put the car seat down, trying to calm her.
"Shhh, baby. It's ok, Daddy's here. That was just your uncle making noise. Shhh, you're ok." Realizing that these were futile attempts, he unbuckled her and picked her up, holding her to his chest. Laylee calmed instantly. "That's it princess. Shh. It's just some visitors." He looked at Lorelai with a questioning look.
"We were getting a little bored at home- you know, cabin fever- and thought we would pay you guys a visit. I haven't seen Rory or Laylee since you guys got discharged and, uh, I just wanted to see how you are doing." She looked uncomfortable, switching her gaze from Jaime on the floor to Logan trying to soothe the baby. "Where's Rory, anyway? You only took one car, so I assumed she'd be with you. You don't have her stashed in the trunk, do you?" She looked at him, a small smile on her face.
"She's still in the car. She fell asleep on the ride back, she's exhausted. I was going to get her, but, well, got jumped," he replied, tilting his head in the direction Will had run off in. He held out the baby gently. "Do you mind holding her for a minute so I can get Rory? I don't think she will take too well to being put down again".
"Um, sure." She took Laylee from him, and he walked out the door. "Hey, kid. Nana missed you! How are you?" She looked down at Laylee, as if looking for an answer. She noticed that her eyes were clear Gilmore blue by now, shining and bright. "Little copy of your mommy, aren't you? Just miniature." She turned around to face her own baby who was rolling on the floor happily. "I think you still weigh less than your uncles did at birth, babe. Better catch up on that eating. Here's hoping the famous Gilmore metabolism won't hold you back."
"As long as it comes with the famous Gilmore appetite, which it seems to, I think she'll be fine" Logan informed her, maneuvering through the doorway. "She's gained almost a pound and a half since discharge. We weighed her at the doctor's office this morning. Five pounds, seven ounces. An improvement, but still itsy bitsy," He managed to close the door gently with his foot before heading straight upstairs with Rory in his arms. She stirred for a second, but put her head back on his shoulder almost immediately.
"Logan? Is my mom here?" she said sleepily as he placed her on the bed.
"Yeah. Don't worry about it. I'm going to go down and try to give Laylee a bottle. You get some sleep. You were up most of last night with her." He covered her with the big duvet, watching as she stirred to wakefulness nonetheless.
"What? No. I'll feed her." She was sitting up in bed already, sleep slipping away from her. She put her head in her hands. "God, what is Mom doing here? Is she alone?"
"She brought the boys with her. They're playing downstairs." He tried to sound calm and in control, but it somehow came out sounding desperate anyway. He knew that this wasn't going anywhere good. "Stay here, babe, I'll bring Laylee to you."
"No, no. Why would she come here with them? She knows this could be bad for the baby." There were tears in her eyes, and Logan stopped her from getting off the bed, putting a hand on her knee and wiping her tears. He could feel her trembling now, desperately trying to regain control.
"Ace, she's your mom, and she missed you. You're tired, hungry, sleep-deprived and not really yourself. Take a deep breath before you go down there, okay? I'll make sure the boys don't go near Layls." He kissed her on the forehead and went down the stairs, heading into the kitchen to get Rory some water.
Lorelai was watching her boys giggle as Will was making sound effects while playing with their toy cars. She saw Logan head into the kitchen, messing around with something there. Laylee was still in her arms and had started to complain every time she stopped moving. She was walking around, gently bouncing the baby, when she heard someone coming down the stairs.
"Hey, Mom," Rory said, standing at the base of the stairs in jeans and a thin T-shirt, her eyes red. "Here, let me take her, she's probably hungry," she said, reaching for her daughter.
Lorelai studied her as she handed her the baby. She looked exhausted, and worn. Her jeans were hanging off her body, her hair was up in a messy bun, and there was almost no color in her face. This girl in front of her did not resemble her brilliant daughter even one bit, but at least she looked and sounded more confident when holding Laylee. She looked at Rory as she sat down in the oversized Lazyboy. It was frightening how her body was almost lost in it.
"Here, Ace. Eat something, and take your vitamins," Logan said, handing her a plate with a sandwich and some pills with a cup on water.
"Thanks." She smiled at him weakly. Something was at least shining in her eyes now, Lorelai noted as she looked at Rory nursing.
"You're still taking prenatals? Something you want to share?" she asked, her best playful smile in place.
"Yeah, my doctor says I should take them as long as I'm nursing. And, well, I'm not planning to stop- particularly not now when she's been resisting the bottle these last couple of days," Rory said. She glanced at Logan swiftly, looking sad and almost ashamed. Lorelai looked between the two, trying to decipher the silent words spoken between them.
"Will, want to come outside and check out the new playset? We can take Jaime to the baby swing, too," Logan offered, hoping to get the boys away from his fragile girls. "Come on, buddy, Jaime and I are heading out!" He picked up Jaime from the floor, and held his other hand out to the toddler. Will looked up at Lorelai for permission, but he was already holding Logan's hand.
"It's okay, baby, go have some fun with Logan," she smiled. It would give her some much needed time with her baby girl. She turned back to Rory as they walked out the door, sitting on the couch and facing her. "Are you sure you're not… I mean, I know you guys are probably careful, but you look, um, pretty drained, and you haven't touched that sandwich." Rory looked up at her, frown on her face.
"I'm sure, Mom. I'm just tired. Laylee was up pretty much all night last night. Mostly nursing, though, which is good." Lorelai didn't look convinced.
"Ror, you know, things happen even if you don't mean them sometimes… And some of them might even be great things…You know I always love a good surprise!" She was truly uncomfortable with the subject, but she wanted to get to the bottom of why Rory looked so unlike herself.
"Trust me, Mom. Logan and I are using the only birth control method proven totally effective," Rory said, looking down again. She looked sad, and a little annoyed, like Lorelai had just hit a sensitive spot.
"Oh, Ror, I'm sorry. I didn't mean… I'm just- just worried about you. You don't talk on the phone with me anymore, I know Lane hasn't heard from you, your dad is worried, and you barely leave the house. Having a baby doesn't mean having to be locked in all day, hon." She touched her shoulder, trying to get Rory to look at her.
"You're right Mom, having a baby doesn't mean stay home all day and avoid life." Rory said, sounding angry for the first time. "But having a preemie, a baby that is so tiny and fragile means exactly that. Not exposing her to too many people, especially not other children, washing your hands all the time, have Purell in every room in the house, hoping that her immune system will develop soon. Constant feedings, waking them up every three hours to eat, and being up at night, watching her sleep if you think she might have the slightest signs of a cold, hoping she won't decide to stop breathing. That's what it's like, mom. She's little. You heard Logan. Less than six pound at a month old, corrected. If she catches that cold Will has, she could get pneumonia and land in the hospital- on the ventilator again. Every appointment, every checkup, the doctors warn us to keep her away, protect her. And my own mother comes into my house- putting my baby at risk…" Rory was crying now, trying her hardest not to get too worked up, so she wouldn't disturb Laylee.
"Rory… I- I don't know what to say. I know it's hard, and it's definitely different, but she seems fine now. She's growing. Both the boys have spring allergies, that's it, I wouldn't bring them here if I thought otherwise. And they miss you, especially Will. He asks where you are you all the time. He wants to know why we never see! You can't completely cut yourself from the world, hon. It's not healthy for you or Logan." She didn't know what else to say, how to calm Rory, or help her. "I know you're scared, babe. But you can't shut yourself in the house for the rest of your life." She tried putting a hand on Rory's shoulder again, but Rory shrugged her off. "Hon, if there's something going on between you and Logan, you can talk to me. Anything, really. I'm here for you."
"What makes you think that there's something wrong between Logan and I? Or that you know anything about my life right now?" Lorelai's words had had the opposite effect, and Rory was thoroughly hurt and pissed off, anger and betrayal shining in her eyes. "You call me to tell me about how great the boys are doing. I tell you how the baby is. You never ask how I am, Mom. You are so wrapped up in your own life. Don't come here preaching me. You know that I love my brothers, so much, but I can't be near the little...bacteria carriers right now! I can't put them or you or Dad or anyone before my daughter. And if you truly wanted to just be here for me and talk to me- You could've come alone, or heck- called and actually TALKED to me. Logan and I are dealing, and we're doing fine. Luckily I seem to have beaten the need to get up and run away when the going gets rough a little earlier in life than you have," she shot out, her look penetrating and acidic.
"Wow, Ror. Congrats. You sure know where to point your arrows. You know where to find me if you need anything, right? Although, maybe you've been watching a little too much Veronica Mars because you don't seem to need anyone. I'm going to take my little bacteria carriers home now." Lorelai stormed out of the room, tears in her eyes, refusing to acknowledge that Rory was crying too.
"Shit. Shit. SHIT." Rory tried to wipe the tears off of her face "Oh, baby. Mommy is saying bad words, huh? I'm so sorry Laylee. I'm so, so sorry." She stroked her thumb over the baby's soft, delicate cheek and bent down to kiss her forehead. Laylee looked unfazed by everything that was going on around her, eating slowly and quietly.
In the kitchen, Lorelai was trying to collect her thoughts. She pushed away from the counter, wiped her tears and went to the back yard, taking the boys from Logan. She messed up bad, she knew. She just didn't know what to say to Rory anymore, and that was a feeling she had always hated. Her baby was all grown up, and she barely knew her anymore.
Logan walked into the house to find Rory in tears. She was holding Laylee over her shoulder, probably trying to burp her. He picked both the girls up and sat down in the oversized armchair with Rory on his lap. "Hey, what happened?" he asked, hugging both her and Laylee close to him.
"I don't really want to talk about it right now," she said, still sniffing. "I think... I think talking to the psychologist will be a good thing. Do you have your phone on you?" she asked, looking into his eyes, silently pleading with him not to push the issue.
"Yeah, here," he said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his phone and his wallet. He handed her the phone and the card that Dr. Goldstein had given them. "Go ahead and call, Ace." He squeezed her arm, smiling encouragingly.
She made the appointment for the next day, and proceeded to take a few bites out of the sandwich he made her earlier. Laylee was laying on her chest, not sleeping yet but well on her way. "I think you should take a nap, Ace. In fact, I think we all should. Come on." He picked her up, and noticed immediately as her hands took a stronger grip to the child on her chest. Something unfurled in his chest at the sight and he felt like he could breathe easier. "Some quality Huntzberger sleep time," he told her, kissing her on the forehead as he carried his girls up the stairs.
Rory handed him the baby once he had deposited her on the bed, asking him to place her in the bassinet and bring it closer to her. "Logan? Thanks," she said, looking into his eyes. Her mother's questions about them from earlier were ringing in her ears. He came closer to her, about to get into the bed, when she kissed him. It was slow and tender, full of feeling. She pulled him towards her and over her, kicking the big duvet aside.
"Ace. Rory," he said, slowly pulling his face away from her. She dropped her hands to the sides, partly disappointed at the rejection, partly happy that he wasn't expecting anything from her. She wasn't sure she was up to anything yet. "I think we all just need some sleep, okay?" he was leaning on his side now, looking at her with those melted chocolate eyes.
"Can you just hold me? Please?" she pleaded with him, her eyes asking for some comfort.
"Anytime, Ace. You never have to ask," he assured her as he pulled her to him and they drifted to a peaceful sleep.
Chapter 6 and 7 are already in the works. Review so I know I'm not just writing to myself :P more incentive to update that way!