Chapter 10 – Sarah's Reflections on Love
A.N.: Disclaimer in Chapter 1, I still don't own them. But I sure enjoy trying to get in their heads. Didn't Sarah ever learn love conquers all?
(Bartowski men are just hazardous to my health.) Sarah drains her umpteenth drink of the night and sighs to herself, nodding and smiling at Big Mike and Morgan's mother as they chatter with Chuck's dad. (I'm surprised Morgan's mom hasn't decked him yet.) The thought brings a genuine smile as she recalls Bolonia's tirade in Spanish when she'd first spotted Stephen Bartowski that morning. (I should try to remember those curse words, there were a few she used that even I don't know...)
It seems Bolonia is slightly tipsy since she finally begins to lecture Stephen, who takes it with humor and grace. (But who wouldn't want to keep Chuck and Ellie from being hurt? Who could love them without resenting the father who abandoned them?)
Sarah laughs as Big Mike changes the subject quickly and laments the loss of his Nerd Herd leader, her thoughts mirroring his. (How could anyone ever want to lose him?) She spots him talking with Morgan, and refocuses on the conversation around her. (Get a grip, Walker, Orion is right – are you here or are you gone?)
"Sarah?" comes the question from the elder Bartowski.
(Damn it.) She shakes her head with an embarrassed smile. "I'm sorry, I was off somewhere in my head, you were saying?"
The three of them laugh indulgently at her as Bolonia answers. "Mija, why are you here with us when he's over there?"
(God, I'm transparent tonight.) Sarah laughs lightly, "Oh, I can't monopolize the attention of the best man and brother of the bride, we'll have our time. Especially since I won't be competing with Call of Duty as much! How do you both feel about Morgan and Hawaii?" (And subject changed. Focus, Walker!)
Bolonia starts to expound on exactly what she thinks as Big Mike chimes in with words of support. (No doubt motivated by his own wish for privacy...) She follows the conversation for a bit but as she catches Stephen's searching look, she smiles tightly. (Quit pushing, Orion, this is hard for me...) She interrupts, "Oh gosh, I'm so sorry, but I need to excuse myself," holding up her empty glass, "I'll be back in a bit."
(Chicken.) She closes her eyes at her own weakness and retreats into the apartment. She heads for the bathroom, only to see a line down the hallway. (Crap.) With a soft sigh of defeat, she heads back through the apartment to Chuck's bedroom. Thankfully no one is nearby and she slips in quietly, shutting the door behind her.
She stares at the television, the lights coming in through the courtyard lending a surreal candlelit look to the room. (I could call Beckman right now. Just tell her that I'm through, that I'm not going anywhere.) Her hand inches towards the remote, but somehow she can't pick it up. (Damn it.)
She looks around the bedroom at the posters and pictures that surround her, all so typically Chuck. Her eyes fall on a picture she hadn't noticed before. On a shelf behind pictures of Chuck with Ellie, Chuck with her, Chuck with Morgan, is a picture of Chuck with Bryce.
She carefully extracts it and sits on the bed to look at it. (Must be Stanford – they're both so young and innocent.) She absently strokes a finger down Chuck's face. (And he still is, somehow. Bryce is so jaded and cynical, and Chuck...he's just...good. Deep down at the core of him, a good man.) Her eyes change focus from the men in the picture to her hands holding it. (And I'm...not. God, I am not a good person, I haven't been in a long time. But I want to be, he makes me want to be a good person. He makes me want to be whole.)
She replaces the picture on the shelf and instead takes down the re-created Comic-Con picture, smiling genuinely. (Over ten years of my life as an agent, and all I want to do now is make him smile. Let Bryce worry about saving the world, Beckman can find someone else to run the Intersect Project. I just want to be a real girl...)
Returning the two of them to their rightful place on the shelf, she looks down at her hands again and sighs. (What if he doesn't want me? What if he finds out who I really am and is horrified? I've...I've killed, over and over, killed and maimed, almost tortured. I've seduced so many people, threatened so many people...) She sighs and sits heavily on the bed. (I'm not a good person, not like Chuck. I don't know if I can ever be as good as he is.) She strokes his pillow softly, thinking of the first night she slept over, and of the last night in the motel. (God, I want to try, though. I really want to try.)
She looks up at the Tron poster on the wall and bites her lip. (Forgive me?) She takes it down from the wall and flips it over. (Damn it, Chuck, if anyone else knew you did this...) She skims over the notes he's taken, the connections he's made, and can't help but be proud. (Yeah, not cut out to be an analyst, my ass...) She finds her own section of the chart and her brow furrows with surprise and confusion. (No line between me and Bryce, first off. And he heard me tell him my middle name? No wonder he wouldn't leave me alone about how I felt, damn it. Do we have a chance...God, how I must have messed with your head...) But her confusion melts away when she sees the notation to the left of her picture. "Extra pickles no olives," she whispers in the darkness. "Oh, Chuck..." She replaces the poster on the wall and squares her shoulders. (Time to put up or shut up, Walker.) She exits through the Morgan Door to find him, scanning the courtyard and seeing him...nowhere. (Damn it.) She sighs aloud and swipes a glass of champagne from a passing server as she retreats to lean against an archway waiting for him to reappear. (Here I am, all resolved and determined, and he's nowhere to be found. Here's hoping I don't lose my nerve...) She sips absently, killing time, watching as other happy couples dance and flirt and love. (I want that. Damn it, I want that, Chuck. Where are you?) She finishes the glass and sets it down, determined to wait.
And wait she does. It feels like forever before she feels a familiar tingle of awareness and hears him take a deep breath. Glancing behind her, she fights a smile as she sees Chuck. He, on the other hand, sighs and swallows hard as he looks at her. She feels the sorrow radiating from him as her stomach begins a slow roll, nerves creeping over her. (Oh God, this is it...) She licks her lips as she hears him speak.
"Where's Bryce?" he asks.
(Definitely not the opening volley I expected...) "Gone," she says with a quiet smile. "They're uploading him with the new computer tonight." (Why can't I just tell you?)
She stubbornly tries to motivate her traitorous tongue, and in the silence, Chuck adds with a forced smile, "Off to save the world...? I guess both of you are."
(Oh, Chuck...Why can't I just say it?) She recognizes the song that's playing as she looks over her shoulder at him with a smile. "You want to dance?" (You want to hold me close and break down all my defenses so I don't have to?)
The surprise on his face is evident as he answers, "You know I do."
(That smile. Thank you for smiling that smile at me, Chuck.) She begins formulating words in her head as he takes her arm and leads them to the floor.
He pulls her in close and with his cheek pressed to hers, starts to sway gently. She breathes a little deeper, trying to capture his scent, the feel of his arms around her. (Oh, Chuck...Damn it, Sarah, say something.) She absorbs the warmth of his body, trying to draw strength to take a leap of faith. (If there's anyone who can help me to take a leap, it's Chuck...) Blind Pilot plays on, Three Rounds and a Sound saying things she hadn't yet summoned the words for.
And the seasons
Will change us new
Be the best I've known
and you know me
I could not be stuck on you
If it were true
I was sleeping
My eyes were dark
Til you woke me
And told me that opening
is just the start
it was
He breaks the spell and speaks. "You belong out there, saving the world. I'm just...I'm just not that guy," he confesses sadly.
(Oh, Chuck, you underestimate yourself so much...) "How many times do you have to be a hero to realize that you are that guy?" (I can't stand for you to sell yourself short.)
"I want more, Sarah," he replies, regret coloring his voice. "I want a life. I want a real life."
They've slowly stopped dancing and she knows the moment is here, and her decision is so clear. (Why did I ever doubt what I wanted?) He releases her and she looks at him with a smile, her heart in her eyes. "Chuck, I don't want to save the world, I want..."
"Chuck, Chuck!" The elder Bartowski stumbles towards them, frantically calling for Chuck's attention.
(Damn it, now? After you've been after me all night?)
"The agent, the agent who came for Bryce," he continues, "he isn't a CIA agent. He's supposed to be dead."
(Oh, no...)
Chuck asks the question for her. "Dad, how could you possibly know that?"
Sarah can see she won't like the answer as Orion visibly argues with himself. "Screw it...I – I have an Intersect in my head."
(Oh, goddamn it!) She watches Chuck's eyes widen in horror and shock as his father continues explaining. "I tested the computer on myself, I was young and stupid, but the intel was good. Th-That man isn't CIA."
Chuck's breathing speeds up in panic as he realizes, "Bryce. Bryce is getting the upload tonight."
"They're going to kill him. They'll download the Intersect into their team instead."
(I can't believe this...) "Well, if they know about Bryce, they know about Casey," she says worriedly. Chuck turns to look at her and she meets his gaze for a heartbeat. (Oh God, Chuck, if only he were a minute later...I wish I...Damn it, I have to go.) She turns and quickly walks away.
(Whoever the hell is behind this, I'm going to kill you all.)
A.N.: So close!! Yet, so far. Ain't that the story of Charah? Hope you're enjoying this, as we're sort of nearing the end. The rest of the chapters seem like dance steps to me – long, long, quick, quick, long, long. I'm going to try very hard to get through Chuck's view on the reception, and maybe give Bryce his due, though I'm still debating the ordering. Opinions welcome! Reviews even more welcome. :)