"Hey darlin', you okay?" Merle placed his hand on Rowan's hip urging her to roll toward him so he could see her face. She was rarely sick and she had been in bed for two days. He was worried. Shit. She looked awful. The dark circles under her pretty brown eyes accentuated her paleness. He stroked her cheek with his calloused hand.
Rowan gave him a weak smile. "Just a headache, baby. Hershel gave me something earlier. It's already going away."
He squeezed her shoulder. "Be right back. Gonna get you a drink."
"Wait, Merle," she requested, sitting up, her head almost touching the low ceiling. "Hershel said I should get up and get some fresh air." She slid off the bunk into his strong arms.
He steadied her and kissed her forehead. "When's the last time you ate, baby?" he asked, his normally hard blue eyes softening with concern. She felt too thin in his arms.
"Don't remember, Merle, not been hungry," Rowan answered, leaning into him, arms going around his waist.
"Ya gotta eat, baby doll. C'mon. Let's find ya somethin'." He walked with his damaged arm around her and led her to the breakfast table.
"There she is," greeted Caesar. "We were getting worried about you, Ro. No one else here can keep Dixon in line."
"Go to hell, Martinez," Merle countered, receiving a chuckle in return. Though he had breakfast earlier, he sat down at the table with Rowan to make sure she actually ate.
"I saved some juice for you, sweetheart," said Carol, as she started to stand up.
Caesar put his hand on her arm. "Finish eating, babe. I'll get it."
"Thank you, Caesar," she said, sitting back down.
"Nice to see you up, Rowan," Hershel commented from the end of the table with a fatherly smile.
"Thanks for taking care of me, Hershel." She smiled up at Caesar when returned with the juice. "You, too, Caesar. Thanks." Rowan sipped at the pale liquid. "Orange juice?" she asked, skeptically.
Carol gave her an apologetic look. "Maybe. Hard to tell, isn't it?"
"Don't know what half the sh- stuff is," Caesar added. "Many of the cans have damaged or missing labels." He gained control of his foul language quicker than the Dixons out of respect for Hershel, Carol, and the children. He was sure the Dixon brothers didn't even try.
"You're just a regular Betty Crocker, ain't ya, Martinez?" Merle needled his friend.
Caesar just laughed. "Don't bother me none, Dixon. At least I don't have to look at your ugly mug all day," he said and winked at Carol who blushed.
"Well, I'll be damned," Merle said catching the quick look that passed between the two as he fixed Rowan a bowl of oatmeal with a side of the ever present powdered eggs.
She started at the unappetizing sallow-looking food. Everyone did their best at trying to make the food palatable, as did she when she was well, but there was only so much they could do with instant crap they had to work with. Rowan shuddered and pushed the plate away.
"Now, darlin', I know it ain't Denny's but ya need to eat."
"Merle," Hershel said. "We had chickens on the farm. Don't know if there's still some around, but you and your brother could check some local farms, see if you could find some. We could all do with some fresh eggs."
Merle rubbed his chin. "Not a bad idea, Doc Greene. We'll do that. Goin' out in a day or two. Me and Daryl'll scout around."
"Damn, you look like shit," Daryl said to Rowan, noticing her at the table as he came in. "Hope you ain't contagious." He glanced at Hershel for confirmation.
"I hope not, son," he said and looked at Beth who had just stepped into the room with Judith. "Lord, I hope not."
Rick was halfway through his walk along the fence when Amanda caught up to him. "Hey, mind if I join you?" she asked, slightly out of breath.
"Not at all, Mandy. I missed you." He smiled at her, thinking maybe he was happier than he ought to be. He had to stop himself from leaning over for a kiss. The old Mandy was starting to appear more often and he didn't want to scare her off. He would let her make the first move when she was ready. He hoped he had the strength to stick with that decision.
"Good," she smiled, glad he seemed to welcome her company. Would he act so happy to see her if he wasn't? Was he too nice to turn her away? The nagging doubts in her mind wouldn't go away.
Rick asked, "How's Rowan?"
"Better. Daddy got her out of the cell today and she is sitting in the sun with Beth and Judith. He thinks she needs better food. He's going out early with Daryl in a day or two to see what they can find."
"How are you, Mandy?" He stopped walking and turned to face her.
"Good, I think. Better, anyway," she answered truthfully.
"Glad to hear that. I really did miss your company on the perimeter checks. Carl would rather stand watch in the tower now. Nice to have you back...with me."
"Thanks," she said and looked away from his intense gaze. Suddenly, she was out of words. His look was...hopeful? She didn't know how to proceed. She was afraid to go at it head-on like she usually did. She was so afraid of being rejected, that he wouldn't want her anymore. Damn, she felt dirty. What if he didn't feel the same way about her anymore? What if he...
"Mandy?"
His concerned voice snapped her out of her own dark thoughts. "Sorry Rick. I guess I was just distracted."
"Wanna talk?"
Not really. Not yet. Not ever? I'm afraid you won't like me anymore. She just shook her head.
"Okay," he said and held his hand for her to take. She only hesitated a moment before placing her hand in his.
Merle watched Amanda go to Rick. Fuck! Was he going to be able to do this? It felt like a kick in the gut. Why couldn't he say no to her? Demand that she not see him. Why couldn't the man just have an "accident"? An untraceable accident. Who was he kidding? If anything happened to that man, his fault or not, he'd still get the blame. "What the fuck does she see in that prick?"
Rowan looked out to where the couple walked along the fence, hand-in-hand. "Beautiful eyes? Loves his family? Or maybe it's just his nice ass."
"Think I liked you better sick." He said rubbing his stump. He took off the apparatus to cool his arm. It was so fucking hot today and the sweat really made it itch.
Rowan patted his leg. "Aww, baby, don't be jealous. You're the only one for me, except maybe..."
Merle shut her up with a kiss, "Don't you say a damn thing or I'll have to kill 'im, whoever he is."
"What if he's a she?"
"Darlin', now you're just teasin'," he said, slipping a thigh between her legs, pressing her down on the blanket she had spread out for herself...and the baby.
Rowan laughed and shoved him away as Judith tried to climb between them, babbling away. "Damn cock-block, that's what you are, booger," Merle muttered as the girl reached for his prosthesis. She let out a wail when he pulled it out of her reach.
"You didn't think you were getting any here, did you? Out in the open?" Rowan snorted.
"I can dream, can't I?" It's been three damn days. Dreams are all I got. "I think the little booger is jealous of ya, darlin'," he said, sitting the baby on his lap, bouncing her until she giggled.
"Merle," Rowan began. "Do you think there's a better man to watch after Amanda than Rick, if you weren't around?"
"Ain't going nowhere without my girl," he answered gruffly, picking up Judith's stuffed toy and teasing her with it.
"I know, honey, but if something happened...to you or Daryl."
"We're Dixons, baby. Ain't nothing gonna happen to us." He let Judith get the toy and she squealed in delight.
Rowan didn't say anything else on the subject. She knew that when the man had his mind set on something, that was the end of conversation and she was too tired to waste her breath arguing or trying to convince him otherwise. She lay back on the grass with her arms behind her head. Merle reached past the little girl to touch a protruding hip bone, his eyes moving up to where he could just see her ribs through the thin shirt. "Ya ain't eating enough, girl."
She shrugged or something like it.
"I'm serious...ya gotta take care of yourself to keep up with me." She flipped him off. "Hey don't be teaching this baby girl that shit."
Judith grabbed his cheeks. "Fuck!" she said, giggling.
Rowan propped upon an elbow and lifted her sunglasses. "Oh my God, Merle! What have you done?"
"Me? I ain't the only one who says fuck."
"Either you or your idiot brother taught her that."
"Daryl did. He's 'round her way more 'an me."
Beth plopped down on the ground beside them and passed around bottles of water. "Thanks, Cherry Blossom." Merle winked as he took a swig. Rowan smacked him on the back.
"Why do you call me that, Mr. Dixon?"
He smiled his most charming smile and said, " 'Cause you're as pretty as cherry blossom when ya blush."
Judith climbed over Rowan's legs to get to the box of teething biscuits in Beth's hand. "F-" the baby started, her word was lost around the biscuit she shoved in her mouth.
"I think she's tried to say something," Beth said excitedly. "Did you hear her?"
Merle and Rowan looked at each other. Rowan burst into giggles. "Oh my god, Merle," she laughed, covering her mouth.
Merle just smiled at the teenager's questioning look and shrugged. "I ain't heard nothin' but babblin', girl." He glanced at Rowan. "Ya hear anything, baby doll?" Rowan shook her head and mouthed liar at him, to which he just laughed. Rowan lay back down and covered her face with her arm. He saw that she still was trying to hold back her laughter.
Beth had been wary of Merle Dixon, at first. He was so gruff and crude and really frightening when he had the knife attached to his right arm. But he had never been anything more than pleasant to her and when he basically gave her the go ahead with his brother...well, the girl couldn't have been happier to have him as a part of the group. Daryl's brother didn't treat her like a kid and he seemed to like her. That couldn't be bad, could it? She had his blessing and Daryl was becoming more receptive to the idea of them being together and was actually getting into their little make out sessions.
What if she "visited" Daryl tonight? What would she wear? Her wardrobe was limited. She really needed to talk to someone about finding her some nicer, sexier underwear. Now that Amanda wasn't going on supply runs, that left Maggie or Glenn. Glenn would tell her sister and her sister would tell their dad. Shoot. That wouldn't work. Daryl and Rick were out of the question. She shuddered at that thought. What about Merle? Oh my goodness. She couldn't ask him! Not face-to-face. She could give him a note...what if he read it out loud? Damn it! Maybe Rowan would ask for her. That might work...
"Whatcha thinking about, gir- Cherry Blossom," Merle's raspy voice interrupted her musing. "You're blushing." He grinned.
Oh shoot! She blushed even harder.
He raised a brow. "Got it bad for my baby brother, huh?"
How does he know what I'm thinking? Beth nodded. She didn't think her cheeks could get any redder but she was wrong. Her face felt like it was on fire.
"He givin' ya a hard time...Fuck...didn't mean it that way, girl. He holding back on ya?" he rephrased the question.
She nodded. Why couldn't she speak? Her throat felt like it was closing. What was wrong with her?
"Don't worry, darlin', my baby brother is just kind o' slow and a bit shy, not real good with girls, especially smart and pretty ones like yourself. If ya really want 'im, don't give up. He'll come 'round." Merle reached across Rowan's legs and patted Beth's knee. "And if he doesn't, just let me know and I'll have a talk with 'im."
The youngest Greene girl nodded so furiously, Merle thought she was going to give herself whiplash. She picked up Judith and practically ran back to the prison.
"You're going to hell, you know that don't you?" Rowan said, not bothering to sit up from the grass she'd been napping on.
Merle laughed and leaned over for a long kiss and then murmured against her ear, "Wanna go with me, baby doll?"
Carl was feeling better and met Rick and Amanda back at the prison. "Hey, Dad, can I go hunting with Daryl and Merle tomorr-Achoo!" He sneezed and both adults jumped back.
"Cover your nose when you sneeze, son," Rick scolded, wiping off his arm. He then used the hand sanitizer Carol had sat out on the table.
"Sorry, Dad. Can I go?" Carl asked again, wiping his nose on his forearm.
Rick shook his head. "No. You need a few more days to get over that cold." He handed the bottle to Carl. "Clean your hands. And arm," he said. "If you sneeze and scare off a deer or rabbit you'll incur the wrath of two Dixons and none of us want that."
"Fine." The boy pouted. "I'm gonna play cards with Oscar in the guard tower, gotta problem with that?" he asked, stomping away, not waiting for an answer.
Amanda looked at Rick and he ran his hand through his hair. "Puberty." He turned to greet Judith and Beth. "Hello, ladies." He took his daughter and nuzzled her neck. "How's my girl?"
"She already ate, Rick. Probably ready for a nap," Beth informed him. "I think she tried to say her first word earlier."
Amanda's eyes got wide. Oh, please no. Not now, Judith.
A grin spread across his face. "Really?" he asked, kissing his baby's cheek. "Was it daddy?"
Yes, yes, yes! Please say daddy. The suspense was almost too much for Amanda to bear.
"Not sure," Beth answered. "She was chewing on one of these." The girl held up a teething biscuit.
"Whew," Amanda exhaled loudly. That was close.
"Something wrong, Mandy?" Rick gave her an odd look.
"Um, no. I was just excited. I'm sure her first word will be daddy, right, Judith? Daddy! Say Daddy!" Please say daddy! Judith sucked on her fist and snuggled sleepily against Rick's chest.
"Want me to put her down for her nap?" Beth asked.
"That's okay, I'll do it," Rick said. "Wanna come sit with me, Mandy?"
"Sure," she said, following him to Judith's nursery, a cell between Rick's and Carol's. He settled in a rocking chair that Daryl and Maggie scavenged from a nearby daycare.
Rick smiled at Amanda. "I think she'll fall asleep quick; she's halfway there." He kissed his daughter on the top of her head and hummed a soft lullaby. The lower bunk had been removed from the cell to accommodate the crib. Looking around, finding nowhere to sit, Amanda lowered herself to the floor but Rick nodded to the ottoman by the rocking chair. "Sorry," he whispered. "I forgot there was only one place to sit."
"That's okay," she said. "The floor is fine." As long as I am with you. She wanted to reach out and touch him. Did she dare? The Dixon spirit got the better of her. She smiled up at him and gingerly place a hand on his knee. There, that wasn't so hard.
"I've missed you so much, Mandy" Rick said softly and covered her hand with his larger one. She scooted forward and laid her head on his knee. He moved his hand to her hair and stroked her head. She began shaking. Was she crying? He checked on Judith who was almost asleep so he rose slowly and moved the baby to the crib. Thankfully, she didn't wake.
Rick knelt down beside Amanda. She didn't move but buried her face in her hands and cried softly. "C'mon, baby." He rubbed her back. "It's gonna be okay."
She shook her head. "No, it's not," she said in between gasping breaths. "It's never gonna be okay again."
"Let's go to my cell." Rick gently pulled her up and guided her to his room. Shutting the door behind them, he pulled the sheets over the bars for at least the facade of privacy. He wrapped his arms around her trembling form and stroked her hair. He loved the feel of the silken curls between his fingers. He missed being able to touch them. Since her rescue, he'd caught himself several times reaching out to push one back from her face but had to stop himself.
She was starting to trust him once more. He was almost afraid to hope that she wanted to be with him again. He closed his eyes and inhaled her fresh scent. Jesus, how he missed her.
Rick rubbed her back and whispered what he hoped were soothing words in her ear. "Shhh, baby. I got you." He wasn't sure why she was crying, it didn't much matter. He just wanted to make her feel better.
"Wanna sit down, hon?" he asked. Amanda nodded and sat with him on the edge of his bed.
"I'm sorry, Rick," she said, sniffling. "I don't know why I'm crying." She leaned into him. "I can't stop."
"It's okay, baby," he said gently rocking her in his arms.
"No, it's not. It's not okay."
"Why, baby? Tell me, Mandy, so I can help you," he pleaded brushing damp curls off her face and kissing her temple.
"I can't."
"You can tell me anything, honey. Why do you say that?"
She rubbed her eyes but kept her face hidden in his shirt. "You won't like me anymore."
"Mandy, baby, that's not gonna happen." He tried to tilt her chin up but she resisted.
"Yes, it will. You won't be able to help it."
Rick squeezed her tighter. "I never got to tell you how I felt sweetheart, before...before what happened," he said, kissing the top of her head. "But I loved you then and I love you now. Nothing's gonna change that."
I love you, too. Amanda couldn't talk; all she could do was cry harder.
"That wasn't exactly the reaction I was hoping for." Rick chuckled softly and kissed her head again. "Lay with me, Mandy," he requested and stretched out on the bunk, pulling her unresisting body down with him. Amanda buried her face in his chest. God, he felt so helpless. She was hurting so bad and he didn't know what to do. He tilted her face up but she refused to look at him. Her tears were salty on his lips as he kissed them away from her closed eyelids. "Whatever it is, we'll deal with it together, baby. You don't have to do it alone."
"You sure?" she asked so quietly he almost didn't hear her words.
Rick smiled against her forehead. "Of course, I am."
Amanda sniffled and tried to reign in her sobs. "I messed up your shirt." Her voice was muffled against his chest.
"It's okay baby, just tears."
"No, I think there's a little snot, too."
He laughed and sat up enough to pull the wet shirt over his head. "Better?"
Amanda smiled and nodded. She took his shirt and blew her nose in it then tossed it on the floor.
He lay back down and she snuggled against him, resting her hands on his hard, warm chest. He kissed her nose. "I meant what I said. I love you, Amanda. I'll always be here for you, okay?"
She nodded and lifted her chin. "Thank you," she replied and placed her lips to his in a ghost of a kiss and settled back into the comfort of his arms.
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Specials thanks to my proofreader, Siarh, who has the patience to catch those pesky typos, errors and other annoying bits.
Happy reading!