Chapta Six: Da Snakebites
Chapta Six: Da Snakebites
Say of Da Day: "I 'ate wordz wiv too many silabells in 'em."– Oric.
For two days the four Orks had been travelling through the desert. There had been no sign of any waagh, nor any signs of life for that matter - and they only had two days worth of fuel and food left.
Brudz stopped her bike, and Jamz and Oric pulled up beside her. "Show me dat map, Cezzy," She asked her sister, who was riding in the side cart. "We shoulda been somewheres by now."
Cezzy unfolded the piece of paper and handed it to her sister. She had been designated the navigator for the trip as the two nobs hands were too big to handle the small map, and Brudz was driving.
Brudz studied the map; all it consisted of was two dots and a skewed 'z' shaped line. "Dis map iz uzeless!" she said and scrunched it up. She hadn't actually seen the map until now. "Yew've bin tellin' me ta drive souf-east when dis fing dozen ev'n 'ave norf marked. We cud be anywherez!"
Cezzy snatched the map back. "I's doin' da best I's can!" She stood up and looked over Brudz' shoulder at the crude compass tied to the handle bar. "Don't git up me when ya can't even uze a compass propaly! It's da wrong side up, ya moron."
The sisters began to bicker but not for long; Jamz jumped off the track and stomped over. "Are yew two tellin' me we'z lost?" He growled angrily.
"Not really lost, Jamz…" Cezzy replied nervously. "Jus' a liddle… off course."
Jamz didn't like the response; being late to the waagh outraged him. "I'll beat yer headz in!" He yelled out raising his mega claw, ready to attack.
"Put yer foot down, sistah!" Cezzy squealed.
Brudz' bike rumbled to life, and the wheels spun in the dirt for a moment before speeding off; they barely escaped Jamz' crushing blow. "It's me hand, not me foot, me hand."
Jamz snorted with disgust; his target escaped. "I'll git yew two fer makin' me late ta dis waagh!" he yelled, and lumbered over to the trakk again. "Git off, I'm drivin' dis fing!" he said, pushing Oric off the driver's seat.
Oric was stunned but didn't argue; he was sick of driving anyway, and wanted a break. His butt was barely touching down on the seat when Jamz blitzed off full throttle. Oric held on for dear life.
Jamz swivelled the turret gun towards the fleeing bike with one hand, and steered with the other. "A bit o' lead might git me point 'cross to dem girlz…"
Cezzy gripped the sides of the side cart tightly; it was a bumpy ride. She looked over her shoulder, only to become more alarmed. "Jamz' aimin' dat big gun fing at uz!" She yelled over the whistle of the wind.
"Hang on, I'z gonna press da magik butt'n!" Brudz replied, and flipped open a small cap on the handle bar, revealing a red button.
"What magik button?" Cezzy asked craning her neck to look.
Brudz jammed her thumb on the button, saying "Dis one!" The motor revved hard, and flames shot out of the exhaust.
Cezzy screamed and ducked as low as she could as the bike sped up; she wasn't as confident in the bike as her sister was. The bike veered sharply to the left as Brudz dodged Jamz' turret fire - which raked the ground in random, uncoordinated patterns.
"I 'ope yer didn' put a 'magik butt'n' on dat trakk dey's ridin'!" Cezzy said with a shiver, realising how horrifying it would be if the two Nobs caught up with them.
"No, I wasn' dat stoopid." Brudz grinned. Something faraway on the horizon caught her eye. "Oi' Cezzy, can yew see anyfin' ovuh dere?"
The Dok squinted her eyes; the mid afternoon sun was making it hard to see. "I finks I see a buildin' or somefin'."
As they drove closer, what appeared to be a fortified wall slowly emerged from behind the curvature of the horizon. Brudz drove towards it like a madman.
The flame slowly vanished from the muffler, and the engine's revs decreased. "Damn, outta me magik speed boostin' jooce." Brudz cursed.
Cezzy was inwardly relieved; although she didn't want to get shot, she didn't like fast vehicles very much either. And now that they were well ahead of Jamz and Oric, going very fast wasn't necessary.
Slowly the wall grew taller, and the tops of shabby buildings could be distinguished; it was some kind of Ork settlement. "What if they'z da enemy?" Cezzy asked concerned.
"Wouldja ravuh risk dis place, or Jamz?" Brudz replied still flying towards the settlement at full speed.
After weighing the two up Cezzy decided heading for the settlement was a risk worth taking. "'Kay, 'kay, yeh, I dun wanna be caught by dat angry Nob."
Images of beer, fresh squig meat, and spare parts were already beginning to flood Brudz' mind – and Cezzy's; although the Dok thought of spare body parts rather than spare bits of machinery. If all went well the Orks in the settlement would let them in and not cut their stomachs open and feed them to the squigs – or so the girls hoped.
Soon the walls were in clear view; and within a couple of minutes, they were approaching the settlement. Brudz was still pelting across the dirt and clumpy grass fast.
"I fink yer c'n slow down dere, sistah." Cezzy advised. "Dem walls are gittin' very close now."
"I's da one drivin', so shud ya yap." Brudz replied; she hated people telling her how to ride her bike. She went to apply the brakes, but nothing happened. "Wuh oh…"
"Whadoya mean, 'WUH-OH'?" Cezzy said realising something bad just happened. "Why aint we slowin' down!?"
Brudz scratched her head. "Me brakes failed 'gain… heh heh… AAAAAAAH!"
Three Orks stationed on guard duty outside of the settlement's entrance looked up, and saw a bike with two screaming Orks speeding towards them.
"Who'z dey?" One of the guards asked, puffing on a smoke.
His fellows shrugged, one replying, "Dunno, but dey aint one've uz."
"I don't finks dey's slowin' down…"
"Run!"
CRASH!!
"…Why'z I so dizzy…" Cezzy began to stir; she had blacked out when the bike crashed into the wall. She awoke to find herself being dragged by her arms across the rough ground. She felt sore all over.
As her vision returned, she looked around; Brudz was being dragged beside her. She was still out cold.
The pair was being dragged up the main path of the settlement; the gates looked far away, and a trail of black smoke above the walls signalled where the bike had stacked. Cezzy was starting to wonder if not fleeing Jamz would have been safer.
The Orks in the settlement looked odd to Cezzy; they wore animal skins and horned helmets. Their skin was covered in red swirly tattoos, and many of them wore snake-skin belts.
"I finks dis one's wakin' up," Cezzy's captor said to the Ork dragging Brudz.
"Keep a close eye on dat one," The Ork replied, "We dun want dem gettin' away 'fore da Boss seez dem."
"Brudz, wake up!" Cezzy whispered. "Wake up now, yer dum mek! I finks we'z in big trouble."
Cezzy and Brudz had been dragged inside a building; Brudz still did not stir. The sisters were dumped on the dirt floor; not far in front of them, on a throne made from animal bones, sat a very large Ork.
The Ork looked more ferocious than the other Orks; Cezzy guessed this was the clan's Waaghboss. He was swathed in animal pelts and jewellery made from animal bones, rocks, and ceramics. The two most distinguished features were his large squig-skull helmet and the snake skins stapled to his chin, dangling down to form an obscure beard.
"Me boyz said yew two put a big dent in me wall…" The huge Ork said, glaring down at Cezzy and Brudz.
"Eh heh heh heh…" Cezzy laughed nervously. "Sorry 'bout dat, me sistah says 'er brakes failed 'gain…"
Something outside made a squealing sound. The sound got closer, until something small ran through the door then between the legs of the Orks, and over to Cezzy-Po. "Squiggy!" Cezzy was delighted to see her experimental pet. "Yew savived da crash! I fawt yew waz dead fer shaw."
Cezzy picked up the small ugly beast. It was the same squig from the forge – with many new improvements.
"Iz dat yaw pet?" The Waagh Boss asked, interested. He leaned closer to take a look. "Iz dat a legless squig?"
Cezzy held the creature up for the Waagh Boss to see. "It used ta be, 'til I modified it." She then explained what she did to it. "It'z got ten Orky fingas fer legz, betta Orky earz, A toe fer a tail, extra guts, 'n' ta stop dem extra guts poppin' out, I screwed a metal plate ta da fing's belly."
All the Orks in the room looked at the squig with interest; especially the Boss. "So, yer a Dok, den?" The Boss asked.
"Dat's right Boss," Cezzy replied feeling less in danger of loosing her life, "an' me sistah dere's a mek. Albeit, a dodgy one, but a mek none da less."
Suddenly and Ork ran into the room. "Boss, dere's two Nobs attackin' da entrance! An' one's got mega armour!"
Sure enough when Cezzy paid attention, there were gun shots in the distance. "Dat wud be me brutha 'n' a friend o' ours…" She confessed. "Dey's da reason we ended up 'ere."
"…Doh shiiit…" Brudz blinked her eyes a few times as she regained her consciousness. She put her hands over her throbbing head. "Didja say Jamz iz 'ere? Where's dat bike o' mine… ow, me 'ead feels all painy…"
"What's dey fink dere doin', makin' a mess o' me wallz!" The Boss growled.
Not wishing her brother and friend to fall victim to the snake-obsessed Orks, Cezzy put a suggestion to the Boss. "How 'bouts yer let me 'n' me sistah try 'n' sort dis out, so's 'opefully none of yer boyz 'ave ta git 'urt. If we fails, den yer c'n throw all da meat at 'em yer want."
The Waagh Boss contemplated the idea and agreed. "Fine, but 'urry up 'fore deys do any more damage to me wallz."
Cezzy hurried for the entrance; Brudz followed reluctantly, winging and grumbling about her head. Three of the Boss's body guards followed the sisters in case they tried to do a runner.
As they approached the settlement's gates, the body of an Ork flew by - nearly crashing into them. Cezzy and Brudz walked out into the desert. A gang of Orks were trying to fend the Nobs off, but with little luck; Oric's club and Jamz' shoota was doing a fine job of holding them back.
"Yew boyz git back 'ere!" One of the Boss's body guards yelled out. The Orks attacking the Nobs quickly retreated back into the settlement. "Now, talk to 'em!" The Ork ordered the sisters.
Brudz shot the bossy Ork a dirty look before turning her attention to the Nobs. "I's got 'urt lots, so lis'en up 'coz I aint got da pashence fer yew two at da moment." She yelled out, one hand pointing at the boys accusingly and the other gripping her head. "If yer don' wanna die, coz trust me dere's plenty o' Orks in dis camp dat'll be willin' ter maim yer, den stop bein' all killy 'n' all dat stuff."
There was an awkward and almost scary silence as everybody stood waiting for the Nobs to reply. "I 'opes Jamz don't remember whys 'ee was tryin' ta kill us…" Cezzy whispered to her sister.
Oric slug his club onto his back and Jamz stashed his shoota. The mega-armoured Ork looked from his sisters to the crashed bike. "Idiots! Yew'll 'ave ter walk to da waagh now."
"Yew won't be walkin' no warez." The Waagh Boss trudged through the gates followed by a horde of Nobs. "Seize dem girlz, dey aint leavin' an' neiver iz dem Nobz! Bring 'em to me 'ut. We'z got some stuff ta talk 'bout…"
It was pitch black outside by the time the four Orks were wrapping up the conference with the Waagh Boss. His name was Uurgrin Safik Greldor; leader of the small but ferocious Snakebite warband. He had spoken with the fourEvil Sunz about sparing their lives if Cezzy-Po and Brudz helped him and his clan with a certain dilemma.
The more beer Uurgrin and his body guards drank, the more they told the Evil Sunz. It had been revealed to them that the Snakebites were a nomadic, wild clan. This particular warband relied heavily on their cyboars – cybernetic boars – for transport. The only other means of transport available to them was their space ship, which was impractical unless flying into space (can you imagine trying to hunt, or even sneak up on your enemy in a dodgy, noisy space ship?).
Ever since setting up camp in the desert, the Snakebite warband had nothing but bad luck. First their cyboars fell ill and began dieing one by one; the animals were from another planet, and unused to the local diseases. Their Meks and lone Mad Dok were snowed under with trying to cure their beloved cyboars, leaving no time to do anything else. Then, three of the four Meks and their only Mad Dok died in a tragic accident involving their space ship (an engine exploded near where the cyboars were being treated).
And as if that wasn't enough, their only surviving Mek had both his hands cut off a week later (it wasn't really an accident; he lost a bet and couldn't pay up). With no Mad Dok, and transport being a problem, the Mek was unable to have his hands reattached.
According to Uurgrin, just as his warband was thinking they did something wrong to piss off their gods Gork and Mork, they were instead "blessed wiv a way ter fix da big problem" when Cezzy-Po and Brudz crashed into their wall. Apparently Gork and Mork (according to Uurgrin) was testing his clan's resilience, and had been rewarded (eventually) after putting up and surviving these tests. And so, instead of skinning the gate crashers and roasting them over a fire, Uurgrin wanted to make them a deal.
"So, let me git dis shtraight," Cezzy said trying to summarize the last few hours of talk. "Yew'll let us live, an' yew'll let us fix our bike –"
"MY bike!" Brudz interrupted.
"- yeah whateva ya bloody volvo driva - if we fix yer cyboars, an' fix yer mek's 'ands?"
Uurgrin nodded. "Dat's right."
Jamz was growing restless; he didn't like long boring meetings with anyone, not even a Waagh Boss. "What 'bout me 'n' Oric?" he asked grumpily.
"Yew two c'n stay in dis camp 'til yer two sistahs 'ere 'ave finished dere jobs. Jus' don't go breakin' nothin', an' don't 'spect nothin' fer free." Uurgrin replied, and dismissed the Orks. "Now go, da lot of yer. Oh, an' yew go find Orlen, Dok. Dat's da mek wiv no 'ands."
Cezzy nodded. "Yes Boss. Where'z 'ee?"
"I dunno, jus' find 'im! 'Ee's got no 'ands, so 'ee can't be dat 'ard ta spot!" Uurgrin snapped.
Cezzy left it at that and walked out of the hut with the others; she didn't want to push the Waagh Boss's patience. She would just have to find Orlen with the help of the others.
"C'mon ev'ry one, we betta find Orlen." Cezzy said once they were outside.
"What? Whadoya mean 'we'?" Jamz snarled. "Dat's yaw job, I aint 'elpin'. I's gonna get some beer or somefin'." The mega armoured Nob walked off, following the smell of roast squig.
Cezzy was about to ask Oric to help but it was pointless; he was already running off down a dirt road.
"I'll 'elp! I'll 'elp!" Brudz said, jumping up and down beside her sister enthusiastically – her head was feeling much better.
"Yew waz gonna 'elp me find Orlen weva yer liked it or not," Cezzy replied. "An' stop bein' so idiodic. Yew'll make ev'ry one fink yer get a brain injaree or somefin'."
(Insert from author – there are now "too many spelling and grammatical errors" in my story, and now my computer refuses to display them! Another note, the sisters computer shows them just fine though.)
Brudz pulled her riding goggles down over her eyes. "I wants ter fix stuff, so da sooner we gets dat gits 'ands sewed back on, da betta."
Cezzy pointed in random direction. "Den let's go."
The settlement was much larger in size than it looked; Brudz and Cezzy had been scouring the area for an hour, and still no sign of Orlen. The Snakebite Orks hadn't been very helpful either.
Brudz and Cezzy were at what must have been some kind of pub, interrogating the occupants. The mek walked up to an Ork sitting on a stool, and tapped him on the shoulder. "Scuze me," she said dully, "'ave you see Orlen? Handless, prob'ly big, da last mek in yer warband or somefin' like dat."
The Ork looked over his shoulder; he looked about as intelligent as a failed IQ test.
After getting no reply, Brudz said, "Nevuh mind, keep drinkin'." And she trudged over to the next Ork and repeated the process.
Cezzy and Brudz had questioned everyone in the pub; even the bar girl was useless. She had merely asked them if they wanted beer, completely ignoring their question; and upon the sisters declining, the bar girl told them to go away (in less friendly terms).
On leaving the pub, the girls walked down the dark road. Not far away, there was a small fire burning with a small band of Orks sitting around it.
"Let's ask dem 'bout Orlen," Cezzy ordered rather than suggested.
The pair walked over and at the same time, asked, "'As any one seen Orlen da 'andless mek?"
None of the Orks replied. They were all too preoccupied with something, possibly beer, and were sniggering and chattering.
Brudz stepped closer and leant over to take a look at what they were doing. What she saw seemed rather strange; the Orks were putting snakes up to their arms, and letting them bite.
Cezzy looked as well. "Ah… iz it jus' me, or is dey shootin' up on snakes?"
"Yeah, priddy much. No wonder all de Orks are vague 'round 'ere, dey're ah bunch o' junkies!"
Even though the girls were standing within inches of the group, the Snakebite Orks seemingly didn't notice the pair and continued letting snakes bite them, snickering, and being oblivious.
"If we'z lucky, maybe Orlen died o' an ovuh dose or somefin'." Brudz shrugged.
"An' why iz dat a good fing?" Cezzy asked. "Da Boss wants me ta fix 'is 'ands."
"Well, if 'ee's dead, we won't 'ave ta waste anymore time lookin' fer 'im. I bets we c'n fix dem cyboars wivout 'im, anyway." Brudz didn't seem to have any pity for the remaining Snakebite mek. She added, "'Ee mus'n't've been a very good mek ta risk loosin' 'is 'ands gamblin' anywayz… uh, iz it jus' me, or iz it kinda quiet all'u'va sudden?"
Cezzy pointed her thumb sideways; Brudz followed the direction with her gazed. The happy junky Orks were no longer chattery and cheerful; they were looking towards the girls.
"Dey's got very stoned eyes," Brudz observed nervously.
One of the Orks stood up; a small colourful snake fell to the ground and slithered away. His fists were wrapped in wads of cloth, and he looked much bigger now that he wasn't sitting down. He stood an intimidating one-and-a-half times of Cezzy and Brudz' height.
To the girls' surprise, the Ork simply turned and walked away into the darkness.
"Now ye've gawn an' done it!" One of the Snakebites accused. "Yer gawn an' upset big 'ole Orlen!"
"Dat was Orlen?" Cezzy sounded astounded.
Another of the Snakebites stood up and walked over to where the girls stood. He was slightly taller than the girls, and more muscular. "Yew two are de ones dat 'ave been shootin' up if yer couldn't see dat waz Orlen." He spat on the ground and looked at Brudz crossly. "An' yew, yer even stupider! Moufin' off like dat, right in front o' Orlen! Yew betta say sorry to 'im or me 'n' da boyz'll snap ya inta uh 'undred pieces! Git yer facts right if yer gonna dis someone at least, ya brainless runt!"
A strange feeling stung Brudz in the gut. She had rarely experienced this feeling; it was two thirds fear, one third guilt. "Wha' evuh butt breff." Brudz said and walked past the angry Ork.
Cezzy joined her sister. The two walked away from the small congregation to go talk to Orlen, who was now a shadowy figure in the distance. Brudz broke into a zig-zagging run when she heard a noise, thinking it was the Orks loading their shootas.
"Wait fer me!" Cezzy yelled out, chasing after her sister.
Orlen looked over his shoulder when he heard the patter of feet coming towards him. Seeing the girls running down the street after him, he rolled his eyes and walked faster.
"Oi! Orlen, slow down!" Brudz called as she got closer. "Don't force me to cut yer feet off, too!"
The mek girl nearly fell head over heel when her sister smacked her over the back of the head. "Don't be a shmart mouf!" She hissed. "Yew won't make a big Ork like 'im stop wiv inshalts like dat!"
Orlen turned down an alley between two buildings. The girls followed, deciding to hang back from the mek incase he decided to stomp them to death or something painful like that.
"Orlen," Cezzy spoke, "My sistah iz jus' a 'arf brained twit, ignore 'er. Lookz, we wanna 'elp ya, yer Boss asked uz ta fix yer 'ands, so yer c'n fix shtuff 'gain."
Orlen didn't show any signs of responding; he simply kept walking down the alley. The girls followed trying to reason with the Ork, but it was to no avail. He just kept walking. They trailed him for ten minutes until, quite suddenly, Orlen stopped. He was standing in front of a half-burnt building, with it's metal doors hanging from their hinges pathetically.
Brudz stepped closer and sniffed the air "I smells engine oil… an' piggies."
Orlen stared at the building; he had a grim look on his face. "Dis 'ere mek shop shoulda bin oparashunel. I shud be fixin' it up. I shud be makin' new wheels fer da cyboars. Dem Goffs are gunna pay fer what dey's did…"
The sisters were stunned silent; all this time, Orlen wasn't walking away, he was taking them to the mek shop. It would have been less rude if he actually said so, but that's an Ork for you.
"Wait, did yew say da Goffs 'ad somefin' ter do wiv dis mess?" Brudz asked astonished. "Yer Boss said dat de uva meks an' yer dok all died in some exploshen involvin' da ship."
Orlen looked at the girls. "Do yer fink da Boss iz shtupid 'nough ter tell members of anuva clan what our problems are? Dey died alright, but not coz our ship's engine exsploded."
"Oh…" Cezzy nodded intelligently. "Are yew sayin' da Goffs croaked'em?"
Orlen looked a the girls hesitantly; Cezzy was sure he was considering telling them something that his Boss hadn't been completely honest about. "I can't tell yer, yew aint wun ov us Snakebites."