The Complications of Life

By: Nightelfcrawler

Disclaimer: I do not own, merely covet adoringly.

Authors' note: This is a re-telling of the movie-verse, given that do not assume any of it happened the same way. I'm writing from scratch with all new secrets. And while certain characters have been included, do not assume end results.

Warnings: Contains a background of slash relationships.

Chapter Nine


Resigned to the fact that he wasn't going to share anything with her, Alexis sat in silence watching as Ratchet began attaching cables and cords, doing patches between lines and running cables to and from the computer console behind him. It was intricate work, and she could only guess what all he was doing, but as she watched, she felt a tickle of awareness growing stronger at the back of her head, and waited patiently as her partner slowly began to regain consciousness. Ratchet was too busy to notice, shaving down the ends of a thin blue plate that he held between tweezers. However, when he turned back to address his patient, he noticed the lit optics. "Ah, you're awake." He stated, leaning over to look the mech in the face. "Good. I need you to hold very still while I replace this." He waved the blue glass before the mech's vision. "You'll be able to see properly once I'm done."

Is that what I think it is? Came the groggy question into Alexis' mind before she could connect exactly WHAT it was.

I think it's your new eyes.

Frag.

Alexis wasn't quite sure what his protest was, but didn't inquire further, feeling his irritation with a tinge of humiliation trickle through the link. She thought about it, and came to one conclusion. All the Autobots had blue optics, and he had possessed red when he had arrived here. Obviously, therein lay the issue. As to why he had problems with the color change, she decided that could wait until he was in a better mood.

He held still as requested as Ratchet worked, and after minutes of tedious work, the medic leaned back. "There. How's that?"

Alexis watched as the mech blinked, testing out his new eyes, shifting from focusing on the medic to her position and back. Fragging wonderful. Was the dryly sarcastic response. She smiled a bit, unable to hide her amusement through the link, which only further served to irritate him. "He says he loves them."

Ratchet lifted an optic ridge. "Really now." He murmured, glancing down to find a glare returned up at him. "I'm sure he does." He tossed the tools aside then gestured. "Ok. Up you go. Let's test out your main functions." The mech hesitated, but with some straining managed to sit up with Ratchet's assistance. Each limb was tested, arms rotated, legs flexed and Ratchet ran his nimble fingers along the key points in his body that supported his bulk. "It'll do." Ratchet finally announced, turning to face him. "I think you're fit to move about, but I want you staying in the med-bay for now at least until I have your armor back on. I'm sure you don't want to trip and rip a line either, so it's in your best interest to stay put."

The mech glanced down at his exposed wiring, and made a disgusted face. I'm fragging' naked.

Alexis hid another smile, but was finding it increasingly difficult to hold back the mirth trickling down the link. He shot her a dirty glare, but sighed and nodded in acceptance to the medics' terms. "Good." Ratchet humphed. "Now, I have a few… personal questions I need answered." He glanced over at Alexis, his face somber. "My apologies, but this is patient-doctor confidentiality." And with that, he switched to their native tongue and began rapidly speaking. Alexis frowned with frustration watching as her partner nodded or shook his head at intervals to the questions placed to him. At one point, Ratchet said something that made the mech's head snap around to stare intently at her with his newly installed piercing blue eyes. They held gazes for a moment before he directed his attention back to the medic, and continued their conversation. When finally they were done, the medic turned his back on them, busying himself with something in the room adjacent to the main section of the med-bay.

Alexis smiled over towards her partner, studying him as he studied her. "So." She finally said. "Starscream is your name?"

Yes. He replied sullenly, optics averting.

"And you seem to be quite notorious from what I've seen."

That is likely.

"You know, they refuse to tell me a thing about you. I seem to be one of the only ones in the dark here, and it's very frustrating."

He fixed her with a pointed stare before answering. You wouldn't understand most of it anyway, why are you so insistent?

"Because I'm curious. You've got quite a reputation. Enough that they suspected who you were before you confirmed it, and they had to promise you they wouldn't lock you up if you told them the truth. That tells me several things." She stuck her fingers out, counting them down as she went. "One, you were against them at some point either as an enemy or something. Two, you knew that they weren't going to react favorably, and three, it's enough that you had to disguise yourself and hide from everyone. Now, granted I know little about your war, but it's not hard to draw conclusions." She frowned, leaning forward. "Who exactly are you?"

Starscream's face turned taught, his facial plates freezing in a slight grimace as he stared at her with an unreadable expression. You are very persistent.

"I always have been. Everyone else here seems to know. All I ask is that you catch me up so I know what I'm dealing with here. After all, I think you owe me for helping you multiple times by now. And what will it hurt? I'm just a human, I'm not going to go around shouting it to all the newspapers."

He grimaced again, shooting her an irritated look. You are insufferable.

"Thank you."

His optics lost their focus for a moment, as he glanced over his shoulder at the medic, then returned his gaze to her. If you truly insist on knowing…

"I would like to know from your perspective."

He sighed, obviously not at all pleased with her request, but seeming to sense that he wasn't going to be able to convince her otherwise. Very well. I should warn you, you may not like what you hear.

That's fine. She thought back at him, switching to private chatter to help him open up more, which was also helped by the fact Ratchet was busy elsewhere.

He was silent for a while before starting. You know of the war between the two factions that has virtually all but destroyed our home world. You know a little about each faction by now, the Autobots with whom we are taking refuge, and the Decepticons who started the conflict with their rebellion. What you perhaps don't know is the reasoning behind each faction. The Autobots wanted to keep the status quo, not one that was favorable to all mechs I might add, but one that did generally keep peace. The Decepticons however were the disgruntled groups of mechs who got the shaft, as you might say. The Autobots managed to piss off enough of their own to create the faction due to their own ineptitude. Had things been managed better, the Decepticons never would have rebelled.

She nodded a little, understanding the back story. This was how wars started, even for aliens it seemed. A group dissatisfied with the status quo decided something needed to be done. If they won, they were Rebels, if they lost they were terrorists.

My involvement is a complicated story to which I will not delve into. Needless to say, I joined the Decepticons for my own reasons, believing their cause was just. I was ambitious and not afraid to do what I had to in order to move through the ranks. Not long after I was recruited I became Air Commander, and not long after that I became Megatron's 2nd in command.

A cold feeling swept through her. Second in command? She had the sneaking suspicion before that he had been on the opposite side as the Autobots, given the hints dropped by the other two, but to know he was one of the leading dissenters… she wasn't sure how to feel about that. However, she didn't risk interrupting him, and let him continue.

I believed in what we fought for, believed we were fighting to make Cybertron a better place, and yes while the idea of power and glory did go to my head significantly, I never lost sight of our goal. Unfortunately, Megatron was not one to keep the goal in his sight. His vision became clouded with his power, with the fight. He lived to fight, to cause havoc, for the battle. I soon began to notice this… my advice and strategies for succeeding in capturing key places or people went ignored… He would act rashly, simply plunging us into slaughter rather than fighting with a specific goal in mind. I began to realize that Megatron was no longer fighting for Cybertron, but for himself.

Starscream's optics lifted, appearing slightly unfocused and distant, as if he were dredging his memories.

When I realized this, I thought that there had to be a way to reason with him. I tried speaking with him, but he was rather… persuasive in ending the discussions. I tried to get others whom he trusted to speak to him, but they also were met with his temper. I did everything I could to reason with him, and finally decided he could not be persuaded through words and logic. I decided that there was no other option but to replace him with someone more competent, namely myself. Unfortunately… that was not an easy thing to do. I tried doing it the fair way, the way it should be done. I challenged him to a fight, as was my right as second in command. He accepted… and I lost… badly. Instead of accepting the battle as reassurance he was superior, he decided I needed further persuasion as not to challenge him again.

Starscream lightly traced a seam across his face, barely visible but still there.

It was several orns before I could walk again. But by then I had tested his weaknesses and found non to be had with a physical fight. I knew I had to strike somehow, without him knowing. I tried everything from poison to trickery… unfortunately every attempt was a failure. Megatron is a most difficult mech to take down. Each attempt taught me what not to do… After one attempt that nearly had me offline, I decided that something deeper had to be planned. I began to gather support from the ranks, whispering dissent to others who I knew shared my views, but were too afraid to act. I managed to gather about half of the forces to my side…and I orchestrated a complex plan to get him to take only those loyal to my cause out on a mission… where I then attacked him surrounded by my supporters.

He paused, and Alexis had to force herself to take a deep breath, not having realized she was holding it. She could just picture the kind of leader that Stasrcream was, conniving and intelligent, gathering his forces, hoping to succeed.

Unfortunately… as good as I was at deceit, I was not as apt at uncovering it. I had Megatron in my grasp, at my mercy… and I decided THEN would be a good time to gloat. He must have known I would do that, because that's when those who were truly loyal to him struck. I was taken down very quickly…

Starscream sighed, his optics dimming as his shoulders slumped a little.

It was a crushing defeat. I was kept alive to watch as every single dissenter was eliminated in front of me. Then… I was taught the error of my ways.

Alexis flinched. She could only imagine what THAT meant.

I am not exactly certain how long I was kept prisoner… I do know that Megatron flaunted my wings on the exterior of our headquarters as a reminder to the troops what happens to traitors. I unfortunately was not so lucky as to die quickly. Megatron has always, and will continue to be, a complete sadist. He enjoyed taking out his punishment on me. The only relief I held was the fact that I might die after it was over. Unfortunately… He grimaced. I was not that lucky.

His optics shifted down to her, studying her warily.

By now perhaps Ratchet has discussed the existence of sparks with you?

She nodded.

Then you should know, I have a unique spark. I was always aware of this, but as to it's properties I never knew. I found out quickly enough… as did Megatron.

He sighed, slumping over a little.

It seems my spark cannot be extinguished. Most mechs sparks will die out when their bodies cannot sustain them, when there is no energy to feed them… mine, for whatever reason, does not seem to suffer these limitations.

Alexis' eyes widened as she slowly connected what he was hinting at.

Megatron destroyed my body the first time, thinking me dead… and quickly discovered that my spark still lived on. He then discovered the thrill of repairing me… only to 'kill' me all over again.

"My god." She whispered aloud, her heart aching as she could FEEL the pain through the link of his emotions simply in recalling the issue. "How …. How many times?"

I don't know. I lost count. The things he did are not to be repeated to anyone. Needless to say… I do not try to dwell on those memories, and were it not such an important part of my life, I would have wiped them to forget them myself.

"I don't blame you for that." She murmured, then fell silent again. Sorry. Continue.

It would have possibly gone on like this endlessly. But even Megatron got tired of his game. Eventually, he tossed me in a dark windowless cell and completely forgot about me for nigh two or three of your years. He never once came down to taunt me nor to check on me. He never had energon delivered, he simply left me there to rot, possibly to see how long I could survive without anything at all, even contact from others.

At this, he paused obviously needing to take a break in his story. Alexis would have placed a hand on him if she could have, but resigned herself to sending waves of understanding through the link instead. After a time, he straightened up a bit, drawing strength to continue.

Likely all the Autobots had was the reports of my death. Like everyone else, they believe me to have perished at Megatron's hands after my rebellion. Fortunately, or unfortunately in some cases I have often thought, things did not end there. I have two brothers among the Decepticons, two mechs who share the same build as me. While we were never particularly close as you might consider a sibling, though we were closer than others, and we shared a common past. They were my trine mates, my wing mates, and flew at my side through all the battles. We knew each other well, and while they probably despised me much of the time, we did share enough of a bond that they had a desire to help me. Eventually, once Megatron seemed to have at last forgotten about toying with me, they broke into my cell and helped me escape. They brought me to a good friend of mine who I had lost contact with, that they somehow had managed to track down. It was there that I hid while he repaired me… and there that I stayed to join him at his side as we worked on scientific endeavors together. To this date, I am uncertain if anyone other than those three knew about my escape. He rebuilt enough of my structure that I was not recognized when encountering Decepticons. It is there where I have kept my company, and hidden myself. His gaze shifted back to her, blue optics shining softer. This is why I am not entirely pleased having to reveal my survival to the Autobots. While they may not hold me accountable to my crimes after this long, considering I did try to stop Megatron they might even consider that act heroic, I also am not well-liked among most, if not all of them. I killed many of their ranks… and enjoyed it. I know what animosity they hold to me, and I do not blame them for it. But I would like to leave my past where it is, and not dredge it back up to the surface if possible.

Alexis sat there in silence, thinking over his explanation. It was very different from what she had formulated out of mere curiosity, but at the same time his words rang true. She knew he was not deceiving her, nor had he any reason to, considering she was neutral in their war. After a long time in consideration, she lifted her gaze, unafraid and undaunted. So… You gave up fighting then and turned to science.

It was my passion before the war. He admitted. I worked with my same partner back then… we were a good team, the top of our class… I loved my work. It is a good life to embrace science again and give up war. I was trained to fight, but I lost all will to do so with what I have been through.

I understand. She said softly. The scars of war run deeper than just on the surface. She commented, her eyes grazing over his own scarred visage, taking in the structure she knew to have been repaired after his encounter. I don't think it changes who you are. It helps me better understand you, I think. I know why you gave that up… war does terrible things to all of us, even the most battle-worn.

You are right. His optics relaxed, and she felt relief flood through the link. I was a murderer, I make no qualms of that. There is no day that passes when I don't reflect back and regret my part in the war. I used to enjoy killing, used to thrive on it. Now… He looked distant again. I mourn it. Perhaps it is my partner who has calmed me… perhaps my experiences. Whatever it is… I wish to remain separate from the fight, I want no part in it.

She smiled slightly. I don't blame you for that. No matter what the others think of you, I see no reason to change my perspective based on what you've told me. You have been nothing but cordial to me, and I have no complaints being joined to you in this weird unexplained way. You have my support, Starscream.

The smile that graced his features was genuine. Thank you. He paused a moment, optics growing serious. I would appreciate if you keep what you know to yourself. I do not particularly feel like sharing all of this with others who have not earned my trust.

No problem, I won't say a word. She promised. One thought tickled her mind, however. One question though… won't your partner come looking for you? Does he know where you are?

Starscream sighed. Yes… he will search for me, and I'm unsure if he knows where I am. He has his ways of tracking me, however… It is inevitable he will come for me eventually. He is no threat to the Autobots or to Earth, however I am concerned he may draw unwarranted attention from the Decepticons if he is not careful.

You should tell Optimus that, even if you don't give him details. She pointed out. He should be prepared in case he shows up, and prepare in case he's followed.

Starscream sighed, but she felt understanding along the link. You are right. That is a wise course of action. I will do as you suggest.

Good. She replied, smiling at him. I don't think you have anything to fear from anyone here. Even if they did somehow recognize you, considering what you've done might change their opinions.

I doubt it. What is an apt human phrase that explains how long grudges are kept?

I get the point. She sighed a little. Well… whatever happens, I've got your back.

Thank you.