Chapta Ten: Kaboom
Jamz, Oric, Ongrat and several Snakebite Nobs were in the middle of fighting off Goff veterans when two Gretchin arrived at the scene.
"Oi, Boss, Orlen's got a message fer ya!" One of the small runts shouted above the noise.
Sweat and blood dripped from Uurgrin's thick forearm as he his spiked axe at a Goff, cleaving off the Ork's arm. "I aint exactly got da time ter stop 'n' chat, Gretchin! Jus' tell me what 'ee wants."
The Gretchin dodged several potentially lethal stomping boots, jumped, and climbed up Uurgrin's back, clinging onto the Boss's furs. He whispered into Uurgrin's ear so the Goffs didn't over hear. "Orlen said 'ee's buildin' a bomb inside da settlement ta blow up da Goffs wiv. 'Ee said dat when it's ready, 'ee needs yer to get all da remaining Snakebites ter run frew da camp, so all da Goffs follow, an' retreat out da uvah side, 'n' lock all da Goffs in. Den, 'ee's gonna blow up da camp wiv da Goffs in it." The runt hid behind the Boss's head, ready to dodge an angry fist. The Gretchin had been expecting an adverse reaction, but none came.
Uurgrin scowled but did not go completely agro – the thought of losing the battle was no longer at the back of his mind, it had been creeping it's way through the dense jungle inside the Ork's head for a while now. He would never admit it to his Orks, but he doubted the Snakebites would win this battle – he had immensely misjudged his foe.
"Alright, tell 'im I said we'll do it once 'ee tells us to. An' tell all da Nobs what's appanin', an' ter be ready fer da signal fer yew-know-what." Uurgrin replied to the Gretchin, stumbling back from at attack by a large Goff Nob.
The Gretchin nodded and jumped down; he sent his companion to inform Orlen of the Boss's decision while he ran around to seek out the Snakebite Nobs.
"I've got it!" Oric screamed aloud as he raised his club and brought it down with a sickening crunch on a battered Goff.
Jamz cut open the stomach of a Nob. "Got what?"
"I'll call 'er Muvver!" Oric grinned and ducked as an axe came close to cutting his head off.
"Call what Muvver?" Jamz asked confused. "Do yew 'ave a pet squig, or somefin'?"
"No, no, me squiggof tusk toof."
Jamz went back to clouting things, shaking his head. "Typical of Oric." He muttered. "WAAAAGH!"
Ten minutes later, another Gretchin arrived with a message for Uurgrin. "Oi, Boss," he whispered as he climbed up onto the Ork's shoulder. "Orlen says 'ee needs Ongrat ter detonate da bomb. Says 'ee wants 'im at da camp wiv 'im."
Uurgrin was breathing heavily – he was slowly beginning to tire. He'd been fighting the biggest of the Goffs for several hours without a break. "Can't 'ee use someone else? Oh, fine, whatever. Tell Ongrat ta go – an' tell Orlen ta 'urry up, wivout Ongrat we'll be really strugglin'."
"No worries Boss," The Gretchin pulled out a syringe from the bag. "Da Dok gave me a few presents." He jabbed Uurgrin and injected the contents of the needle. "I'll be on me way now."
The Gretchin jumped down, and ran about injecting the Boss's mob – Jamz, Oric, and the biggest Snakebite Nobs all received a little pick-me-up. The Orks frothed at the mouth and shook feverously as the fightin' jooce took effect; Uurgrin and his Orks looked like rabid animals as they fought.
After running out of the fightin' jooce, the Gretchin ran off to find Ongrat – he wasn't hard to spot. There was always bright explosions and psychotic screaming wherever Ongrat and his Minders were fighting.
Heading across the battlefield the Gretchin saw the show; full-blown waagh energy was cascading through hordes of Goffs and off-shoots crackles in the sky like fireworks. At the epicentre were Ongrat and his Minders. The Gretchin approached Ongrat with much caution; it would only take the smallest bolt of stray waagh energy to crisp something as small as a Gretchin. Eventually he made it to the ring of Minders which surrounded Ongrat, and pushed his way through.
The Gretchin shielded his eyes as a bright white-blue light poured out of Ongrat's mouth like water from a fire hydrant. "Ongrat! Boss says yer gotta go to meet Orlen in da camp. Orlen will explain ev'rythin' when yer get dere. 'Ee's in da Boss's 'ut."
"What?" Ongrat sounded surprised. "We're barely holdin' back da Goffs as it is. I can't go anywhere. Yew sure dat's what da Boss said?" Ongrat shook violently; the white-blue substance seeped from every orifice of his body, before it exploded out of his mouth in another torrent of waagh energy.
"Yeh, dat's what da Boss said. But if da plan goes well, den we won't 'ave ter worry about holdin' off da Goffs fer much longer." The Gretchin explained. "Orlen's got somefin' cookin'."
One of the deranged Minders snorted gleefully. "Da-ha, ha, ha! Cookin'! Yummy."
"Shut up you twit," Ongrat snapped at the Ork, and looked down at the Gretchin. "Alright. I'll come. But it's goin' ta be 'ard ta git back to da camp if da Goffs fink I'm alive. Let me just fake a deff."
Not sure what to expect, the Gretchin climbed onto one of the Minder's backs to give Ongrat some space. The Weirdboy let off one more spout of energy, before screaming like a man of fire, clutching his head and falling to the ground. The Minders all looked around; their faces gave away that had no idea what just happened to Ongrat.
"Quick, take da dead Weirdboy back ta camp!" The Gretchin ordered. He knew Ongrat was alive, but he had to get him out of there before the Weirdboy released another bolt of energy and giveaway that he wasn't actually dead. With so much fighting the energy was quick to build up. "C'mon yew lot, get Ongrat's body outta 'ere, 'fore it spontaneously combusts or somefin' 'orrible like dat!"
Two of the Minders grabbed Ongrat's "body" and headed for the camp's entrance. The rest continued to fight the Goffs to cover their retreat. Once inside the camp walls, the Minders ploughed their way through the mobs of Goff Stormboys as they followed the Gretchin. Once or twice Ongrat released puffs of waagh energy which was more than enough to keep the majority of Goffs well away.
"Orlen, Ongrat's 'ere!" The Gretchin announced as he ran through the door to Uurgrin's hut; the pyramid of explosives was looking well stocked. The Minders were about to throw Ongrat's body on the pile when he sprang to life, leaping out of their hands. "I ain't dead, an' even if I was, throwin' me on a junk pile ain't da way ter treat me!"
The Minders looked at Ongrat confused, but nodded anyway. Ongrat dismissed the pair, ordering them to go back to the fight. Usually Minders would never leave a psyker Ork such as Ongrat, but the sparks flying around Ongrat's head was enough to get them scuttling back to fight the Goffs.
"Ongrat!" Orlen greeted the Weirdboy as if he was a long lost relative or friend. "I was worried yew were dead. We might 'ave 'ad ter use more unfortunate means ta light da bomb uverwise."
Ongrat looked at the pyramid which stood before him. "Yer plan is a giant explosive mess?" He said, half amused. "What's dis got ter do wiv me though?"
Orlen put an arm around Ongrat's shoulders. "Yew are gonna light it up, hur, hur, hur."
"Let's tie 'im up an' throw 'im on da heap," A shrill annoying voice piped up behind Ongrat. Brudz peeked around the Weirdboy. "Dem uver two 'ad da right idea."
Ongrat turned around, ready to hit Brudz when Cezzy ran over with a stool. "No, no, yew save yer energy Ongrat. I got 'er! Hee! Hee!" The Dok pounced on her sister, breaking the stool over the Mek's head. "I always wanted ter do dat."
Brudz fell to the ground dazed. "Oooowwie…" She moaned. "I fawt yew said not ter fight 'round ugly dere…"
Ongrat's eyes wept waagh energy; he shook his head flicking the essence off. "There are some exceptions to dat rule." He replied.
"I fink we're just about done," Orlen said addressing everyone. "I'll tell da remaining Gretchin ter warn all da Snakebites; while they're doin' dat, I'll quickly go over da plan one more time ter make sure nobody zogs up."
Not long after, Uurgrin received the message to retreat. He bellowed out across the battlefield, ordering all Snakebites to return to the settlement. At first a trickle of Orks ran through the great gates, but it quickly increased. The mob was slowed as they met the Goff stormboyz, but the tide of Snakebites broke through the resistance.
The Weirdboy, the Dok and the two Meks stood at the top of the south-east corner of the wall over looking the settlement and watching the Snakebites retreat. It was as far as they could get from Uurgrin's hut where Ongrat could ignite the bomb from.
Brudz rubbed her lumpy head. "It still 'urts…" she complained aloud. Her gaze wandered across the camp, stopping on the Mek shop. "Pity dat place 'as gotta go up in flames," She sighed thinking of all the potential devices she could have made. A dreadful realisation suddenly crossed her mind. "Blood, spew 'n' bile!"
Ongrat looked at the Evil Suns Mek with a slight sneer. "What's up wiv yew?" he questioned.
Forgetting all about her cuts and bruises the young Mek pushed past Cezzy and Orlen. "Me bike! Me precious BIKE! It's still in da Mek shop! It'll be blow ter bits!"
Cezzy tried to grab her sister but the Ork slipped out of her grasp. "Yew idiot! Fergit about da bike! Da Goffs'll be 'ere any minute, an' we gotta blow dem up!"
Brudz ran off along the wall towards a ramp. Cezzy-Po followed in pursuit shouting curses and threats. Orlen looked from Ongrat to the Evil Suns girls. He was torn between protecting the psyker in case the Goffs attacked him, and preventing the Dok from being blown to pieces; he still needed some new hands to be sewn onto his stumps. "If I – "
"Yes, yes, just go," Ongrat said shooing Orlen like an annoying child. "I'll make sure da bomb goes off – don't yew worry 'bout dat. An' no one'll get near me. I lived dis long fer a reason, ya know!" He wasn't as worried as Orlen was about who or what got caught in the explosion.
Brudz and Cezzy ran down the ramp and through the camp towards the Mek shop. They ran through mobs of Snakebites who were hurrying in the opposite direction to get out of the camp. Orlen lumbered after them slowly, shoving Orks out of his way.
"Cezzy! Get back 'ere! Brudz! Do as yer sister tells yer!" He cried out but neither sister responded.
The Mek shop was just beyond the Weirdboys and minders huts. Brudz jumped through a hole in the Mek shop wall and looked around frantically for her bike.
"It's not where I put it!" She growled turning over a bench in frustration.
Cezzy grabbed Brudz' arm. "Idiot, let's get out ov 'ere before dis place goes up in a ball of flame!"
Brudz tried to pull her arm free from her sister's grip. "I ain't goin' nowhere wivout me bike!"
Orlen crashed through the wall, not bothering to use the door. "It's over there," he said pointing to a heap covered with cloth and chains. "I hid in case I needed ter use it as a bargainin' chip coz yew woz bein' a pain."
Brudz and Cezzy ran over the disguised bike. The pair tried to unwrap it, but the chains were tangled together. "How'm I gonna get it outta 'ere if it's like dat!" The young Mek yelled angrily.
Orlen walked over and grabbed it with his arms and hefted the bike off the floor. "I'll carry it." He said. "Now get let's get outta 'ere!"
The trio were about to leave when the doors to the Mek shop were smashed open; a mob of Goffs stood in the door frame.
"Oi, look dere!" One of the smaller Goffs said pointing Orlen and co. "Dere's some more Orks, an' dey's tryin' ter hide from us. Hur, hur, how pafetic."
"Why's dem two wearin' red fings?" Another asked. "Dey don't look like Snakebites."
The three friends slowly crept towards the back entrance while the Goffs stood there talking.
A Goff Nob squinted his eyes as he studied the enemy; Cezzy wore a lab coat covered in blood splatters, and all kinds of medical instruments dangled from her. Brudz' belt was stuffed with spanners, and she had grease and oil stains on her clothes. His lips slowly formed into a teeth-baring scowl; he knew what he saw. "Dem two looks like dey's a Mad Dok an' a Mek from da Evil Suns clan… An' dat big one… could 'ee be… Yeah, 'ee iz! 'Ee's da Snakebite Mek da we cut da 'ands off! GET 'EM, BOYZ!"
"Run for it!" Cezzy screeched, running out the back entrance. Orlen and Brudz followed closely.
Orlen tried to direct the girls through the back streets of the settlement to the southern wall, but Goffs seemed to be at every turn. The word had spread through the Goffs like wild fire that there were still two Meks and a Mad Dok alive. It quickly turned into a witch hunt on a colossal scale.
Goffs chased them though the settlement, ignoring all the fleeing Snakebites. Orlen found it hard to keep up with the girls, and he stopped briefly beside a snake pit and threw the bike into it.
Brudz looked on in horror. "What're yew doin'!?"
"Yer bike'll be safe dere," Orlen explained and ran. "Follow me, an' don't stop fer nuthin'!"
The Snakebite Mek charged through the streets; he entered a building and barged through the wall (it was an advantage to have huts made from wood, grass and mud). He did this several times to get around angry mobs of Goffs, not stopping once to catch his breath. They were almost at the south entrance when a pack of stormboyz flew out of the sky and surrounded them.
Cezzy-Po looked up towards the wall; she could see Ongrat powering up ready to detonate the bomb with a blast of waagh energy. "We ain't got time ter fight 'em," She warned Orlen.
"Shit, dis sucks!" Brudz cursed looking around for some way to escape.
The Dok nudged her sister with her elbow subtly and flashed a quick sly grin at her. At first Brudz looked puzzled but as soon as her sister began making guttural cries similar to what you might hear a demon from the warp make and producing froth at the corners of her mouth she caught on to the plan.
"Oh no!" Brudz yelled fearfully, looking down at her sister who was lying on the ground faking a convulsion. "She's got vercaskribula, a terrible, terrible, flesh-eatin', brain-killin', organ-krumpin' VIRUS!"
Orlen didn't know what to do; he looked equally confused and even a little scared just as the Goffs did. Brudz ran around frantically, limbs flailing. She ran up to a Goff and grabbed him, shaking him and screaming hysterically about exploding hearts and brains dribbling out noses. When he was sufficiently horrified, she targeted another Goff and soon the stormboyz looked fearful and unwilling to go anywhere near the Dok.
"Pick me up and run yew squig-brained fungus brain," Cezzy whispered to Orlen while the Goffs were distracted. "An' start screamin' like a Weirdboy! Pretend yer infected or somefin'!"
Realising it was all just a façade to scare the Stormboys, Orlen joined in on the show. He picked Cezzy-Po up with one arm, and began screaming and shaking his head; saliva flew everywhere.
Brudz was partaking in a screaming contest when Orlen ran past. She followed, leaving the stunned Goffs to look about wondering if the person next to them would start convulsing and have their hearts explode. Orlen put Cezzy-Po down once they were a safe distance from the Stormboys.
They ran for their lives; the gates were closing – all of the remaining Snakebites were outside the settlement's walls. Cezzy-Po and Brudz reached out and grabbed the edge of the gate to hold it ajar, giving Orlen enough time to catch up and push it open enough for them to slip through.
The gates closed behind them as they exited the settlement; they saw Uurgrin and what was left of his Clan standing well back from the walls. A bright light glowed from the corner of the wall as Ongrat unleashed a furious beam of waagh energy. The Weirdboy leaped from the wall just as the initial shockwave of the blast hit, sending him flying.
Cezzy-Po, Brudz and Orlen tumbled through the air and bounced off the ground from the force of the blast. The gates flew open, nearly ripped from their hinges and the walls rattled ominously. A giant plume of red, yellow, orange and black cascaded into the sky signalling the destruction of the camp.
All the Orks' ears buzzed from the blast. It took a few minutes for the ringing to dim, and their hearing to return. Uurgrin studied the camp through the open gates; flames engulfed the settlement, turning everything it touched to cinders. He ordered half of his clan to circle around the settlement and kill any Goffs who walked out of the north entrance. The Goffs lucky enough to survive the blast itself ran about trying to escape the fire; those who ran through the south gate were cut down by the Snakebite hoard, and their teeth ripped out of their heads.
Uurgrin, Jamz, Oric and three large Nobs approached the gate. Uurgrin inspected the walls. "We'll 'ave a lot ov rebuildin' ter do afterwards." He muttered. "Da walls took a poundin'."
Several hours later when the sun was beginning to sink, the Snakebites lit a bonfire outside the settlement where the major battle had taken place. They burned the bodies of the dead Goffs after stripping them of anything useful.
Brudz limped about with a bucket scavenging teeth and trinkets. She was looking for a trophy to adorn her bike with – if it survived. She was rummaging through the corpses of a couple of Goff Nobs when someone snatched her bucket off the ground.
"Oi!" She shouted, jumping up. "Dose iz mine! Huh? Orlen?"
Orlen grinned down at Brudz with her bucket gripped in one of his new hands. "Yew owe me fifty-five teef, if I remember correctly."
Cezzy-Po looked at Orlen's hands proudly. Her chest saw was covered with dried blood where she had hacked off two hands from the dead Goffs. "I am da greatest transplanter dat ever existed," she said with much self-admiration. "I c'n fix anyfin' Orky."
"Tell 'im ter give dem teef back!" Brudz growled. "I deserves dem, after all dis crap!"
"A deal's a deal," Cezzy replied. "Orlen gets fifty five of yer teef. Be thankful 'ee didn't ave ter rip 'em outta ya gob."
Orlen counted out the teeth, pocketing them in lots of five. "…'An ten-fives. Dere. Yew can 'ave da rest."
He chucked the bucket back to Brudz; there was barely a quater of a bucket left of teeth. "After all I did fer yer clan!" She scowled resentfully. "Ungrateful squig shi- Oi! What yer fink yer doin'! Yew can't take does, dey're mine!"
Brudz gripped on tight to the bucket; Jamz had extended his arm over her head and grabbed the bucket. "Let go ya big git!"
Jamz lifted the bucket and Brudz from the ground. He shook her off the bucket like dirt from the roots of a plant. "I'm bigger dan yew, so I'll do whatever I wants ter!" Jamz replied as he poured the contents of the bucket into a pull-string bag. When he had finished, the mega-armoured Nob jammed the bucket down over Brudz' head and pinched it around her neck. "Later, hur, hur!" He stomped off, crushing dead bodies under his large metal-clad feet.
Cezzy-Po laughed as she watched her sister struggling with the bucket. She didn't offer any sort of help; it had been a long time since she had been this entertained and she wasn't about to ruin it. After the Mek had stumbled around, blindly tripping over dead Orks and getting stabbed by discarded choppas which littered the battle field for about an hour, Cezzy-Po and Orlen offered to help.
The Dok stitched up her sister's cuts while the bucket was still stuck on her head (to help prevent being bitten), and afterwards, Orlen cut open the bucket with a pair of tin snips.
Unfortunately, all the beer had been detonated. So for the rest of the night, the Orks ate around the giant bonfire (the Goffs were quite meaty…) and scavenged loot from the dead. All except for Cezzy-Po and Orlen who were now running away from a very angry Brudz – who just happened to conveniently (i.e. because the narrator is sadistic) find a chainsaw lying on the ground.