Chapta Fawteen: Zugzwanged

Chapta Fawteen: Zugzwanged

Say of Da Day: "I love my ev'ryfin'!" – Orlen, Snakebite Mek.

The sun was rising above the horizon lighting the desert up in a warm pale glow. A line of Orks stretched out across the flat red land – the Snakebites and the four Evil Sunz were on their way to Squigopolis: a large inland Ork town renowned for its squigs. The town was often referred to as the "Squig Capital" of the land.

The Evil Sunz Orks had decided to tag along with the Snakebites. Not that they had much choice in the matter; all the fuel was used in the making of the bomb, and no one had thought to filch the map before the settlement went up in flames. And there was no way to fix the vehicles since most of the equipment in the Mek shop had been destroyed or damaged. Brudz' tool box, which had been salvaged from her bike wreck, did not contain the many spare parts her bike and the wartrakk would need to become operational once again.

Ongrat plodded along; his mouth stretched open in a lazy yawn. His ears were once again decorated with shiny silver hoops; Cezzy-Po still walked beside Ongrat, admiring her handy work.

'Dey look very nice…' She said, dribbling slightly. 'Shiny…'

Her sister flicked her on the temple. 'Shut yer yap-ole an' keep pullin'!' Brudz was on Cezzy's other side.

The sisters had a rope each over their shoulders. They were dragging Brudz' bike along behind them - it was barely recognisable as a bike, bit it still managed to creek along on one bent wheel.

A small squealing animal came running past Cezzy-Po and Brudz; it was Squiggy version 1.3 – surprisingly, the experimental squig had survived the explosion. It had been found wedged in a compartment of Brudz' bike when it was pulled out of the snake pit. No one was sure how it ended up there. The squig's back had been burnt, so Cezzy-Po fixed it up with bits from the dead Orks. She grafted new skin onto its back, and also attached a hand. Cezzy suspected the previous owner of the hand didn't like having the hand attached to a squig's back, as the beast was constantly running around with the middle digit raised. Some Orks found it offensive, but most found it rather amusing.

"Squiggy!" Cezzy-Po yelled out to her pet lovingly. "C'mere, boy."

The beast ambled over excitedly to his master. He jumped up like a dog trying to climb Cezzy's leg; the hand was still giving the finger.

"I fink it'll take a while for Shquiggy ter get used ta 'is new appendage." Cezzy said looking down at her pet. "Ee's got problems wiv dat 'and…"

"Nah, ee's just fine," Brudz said with a snigger. "Can I 'ave one like 'im? I'll tie it to da back of me bike, har har har…"

"We need a Dok 'oo can fix beasts…" Ongrat mumbled. The Snakebite Weirdboy wasn't very good at socialising.

Cezzy-Po went from being a border-line dazzled manic to being extensively mentally haemorrhaged after hearing Ongrat's words; she was grinning from ear-to ear exposing almost every tooth, gum and fungal infection in her mouth. She even forgot to breathe after a burst of rapid giggles, and her nostrils were flared. She even started to convulse.

"I hate you Ongrat," Brudz growled, trying to punch her sister off cloud-nine. "Me sister becomes more retarded ev'ry time she 'angs around yew. She must be allergic ter Weirdboys."

Ongrat smirked. "I 'as dat effect on certain Orks, hur, hur, hur…" He was enjoying annoying Cezzy's younger sister.

Jamz bellowed out from behind. "Oi! I wants a break! I'm sick've walkin'! Yew got any idea 'ow 'eavy dis armour makes me legs?"

Uurgrin, who was up the front of the horde, gave the order to stop; the pack slowly came to a halt, gathering in a rough circle. Jamz was one of the last Orks to join the mob; he came lumbering over to the group slowly. He sat down with a thump, and a cloud of dust billowed upwards. Several of the other Nobs also sat down to take a break.

"We can't rest fer too long, boyz," Uurgrin announced as all the Orks settled down. "Once da Goffs realise dere raid failed, dey'll be very busy lookin' fer us."

Brudz lay down beside her bike to catch a few minutes nap. She left Cezzy-Po to her own devices.

"Do yer want a tattoo?" Cezzy asked Ongrat. "I's real good at tattooin'!"

"No fanks." Ongrat replied, looking about for someone. He eventually spotted Orlen and made a dash for the Mek when he thought Cezzy-Po wasn't watching.

"Bloody 'ell Orlen, yew leave me wiv dem crazy red-ragged rabid Orks again an' I'll make yer eyes pop outta ya head!" He said hiding behind the Nob. "Did she follow me?"

Orlen looked about confused. "Did 'oo follow yer?"

"Yer want a tattoo? I's real good at tattooin'!" Cezzy stood in front of Orlen revving a tattoo gun; it looked suspiciously like an electric tooth brush which had its brush head exchanged for giant needles.

"Uh… maybe anuver time." Orlen replied eyeing the tattoo gun nervously. "Put dat fing away, will yer?"

The Dok obliged, and tucked her tattoo gun away; she then pulled out another pointy instrument from a different pocket and zipped around Orlen so she could talk to Ongrat. "Yer want a piercin'? I's real good at stabbin' holes!"

Ongrat gave shrieked in surprise as the Dok appeared in front of him with her medical instruments poised to stab something. "Go away! I don't want anymore 'oles in me dan I's already got!"

"Okay… but… 'ow 'bout a tattoo?" Cezzy-Po didn't seem ready to give up just yet.

"Yew already asked me dat!" Ongrat replied exasperated. "Why yer bein' all weird? I'm da Weirdboy, I's da one dat's meant ter be strange. Did yer get a piece ov shrapnel in yer 'ead?"

"What do yer expect, Ongrat?" Orlen said looking over his shoulder. "Dey don't call 'em 'Mad Doks' 'coz dey is sane, do dey? An' she's a girl. All girls are odd."

"What da 'ELL iz DAT supposed ter mean?" Cezzy yelled, rounding on Orlen. "Yew want me ter cut dose 'ands off again?"

Orlen jumped to his feet and raised his hands in the air. "Yew aint getting' dese, I needs 'em!"

There was a few moments of prickly silence; a slither of waagh essence squeaked out of Ongrat's butt breaking the tension slightly. "Er… my bad." He said looking away embarrassed.

"Better in dan out, dat's more 'n' true in yaw case, aye, Ongrat? Hur, hur, hur!" Orlen laughed at his friend. He always found Ongrat's farts amusing.

Cezzy-Po took great offence to Orlen teasing Ongrat, and went all-out schizophrenic. She took out two scalpels and twirl them trough her fingers like a martial artist.

"Aaah!" Orlen fled; he had seen with his own eyes only the day before how skilled (or rather how evil) the Dok was with her stabby medical instruments. "No, pleeze, I woz jokin'! Don't dissect me! I love my ev'ryfin'!"

Orlen barged a path through the Orks to get away from the Dok; Cezzy-Po flew after him screaming incoherent noises. She flung razor blades like ninja stars; two stuck in the back of Orlen's head stinging him like wasps, but most either bounced off his fur or found other targets.

"If yew kill me, or cut me 'ands off, I can't 'elp fix yer sistah's bike!" Orlen protested, coming to a halt in front of a large rock, and turned to face the Dok. The other Snakebites were too worried about their own hides or enjoying the spectacle to bother trying to help the clan's Mek.

"She don't need yer 'elp ter fixsh dat bike, she's quite capable of doin' dat 'ershelf!" The Dok pointed a scalpel threateningly at Orlen; her excessive lisp indicated she was thoroughly pissed off and excited. Seeing blood had that effect on her. "Sho, Orlen, what shall I cut off firsht?"

"Wait! Wait!" Brudz came running through the mob of Orks and skidded to a halt in front of Orlen, with her arms open wide. "Don't 'urt 'im!"

Cezzy-Po looked at her sister bewildered. Orlen was just as surprised. "Yew came ter save me?" He whimpered gratefully.

"What?" Brudz' face screwed up with amusement. "Oh, yeah, I did."

"Why do yer wanna save dis incredibly maddenin' lump ov fat?" Cezzy-Po asked her sister.

"It aint fat, it's muscles!" Orlen protested. After being glared at again by Cezzy-Po he muttered, "okay, so maybe it's 'alf 'n' 'alf…"

"Da reason I came ter save Orlen iz coz I learnt many fings from 'im in da short time we've been wiv da Snakebites." She explained, taking on a solemn tone. The sly smile on her face gave away that she wasn't perhaps being as straightforward as Orlen thought.

"R-really?" He asked stunned. "Dat's –"

"Including," Brudz raised her voice slightly to interrupt Orlen. "How best ter exploit onez fellow Orks."

Orlen's expression suddenly changed. "Wha' does dat mean?" He snapped suspiciously.

Brudz cackled and turned to face the Mek. "I 'eard what yew yelled out; da racket woke me up. Now, I'm goin' do what apprentices do best an' do what dere mentor teaches 'em." She smiled toothily up at Orlen.

"Bloody 'ell," he groaned back. "Yew slimy liddle punk. Yer want me ter fix yer bike, so's I can live ter see anuver day?"

"No, not fix me bike," Brudz replied. "I will be da only Ork ter touch me bike. I want yer ta fix da wartrakk when we gets ter Squigopolis. Also, yew can drag me bike da rest ov da way dere – I'm sick ov it."

Orlen narrowed his eyes; he didn't like the demands one bit. "In exchange fer wot?"

"If yew agree to doze terms, I'll ask me sistah really nicely ter not go ape shit on yer." Orlen didn't seem too willing to agree, so Brudz prompted him a little more. "If yer don't agree… I'll inject me sistah wiv some ov 'er own fightin' jooce – an' yew saw 'ow crazy dat made da boyz get."

"Grrr… fine!" He spat reluctantly. "I'll drag yer crappy bike and fix da wartrakk."

Brudz kicked Orlen in the shin. "Don't call me bike CRAPPY!" She ran off and hid behind her sister before Orlen could crush her. "Now den; Cezzy-Po, would yew be az nice ter not 'urt Orlen? If 'ee's draggin' da bike, we c'n 'ave a rest."

Cezzy smiled crookedly; she lowered her scalpels. "I always knew yew would one day become az shneaky as me," she said admirably to her sister. "Fine, I'll leave 'im alone az long az 'ee sticks to da agreement."

The Snakebite Mek cursed to himself in his head; he didn't know what was worse: being cut to pieces by a Mad Dok, or becoming the slave of an Ork who barely came up to his rib cage. It was going to be a very long day.

For the first time since she had crashed, Brudz was on her bike again; she sat on top of the charred metal lump, looking extremely pleased with her self. The engine may not have been operational but Orlen was doing a fine job of dragging it through the desert. He had been extremely rough with the bike, dragging it over rocks and through small ditches, but soon gave up after realising Brudz enjoyed the ride even more.

"Can yer at least get of da bike?" He asked at last. "I said I'd drag da bike, not yew."

Brudz took a second to deicide, and called out to her sister. "Oi, Cezzy-Po!"

As soon as Orlen heard her answer he knew he shouldn't have asked. "Okay, okay, stay on da bike," he grunted, assuming he was going to be threatened with the scalpel again if he displeased Brudz.

Cezzy-Po wasn't far away; she was walking with Ongrat again. Fortunately for him, she was preoccupied with Squiggy and the Weirdboy merely had to nod now and then. When she heard her sister call she looked around. "Yeh, what?"

"Do yew an' Ongrat wanna ride da bike? I feels like stretchin' me legs fer a bit."

The Dok's ears perked up and Ongrat shot Brudz an icy glare. He knew the runty Mek said it to get on his and Orlen's nerves.

"Whoo-hoo!" Cezzy shouted and ran over to the bike, jumping on as Brudz jumped off. "C'mon Ongrat, give yer feet a rest. I c'n treat yer blisters if yer got any, hee, hee."

Not wanting to cause the Dok to go off the deep end again, he unenthusiastically joined her. He grunted sympathetically to Orlen as he walked past his friend.

It was dark by the time the Orks stopped again. Uurgrin forbid the lighting of fires to help avoid being detected. Orlen was relieved to be able to stop walking; he dumped the ropes and lay face-down on the ground. Thuds echoed through the make-shift camp as Orks all dropped to the ground to sit and rest; Jamz' distinct chinking rose above all others.

A full moon lit the desert up eerily; Cezzy curled up beneath a shrub and went to sleep – her energised state had left her exhausted. Ongrat walked over to Orlen and sat down; he studied the moon for a moment before speaking. "I want ter stab dat git." He said bluntly.

Orlen grunted in agreement. He felt his furs lifted off his back and tried to swat away what he thought was Ongrat. "I know I smell Ongrat, but what're yer doin'?"

""Dat aint me," Ongrat replied looking around to see who or what was pulling on Orlen's furs. Seeing who it was, he immediately reached out and grabbed the Ork around the throat and pulled them closer. He put the Ork in a neck hold under one of his arms, and put a hand over their mouth firmly. "Yew even try ter call fer yaw sistah, an' I'll break yer neck!" He hissed into Brudz' ear.

Brudz nodded hurriedly. Ongrat took his hand slowly away from her mouth; after he was sure she wouldn't scream for help he asked her, "What're yew doin', botherin' Orlen? Can't yew see 'ee's tired? Da last fing eiver him or me wants is yew pokin' yer nose around while we tries ter rest!"

"I woz just tryin' ter find somefin' ta eat!" Brudz hissed back. She tried to pull her head free, but Ongrat tightened his grip. "I fawt Orlen's furs might be werf a try, but dey's all sweaty and smelly…"

Ongrat snickered at the comment; he couldn't help but find the Mek slightly amusing. "Hur, hur, hur… why don't yew jus' eat some snake, like da rest ov da ladz?"

"Eat a snake?" Brudz screwed her nose up at the idea; she detested the slithering creatures. "I'd ravver eat Orlen's soggy furs dan eat a snake!"

Orlen had been trying to ignore the bickering and get some sleep, but he couldn't let the Evil Sunz Mek go on insulting him. Even if his furs really were wet and stinky with sweat.

"Dere's always dat squig yaw sistah owns," He said rolling over onto his side so his back was to the pair. "An' don't make fun ov me. I'm sweaty coz I worked all day – unlike yew."

"Hmm… maybe Squiggy's got a spare liver or somefin'." Brudz twisted her head so she was looking up at Ongrat sideways. "Oi, can yer let me go now? I won't bovver yer again tonight."

The Weirdboy gave Brudz a warning snarl and lifted his arm. The Mek scuttled off into the darkness. Orlen looked at Ongrat. "I didn't fink she'd take what I said seriously, hur, hur."

Brudz walked over to where her sister had gone to sleep. She pushed a few branches away and looked under the bush. "Cezzy? Uhm… She ain't 'ere. Huh."

She stood up and looked around; dark lumps littered the ground. She walked around the camp looking for a dirty white coat and shiny medical instruments. Every Ork she asked hadn't seen the Dok anywhere besides under the bush.

"Cezzy! Cezzy-Po, where are ya?" She whispered loudly.

After being threatened to shut up or die, she decided to go visit Jamz, Oric and Uurgrin; maybe the Dok went to visit them. She walked through the camp to where most of the Nobs had gathered; she spotted Jamz' huge glinting hulk and tip-toed over to try and avoid waking any sleeping Orks. She was about to ask him if Cezzy had visited when she realised her brother was asleep.

"What yer want?" She heard Oric ask. She spotted him close by, sitting beside Uurgrin. Brudz walked over and spoke to him.

"I'm lookin' fer Cezzy," she whispered. "I've been lookin' for 'er, but she's gone. Did she come over 'ere?"

Oric shook his head. "Nah. She ain't been over 'ere."

"Best yer go fer now," Uurgrin spoke to Brudz. "If yer wake up any of da Nobs dey'll probly crush yer. But if yer still can't find Cezzy soon, let me know. She's still da only Dok us Snakebites 'az got."

Brudz inwardly scowled; Uurgrin made it sound like her sister belonged to the clan. But the Dok wasn't a Snakebite, and she only hoped Uurgrin remembered that when the time came to go their separate ways. As she walked away she could hear Uurgrin and Oric muttering; she couldn't catch a word of what they were saying, but she hoped Uurgrin had nothing to do with her sister's disappearance.

The Mek rechecked the bush; there was still no Cezzy-Po. She searched the camp again and again but there was no trace of the Dok anywhere. Brudz sat down; it was difficult to think while she was hungry, and she needed to collect her thoughts.

If she ain't in da camp… den maybe she's outta da camp. Yeah, maybe she got 'ungry an' went lookin' fer somefin ta eat. Sounds like somefin she'd do… I fink I'll look fer 'er outta da camp an' see if I c'n find somefin' ter eat, too. I bet I'll find 'er not far away. She's probly munchin' on some furry creature.

Five minutes later she walked out of the camp. She began to doubt she'd find Cezzy-Po as she realised how big a place the desert was to search; Brudz continued as planned though, and headed for a cluster of boulders in the distance. She checked all the shrubs along the way for her sister and for anything that might be edible but found nothing except a few spiders.

The cluster of rocks grew bigger as the Ork approached; after an hour of walking and looking about, Brudz arrived at the rocks. They stood much taller than her self – they would be a perfect place to find anything bigger than a spider. Maybe some wild squigs'll be sleepin' in da rocks, She thought.

As she walked around the rocks she heard a snuffling sound. Bingo! Either it was Cezzy-Po, or something to eat. She tip-toed closer and peeked around a boulder; in the opening of a large crevice something moved. Brudz quietly pulled a spanner from her back pocket. Moonlight glinted off the body of the animal's pelt giving it a shiny appearance.

A pile of white rocks near the entrance to the crevice caught Brudz' eye; when she looked closer, she realised it wasn't a pile of rocks, but poop; it had a strange smell. As the Ork crept closer to the crevice the smell intensified.

Reminds me ov da Snakebite's settlement, she thought to herself. Eager to catch her prey she quickly tip-toed forward again. She paused a few feet from the entrance as something at the back of her minded nagged her… Why would it smell like da Snakebite's settlement?

A large triangular head slipped out of the crevice; its forked tongue quivered in the air. It dawned on Brudz why it smelt like the Snakebite's settlement… because the animal she was stalking wasn't a squig, it was a snake.

The snake scented Brudz and was quick to rear up; its long fat body slithered out of the cave and reared up hissing. Spines flared along the spine of the snake, and its belly changed from white to bright yellow. Brudz slowly backed away; the snake stood taller than she did, and it looked about as pissed off as Mumzy did when she was having a bad day at the farm.

Every time Brudz made a move the snake followed her movements and crept closer. Desperate to put distance between herself and the snake, Brudz threw the spanner at it. With lightning speed the snake struck the spanner and tried to bit it; the snake reeled back in shock after breaking a fang on the metal. Brudz made a run for it, but the snake circled her and backed her up against the rocks. The Mek wished her kustom blasta hadn't been broken in the crash; any kind of gun would have been useful right about now, and her slugga was out of ammunition. Even her giant spanner was back at camp; she didn't like lugging it around when it wasn't necessary.

"I'm gonna become one ov dem poops…" She whimpered. "Somebody 'elp me!"

Angry hisses came from the snake; it hadn't liked Brudz yelling and became even more agitated. It moved its head closer to Brudz when suddenly it closed its mouth and looked sideways. Brudz saw its forked tongue zip in and out between the snake's scaled lips. To her relief, the snake moved away towards the rocks again; it was still reared, but Brudz took the opportunity to creep away very slowly.

Another angry hiss escaped from the snake; Brudz nearly collapsed in fright until she realised it wasn't even looking at her; it was hissing at something at the top of the rocks. It reared higher to try and level itself with its new target.

The Mek didn't wait any longer; she ran as fast as she could without looking back. She gave the rocks a wide berth and ran into the camp, bounding straight over to Ongrat and Orlen.

Ongrat woke up with a start as a weight fell on his chest and shook him; what sounded like the shrieks of a banshee rattled his ear drums. Realising it was Brudz he clamped his hand firmly over her mouth and wrestled her to the ground; Orlen sat up looking about ready to kill something until he saw the Mek.

"What da friggin' hell's got 'er worked up?" Ongrat hissed quietly as he tried to stop Brudz from wriggling out of his grasp. He sniffed back a small dribble of waagh essence; Brudz was really worked up. "Give me a 'and ter held 'er down Orlen."

Orlen nodded and pushed Brudz firmly into the dirt with one hand. Ongrat leant closer to Brudz and whispered, "I'm going to take my hand off ov yer mouf; if yew scream again, I swears I'll punch yer brains outta ya eye sockets an' onta da ground."

Brudz whimpered in reply; tendrils of saliva dripped from Ongrat's hand as he removed it. The Evil Sunz Ork was breathing rapidly and on the verge of hyperventilation; she tried to talk but all that came out was muddled up garble.

Ongrat appeared worried; very few things could make an Ork terrified. "Did… did yew see somefin' from da warp?" He asked her seriously.

Brudz shook her head; Ongrat's fear evaporated. "Den what's got yew all scared?"

"I-I-I w-wer-werz l-l-leh-leh…"

"Did yer 'ave a nightmare?" Orlen asked.

Brudz shook her head.

Ongrat quizzed her next. "Did yer get attacked by someone in da camp? I mean, I wouldn't be surprised, yew are annoyin'…"

Brudz shook her head again. "N-no! Stupid! Jus' s-shut up an-an-an' listen!" She took a deep breath and tried to breathe slowly. "I woz lookin' fer Cezzy outta da camp… An'… an'…"

Concern flickered across Ongrat's face. "Iz she alright?" He asked.

"What part ov SHUD UP don't yer undastand?" Brudz griped. "Ask questions when I'm finished! Now den… I woz outta da camp lookin' fer Cezzy. I headed for a stack ov rocks, an' fawt I saw a squig in a cave… but when I got closer… it… it w-woz… A ZOGIN' GIANT KILLA SNAKE! AAAH! AAAAAH! Mmm-mm!"

This time Orlen planted his hand over Brudz' mouth. "Don't yell, yew'll wake ev'ryone up!" He growled.

Ongrat rolled his eyes. "Yew got all scared coz yew saw a snake? Whoopey-freakin'-doo."

Brudz pried a couple of Orlen's fingers from her mouth so she could talk. "It wasn't just any snake, nuffin like doze coloured fings yew shoot up on,"

"I fawt yew woz told we don't shoot up on 'em!" Orlen growled in protest.

Ignoring Orlen's dissent, Brudz continued, "Dis snake, it woz 'uge… it reared up, an' it stood taller den me! It 'ad a belly which changed colour an' spines on it's back! It 'ad real quick reflexes too. Damn fing had me bailed up against da rocks; I woulda been dead if it didn't get distracted by somefin' else, an' I got da chance ter runaway."

"Yaw such a coward," Ongrat scoffed. "Yew musta 'ad a dream; yew sissy types tend ter 'ave a lot ov bad dreams."

"I already told yer IT WASN'T A FLAMMIN' DREAM!" Brudz screamed. "Hhkk…"

"Fank yew Ongrat, now I c'n get some sleep." Orlen rolled back over and closed his eyes. Ongrat had cracked Brudz on the back of the head with his fist, knocking her out. Both the Snakebite Orks could get some peace again.

He dragged Brudz over to a patch of tiger-claw cactuses and dumped here in it. "Dat'll keep yer busy when yer wake up, hur, hur, hur!"

Chapter notes:

Zugzwang (Zugzwanged) - disadvantageous chess situation: a chess situation in which a player is forced into making a disadvantageous move, especially one that involves the loss of a piece.