What do I do now?
That was all Rose could think as she stood there and gazed at the two markers before her. In the seven years since her parents' death, Rose had never once visited their graves. The thought of seeing their names engraved in stone had brought up all the horrid detailed memories of that hellish day; she didn't need a visual reminder, not when her memories were already so vivid. They plagued her, wormed their way into her being, and stunted her from seeking happiness outside of her immediate circle. Tony, Martha, and Mickey—those three were her entire world, and there was no place for anyone else. Rose couldn't afford, couldn't bear the uncertainty of fully allowing someone else into her life.
But then she had met John. That man stirred emotions within her that she'd never expected to feel—some dormant and others that were entirely new and exhilarating, if not more than a little terrifying. After warring with herself, Rose had finally come to terms with why she was denying herself the complete and unwavering love that she and John had for each other. Once she allowed those feelings entrance, they filled her with such contentment, such completion, and overshadowed the pain that had resided within her for so long. And as the eve of their wedding approached, Rose realized that there was one more demon she had to face.
Rose couldn't help but feel awkward standing there. She felt as if she was exposed, as if the whole world could see her. Feeling the need for some sort of comfortableness (more mental than physical), Rose sat on the slightly dampened grass and faced her parents' names. As she felt the emotion and tears fighting to the surface, Rose knew that she needed to purge herself of the things left unsaid for so long. True, she'd long since acknowledged the fears and emotions that had hindered her for so long. But going there, visiting their graves, was the one obstacle, the one fear she'd yet to overcome. As illogical as it may have sounded, Rose felt that in order for her to completely heal and begin a new life with the man she adored, she needed to go there; to face those physical reminders and say all that she had kept buried inside for years.
Inhaling, she puffed her cheeks, and blew out a hard breath. No sense stalling anymore.
"Well, this is…strange," she began hesitantly. "I… I'm not sure what to say. Can't say I don't feel rather stupid talking to myself." Hearing a faint rustle, Rose looked over and saw a groundskeeper in the distance, eyeing her inquisitively.
Rose could almost hear her mum's annoyed voice saying, "Oi! Mind your own business!" The man finally realized that she'd seen him, and quickly went back to his duties.
Chuckling, she continued, "Pretty sure he thinks I'm a nutter. So…," Rose trailed off, knew she was stalling.
"For Heaven's sake, Rose, just spit it out!" she pictured her mum huffing, grinning at the image of her arms crossed and impatiently waiting.
"I-I didn't handle it well…your leaving. I felt so guilty…guilty that if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have been there, wouldn't have…," Rose's voice hitched as she fought to maintain her resolve. "Guilty for all the things I should've said or done. Then I felt even guiltier because I got so angry at you all for being so bloody insistent that you drive me. Why couldn't ya just've listened to me?" she asked the silence, her voice beginning to rise.
"Wh-why couldn't it have been me instead? Tony was just a baby…he needed his mum and dad. Deserved a chance to know you. I had nineteen years with you. Can still see your faces, can hear your voices. But Tony…h-he… he can't remember anythin' 'bout you. And no matter how hard I try or how bad I want it, he can never have that…can never h-have you," Rose said, tears finally trailing down her cheeks.
She wiped furiously at them, trying to regain some remnant of her composure. Taking a deep, yet shaky breath, she pushed on. "I didn't sleep for days after it happened. Every time I closed my eyes, I relived it over and over again. I could see your faces…your cut up skin…your eyes goin' blank…feel everythin' about that day. Even when I couldn't stay awake anymore, I had so many bloody nightmares. I'd wake up in a sweat and end up retchin' till my stomach ached. I never told Martha or Micks about 'em, but they knew. I could see it in their faces.
It was killin' me, living like that…all that pain, day in and day out. I couldn't take it anymore, so I didn't let anybody near me. Convinced myself that I didn't need anybody 'cept Mickey and Martha and Tony. And after a while, the nightmares eased off. Still had 'em, but not every night. And I was fine. We made a good life for ourselves…the four of us were happy.
Then I met someone… His name's John. Tony adores 'im. That's how I met 'im actually. He found out some lil brat was pickin' on him, and John…oh Mum, forget the slap, ya woulda murdered him… he taught Tony how to blow up a ketchup bottle on the kid," Rose chuckled at the memory, which in hindsight was rather amusing. "A lil' extreme, I know, but it did end up working. He came into the shop—I didn't tell ya we opened up a coffee shop, did I? Either way, I tore into 'im. He held his own though. Made me realize that I had the wrong end on some things. We ended up apologizing to each other. So much happened after that…too much," Rose swallowed hard at the lump in her throat, the tears welling up in her eyes as those memories resurfaced.
"I fell for 'im. Fell hard. I fought it…God, did I fight it," Rose sighed, turning her eyes upward as she thought back. "The way he made me feel…it was like nothin' I'd ever felt before. I couldn't breathe or get him outta my mind. And that…I was so bloody terrified. He was always 'round, no matter how much I tried to keep him at a distance, he kept gettin' closer...He's rather persistent. Before I realized it, he'd broken through all the walls I put up. But I did what I did best…I ran. Ran from him, ran from what I needed, ran from anythin' that might hurt me again. I-I just…I couldn't do that again. Losing you two nearly killed me, but if I lost John… that woulda been it. I'd never be able to come back from that. That's how much I love him, how much I need him.
But I remembered what Dad told me when I was little—that I couldn't be afraid to fall, even if it might hurt. And he's worth it… he's worth everything. There's no question about his feelings or mine. I wish…I wish you could meet 'im. I know you woulda liked him, both of ya…no matter how much Mum might've blustered. He's fought for me…even willing to put himself in harm's way just to make sure I'm safe."
Hot tears trailed her cheeks once again, and she raggedly exhaled, briefly closing her eyes before she continued. "We're gettin' married tomorrow. I just picked up my dress a bit ago. When I was at the fitting, I couldn't help but wish...th-that you were there, Mum. To tell me how I looked, how y'think I should do my hair. Bicker with Martha and Donna…she's John's sister and just as every bit as fiery as you. She'd definitely give you a run for your money," Rose chuckled at the various images that fact brought to mind. As she moved on, she became increasingly somber. "And tomorrow…tomorrow Mum won't be there to fuss over every detail and drive me completely bonkers. And I…I have to walk down the aisle without Dad beside me…without…," Rose trailed of as silent sobs shook her body.
She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to have some modicum of physical comfort. Taking several harsh breaths, Rose began to steady herself, her tears slowing as she began to reach the crux of it all.
"But...I can't let that define me anymore; I won't. I love John with everything I am. Always will. He keeps me fighting. And as much as I miss you…as much as I love you, I have to let this go. You'll always be with me—when I walk down the aisle, when me and John have a baby...no matter what, I'll have you with me. But I can't hold onto the past anymore." Rose exhaled softly, "So when I leave here, that's it. I'm not gonna wallow in the 'what was'… I've got more than I could ever hope for, and I won't throw it away… not for anything…and especially not for what I can't change," she said with quiet definitiveness.
Sniffling, Rose got to her feet and looked back down at the two graves. She pressed a kiss to her fingers, and placed them on each one.
"I love you."
Turning on her heels, Rose left the cemetery for the final time.
Since she was already running late, Rose chose to forego changing, and instead, went straight to Wilf and Harriet's. Though they called it a rehearsal dinner, it was actually just a large family dinner the night before the wedding. Checking her reflection in the side mirror of one of the cars, Rose made sure that all signs of her earlier sadness were well hidden before she went to enter the home. Now that she had finally arrived, the family sat down to dinner. The conversation was lively and a pleasant and welcomed distraction for Rose from the events of the day. However, she was still aware of the curious looks John would periodically send her way. After dinner, while the men were forced to do the cleanup, Rose wandered into the backyard and sat on the bottom step of the patio, staring up into the night sky.
"It's not really fair that you get to skip out on wedding stuff, when I'm not allowed to. Double standard, if you ask me," John said, suddenly sitting down bedside her.
Rose turned towards him and grinned broadly. "I'm the bride. I don't follow standards; I make 'em."
Laughing, he put his arm around her back, pulling her close to him. Immediately, Rose nuzzled into him, comforted by the warmth of his body and the safety of his embrace.
"So…wanna explain how you got the grass stains on your jeans?"
Rose looked down at the front of her jeans, and on not seeing any there, she immediately realized where he must've seen them. She pulled back enough to see his face, her eyes wide and playful.
"Were you lookin' at my bum?"
"Oh, yes." John grinned brilliantly at her, refusing to be embarrassed at being found out. "It's a rather fascinating subject, one that demands frequent study."
"You're so full of it," Rose blushed, and grinning, playfully pushed his head away. He grabbed her hand before it fully retracted and brought it to his lips, gently kissing her knuckles.
"Where were you?" he inquired quietly, his eyes never leaving hers.
Her grin morphed into a soft smile as she prepared to answer him. Burying herself into his side, she said, "I went to the cemetery."
John tightened his arm around her, and he placed a kiss to her head. "You all right?"
Rose nodded, her head still resting against his chest.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked gently, not wanting to aggressively pursue such an emotional subject.
He felt her shake her head 'no' before she said, "I've said everythin' that needs to be said."
There was something about her tone of voice that calmed the escalating worry in John. After all their time together, both were keenly aware of each other and greatly adept at reading the other's moods and emotions. There was nothing is Rose's demeanor to suggest that she was holding anything back from him. John had enough experience with her to know if that was the case. Pulling her even closer, John placed a soft kiss to her crown, accepting her answer without further question. They simply sat there, embracing each other amidst the quietness of the night.
"So…how long do y'think we can stay out here before they all come lookin' for us?" Rose asked, speaking into his chest.
"Eh, it's a tossup. Wedding's tomorrow and the insanity is at an all-time high. Donna's bad enough on her own, but with Martha… it's like those new mum hormones have turned her into some kind of hulk."
Snorting, Rose looked up at him and grinned teasingly. "Look at you, scared of a couple of girls."
"Oi!" he huffed. "I'm not scared. I just don't think it prudent to mix and stir that particular concoction."
"Riiiight," she replied, raising a disbelieving eyebrow at him.
"Excuse me, which one of us was hiding outside?" The words hard barley left his lips before he regretted them, worried that he'd inadvertently hurt her.
She faintly pursed her lips, but otherwise, her features remained unchanged. "I didn't come out here to hide, ta very much. I was thinkin'."
"I know, love, I'm s—"
"No," Rose shook her head, "Not about that."
John furrowed his brow, confused as to what she needed to think about. A completely insane, irrational idea tried to worm its way forward.
"You're not…," he gulped, "Weeell, thinking about ca—"
Rose grabbed his chin with her hand and forced him to look her squarely in the eye. "If that sentence ends the way I think it's gonna end, I will personally turn you over to the dark duo of doom in there. Hear me?"
He shivered at the thought and cleared his throat. "Quiet right, too… so what were you out here thinking about?"
He looked down at her intently. Nervously, Rose broke her gaze and turned her head down, allowing her hair to fall around her face and muffle her words.
"What?" John asked, tucking a large strand of her blonde hair behind her ear and bringing her face into view.
"Our vows," she answered quietly yet audibly, still not meeting his eyes.
He smiled at the thought of them. "That's a good thing, yeah?"
She nodded her agreement. He lifted her face to meet his and saw the hesitancy and worry in her features
"Then what's with the face?" he asked, frowning in confusion.
Taking a deep breath, Rose said, "I don't want to say 'em…not in front of everybody."
John did his level best to push away the hurt that was beginning to force its way to the surface, deciding instead to give her the opportunity to elaborate. Taking a steadying breath of his own, he opened his mouth to speak, but Rose beat him to it.
"It's not what you think," she said, anticipating his question. "I-I…," Rose trailed off, unsure the best way to put her meaning into words. Running a nervous hand through her hair, she continued, "They're a promise…our promise. Just for us, nobody else. I don't mind letting everybody hear the usual vows, but… what I wanna say… it's not for them. Those words… they belong to you, only you… they're yours and I don't want anybody else to have 'em."
John looked at her completely awestruck. This was not the reply he'd imagined. In truth, he didn't really know what to expect when she told him of her feelings. But hearing her answer…he didn't think there was any way to love her more than he already did, yet he found himself falling even more. His continued silence began to unnerve her, and worry began to fill her eyes.
"I know it sounds stupid, I j—"
Before she could finish her sentence, John moved forward and silenced her with a kiss. A passionate, yet reverent kiss; one that made Rose's knees weak even though she was still sitting. When they finally parted, both were breathless. Eyes closed, they rested their foreheads together.
"So tell me now," he said softly.
At his suggestion, Rose opened her eyes and instantly saw his were dark and intense, full of unswerving devotion and love.
"Y'know what? I just realized we never properly finished our first dance."
Rose's response was unexpected, and it took John a moment to determine to what she was referring. "You mean from the gala?"
She mutely nodded and stood, tugging on his hand in a silent request for him to join her. He did so, putting a hand on the small of her back just as he had then. They began to gently move back and forth, not so much dancing as they were reliving a memory. A moment or two into their dance, Rose began to softly hum the melody of Feeling Good. She put her arms around his neck, affectionately playing with the hair at the nape of his neck.
After another brief moment of silence, Rose spoke. "Y'know…before I met you, I…I was tough. Felt I had to be. But with you, I'm no longer tough—I'm strong. I know that because when I'm with you, I'm not afraid. I don't feel the need to protect myself…because I know that you're there with me…that no matter what, you'll never let anythin' happen to me. I've never felt safer than when I'm with you. I-I…I don't feel the need to run, and never want to again…not unless you're with me. Because I don't want to be anywhere else but with you. Forever. "
John stared at her, incapable of speaking as she finished. Instead of worrying, Rose smiled at him. "Sound okay?"
He stared at her a moment longer before he finally found his voice. "For someone whose living depends on words, I always seem to be at a loss for them when I'm with you. Because nothing I could say would ever be enough, never do you justice. I didn't realize till I met you that I was running, too. I always had to be doing something, had to keep my mind occupied. Because if I ever stopped, I'd realize that something was missing. But with you…I don't feel… alone… anymore. You're what I want, what I need. Without you, every minute, every breath is wasted. And I never want spend another one without you. When it comes to you, forever can never be long enough."
Neither of them realized they had stopped moving. They were too caught up in the words they'd just exchanged. Words that were for them and them alone, because that's how it should be. The moonlight shone on their motionless figures, it's rays illuminating the exchange between them. It was unclear which of them moved first, but the end destination was the same. Lips were captured in kiss of mutual intensity and longing, one that both would swear outdid all previous displays of affection. The kiss slowly began to wind down, turning softer with every few passing seconds.
"It's officially the night before the wedding. That means it's time to break it up. Can't mess with tradition," Donna's voice broke the moment, though much softer than before as she sensed the importance of the moment she had unknowingly ended.
"I swear I'm going to murder her," John mumbled against her lips as he planted another soft kiss.
Rose giggled and buried her forehead into his chest. Knowing Donna wasn't going to relent on the tradition, Rose gave him one more long but gentle kiss before pulling back.
She smiled brilliantly at him. "See ya tomorrow."
"This bloody sucks!" Tony grumbled before throwing his suit clad body on the sofa, furiously tugging at his neckline.
"Oi! Stop sayin' that," Mickey said, thumping him on the head.
Tony crossed his arms. "Why? Everybody else has been sayin' it."
"It's not the same when grownups say it," Jack offered.
"Why not?" Tony retorted irritably.
"Because it sounds bloody rude comin' out of an eight year-old," Mickey reprimanded.
Tony huffed and began swinging his legs, hitting his heels against the sofa, and muttering under his breath about the "stupid suit" he had to wear. John suddenly came into the room and started pacing nervously, repeatedly switching between running a hand through his wild hair and tugging on his ear. After several minutes of his silent, furious pacing, Jack spoke up.
"Oh for God's sake, John, would you relax? You're gonna wear a hole in the carpet. It's s'posed to be a happy day."
John stopped suddenly and looked up worriedly. "I'm happy. Of course I'm happy. Why wouldn't I be happy? Don't I look happy? Seriously, do I look happy?" he asked frantically, his panic and nerves clearly escalating.
"Do we need to sedate you?" Mickey asked, only half-joking.
John shook his head as he began pacing once again.
"What's wrong with John?" Tony asked curiously.
"He's just freaking out a lil," Jack informed him matter-of-factly.
"Oh."
"I'm not freaking out," John retorted, continuing to pace.
Both Mickey and Jack rolled their eyes. Mickey, having had Ben resting against his shoulder the entire time, went to put him in the carrier. Jack eagerly offered to take him, mumbling something that sounded like "practice." Mickey handed the baby over and searched through one of the bags on the floor. Finding what he'd been looking for, he pulled it out and went over to John.
"Drink some of this before you drive us all barmy," he instructed as he handed him a flask.
John took it and opened it quickly. He put it to his lips, but hesitated before drinking. "What is it?"
"It's strong and it'll do the job. Now drink."
Without further encouragement, John took a sharp swig. He coughed a little as the liquor traveled down his throat. Mickey hadn't been lying about it being strong.
"Better?"
John held up a finger in a waiting gesture as he took another swig. "Getting there."
Mickey chuckled and slapped him on the back.
"Oh crap," Jack groaned.
All sets of eyes turned to him.
"What? What is it? What's wrong?" John rapidly fired.
Jack slowly turned around, revealing a streak of white down his back. "The lil dude just puked on me."
Laughter filled the room at Jack's predicament.
"Thanks, guys. That's very helpful."
"Sorry, mate," Mickey apologized, continuing to chuckle. "Here," he said, reaching for his son, "Go clean up. We only got about ten minutes."
Jack handed Ben over to Mickey before turning to leave. As he left the room, he mumbled under his breath.
"Donna's gonna kill me."
"I'm. Going. To. Kill. You!" Donna growled at her husband, practically ripping the suit jacket off of him.
"It's not my fault. Are you seriously blaming me for this?" Jack asked incredulously.
"What's wrong?" Rose asked, suddenly making an appearance, and holding a flask almost identical to John's.
Jack couldn't help but stare at her with watery eyes. This woman, who he'd only known such a short time, had come to be as dear to him as his own sister had been, and he couldn't help but look at her with pride and affection.
"Rosie… you look gorgeous."
"Thanks, Jack," she said smilingly and promptly hugged him.
"Alright, here," Donna said as she handed him his jacket. Miraculously, the putrid smell was gone and he hurriedly slipped it back on. "I love you, but if anything else happens, I will murder you in your sleep."
"Understood," he grinned, kissing her quickly before rejoining the men.
"Ready?" Martha asked, handing Rose her bouquet.
She nodded and smiled brightly. "You bet."
John stood at the front with Jack, Mickey, and Tony at his side. Wilf and Harriet were in the front row, taking care of little Ben, and smiling with pride and love at their nephew and the life he was starting. The procession started. John was vaguely aware of Donna and Martha coming down the aisle, but couldn't really pay either of them any attention. The music changed and Rose appeared. Everything else faded into the background as he saw her. She was utterly breathtaking. Soft golden curls cascaded down her back and shoulders, only slightly pinned back on each side. Her dress was simple but stunning, highlighting her curves exquisitely. Their eyes met and they smiled brilliantly at each other, completely fixated on each other. Before either one realized it, they were in front of each other.
The officiant began, but the words were merely a formality. They had already exchanged the most important, meaningful words the night before. They were so enamored with each other, it was a wonder they heard the officiant instruct them to exchange rings and their "I Do's." With that done, the man pronounced them man and wife, signaling the time for them to have their first kiss as such.
Grinning brilliantly, they moved in to kiss. At that exact instant, the sprinklers engaged and began to spray the guests with fine mist of water, causing them all to scramble out of range. John and Rose watched as their family went into crisis management mode while Tony began gleefully playing in the waterworks.
John and Rose burst into laughter at the spectacle.
"I just know this is somehow gonna be pinned on me," he said as his laughter died down.
Rose's laughter intensified at the knowledge that he was more than likely right. Finally turning to each other, their eyes became serious and intense.
"So…you gonna kiss the bride?"
"Nope."
"Oh no?" Rose asked curiously, raising an eyebrow at his response.
"I'm going to kiss my wife."
They mirrored each other with blinding smiles as their lips finally came together in passionate and promising kiss.
John and Rose—husband and wife. Just as it should be.
AN: Well...this is the last written story I have for these guys. I had one or two more in mind, but I'm not sure. I don't want to wear out their storyline! Thanks so much for the interest. I want you all to know that I have read every review and I appreciate it so much. I wish I could individually reply to every one. It's one thing I like so much about Teaspoon-I can let everyone know how much their words mean to me! Thanks for everything again! ∞ Ashleigh