Chapter 2: Growth

With a heavy sigh, Lenalee shut Allen's door softly hearing it latch behind her. Closing her eyes, she let her head rest back against the door. She could hear voices of the two men conversing inside, but she couldn't make out any words. Link was speaking softly, and Allen's responses, from what Lenalee could make out, were quiet, short, and terse.

Even though her lids were closed, she could still imagine the way Allen had looked at her when she left, as if he had something very important to say. She was wondering if she should have held her ground, braved a chance meeting with Leverrier, and told Link to come back later, if she should have stayed by Allen's side. In some ways she felt like she failed him at that moment, as if she had betrayed him.

After lingering for just a moment longer, she walked away deciding that maybe it was time for her to return to her room to relax and rest her mind. Still, all she could think about was Allen looking at her as if he were at the brink of saying something important. "It's just that… what?" she asked aloud, her mind trying to wrap itself around the enigma.

"It's just that… you're obviously thinking too hard," someone from next to her commented.

Startled, she whirled around to find Lavi supporting himself with a pair of crutches. He had a smile on his face, despite the fact that his left leg was encased in a thick cast that looked as hot, heavy, itchy, and uncomfortable as it probably was. "Lavi, you're on your feet!" she cheered. "That's great news."

"Kind of," he said laughingly. "Gramps is giving me a hard time because I'm going to be out of commission longer than he is."

"I'm just so glad that everyone seems to be getting so much better." She really meant that. It pained her that, with the exception of Kanda, she was the one released from the medical ward first. It made her feel as if she hadn't done enough, as if she could have done more to lessen the suffering of her comrades by accepting the wounds that they had taken instead.

"But you were really deep in thought back there, weren't ya? Lavi commented. "I saw you leave Allen's room. I headed over there to check on him myself but saw Link go in and you come out and decided to let the two of them chat, so I followed you instead."

Lenalee flushed, embarrassed that she had been caught trying to eavesdrop on Link's and Allen's conversation. "Why didn't you say anything earlier?"

Lavi shrugged - an action that caused him to lose balance on his crutches - and then struggled to perch himself on top of them again. "Like I said, you were deep in thought. So what happened in there? How is Allen doing? I imagine that it's odd for the Inspector to visit Allen now that the war is over…"

Lenalee was unsure how to answer Lavi's unfiltered string-of-consciousness, so she chose to address the easiest question. "Better," she said. "Allen's doing ... better. And you? When will the cast come off?"

"Six to eight weeks," Lavi answered her softly. The light in his visible eye dimmed as he bit his bottom lip thoughtfully.

Lenalee looked at him for a moment, quizzically, wondering why the normally cheerful boy looked a little troubled. Then it dawned on her - he had no more business at Black Order headquarters once he was fully healed and rehabilitated. "You're leaving after that," the statement was flat.

"Probably. Once we get a new assignment." Taking a look at Lenalee's downcast face, he quickly added, "But I'll be here for a while. I'm still really hurt. Really!" He attempted to lift his broken leg to demonstrate his assertion and promptly lost his precarious balance on the crutches, sending him tumbling to the floor.

Knowing the spectacle was for her benefit, Lenalee allowed herself to laugh at her friend's clumsy display. "Oh, Lavi," she said, unable to help from keeping the grin off her face. Bending down, she helped him up to his feet.

"That's the Lenalee I know," Lavi said, his usual grin in place.

"It makes me feel a little strange to think of people leaving without any timeline of coming back," she confided, as she continued on her return to her room.

"There will still be Akuma, and we'll all pitch in to finish them off," Lavi assured her. "We Exorcists will always think of headquarters as a home. I bet everyone will stop in more often than you're giving them credit for."

An almost awkward silence settled in as Lenalee took her time to consider Lavi's words before finally responding with, "Thank you, Lavi," upon arriving at the door to her room. Her fingers absently reached for the knob.

"No problem. Lenalee, you take care," Lavi said, bidding her a farewell.

She watched as Lavi continued down the hall before realizing that he shouldn't have been the one walking her to her room. As injured as he was still, she should have offered to accompany him to his room. "Lavi," she called out, trying to rectify the situation. "Do you want me to walk you to your room?"

"Nah, I'll be okay. It's just down the hall and around the corner. I'm not so useless that I can't get there by myself," he returned good-naturedly, looking back with a smile and a wink.

"No, Lavi. I really think I should help," she said, starting to move towards him again.

He shook his head, the look in his eye firm. "I'm doing alright. Plus, Gramps is waiting in the room to talk to me. It'd just be easier for me to go by myself."

With that, Lenalee relented and went back to her room. Upon entry she flicked on the lights and shut the door behind her. She walked to the vanity table along the far wall, near the window, and studied her reflection. "Don't let war get the best of you," she told the reflection sternly. She often repeated the words that Anita had told on their trip to Edo. It served as a reminder to be strong, strong like Anita had been.

Her vision blurred slightly as she analyzed her own appearance. When had she grown up so much? She could still recall meeting Allen as if it were yesterday. How had three years passed so quickly?

She was not the frightened girl that she had been when she was brought to headquarters for the first time. Yet, she was not the cheerful girl that she had been three years ago. Reflexively, she ran a hand through the length of her hair, which, although not as long as it had been before her first battle with a level three Akuma, hung comfortably past her shoulders. Long gone were the days when she had found it appropriate to wear her hair in childish pigtails, and she felt as if she had lost something precious with that. It was just an indication of how much time had passed and how much each of them had really changed.

Lenalee found herself sitting down in front of her vanity wondering what the future held for her. She found it strange to be pondering how to go about her life, now that she was no longer required to be soldier. It was the only life she had known; however, she wasn't so ignorant as to be unaware of her surrounding world. She read whenever she got a chance and was grateful that Komui had taught her English when she was younger, prior to her abduction by the Order and that the Order had allowed her to continue on the educational path that she had wanted. Books, newspapers, and keen observation kept her updated on general social trends that Exorcists, who weren't able to live in normal society, seemed to be set apart from. She knew that many women her age were already married. Here she was at age nineteen, never having fallen in love, let alone even having considered romance.

Frowning, she noted that her occupation as an Exorcist hadn't exactly allowed her much time for thoughts other than missions, battles, and war. She knew she had already seen more death and tragedy than she would ever wish on anybody. That was her dilemma: not having the same background as women her age. Now that there was not a need for Exorcists in the same capacity that had been necessary in the past, she wondered what other occupations would suit her and still allow her to return to spend as much time at the headquarters as she wanted to.

It seemed as if many females of similar age and similar education background found jobs as governesses. It would be nice to have that sort of occupation - watching over the future rather than rectifying sins of the past. But, Lenalee wondered how many of the wealthy would trust their children in the hands of a Chinese woman (even one recommended highly from the Vatican) especially with the stories of the Boxer Rebellion still fresh in their minds.

Lenalee wondered if her past would prevent her from living the normal life that she had always longed for deep down inside, like the ones she had often dreamt about when she had first entered the Order. That sort of "normal" life could be just at her fingertips… And suddenly, she felt horrible and selfish for having such thoughts, since the Support staff didn't have the luxury of considering a life outside of the Order. Inevitably, her thoughts returned back to those she was closest to at the Order. She loved everyone there …

And that thought brought her back to the word "love." She really did love all of her comrades. However, she was aware that different kinds of love existed; she was just as aware that she had always pushed back thoughts of a specific type of love - romantic love. She had ignored the concept of romance for many years, partially out of respect to her love and dedication to her brother, whose presence at the Order saved her mind and heart, and partially because the life of an Exorcist didn't allow for such frivolous thoughts.

Things were different now, and Lenalee had gotten plenty of time to contemplate the frivolous between visiting her friends in the medical ward. If she was being completely honest with herself, there had been a time when she thought that she had felt a glimmer of that sort of affection towards Allen. It had been when she believed him to be dead, what with all of that damning evidence that Tyki had killed him. Her heart had ached in a different sort of way than it had for her other deceased comrades. She couldn't even explain how it was different, but it felt different to her. The overwhelming feeling of loss and numbness of denial had never taken over her in such a manner before, and she had witnessed enough death to know that it differed from her "usual" reaction. However, the war raged on, Allen entered the Order again after the resurrection of his arm, and she hadn't had time to ponder the depth of her feelings.

And then there was her battle with the level 3 Akuma on the way to Edo... At that time, when she had thought she was fighting a losing battle, she was surprised that the focus of her thoughts was as much of Allen as they were of her brother. Having an out of body experience was strange, but not as strange as feeling spiritually connected to a person who wasn't her brother. All she had wanted to do at that time was to talk to Allen again, to know he was alive ... and to feel the warmth of his embrace. It was the first time she had been able to contact him through a dream state, but it wasn't only time. At points, she almost felt synchronized with him in a similar way to her own Innocence. During the war, she had accepted that they were connected without giving it much of a second thought, as her life as an Exorcist with its endless missions didn't allow her much time to try to figure out a phenomena that she had written off as unexplainable. And so, again, she was forced to put her emotions on the backburner.

But now that the war was over she couldn't keep her naturally inquisitive mind from trying to make sense of the unexplainable. She couldn't help but wonder if it was due solely to the Heart or whether their connection was due to an entirely different force. Lenalee had always known that she regarded Allen a bit differently than her fellow Exorcists. Something about the sadness that resided deep in his eyes compelled her to want to help him. She wanted to be the one to heal his emotional wounds, wanted to be the one that he confided in, and wanted to be the one that he'd look at with that genuine smile that he awarded so rarely. As she imagined that look on his face, her heart raced and her blood warmed her cheeks.

She focused on her reflection the mirror again and was met with her the image of her own flushed cheeks and confused eyes. Suddenly, she was struck with the thought that her expression was somehow similar to the one Allen shot her as she was leaving his room earlier today. He had looked just as lost as she was looking now. Perhaps it was time to pay Allen another visit. Maybe the interaction would help her sort out her own jumbled feelings, instead of leaving her guessing as to the true nature of her emotions. She didn't know what she'd do if she confirmed the fact that she had romantic feelings, but at least she would know. As a soldier, she had learned that knowing facts was always better than guessing scenarios. She couldn't imagine it being any different in real life matters. Soon, she had left her room intent on seeing Allen for the second time of the day.

TBC
Erm, updates probably won't normally happen at a frequency of more than once a week ... It's just that I had a couple of chapters done to flesh out how I thought this fic might go. That is all. XD;;