Chapter 4: Conversations

As Lenalee headed to the other side of Headquarters, where the Science Department was located, she wondered what her brother wanted.

Dread overwhelmed her, as she wondered if Komui was monitoring Allen's room in the infirmary. 'What should I say if he is?' she wondered. The truth might not be the best thing for Komui. Or maybe, she ought to allay his fears by making sure that they would never become the truth. Nothing happened moments ago between her and Allen, and she could arrange it so that nothing ever did.

"Komui nii-san," she said cautiously, pushing the door open.

She was met with the sounds and the sight of her brother sobbing. "My little Lenaleeeeeeeee!" he exclaimed getting up and wrapping her in an embrace. He sniffled, wiping his nose on her shoulder. "Hooow cooooullllld you!" Hugging her brother back, she looked around, her eyes meeting Reever's. He held up a bandaged hand and mouthed the word "sorry."

"What is it?" she asked, even though she had a sinking feeling in her stomach.

"I saw it!" Komui cried, pointing at the offending piece of equipment.

"Video feed! From Allen's room. Is he still under surveillance? Is that why Inspector Link and Leverrier are still here?" Her blood boiled at the thought of the Inspectors being still suspicious of Allen.

"The superiors thought it would be a good idea to keep an eye on the General … to check if there were any signs of the 14th reappearing."

"Allen's fine!" Lenalee said stubbornly. "He successfully exorcised the 14th and isn't going to become a Noah. He has already been declared a General! There's no way the Superiors would have done that if they had any doubts where Allen's loyalties are! You must know that he's fine!"

"That doesn't explain how I saw him getting friendly with you!" With that, Komui let out another wail. "My little Lenalee! You're not leaving me, are you?"

"Don't be ridiculous, nii-san. If there was anything that concerned you, I'd tell you." She felt bad telling him a half-truth, but technically it was still true. It didn't concern him. It concerned her and her decisions.

But her brother wasn't listening. "I can build a machine, bigger, tougher, and meaner than any before, if General Walker thinks that he can be so casual with Lenalee," he muttered a familiar creative spark in his eye. "I'll show him to use his powers as a General to get his way with my sweet, innocent Lenalee."

"Nii-san, please," Lenalee said, putting her hands on his shoulders to steady him. "Don't force me to destroy any more of those."

"But ... it seemed as if ... he and you." Suddenly Komui was clinging to Lenalee again as if his life depended on it.

"Nii-san, I love you, and I won't leave you." She knew this was true and that she would always need to be able to be in contact with her brother.

"But," Reever cut in. "It doesn't mean that Lenalee can't be at that age. It's only natural."

Lenalee almost forgot Reever was even there, but she was grateful for the interruption.

"W-why would you saaaaaay something like that?" Komui asked, turning his attention on the section leader. "That's so mean!"

And that was when Reever saved her. Grabbing her arm, he dragged her outside of the room and shut the door behind them, keeping his weight against the door and trapping Komui inside. However Lenalee could still hear her brother yelling from the inside and pushing against the door demanding to be let out.

"Thank you, Reever-san," Lenalee said with a little bow of her head.

"Little Lenalee. It's nice to see you all grown up." His voice sounded wistful.

The tone in his voice made him sound older than he was, and for the first time, he seemed more like a parental figure than a peer to Lenalee.

"And it's fine that you are at that age. You're close to your fellow Exorcists, and it's only natural that you want to live your life. But you've either got to be more honest with Komui, or you have to come up with better lies. As it stands now, General Walker is in a lot of danger. By tomorrow, something will be after him." Reever sighed, sounding harassed.

"Yes, thank you, Reever-san. I understand what you're saying, and I'll keep it in mind. I should let you get back to your work. Tell nii-san 'goodnight' for me." With that she bowed again and ran off in the opposite direction, heading back to her room.

Once back in the comfort of her room, she immediately headed towards the shower attached to her room. The routine of cleansing had always helped calm her nerves, and she was sure that today would prove to be no exception.

Twisting the faucets, she adjusted the temperature and then undressed, tossing her clothes to the floor. Once inside the spray of the shower, she felt the heat relax her muscles and help ease the tension that she felt.

It was at times like this that she wished she had a mother figure, a big sister figure, or even just a female friend. Although Lenalee had spent most of her life in the Black Order, she hadn't really bonded with any of the other female exorcists in her earlier years. As a General, Cloud was often away on extended missions, and Tina Spark and Gwen Frere, while alive, were more agemates with each other than with her. Neither of them was particularly looking to take care of an emotionally broken child (not that she could fault them for that).

Consequently, in her youth, Lenalee had tended to prefer the company of Kanda, and then of Lavi as well, after the latter of the two had joined the Order. Although she appreciated being around those closer to her age, they were male, and she could tell they didn't understand emotions in the way that she felt them.

Now that she thought about it, she supposed she could talk to Miranda, now. But somehow, Lenalee always felt like the care taker of the pair instead of the other way around, despite the fact that the other woman was older than she was. That wasn't what she needed now, though.

Even though Kanda was no longer at Headquarters at this time, she imagined what would happen if she told her friend that she wanted to discuss her possibly being in love with Allen. She had a feeling that the conversation would end with him chasing her out of his room with Mugen activated. She giggled at the comical thought.

And then she considered Lavi. He seemed more emotionally in tune than Kanda, and he had always been nice to her. Part of her attributed his kindness to the manner in which they "met," or rather became aware of one another, for the first time.* She had been fourteen at the time and had been one of the only survivors of an Akuma ambush. Upon returning to Headquarters after the failed mission, she had noticed two new Exorcists upstairs with her brother. One, like her, had been a child at that time, with an eye patch and slightly bored expression on his face. That look had been quickly replaced by shock, as he took view of all of the coffins below. She would never forget the look on his face as their eyes met for the first time, his gaze focused on her bruised body and tear-stained face. Perhaps that initial pity left an impression on him.

She tried ridding herself of the bad memories, as she rinsed the shampoo out of her hair and begun scrubbing her skin with a rough bar of soap. She always scrubbed hard. It was a ritual, as if she could actually rub off the feeling of death she felt surrounded her at all times.

Soon, she was clean and ready for bed, but she was still full of nervous energy. Her mind was agitated and her heart at unease. She knew very well that when she fell asleep tonight that she'd dream, and she'd dream of Allen. Both of them had so many things that had been left unsaid from earlier that evening, but her run in at the Science Department brought to light many issues that she didn't want to think about.

What was it she really wanted? What was fair for her to take? How would her actions affect her life, Allen's life, and her brother's life? She didn't know, but she needed to figure it out before she surrendered herself to her dreams. After half an hour passed, she felt even more restless and not any less confused, and so she left her room to find someone to talk to.

At this time, most of the people stationed at Headquarters, save the Science Department, were settling in for sleep, so the halls, although still well lit, were quiet and deserted. She found solace in the calm and took her time wandering the halls. Eventually, she found herself in front of the room that Lavi and Bookman shared. It didn't surprise her that she settled on Lavi subconsciously, as the young man was good at talking and putting others at ease.

Once outside of the door, she paused momentarily, wondering if it was rude to be bothering them at such an hour. But still, she had already come this far, and she felt as if she needed to talk to someone who knew her well and who could help her sort out her emotions. Softly, her knuckles connected with the heavy, wooden door.

The door yawned open in front of her, and Lenalee found herself peering down at Bookman. "Miss Lena," the older man said. "What can I do for you tonight?"

"Umm," she started, caught off-guard, as she was expecting Lavi to answer the door. "I was just wondering if I could talk to Lavi for a moment." Her eyes surveyed the room and saw a blanket-covered lump stir on one of the beds. He was already in bed. She immediately felt guilt overwhelm her. "I'm sorry," she gasped putting a hand to her mouth. "Nevermind. He's still physically worn. I should let him get his sleep."

"Issskay," mumbled a groggy voice that came from the lump on the bed she assumed was Lavi. "I'm awake. I'm coming." The pile of blankets moved to reveal a sleepy faced Lavi, who smoothed a hand through rumpled, red hair that hung sloppily in his face. Yawning, his left hand reached clumsily for the pair of crutches that sat near the foot of his bed.

As he worked his way gingerly towards her, Lenalee knew that she would have to find a way to properly apologize for bothering him late at night.

Lavi was a good sport about being dragged out of bed and had that familiar smile of his plastered on his face. But every time Lenalee heard the sound of his crutches scraping against the floor, she felt another stab of guilt. "Why don't we go to a conference room or something?" she suggested, trying to find a place where they could be alone relatively quickly. They made their way to the closest one and she helped Lavi settle down in a chair.

"I'll go get some hot chocolate or make some coffee," she offered, getting up from the table. "It'll just take a minute." She turned to leave, when she was stopped by a strong hand closing around her wrist.

"You don't hafta do that, Lenalee," Lavi said, his voice patient and soothing. "Just tell me what it is. What do you need to talk about?" he asked. "It must be very important if you're coming to me at this time."

She sat down next to him, folding her hands quietly in her lap. Strangely enough, now that she had the company that she sought, she suddenly felt shy and was unsure about how to start the conversation. After a long pause, she finally said, "I've had a lot of time to think, lately. You know, about the Order and of life outside of the Order, what with the Pope's new decree after the defeat of the Millennium Earl."

"Uh-huh," he said, nodding. He had a thoughtful, open-minded look on his face. "Go on."

"Whenever I think about it and about the options I have, I feel guilty and selfish," she finished vaguely. Suddenly, she felt timid, and explaining her emotions seemed silly. She tried to verbalize what she was as feeling, but no matter how she pieced the sentences together in her head, she couldn't quite find the right wording to grasp at what was really bothering her … at what was making her feel so lost and confused.

"Uhh, Lenalee, I think I need to know more than that," Lavi said gently, a wry smile on his face.

"It's just that without the war, I'm not sure what else to focus my energy on. Before, I never had time to think about anything else but the war and making it home safely with all of those that I care about. And now, I keep thinking about growing up ... and about normal people our age and what they're doing."

"Ehh?" Lavi said, seeming to perk at the information. "This wouldn't have anything to do with our newest General, would it?"

Lenalee's blood rushed to her cheeks, dying them a pinkish hue for the third time of the day. Trust Lavi, with that acute perception of his, to have already figured it out. Maybe a part of her subconscious was banking on the fact that he would have figured it out before she went to see him, and she was relieved that she didn't have to spell things out. However, that didn't mean that she wasn't feeling embarrassed and completely transparent. She stared at her fingers, which were twisting nervously in her lap.

"It's a perfectly normal emotion, what you're feeling," Lavi reassured nonchalantly, as if he was a psychiatrist advising a patient. "You've been close to Allen for years. You've watched him transform from a beansprout to the General he is now. It's very impressive growth in such a short time."

"You make it sound so simple, Lavi," Lenalee said finally getting the courage to look at her friend.

"It sort of is," he teased. "You really can't help whatcha feel. And, love has always had an impact on history."

"I guess you would know," she relented. Curiosity getting the better of her, she asked "How about you? Has it ever impacted you?" Deep inside, she was hoping for was an affirmative answer. She wanted to feel as if she wasn't the only one who had gone through this sort of emotion struggle.

She watched as his visible eye widened slightly, before he smiled and winked at her. "Of course. I fall in love easily," he said flippantly with a wave of a hand.

"I mean, really in love. Like in a way where all you can think about is comforting this person, helping this person, embracing this person--" she cut off mid sentence. "I'm sorry. That's too personal of a thing to ask. I just ... want to know I'm not alone in having feelings like this. And I really don't have anyone to talk to about it ..."

"It's alright. But, yeah, I think I have." He was smiling, but he looked serious.

Lenalee was instantly interested but felt it best not to push. Something in Lavi's face seemed oddly closed off, and she was certain that she wouldn't receive an honest answer. Lavi was continuing with the conversation anyway. "So?" he asked casually. "Are you gonna tell him?"

"I ... think he kind of knows already."

"Oh, then what did you need to talk about then?"

"Me, I guess," she said with a nervous laugh. "I can't help but have these feelings, but every time I think of Allen in a romantic fashion, I feel like I'm abandoning my brother."

"Oh," Lavi said with a thoughtful look on his face. "It's true that Komui's a bit overprotective of you. He's conditioned himself to do that. However, more than anything else, he loves you unconditionally and just wants to see you happy. You know, there are a lot of people here who would love to see you happy."

"I owe it to always be there for him." That didn't quite sound right, and she tried to clarify. "It's not that I feel like I'm obligated to stay with him. I want to, too."

"Just because you want to live your own life doesn't mean that you can't be there for him. With time, Komui will see that, too."

"Do you really believe that?"

Lavi let out a sigh. "You know, it's fine if you want to be selfish from time to time. Your life is your own. Do what you want to; experience what you want to. That's what life's about."

"B-but," Lenalee started, trying to articulate her thoughts.

"If you're tempted by freedom, grasp it," Lavi told her, oddly serious. "Don't be the type of sheltered person who can't go after what you want. That's not the kind of person you are. Nobody will fault you for wanting to live your life. We've all made choices that brought us to where we are. It was Komui's choice to come here for you. It doesn't mean, however, that he expects you to stay here for him forever."

Lenalee felt skeptical. "Are you sure?"

Lavi laughed in response. "Not really. But you'll never know until you try." His face sobered, and he looked her in the eye. "Take if from someone who knows what it's like to trade freedom for something else. Live the life you want to."

Lenalee blinked at Lavi in shock. It was a strangely serious thing for him to say and seemed a little at odds with his normally cheerful self. "Lavi?" she asked questioningly.

"Bookmen are what they are, ya know" he commented, putting that smile back on his face. "I know that now as well as I did going in."

It was the most honest Lenalee had seen Lavi, and she fell quiet as she considered his wisdom. "Thank you, Lavi ... for putting things in perspective. I think I'm okay now." She let out a little laugh. "It seems like all I do is thank you lately."

He shrugged. "Glad to be of help. Now if you could help me to my feet, I'd appreciate it."

She obliged, using her arms to pull him up and letting him steady himself by using her shoulders as an anchor. As they headed back to his room in silence, she thought about Lavi's words and marveled how they were really similar with respect to some points. He rarely talked about what he thought about becoming a Bookman. Since he had been at the Black Order for so long, she didn't really think of him as being as transitory as he once must have been. Soon, they reached his room, and she bowed her head to him. "Thank you for talking with me tonight. And I'm really sorry about waking you up and dragging you out of bed."

"Lenalee, if you ever need to talk again, please feel free to come to me, no matter what time it is. Oh, and good luck." With one last wink, he entered his room and shut the door behind him.

Lenalee stood for a moment, staring at the closed door. "Thank you," she whispered again, bowing deeply, hoping that he at least on some level was aware of how grateful she was for his company tonight. She scurried to her room recalling the phrase that eased her heart more than anything else. 'Nobody will fault you for wanting to live your life.' He had said it with such conviction; it had to be true. Surely, it was true. Now, she felt as if she were ready to face her dreams.

TBC

* A/N: This is just my personal interpretation of that scene in the Ark arc, when Lavi's battling Road. You know what I'm talking about right? It just seemed like it was his first time around the Black Order Headquarters before he really was introduced to anybody. I could be wrong (or right). Or I could have missed something. I'm only human. XD;

On a final note, Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! =) Hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I think I had a lot of fun writing it, even though I find it terribly difficult to write Komui. With that, I'm off!~