CH. 6
I stumbled out of the garage quickly. My stomach felt like it was doing backflips and my skull was caught in a vice. I didn't feel good. I sat outside, gulping the cold air, trying to relax myself. I don't understand why I can't, why I can't feel. This was a different feeling. At shows I always felt alive, I was the frontrunner when it came to enthusiasm and I just felt good. But this, this was like nothing else. This was the absolute absence of feeling. Even after a show, when I would feel bad or depressed because the show was over, this was on a whole new level. Your entire life is filled with feeling, but now there's absolutely nothing. No anger, sadness, joy, pain, beauty, or life. I feel nothing, I don't like it. And I don't get it. Why do I feel nothing all of a sudden? Maybe it's like addiction. When you're addicted to something you need stronger and stronger doses of whatever it is to feel good. That can't be right, this was Social Suicide's biggest show yet. Or maybe I had to big of a dose. I've ODed on this show and now I just need to come down from the high. Yet that also doesn't sit right with me. If I was too high, you bet your ass I would feel something. I can't deal with this right now. All I know is that I can't feel and I need to figure it out. My isolation was interrupted by the Boss and his hysterical laughter. "My boy, you done good!" he exclaimed, a smile plastered permanently on his face. "Yeah" I coughed, I could barely even speak. The Boss looked at me, the concern his gaze held was palpable. "Son, you don't look to good." my response was a bittersweet grunt. "Do you need anything?" he questioned, still concerned. The look he had on his face; the caring, the consoling, the pity. It made me feel even worse, first sick, then guilty, then finally angry. An unbridled rage that I had never felt before welled up within me and dripped from my pores. I shook, the furious torrent taking ahold of me, screaming into my ears words of hatred. "No, no, no, I don't need anything from you." the anger in my voice was clear "If anything, you need something from me, right?" his face showed confusion and fear. It was clear that he had never seen me act this way before. "You always needed me. Before I showed up this place was worth less than the pile of nails that held it up, and when I left it went back to being nothing. Without me you're all nothing; I made The Garage, I made Social Suicide, I made this city. So no I don't need anything, now leave me alone." he stood shocked, mouth agape, looking for some trace of a retort. He simply hung his head and walked away, whether out of anger or from the fact that he knew what I said was true I don't know, and I don't think I ever will know. I simply stumbled home feeling sick, feeling stupid. I fell through my apartment door and dragged my body to the bathroom where I proceeded to evacuate the contents of my stomach till there was nothing left, then I puked a little more. After dry heaving over the toilet for over an hour, I stood and stumbled my way back to the living room falling over the couch and booting up a stupid movie to take my mind off everything. Now, watching Godzilla tear apart Tokyo was fun, but my mind still wandered back to The Garage. Losing my feeling, yelling at the Boss, and finally her. It had to be her fault, everything was her fault; losing my feeling, being angry, setting up that stupid show, and I did it all for some stupid woman I barely knew. That bitch. How dare she try to ruin everything. I couldn't believe it, how did she do this to me, how could she do this to me. I wanted to believe what I just said as truth but I couldn't. It was my fault. But I still need to question her and then tell her to fuck off. I was doing just fine before she came along, and I think that I should be just fine without her. The main question surrounding her is why she took away my feeling and why she was so angry tonight. When I saw her, she definitely didn't look happy. I need to find out why. There are too many questions that need to be answered and I will get the answers no matter what.
I will be taking a short hiatus from this story to work on something with a fellow author called Crescent Waves, he's a super cool guy and a huge nerd so check out his story and I will see you all soon