Chapter 11: Decisions

It was night time before Allen managed to track Lenalee down. After she had fled the scene of their previous conversation, she had taken a few moments to collect herself emotionally, and then had spent as much time as possible with Komui. Although she was sure that her brother knew something had been wrong (as she had chosen not to spend any time with Allen), he either hadn't asked because he was sensitive to what she was feeling, or he hadn't cared, since she was spending her time with him. It was late evening before she found herself without the company of others.

Returning to her chambers, she prepared for bed. It was only now, when she was alone, that she allowed herself to recall her discussion with Allen earlier that day. Feelings of hurt and loss coursed through her being, and she wondered if there was another way to deal with the situation that she hadn't considered yet. And then she thought about giving in to Allen's wishes. It would be so easy... But the real question was whether or not she could really leave Headquarters and feel comfortable with that decision? She wasn't sure that she could.

A knock at the door broke into her thoughts. "Who is it?" she called, even though she was sure that Allen was on the other side of the door. Her intuition was spot on.

"It's me, Lenalee," Allen responded softly. "Won't you talk to me?"

She walked to the door and sat down next to it, pulling her legs close to her chest. "I'll talk to you," she said. "But I won't let you in. I just think it will be more difficult for both of us if we see each other." What she didn't add was that she was sure that it would be much more difficult for her not to agree to go away with him if they were having a face-to-face conversation.

"Alright," Allen answered. "I… just wanted to ask if you'd give coming with me a second thought?"

Lenalee sighed as she mentally prepared herself to answer. After pausing momentarily, she started, "You have no idea how much I wish I could say yes, but I just can't. You realize that you're asking me to leave the life I've built with no reassurances that I'll ever return for good. I just… don't know if I can acquiesce to it and feel like I've made the right decision. I do love you, and it makes it so much harder." She had to take a break to swallow the thickness developing in the back of her throat. "I-I really wish I could, but something's holding me back and keeping me from saying yes… something that's telling me that I might regret making such a rash decision."

There was a moment of silence as Allen digested her words. When he spoke again, he sounded resigned. "I'm so sorry. I've been unfair to you. I never wanted to put you in a position to make such difficult decisions. And above all, I never meant to hurt you." He let out a sigh. "But I have, and it's inexcusable."

At the honesty and contriteness in his words and in the tone of his voice, Lenalee felt her first tear fall, and she was certain that on the other side of the door he was crying, too. "I know. I know. We just have different needs." Bitter tears trailed down her face, as she cursed their different needs and the fact that their love for one another wasn't enough to overcome them.

"I'm so sorry," he said, his voice a choked whisper. "I pushed your emotional wellbeing aside for so long. But, I really do love and care about you. Lenalee, you have to believe me."

"I do," she said. And she really did know that he cared deeply for her. "I'm just … so tired all of the time. I can't spend the rest of my days wondering when you're coming home. I'm just not built for that." She had to pause several of times to get the words to come out, as her free flowing tears distorted her ability to think, speak, and even breathe.

"And you shouldn't have to," Allen told her, his voice thick with emotion. "I really have been asking too much from you. You should be with someone who can give you more of what you want, even if that person isn't me."

With a heavy heart, Lenalee leaned her head against the door and tried to stifle her sniffling. 'Is this it?' she asked herself. 'Are we broken up? Is this how a relationship ends?'

"I'm sorry," she heard from the other side of the door. "Please forgive me." Dull thuds accompanied the plea, and Lenalee knew that he was placing his hands against the door, as if reaching out to her.

"You don't need to ask for my forgiveness," Lenalee told him, wiping her hands across damp cheeks. "Because you didn't do anything wrong. It's nobody's fault that we have different needs. We just do."

"Then this is it, isn't it?" he asked.

Lenalee wished that his voice didn't sound so resigned and lifeless. "Yeah," she replied softly. "I think that it'd be better for both of us… if we were both simply… free."

He tried one last time. "I can't help but think that we're making a mistake…"

"What else do you want?" Lenalee asked, unable to control herself. To get through to him, she needed to be harsh, even though it pained her take such a strict tone with him. In order for them to make a clean break, she knew that brutal truth was necessary, and so she allowed her frustrations of the last two months to guide her. "A little more time? I have to disagree. I think it'd be better to end things now, like adults, before we get any more attached to each other. It'll hurt less this way."

He was silent, but she knew that her words broke his heart, in the same manner that it broke hers to have to say them. After a long pause, he finally gave in. "Alright. I understand." He hesitated before continuing. "But tonight, can I stay outside of your door to keep you company? I want to be near you for at least tonight. When tomorrow comes, it'll be over, but for tonight, please let me be there for you like I never was able to before."

With that statement, whatever fragile control she had over her emotions shattered. Her breath caught in her throat as tears pushed themselves from her eyes and sobs wracked her body. She had never felt so wretched in her entire life and couldn't help but curling onto the floor and simply crying. Although she never provided an answer to Allen's request, she knew that he was sitting on the other side of her door feeling just as miserable as she was...

The next thing Lenalee was aware of was pulling herself off of the floor in the morning. Her throat felt dry and raw, and as she blinked her eyes, she could tell that they were swollen. Putting a hand to her face, she felt the pattern of carpet imprinted on her cheek, a result of her sleeping on the floor. Then, she remembered why she was sleeping next to her door. Cautiously, she opened the door and took a look outside. Allen was still lying there, fast asleep. Taking a tentative step towards him, Lenalee couldn't help but crouch down next to him.

Allen always looked young and angelic when he slept, since it was when he was asleep that others could not see the wisdom of his hard life reflected in his eyes. Strands of fine, white hair lay across his cheek and forehead, and she couldn't help herself from reaching out to brush them out of his face. Before she touched him, she stopped herself. It was no longer her place to have such contact with him; it was no longer her right to trace her fingertips across his branded cheek. And so she remained motionless, frozen with indecision between doing what felt natural to her and doing what she knew she mustn't do.

Suddenly, Timcanpy was squeezing out from underneath one of Allen's arms, tugging at his master. Before she could pull away, Allen opened his eyes. "Lenalee," he said, his voice a sleepy murmur. "You're here." He smiled sweetly at her.

There was a purity in his expression that tugged at Lenalee's heart and made her want to tell him that last night was a mistake and that they really did belong together, but she knew she simply couldn't do it (precisely because of the reasons they discussed last night). Instead, she allowed herself to stay still for just a moment longer in order to gather her bearings so that she would be able to take the actions she knew she had to take. "I was just about to wake you up," she managed to get out, in an attempt to normalize the situation. "We wouldn't want anybody else to know you spent the night here."

The light and energy he normally exuded dimmed, as the expression on his face grew mournful. "Right," he whispered. "I guess I should get ready to leave on my trip."

That was all Lenalee needed to hear to strengthen her resolve. "Yes, you should." With that, she stood up and returned to her room, shutting the door behind her before collapsing on the floor in a miserable heap.

Allen Walker headed to Belgium later that day on a self-appointed, Grand General approved mission. Lenalee was there to send him off with a smile and a wave, just like everyone else who was still residing at Headquarters. Afterwards, she shut herself in her room and cried for most of the day. It was the first time she chose not to make an appearance at Lavi's appointment with the physical therapist, and she could tell that her friend was worried about her. She told him that she just needed time to adjust to the fact that Allen was going to be away for so long, because she didn't have the heart to tell him that they had decided that ending their relationship was for the best. It was the first time she had lied to him since he had become her confidant, and she felt badly about it.

Dusk had fallen before anybody came to check up on her. When a knock sounded at her door, Lenalee felt ready to deal with others, as she was positive that she had run out of tears to cry during the course of the day. She was sure that maintaining a calm demeanor would be able to convince others of her emotional stability as well. Upon opening the door, she saw Lavi on the other side and realized that she wasn't surprised. "Hi," she said. "Sorry I wasn't there for you earlier; I just sort of felt a little weird about Allen leaving." She managed a weak smile.

After surveying her briefly, Lavi wordlessly wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. "What happened?" he asked.

Lenalee was a bit shocked that she was so transparent; she had really tried not to show that she was hurting. However, she knew that if anybody could see through the façade of her lies, it was Lavi. "I'm sorry," she whispered back, feeling tears that she wasn't expecting spill out of her eyes and down her cheeks.

Lavi released her, "Hey, hey, there's nothing to be sorry about. Just tell me what's wrong. What happened?"

Lenalee shook her head. "No, I'm really sorry… I wasn't honest with you earlier, and I'm really sorry that I lied to you, especially when you've been so good to me."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Lavi asked, gently pushing his way into her room, so that she couldn't refuse his proposal.

"I guess," she answered weakly, gesturing for him to take a seat at a chair that was near her bed. She sat down on the bed in a manner that she faced Lavi. "I guess you can tell that we broke up."

"I thought things had been going better," Lavi commented, his voice gentle and soothing.

"That was all superficial," Lenalee responded, wiping her fingers across her cheeks. "Nothing was really being fixed."

"Would you like to elaborate?" he asked.

"He wanted me to go with him."

Lavi inhaled sharply.

Lenalee repeated. "He wanted me to go with him." She shrugged and turned her tearful gaze to Lavi. "He made it clear that he wouldn't consider not leaving today. And I just couldn't leave everyone else, not when he couldn't guarantee that we'd ever come back to the area near Headquarters at some point to settle down."

"Oooh, Lenalee, that's rough." In a split second, he was out of his chair, kneeling in front of her and putting his hands on top of hers.

"It just hurts…" she whispered. "We both love each other, so I just don't understand how everything ended like this."

"I really don't know what to tell you," Lavi said. "Sometimes people… just aren't compatible with one another. There's nobody to blame; that's just the way things are. It's just going to suck for a while, and then you'll feel better, eventually."

"Really?" she asked, unable to imagine feeling anything but what she was feeling – emotionally hurt and empty on the inside.

"Yeah, I guarantee it. Your wounds will heal with time. I'll be here for you, as long as you want me around. I'll talk with you; I'll listen. I'll even sit here and keep you company while you cry, if that's what you want. I'll willingly be the person you show your sad emotions to, so that you can show Komui a smile. If you want to be alone, too, all you have to do is tell me to leave. I'll understand; no hurt feelings on my side."

Lenalee's hands, placed on top of her knees, clenched ever so slightly under Lavi's. "I-I don't want you to leave," she said, making her decision. "I don't want to be alone right now. Can you just sit here with me?"

"Absolutely," he said. "I'll be here until you tell me to leave."

"Thank you, Lavi," she said, managing to give him a watery smile.

"No need to thank me. This is what friends do for each other."

Lenalee thought Lavi's assessment was slightly off and understated the amount of caring expressed in his actions. 'This is what great friends do for each other,' she corrected mentally. Although she didn't voice her thoughts aloud, she sat there with Lavi by her side feeling grateful for his company.

TBC

Four more chapters to go… I hope you guys will all enjoy reading until the end! I'll do my best to put out the best final product that I can. m(___)m