A/N well, here we go with another update. It is strange how sometimes you think that you are going to write one thing and then the next you discover you have written something completely different. I Also find it quite amazing how a story can slowly spring to life from a blank nothingness. When I posted the first chapter I honestly had no ID if I would be able to continue, but here we are at the fifth installment, and it is actually quite enjoyable to write.

I've read this chapter through several times, but I feel that sometimes you can stare yourself blind at your own words, so that you don't really read what has been written but only your predefined image of what ought to be written. So if you find any "mishaps" please let me know. And of course if you have other feedback that might help my writing, good or bad points I will greatly appreciate it.

It was with a sense of deja vu that he boarded the train too Charleston that morning after having waved good bye to Scarlett. His second train ride to his childhood home town in only a few short days. Only difference was that this time he didn't come as a thief in the night. And he hadn't left his wife staring blankly into midair in the house of horrors. Though he weren't sure that this last bit was an improvement as he had now recognised some of his own sadness in her, and had been forced to admit to himself that the mental image he had painted of her as a cold hearted wrench were perhaps not completely fair to her.

The train slowly edged its way out of the city, keeping a steady pace before being able to give full steam once the last cluster of Atlanta homes had been passed.

Dadum, dadum, the rhythmic banging of the metal wheels on their steel tracks had a soothing effect on him, and he settled down into his comfortable first class seat in a private compartment. Staring unseeingly out on the countryside fluttering past.

His thoughts fluttered back to the night before where he had come frightfully close to letting Scarlett melt his resolve to go away. It was frightening how little she had to do to get her way with him, though to be fair to her, she hadn't done it in her normal manipulative way. But simply with the sheer honesty of her grief and loneliness.

He lit a cigar, and stared blankly at the uneven smoke rings that appeared as he exhaled. He let his gaze follow the billowing blue smoke as it slowly dissolved and disappeared. He cautiously pulled the question of his feelings for Scarlett out from the corner of his mind where he had hid it away last night, finding it to difficult and dangerous to spend too much time on this when she was so close. Sleeping only feet away in her bedroom just next to his, he had pushed the thought away then but thought it unwisely to do so any longer.

No matter how difficult and painful it might be he needed to clarify to himself, if it was at all possible, what he still felt for that stubborn wife of his.

--""""--

As she disembarked the train she almost immediately caught sight of Will resting against one of the station building's scaffolding poles. He hadn't yet noticed her, and stood with a vacant far away glance, in deep thought, eyes focused on nothing particular. His narrow arms in their loosely fitted shirt sleeves hung limply down his sides, fingers resting lightly on his trouser pockets.

Will was one of the few people that she truly respected, and therefore never even tried to bully or bend to her ideas. Some people in the county still stuck their noses up at him, and thought that Suellen had married beneath her by accepting Will's offer, but Scarlett and most of the old Planter families had accepted him as their own kind. She didn't know much of his background; he hadn't had a gentleman's upbringing nor had he led a pampered life before the war. But he was honest, had strong moral fibre, and treated those around him with heartfelt kindness which made him worthy of respect. In addition he loved the land, her land, almost as much as herself, which to Scarlett was the biggest plus in his book.

She waved at him, and his eyes jerked back in to focus, a slow smile spreading across his weather worn face. She couldn't help smile back again, a smile that for the first time in a long while reached her eyes. How good it felt to be back!

As they drove of from the station she felt life slowly returning to her. Jonesboro was busy rebuilding itself, and the hustle and bustle around the station, told the tale of a thriving city that was not only regaining its pre-war status and expanding beyond it. The air was almost vibrating with the energy and it was this energy that added to her life force. Scarlett loved initiative and progress, thrived on it, so it was natural for her to immediately draw strength from it, after having been through so much loss and despair as she recently had. She leaned back in her seat contentedly a hint of a smile playing at the corners of her mouth. Right in this moment the world did not seam as bleak as it had only minutes before. Perhaps all was not lost?

With that thought on her mind she dove into conversation with Will, eager to learn of the news of the County.

As they approached Tara she tensed up a little bit again, and fell silent. She most often felt a bit disappointed at seeing the state of her childhood home for the first few second after a long absence from Tara. Always forgetting that it was no longer the white washed palazzio that her imagination made it out to be. Not that she didn't appreciate Will's stubborn adherence to making the place rentable, but it was just so far away from that place that had been her fathers pride and joy.

She unknowingly held her breath as they took the final bend of the road before being able to view the whole house. Will cast her a sideways glance and chuckled silently – for once he knew she wouldn't be disappointed.

She let out her breath in an audible gasp and clapped her hand to her mouth.

"Oh Will, it looks amazing, however did you manage." She asked raising an eyebrow quizzically.

All her worries had been whisked away by the sight of her beautiful childhood home. Not perhaps restored to its full former glory, but a far cry better than the last time she had seen it. Especially on a day like this where the autumn sun spread its golden glow over the stately building. The white house bore signs of having recently been painted, and that it was generally cared for. Never an architectural beauty or a well planned building at all, it still held on to a quiet charm which could probably be contributed to the effort of its former mistress.

"We had a good harvest, and Jonesboro is full of people that will take a day's job when properly paid." He shifted the straw he chewed to his other cheek, and couldn't hide the smile that crept over his face like the slowly incoming water at flood.

He was happy that for once she hadn't been disappointed at the sight of her childhood home. He for one understood exactly how much that place meant to her.

"And also" – He continued in his slow drawl

"the money you contribute us with as your share of the expenses help us a great deal. You know I don't like it, but I must admit I am grateful, it sure feels good to be able to keep the place in a state that it deserves"

He paused for a moment, turning his head and meeting her eyes to underline the sincerity of his words.

"Thank you for that Scarlett"

"Fiddle dee dee Will" – She responded, almost batting her lashes in an automatic revert to her flirting Southern Belle habits that had been an ingrained part of her for so long. She didn't want the conversation to turn to serious.

"It is me who should do the thanking" she continued

"I own one third of this place – so it is only fair that I should cover my share of the cost" She could never express the full extent of her gratitude to this whetherworn man sitting next to her, who had been such a key player in keeping the plantation from totalt destruction, and the field from reverting to a state of complete unruled forest.

"I reap my share of the profit as well, don't I?" – She added with a playful smile to stop him from adding anything else on the matter.

They both knew full well that the money she each month sent Suellen and Will at Tara, was much more than her share of the expenditures to keep Tara running.

--""""--

It was only as she jumped of the wagon that she remembered that she had forgotten to ask Will whether Wade and Ella had arrived safely from Marietta where she had left them with Prissy when she had to rush home for Melly. Dear Melly – she didn't want to have her homecoming spoiled by the thought of sweet Melanie alone in her cold grave and thus did as she did best and pushed the thought away.

Luckily the high pitched voices of her two remaining children interrupted her train of thoughts. Well they seemed safe enough, and so she also banished the slight twinge of guilt she had felt just a moment before when she had remembered how she had left Wade and Ella behind.

"Come give mother a kiss"

She kneeled down and opened her arms to them in a gesture of unfamiliar fondness. Wade approached warily not knowing whether to trust this display of affection. Also, as a boy of almost 12 years, he didn't feel that it was quite right for him to hang on to his mother skirt, but the temptation was to big and he allowed himself a quick hug, stepping back watching Ella enviously, throwing herself in their mothers arms, sobbing openly. The little girl had already lost her father; all she had left of him were a blurred mental image of a red haired blotched face leaning over her crib as a very young child. Now she had lost her dearest aunt Melanie who always had had a kind word and a smile for her. All she had left was her Mother and so she clung to her tightly.

Scarlett looked over her two younger kids, and Rhetts words flashed through her mind "A cat would be a better mother than you", were he right? Was she really worth little more in that department than a feline female that let its youngsters find their own way in the world. She bristled at the thought. She had provided for them, clad them in clothes that were far better than their friends, given them a beautiful roof over their heads, fancy toys and food enough to ensure that they would never grow hungry, in short all the security that money could buy.

She was annoyed at herself for not being able to suppress the nagging feeling of guilt completely even with those thoughts. Deep down she knew that the only thing they had lacked were her undivided attention and her love.

Poor kids she thought as she looked at them a bit closer, they too looked a bit lost and forlorn. They too had lost… first their sister, and now their aunt Melly, who had always been so kind to them. Still unknown to them were the third loss, the loss of Rhett, the closest thing to a father they had ever known.

Wade looked like his real father, Charles Hamilton, brown soft eyes, and a general air of mildness and kindness to him, how he looked like Melanie as well – the only thing she didn't see was a resemblance to her. She sincerely hoped that there were some steel to be found beneath the soft exterior. Ella, her little girl, the only little girl she had left. Didn't look anything like her either, what a shame she took after her father as well. Round face, reddish brown hair and a red tone to her skin, that would blotch up every time she shed even one tear – Scarlett thought with a hint of contempt – which was far too often. Scarlett wondered if she would ever find and recognise any part of herself in this girl as well. Or were both her kids only living, spiting proof of the loss of the only child that had been truly hers on the outside as well as on the inside.

With an effort Scarlett blocked this most unwelcoming train of thoughts, and to compensate she put on a weak fake smile, and made a resolve to treat her two remaining children with more care and feel. It wasn't their fault that they didn't take after her, in a flash of recognition she thought that perhaps if she spent more time with them, she might influence them to become the sort of people she could enjoy having around her.

The smile on her face deepened slightly and became a genuine smile.

Looking around her she took in the rest of the people gathered for her welcome, Will and Suellens two girls, one almost the same age as Ella. There was Pork and Dilcey, and a little behind them stood Mammy. Dearest Mammy she longed for some time alone with her, but knew that it had to wait for later. She didn't want to spill the beans of her failed marriage in front of everybody, and she knew that she would not be able to hold back her emotions if she let her guards down even a little bit for Mammy's sake. She weren't even sure that she would tell Mammy all of the current state of misery that was her life – mostly she just needed a warm embrace from the old Negro woman that had been a part of her life for so long.

--""""--

Having said her hello's to the rest of the family, with an effort managing not to snap at Suellen, she entered the house and quickly made her excuses and retired to her room.

As she sat down on her bed she felt the numbing tiredness, which had been her constant companion lately, overwhelm her again after having been releaved by the exitement of finally coming home. How nice it had been to feel alive again for even a couple of hours. She had been so right in coming to Tara. If she were to heal her hurts she knew that this was the place. If she had been prone to superstituous beliefs she would have sworn that the red earth of Tara held some sort of Magic regenerative power.

She went over the events of the morning, she and Rhett had had a surprisingly enjoyable breakfast where she for a few moments had been able to lull herself into the belief that everything was alright between them. Kind words and polite conversation. All too soon it had been over and a hazy goodbye on the platform had followed, she had felt like screaming out her anguish for all the world to hear, begging him to stay, pleading him to stay. But she had managed not to. Only her eyes sending out the silent request.

As he had helped her onboard the train he had gently leaned in and given her a soft peck on the check. She unconsciously lifted her hand to that spot giving herself a light caress, as if by touching the place his lips had touched she would be able to touch him.

She shook her head at her own silly notion. What a frightful ninny headed goose she was turning into. Next thing she would start fainting round the clock like old miss Pittypat, and Mammy would definitely scold her if she knew that she was acting like a silly teenage girl.

Her train of thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock on the door, the door opened and Mammy entered carrying a tray laden with small treats for her.

"look my chile, look wha' Mammy brought for you, something sweet to cheer ya' up" Mammy paused, and her old eyes swept scrutinizingly over Scarletts face

"Ma poor chile, wha' sis wrong with ya'? Her voice filled with concern she had never seen her dear Scarlett looking like this before.

"come now you kow thou can tell ol' Mammy everything" She carefully placed the heavy tray on the bedside table and dropped as gently as possible down next to Scarlett on the bed. The springs heaving audibly under her heavy weight.

At first Scarlett was silent, simply enjoying the closeness of the old woman sitting next to her, and she leaned her head on the broad should next to her, wallowing in the smell of her childhood. Slowly her mouth started moving and words formed as if on their own according, melting together into sentences, that again wound together telling the story of the misery and loneliness that had filled her up over the last weeks and months.

"…. I miss her… I miss her so; I never even knew how much she meant to me until it was to late and now she is gone…"

"….And now he has gone as well and I don't know what to do"

"why Mammy, why did all this have to happen to me?" Her voice high pitched as a child screaming at the unfairness of the world.

She didn't know for how long she had been speaking or what exactly she had revealed to her old nursemaid, she just felt how every word had helped loosen the knot that had sagged her down. Mammy's wrinkled old hands kept stroking her back in a soothing motion, but she didn't make any comments to Scarletts story just let the words flow like an infection flows from an infested wound. Letting it all out would be the best cure for her Scarlett.