A/N First, thank to those who have taken the time to review, it really means a lot to get you feedback. Secondly - well, here it is the next chapter in my little tale... I hope you like it. I'm not really surre about the end. But I tried out different things... and well, I'm still not sure it is it... but for now at least, it is as good as it guess. Please read and tell me what you think :)
The wind rustled Scarlett's hair as she let the horse into a spirited canter. She bent her head backwards and laughed out loud. How she had come to enjoy her morning rides. Especially on golden mornings like today where she had been able to sneak out without first being submitted to Mammy's scrutinizing stares, and thus been able to get out without being too formally dressed and with her hair hanging down her back, in a thick dark hair braided into a loosely done plait.
The wind stung her eyes and made them watery, but she didn't mind. In these moments she felt truly alive.
For the first weeks her early morning rides had been a bothersome obligation she had subjected herself to. More than anything her only way of getting out of Suellen's hair; other than resorting, of course, to be staying cooped up in her room for most of the day, which wasn't something that Scarlett enjoyed very much. But gradually she had felt a great sense of freedom and liberation, from the sorry mess that was her life, whenever she got up on the horse and trailed the old forgotten paths around the lands of Tara which she had used to frequent in her carefree youth by her fathers side. Her morning rides had just as gradually changed from half hour stints just up and down the alley leading from the main road to the house, to long trips that would sometimes keep her away from the house for several hours.
She knew that Mammy and maybe Suellen as well disapproved her racking around on her own, the one worried about her safety while the other perhaps was more concerned with what the neighbours would think, but she had been firm on this, and no plea or tantrum had willed her to bring a companion on her trips.
In the beginning she had been haunted by images of Bonnie being thrown by her little pony, reliving those horrid moments with every step the horse took, and she had been trudging along in a steady pace, but gradually she had overcome her fear and found her old spirit and her pace had picked up. Remembering just how much she had loved riding, before the experience was marred by the frightening thoughts of her father and youngest daughter's fatal falls. She even contemplated jumping, but so far it had been restricted to only jumping the odd small puddle and branch on her way.
Scarlett had come to realise that these hours alone were also quite good to sort out her mind, not that it was something she enjoyed doing very much. Lately though, so much had happened, that the effort to always keep the bad thoughts stored away for tomorrow was simply to much, to an extent that she felt like she would burst if she didn't put some sort of order in the unruly chaos of her mind. So Scarlett looked back. Perhaps the most courageous thing she had ever done.
She looked at each memory as a piece of a puzzle, some where old and dusty from being stored away for so long, others were fresh and the image they inflicted on her could almost make her scream, so vivid and filled with hurt were they. Those she hurriedly packed away again, knowing full well that they were still there in the box needing to be fitted in with the rest of the pieces, but the pain was still to raw for them to be seen clearly.
Scarlett found that she could now remember her parents without the overwhelming sense of loss and abandonment that had normally followed even the briefest mentioning of them.
She could see them as they had been in her youth, she could relive her childhood without feeling like screaming due to the simple unfairness that she had lost them both before she had been able or ready to let go. What surprised her the most was that her mother had lost some of the angelic glow that had always until now permeated every part of any image and thought of Ellen O'Hara.
She now saw clearly that her mother, saint like though she had been in behaviour had not been truly happy and therefore perhaps not the mother she could have been. She had been shaped by her life to be perhaps too concerned with outer polish to allow for differences in nature, wanting to fit them all into the mould she had been formed by. Scarlett also had the nagging awareness that Ellen had been too engrossed in her own inner sadness to be fully present for her children, even if she had loved them all dearly. Scarlett came to the conclusion, that if you live your life detached, it is much easier to appear the saint like, than if you throw yourself wholeheartedly into life. With shame she realised, that even if she hadn't been as skilled at putting up a bright façade as her Mother, she had at least in some areas of her life been in part guilty of doing the same, by living for the memory of Ashley instead of embracing the life that she had chosen by marrying Rhett.
She also saw the dent in her parents perfect marriage, that had been build by fondness and polite consideration instead of a burning love. Even if her father had loved her mother so much that her departure had led him to loose himself in the oblivion of a time before the world went askew.
She grasped at the understanding, that what her father had loved was not the real women, Ellen, but merely the pretty always well groomed shell. And that left her wonder if her mother and father had ever lain in the cosy darkness telling tales of their day, enjoying a companiable hour of understanding, like she had with Rhett in the early days of their marriage, or had it merely been a polite contract with one the admirer and the other the admired without any real interaction. She knew that her father had been capable of love, since he had always showered her and her sisters with fatherly love. But the love a man holds for his wife ought to be more alive than the affection a father has for his offspring.
One question that kept bothering her was whether her father had really seen Ellen as clearly as she had come to realise Rhett had seen her, with all her faults and shortcomings and still loved her. Loved her, not in spite of those, but because of them. Or had her father only seen her Mother as a perfect trophy, the icing on his cake and loved her because of that – he had always been so proud of his gentle beautiful wife and felt blessed that she had consented to marry him - and would he have loved her if he had really seen her?
She thought back to a thing that Rhett had once said to her about Melanie, that it was the unfairness of the world that it took so little to satisfy those who where good and naive. She had felt a pang of pity for his father and anger towards her mother but had decided to let it go, as her father had seemed happy with his life, and she also hoped that Ellen had found a quiet happiness in her life with her father, if not true love.
It sadden her to understand these things about her parents, but Scarlett also in a way felt that it was liberating as it made it easier for her to come to terms with the way her own life had turned out, and how far away from the path of perfection her parents had seen for her it had deviated.
Deviations not only made out of a strong sense of rebellion to Ellen and Gerald's beliefs, but out of pure necessity in order to survive in a world that had change faster than a blink of an eye.
The memory of her parents also lead to thoughts about her sister, her children and her interaction with the other people she would think of with love or fondness. Several prominent figures dominated that part of the puzzle. Ashley, Mammy, Melly… And Rhett.
Rhett took up so many of the pieces in her mind puzzle that a whole box was probably taken up by him and the memories of their time together. She had looked at many of them, but had not analyzed what she had seen too close. It hurt too much.
A few of the images were happy and filled with warmth and Scarlett kept those close to her heart, a cherished piece of a life she wished to gain. The enjoyment of these happy moments were tainted though, and always lead her to think of the ones that was right next to it that weren't happy or gay. For most of the images where twisted and ugly, filled with hurt and venom that ripped at heart, so that she wondered how she could love this man who had been a major part of this. And she recoiled from looking at those, feeling that it would destroy her. Though at the same time knowing, that if she didn't she could never find her redemption and gain the happiness and forgiveness that she so desperately wanted..
Despite all the hurt and torment she saw, one thing never wavered, and that was her faith in her love for Rhett, she knew like nothing she had ever known before, that she would never be fully alive, or feel complete and whole without him in her life. This was one man she could never stop loving, even if she didn't understand where this love came from, and how it had come to burn so steadily.
Sometimes she hated him for making her feel this way, she didn't thing she had been this dependent on another person since she had left her mothers womb and taken her first breath of the air around her. And she hated feeling weak, with nothing to help cure the weakness.
Mostly however she missed him greatly.
And she spent hours on end plotting out ways to get him back. But none seemed real and thus she stayed on at Tara.
Scarlett reined in the horse, and patted its neck. "Good boy, good thing your mind is staying right on this path or heaven knows where we would have ended up".
She shook her head. Whenever had she turned in to such a wool gathering daydreamer – even if the train of thoughts that had just engrossed her hadn't been particularly happy or fluffy! She had been so deep in though that she hadn't realised where the horse had taken her and for how long she had been gone.
She squinted her eyes and looked up at the sun.
It had been a golden autumn so far, long lazy warm day following one another. And the heat that she felt pouring down from the blazing sun, told her that it was time to go home "or Mammy will have my head" she spoke the words aloud to no one in particular. The horse turned its ear to acknowledge her words. There was no one else around.
--""""--
As she handed the reins for the groom she had appointed to take care of her horse she looked up and saw through the parlour window the rest of the family sitting down in peaceful unison around the lunch table. She felt a twang in her heart. As she looked at the cosy setting Scarlett wondered why she that had always been able to trap any mans attention where struggling so with the simple interaction of other people, and she felt the familiar sense of loneliness that almost always had been her constant companion in the company of other people. Looking over the images of her mind, another realisation had been that she had never really known true friendship, except perhaps in part with Rhett and to some extent with Melly. But the first had almost always been tarnished at least a little bit with the undertones of what wasn't said between them of held back feelings and disappointments. The latter had not been a real friendship. At least not in the true sense of the word, because, all her dealings with Melly, until almost the very end, had been influenced by a hidden agenda of her wish to gain Ashley for herself. She had tried to redeem herself to Ella and Wade, but she didn't know how to talk to them, and so most of the time she failed. Suellen was always so tense and bitter around her to such an extent, that it bristled Scarlett to no end with the unfairness of the all. Hadn't she provided Suellen with the material means to survive during the final hours of the war and ever since? Even when she came with peace offerings, a snide comment from Sue would make her temperament flare and they would end up arguing the same old argument. Well she thought as she climbed the steps to the porch surrounding the house, she would make more of an effort. At least it would be something to put her energy into while figuring out how to get Rhett back.