A/N Thank you so much to everyone taking the time to read our story. Thank you to those who have reviewed, added the story to alert etc it means a lot that you are enjoying this.
This story would not be possible without the support of our friends who keep us going, inspiration and their opinions. Thank you to Zoe, Gene and Stopbreathe who have continued to be our sound board. An extra special thank you to Sandi, your help in sounding these chapters out and input has been greatly appreciated. And finally our lovely Beta Shinata-Riyoko who has a look and makes sure we are making sense.
Its getting quite deep, so please stick with us. We hope you enjoy. All mistakes even though looked for sometimes escape please forgive us and enjoy
Sadie & Nic :)
Chapter 9: Burned Out Flames Should Never Reignite…But I Thought You Might
Just To End Up Right Back Here On The Floor
She's better off without me, she had moved on. I moved her out here to give her back her life… If I stay right now, I break her again. Arizona's mind was a hurricane of emotions as they had endured the painstakingly slow elevator ride up to the apartment. I love her, I have to let her go…but I, we need to stop this silly avoidance. Grow up Arizona! You can do this. You can see her with someone else; you have to make this work.
"Mommy, we're home." Sofia came bounding through the door, pulling her less than happy mother behind her. Sofia had pleaded that she came up and said goodbye to Mommy too. Goodbye was going to be the first thing she had said to Callie in days. The kiss, the guilt had made her run out of the apartment with her tail between her legs. Her father had joined in with the lecture after her mother's blow out. He'd told her that she knew how it felt to be ignored and he had raised her better than this game she was playing. She knew herself that they had both acted like children, but still, his disappointment was easier to swallow than hearing the disappointment from Callie, the renewed rejection.
"You're home early? Have you been annoying Grandpop again?" Callie chuckled before she caught on to the sullen look Arizona was sporting and knew. That look, every time they'd ever said goodbye, Arizona had worn that look. Callie knew that she couldn't let that happen without saying what was on her mind.
"Mama's going back to Seattle." Sofia never said home. Seattle wasn't home for the small girl even when she was there. Home was here, in Pennsylvania and Sofia made it clear, often, that home was where she was so Arizona needed to move home.
"Already?" Callie's voice took on a sad undertone. In patches while Arizona was here, they had actually managed to get on, again she had hoped that they could finally let go of the past and move onto a future where they could at least be in the same room as each other. She'd been ignored for days since that kiss and had not been allowed to explain or try to fix things. Cristina, when she'd been interrogated to how long they were staying for, had said that they were here for another few days.
"She's going back to save babies, Mommy." Sofia answered for Arizona who still had yet to really look at Callie. What she needed to say to Callie was still scaring the crap out of her as she wasn't sure what reaction she would be presented with. "Wait, Wait Mama. I made you something to take back with you. Be right back." Sofia raced out of the room before anyone was able to say anything to her.
Callie cocked an eyebrow in disbelief, her blood hit boiling point in seconds, yet again Arizona was leaving, avoiding so she didn't have to deal with Callie. Yeah, okay she probably did need to go home because of the unexpected vacation that they'd taken probably caused messy schedules back in Seattle, but why so suddenly. "To save babies, is that what you told our daughter… Oh that's right! When I get too much for you, guess what Arizona bails yet again! At least this time you're physically leaving as opposed to sending me a world away."
"What? No. Not now Callie, that's not what this, is." Arizona's own temper rose with the sarcasm that dripped from Callie's tongue.
"When then, Arizona? When? When you get back to Seattle and refuse to take my phone calls?" Callie's blood felt like lava, that's the best description of it… any moment wanting to erupt.
"Oh it takes an ignorer to know one, Callie." This wasn't what either of them wanted, they didn't want a slagging match, but it was quickly going to turn into one if it wasn't for the fact they both heard the tiny thumping feet of their daughter returning.
"Tony dumped me!" Callie didn't mean to blurt it, but her daughter coming back and the threat of Arizona leaving before she had the chance to say anything spurred her mouth into action before her brain had time to think. When she saw the guilt in Arizona's eyes, she realised she'd taken it the wrong way…the last thing she was going to say to Arizona, because she could see if it wasn't for Sofia being there she would have ran in that moment.
"Here it is!" Sofia ran back out and shoved the box into Arizona's arms. "Open it when you get back to Seattle. And when you come home again, bring it with you, okay? Okay? Okay?" She was jumping and running wildly about consumed by childish excitement that panic crossed Callie's face as she could see the signs.
"Sofia, you need to calm…" But it was too late; their daughter started wheezing within moments. It wasn't that she wasn't allowed to exert energy, but she had gone through enough therapy to know to stretch her lungs and practice proper breathing. In all the excitement and running, she had simply forgotten.
"Go get on your machine, Baby. I'll call you when I land." Arizona kissed her daughter, hugging her as tight as she could without causing more discomfort. "I love you."
Callie felt her mouth drop, even after she'd blurted out that Tony was out of the picture. Arizona was still getting on that plane.
"I love you, Bye." Sofia frowned, wiping tears from her cheeks before disappearing into her bedroom. She was an old pro and didn't need either mom to help her.
"Sofia, I'm walking Mama to her rental car. I'll be right back. Just stay on your bed and breathe. You know the routine, Baby." Callie yelled as panic now crossed Arizona's features. She had decided that she didn't want to have this conversation face to face; she wasn't ready. She would definitely tell Callie why she had to go back to Seattle when she was out of range of Callie's infamous rage.
"I got her." Cristina yelled from Sofia's room where she'd been taking a nap until the bouncing child had bulldozed through.
"No Callie, its fine. You don't have to walk me out." Please. Please don't. "I'll let you guys know when I land." Arizona tried to argue.
"I'm walking you to your car. Aside from the wait for the elevator taking sometimes ten minutes to make it up here, the ride down can be just as long and I have something I need to say."
Danger, Danger High Voltage!
"Aunt Cris." She mumbled, Sofia's eyes grew wide and she started to almost dance in urgency when she heard the front door shut. Tears streaming down around her facemask as she tried to remain calm and not make things worse.
"I know, Little Doc. I know." Cristina shook her head. "Just breathe." This wasn't in the plan; their plan failed. She frowned.
"Please do something." The plea came out mumbled from obstruction of the mask, making Sofia sound even more pathetic.
Cristina's eyes grew bright; she'd promised Barbara no more pranks. This wasn't a prank though, this was one last chance. One last chance that these two stubborn headed idiots would get their heads out of their asses and finally talk. If this didn't make them do it, nothing else would, they would have no way to avoid each other. She only hoped they wouldn't murder each other in the process because she heard the tone in Callie's voice.
"Do you have back-up batteries in that thing?" Sofia nodded, holding up her hand she held up five fingers. "Five hours?" Cristina asked and she nodded again. "Unplug yourself from the wall and follow me." Cristina picked up the machine and hurriedly carried it out, placing it on the table next to the front door. "Now stand here and peek out of the door. Tell me when they get on the elevator." Cristina ordered.
"Ay-ay, Agent Heart." Sofia saluted her godmother with a grin behind the mask.
While Sofia was expertly peering out of the door without being caught, Cristina was running around like a chicken with her head cut off. She remembered seeing exactly what she was looking for in Sofia's room when she had taken a nap. She had cursed the amount of things as she tried to pull plugs out to make space for her phone charger, and now they were a blessing. "Hurry. Hurry." Sofia pulled her mask down to whisper loudly.
Smiling like the Cheshire Cat, Cristina returned with a six way outlet under her arm, the coffee maker already filled with water, balanced in one hand, an iron in the other. "The door's opening for them." Sofia whined.
Squatting, she quickly plugged the outlet extension into the faulty main socket, then added the iron and coffee machine turning them on high, placing the iron in the safe upright position. Nothing happened, looking around quickly she spotted the vacuum and added that, turning it on. Again, there was nothing. "Ah fuck! So much for don't touch... boom Cristina!" Cristina mocked Callie's previous warning, adding a little Cristina flair though trying to look around the room quickly she started to curse under her breath.
"The door is shut!" Sofia growled. Cristina launched herself in a desperate attempt pulled the dryer plug from the wall and added that to the mix scuttling back to turn the thing up high.
The lights flashed twice, there was the sound of a small explosion and everything went dark. Both Cristina and Sofia sunk to the floor in relief, sweat dripping from Cristina's brow as Sofia tried to settle her breathing again.
"Well Little Doc, it's been nice knowing ya." Cristina offered a cheeky grin as she lazily lifted her hand up waiting for the small handed high five.
I've Been Waiting For This Silence All Night Long. It's Just A Matter Of Time.
Callie was going to apologize, that's what the point of walking Arizona out was all about. The kiss from a few days before, Arizona believing she'd pushed Callie to cheat. It wasn't fair for her to think that, that's why Callie had tried to call and explain. She had been so caught off guard with Arizona's reaction and the fact that it had felt right. She wanted it to go further and then Arizona's reaction just hit home that she hated her. Love was a fucked up thing; you could love someone to pieces, but still hate them. You could love somebody to pieces, but it wouldn't matter when they still hated you. When she had thought about Arizona's reaction she had understood that her own hesitancy in coming clean about Tony had caused her to run. She finally could admit to herself that she liked that Arizona cared so much over being responsible for "Callie's fall from grace." Because, this at least showed Callie just how much her ex still cared about her. She couldn't let her leave with the guilt of that balancing on her shoulders. She wanted them to at least be friends if they could be nothing more.
As the doors closed them into the small box, preparing to descend down twenty-four floors, Callie could only stare straight ahead as she felt Arizona fidget with her jacket next to her. Why was this so hard, both of them knew they wanted to say something, but yet they stood playing chicken, neither one willing to start. Callie stood there thinking about if Arizona was guilty, angry or hurt over their kiss. Arizona stood there not wanting to admit what her sudden need to return to Seattle was. This is how they got here, their refusal to actually talk to the other.
Callie released a shaky breath as she tried to force her mouth to open; it had a habit of opening when she didn't want it to. But with Arizona, she could never say what she wanted to. Arizona's flight was in an hour, she knew she would never be late for a flight; she always liked to be punctual. Do it Callie…just say something. She chastised herself as she felt the elevator begin to move.
"I'm so sorry I broke up your relationship, this is why I need to go right now. It feels like I always end up hurting you. I knew you'd tell her because you're honorable like that and I knew, I know you need some time to fix things with her before…" Arizona's voice was so quiet, and broken.
"Arizona? Why should you allow me to fix things with Tony, I was never allowed that with…" Callie looked over to Arizona as both felt the elevator shake, grabbing at anything they were completely unprepared for what happened next.
Darkness surrounded them; the force from the mechanisms grinding to a stop left Callie flat on her ass with Arizona's body sitting uncomfortably in her lap. The noise, followed by complete darkness and screams had them both holding on tight to the other as images of the elevator crashing twenty four floors below, bringing them to a fiery death.
"Are we alive?" Arizona started feeling around, her fingers unintentionally grazing Callie's chest in the process.
"Yeah, we're um, we're fine" Callie laughed as she realised what they must have looked like, squealing like slaughtered pigs. When she felt her ex's hand come to rest where her fingers were just teasing, she became really uncomfortable. "But um, would you mind not groping me in the dark? If you wanted a sexy send-off, we could have just used my bed in the apartment." Callie teased. After the fright, Callie thought they both could do with the comic relief.
"Oh right. Sorry!" Arizona pulled her hand back as though she'd just been burned. She was embarrassed, it was dark and she didn't know where her hand had landed.
"Also, do you mind getting off me? My back kinda hurts and your bony ass is digging into my leg." Tactlessly, Callie dumped Arizona off her lap onto the floor. It had nothing to do with her being sore or Arizona's less than bony ass, but the close proximity of their bodies was just ringing danger in her ears as it echoed the same game's night hormones.
Scoffing, Arizona pouted. An act that was completely void, because of the darkness. "My ass is not bony!" Darkness hid the smiles and playfulness.
When Callie didn't respond, Arizona's stress levels snapped. "What the hell just happened?" Arizona barked sounding angrier than she really was.
"Shit." Callie laughed rubbing her forehead.
"What? What's so funny?"
"We're stuck." She laughed, her answer short and far from sweet.
"What does that mean? We're stuck?" Arizona asked.
"It means we're stuck? As in not moving?" Callie's voice lacked the teasing sarcasm Arizona expected.
"Okay for like for five minutes? Because five minutes, that's funny."
Callie remained silent trying to absorb the reality of their situation.
"But by your silence I'm thinking what's funny is me thinking five minutes. How long, Callie? This isn't funny; I have a flight to catch. Stop laughing. Stop it." Arizona was rambling and to Callie, that was funny. She missed Arizona's rambles.
"When's your flight?"
"I take off in a little over an hour." Her voice held optimism.
"You might as well make yourself comfortable; my bet is that you won't be flying out of here anytime soon." Callie closed her eyes praying for patience. "The elevator is stopped!" Callie finished condescendingly.
"Thanks Obvious Joe." Arizona snapped back. What the hell just happened with their moods? "You know what? Let's just not talk to each other, since it's apparently a hardship for you."
Dim lights came on; barely illuminating the small space. The pair could now see each other, but chose to concentrate on anything else except the other. Arizona had a quick feel of her pockets looking for her phone, when she hit the car keys she remembered that she had left her phone in her rental car. She hadn't put her watch on either. There she sat fizzing, no sense of time and adamant that she was not talking to Callie.
Why could they not just talk to each other!
And I'm Ready To Suffer And I'm Ready To Hope
"I'm sorry you missed your flight." Callie finally broke the silence, her voice apologetic.
"Do you have your phone?" Arizona's spirit raised at the idea of calling out for help. During their silence, Arizona tried the elevator phone not once, not twice, but five times before giving up hope. The damn thing's cord was so frayed, she wondered the last time it was ever in use. And every time she picked it up, Callie smirked in her corner only fuelling Arizona on each time.
"No, I left my phone back in the apartment."
"Then how do you know I missed my flight?" Her voice was still snappy.
"I know it's kinda archaic and practically a fossil, actually this one is a Fossil, but I can read my watch." Callie gasped, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
Arizona couldn't help but smile; that was funny. Her fossil was a Fossil. If that wasn't the perfect shift in moods, she didn't know what was. "You're still wearing that old thing?" She teased.
"It's a good watch." Callie shrugged. And one of the only things she had left from Arizona. Her 'special' necklace went the way of her wedding band to a pawnshop without looking back as both were just painful reminders of love lost, but she kept the watch Arizona bought her after Sofia was born. Surgeons needed good watches, and Arizona made certain Callie had the best since her previous watch had been destroyed or lost in the car accident. Not that her previous watch was bad, but this one was the cream of the crop, and Arizona had gotten it engraved. There's Always Time ... Callie held tight to those words, and even though every day she struggled to believe them, she still found they held truth. Especially now.
"How long do you think we'll be in here?" Arizona asked, hoping that Callie had an answer; an answer she wanted to hear. Watching as Callie pulled herself off the floor, the panic hit as she felt the elevator dip as Callie jumped.
"Callie...stop it, it's not funny!" Arizona's voice was laced with dread.
Callie looked around at her and smirked before she jumped one more time making contact with her target, the maintenance hatch on the ceiling. The sudden influx of air swirling around hot bodies felt great as Callie smiled and sat back down at her original position.
"Last time I was stuck for almost five hours, and it's only been about an hour, trust me it gets a lot hotter than this." Five hours. She wasn't certain, no matter what she had to say to Arizona, that she could last five hours with her. This wasn't fun any longer, she wanted to get everything out, but she didn't know where to start, and was this small space a good place to release their demons? Callie leaned against the cool fake wood panelling of the elevator wall, closing her eyes as her head tipped back, up towards the ceiling and dimmed lights. She blinked several times trying to hold back the tears threatening to spill down her cheeks at any second.
Arizona sat observing the other woman. She'd aged, beautifully, but she'd still aged nonetheless and without Arizona by her side, and that saddened her. They were supposed to be forever and here they were, Arizona avoiding Callie; Callie avoiding Arizona. So they were blessed ... cursed with a few hours to talk; maybe they should utilize this time without Sofia, without a safe space for either of them. They were both vulnerable here and maybe that's what they needed all along, a place to have such a luxury.
"Callie, talk to me. Please." Arizona begged from her spot merely feet away. It's not that Arizona herself wanted to hash out the past, but at the same time, her visit to Pennsylvania had reminded her just how much she missed Callie even more than as an intimate partner, but as a friend. She missed sharing her day, her conquests in the OR, even her failures with the woman next to her. And if hashing out the past gave her back her friendship with her ex-wife, she'd deal with the fall out to get to the prize.
"You have ignored me for days, what do you want me to say to that? That I'm sorry you freaked out because you didn't have any control? That I'm sorry that's the way it's always been with us?" She didn't look at Arizona, instead just squeezing her eyes shut she stayed still as a statue.
"I'm already carrying the scarlet letter, I panicked, Callie. I didn't want to give you that burden too." Arizona answered honestly.
"It wasn't your choice to make, Arizona. You can't control everything in my life."
"What? Callie, that's not, I didn't want you to cheat on your fiancee. I was protecting you." Arizona's voice quivered as she spoke the single word that haunted her more than anything else. Fiancee.
"Fiancee?"
"Tony. You and Tony."
Callie laughed. Who the hell told Arizona that they were engaged? And where the hell did they get such an idea? Callie was done with the title of wife and Tony knew that getting involved with her. If things got that far, they would tackle it as it unfolded, but they were both quite content in a long term, no labels attached relationship. "There is no, Callie and Tony. She broke things off with me days ago, before we kissed Arizona. That's why I wanted to talk to you. I needed to tell you, but you blocked me off." She wasn't even bitter about Tony, she felt guilty for not feeling broken. Callie loved Tony, but maybe Tony was right, she wasn't in love with her.
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"Don't be, just know I kissed you back Arizona. I wanted to kiss you." Callie shook her head. "It's for the best, Sofia wasn't warming up to her and she took things too far this early in, I can only imagine what she'd do if we'd gotten even more serious. At the end of the day, I'll put my own happiness on hold for her."
Arizona understood what Callie was saying. Her daughter was kind of a monster when it came to her dates and had scared more than one of them away, and it would always be Sofia she picked over anyone anyway. Trying to make light of things, Arizona smiled remembering green vomit. "Once Sofia was so set on scaring off one of my dates, that she mixed peanut butter with split pea soup and pretended to vomit it all over my date's silk shirt. I didn't realize that it was a prank until she was back with you and I found the soup can and peanut butter jar under her bed. To be honest, I think some vomit was actually mixed in with the concoction because she held it in her mouth before spitting it up, and the way she was heaving was not an act. Nobody can heave that hard without bringing something up. Serves her right, but it is kinda evil genius."
Callie laughed actually opening her eyes to look at Arizona.
"What? That's not funny. Her dry cleaning bill was twice that of dinner, a movie, and a babysitter. Most expensive first date I've ever had." Arizona huffed.
"No. I'm not laughing at you. Well, I am but, Tony ..." Callie was laughing so hard she had to hold her stomach. "Tony met the green vomit fate too. I ... I couldn't figure out what the hell that child ate that was green and chunky, but oh my god, it makes so much sense. Brilliant little brat."
"That she is. Her favorite sabotage was the shaken can of coke. At least three dates were ruined by that one. Took me forever to catch on. I just thought she was a clumsy kid and I didn't want to make her feel bad about it." They were sharing, this was good. They were even talking about dating other people. Friendly terms.
"That happened the night Sof met Tony, except Tony spoiled it and changed into spare clothes and still spent the evening. I figured she'd shaken the can because I never heard it hit the kitchen tiling, but I wasn't going to press the issue because she was so unhappy with Tony, I had to pick my battles." This was nice and Callie could feel herself relaxing.
"Sofia hides my legs." Arizona blurted out, trying to keep her laughing under control, as she thought about it.
"What?" Callie laughed.
"She hides my legs when she doesn't want me going out. When I go into the shower, she is the queen at making them disappear and I can never find them in time. Mom helps out. I've yet to prove that, but I don't doubt it." Arizona knew it was bad, but she always found it funny and that only encouraged their daughter. "Last time she used them to build a blanket and pillow fort." Callie couldn't stop the snort of laughter as she imagined Barbara helping.
"We're doomed to forever be single, aren't we? It's like she only wants ..." Callie stopped talking; it was like Sofia only wanted them together. It made sense, lots of sense because most fights with their daughter about Tony ended with Sofia slyly throwing Arizona in her face.
"Sofia wants her moms together." Arizona whispered into the deadly silence with hope lacing her words. Maybe she did too, but she couldn't stop the divorce all those years ago and so much time had passed now that she felt pretty hopeless. "We need to talk, Callie. We need to be able to talk to each other. Why is it so hard for us to do that...we know we have to, yet we both mess it up?"
"Love is messy and makes you do incredibly stupid things, even when you think you're doing the right thing. You're right...no more running. We've got nowhere left to run..." Callie held her hands up showing that they were in their own little cell.
Crap. They were opening a can of worms she wasn't sure she wanted to get into, but was it really this can of worms or all proceeding cans of worms this particular one would open? "Maybe you're right. Maybe we are in the past and we need to stay there." Callie refused to look at the other woman, refused to open her eyes. It felt as though they were on a merry-go-round, they were constantly fighting their feelings, just when one decided they would jump off the other wanted to get back on and vice versa.
She could hear the pain in Arizona's voice pleading with her for closure, but she also wasn't sure she wanted to give it to Arizona. She never got such a luxury so why should she give it to the woman that stole her future from them? The woman that hated her so much she sent her 2900 miles away, across the country, so she didn't have to see Callie ever again. The kind of hate Arizona harbored for the woman that cut her leg off, in nothing but love, was so strong that she couldn't even look at Callie and that was something Callie just couldn't forget, she didn't think she could forgive that.
"We have a daughter, Callie."
"It's funny you remember her when it's convenient for you." Callie laughed bitterly.
"That's not fair." Arizona snapped, quickly reigning in her anger. "That's not fair." Her voice softened. "I love Sofia."
"I know. I know." Callie rubbed her hands over her face, her voice muffled by her palms. Swallowing a few times, she turned her head facing the woman of both her dreams and nightmares. It was her turn to notice that Arizona had aged, but so had she. They both sported the already deepening stress lines outlining their lips except, while Callie found her own to only be reminders of her age, her not so easy past, Arizona's only added to her striking beauty. She hated the butterflies just looking at her ex-wife gave her. She hated that her ex-wife had any emotional hold over her at all. "I'm sorry." She whispered, feeling guilty for lashing out with immaturity. A yelling match in a broken elevator where they were trapped for the foreseeable future was not going to be of any good to either of them.
"I asked you why you wouldn't talk to me. Aside from the obvious, but I know you, you don't hold grudges. It's not in you, but with me, you … we're raising a daughter through technological communications, that's not healthy for her or for us."
Callie looked down at her hands balled in tight fists in her lap. Flexing her fingers, she counted briefly to ten in her head before speaking calmly. "I was giving you what you wanted, a clean break from ..." her voice dropped a few octaves, tears tickled the back of her throat. "From me."
Arizona remained quiet, confused was an understatement. Even through the divorce, they'd remained friendly. The bitterness her indiscretions had caused were put aside for the sake of their child. They didn't socialize, but they were civil, treating each other with mutual respect, so this new revelation came out of left field.
When her ex-wife didn't answer, Callie looked up again, only to see the confusion etched on Arizona's face, except she also remained silent waiting out the response she was certain would break her heart all over again.
"We have a child together, what makes you think I would ever want that?" Arizona watched grief wash over Callie's face. Reaching out, she put a hand on her ex-wife's thigh. "Callie, we have a past together, and granted not all of it needs to make the history books, but erasing you from what was the best years of my life is not something I ever, ever, ever wanted. We were making it work. What happened? You hit Pennsylvania and went cold and incommunicado almost immediately, I thought this job, a new start was what you needed."
Callie scoffed, rolling her eyes and scooting further away from Arizona's touch. How dare her ex-wife act not only sentimental, but act as if she was completely oblivious to her actions that landed Callie in Pennsylvania.
"Care to explain why Thomas Jefferson called to confirm my transfer to their hospital? And why the board voted on breaking my contract without my knowledge or opinion on the matter?" Callie marched up to her ex-wife who was surrounded by both interns and residents, but not caring if she was causing a scene.
"Can we talk about this later when I drop Sofia off? I'm kind of busy." Arizona skirted out of her ex-wife's reach moving slightly behind Karev in hopes he could buffer the anger boiling visibly on the surface of Callie's face.
"No!" She yelled, the group of other doctors parting like the red sea and disappearing before Arizona could grab another one as a shield. Even Karev jumped and ran like a scared rat. "You … you don't get say over my life anymore Arizona. You don't get that right any longer. You lost that when a stupid leg was more important than your life and your wife."
Holding up her hands in a sign of surrender, Arizona stepped back. "Whoa, whoa. This isn't about me, Calliope. Can we please talk about this in private, isn't there enough gossip going around about us?"
"And whose fault is that, Dr. Robbins?" Callie barked. She was so high strung after her conversation with Thomas Jefferson that she was on full attack mode. They expected her to start in a month. In two weeks time, her contract at Grey was up and all of this went on behind her back. She was livid and as Arizona retreated toward a quieter, more private place, Callie followed nowhere near done giving Arizona an earful.
"Please calm down, Callie." Arizona begged, shutting the door behind the steaming mad brunette woman with murder in her eyes.
"Calm down? Calm down? You … you … how could you?" Callie took a deep breath, tears pricking her eyes. "We share custody, 50/50. Nothing happens with Sofia unless we go before the judge again and … and if I leave, I lose my daughter, you know that. You know if I take a job across the country, Sofia stays here with you. It's in our custody agreement. We agreed all decisions were made based in the best interest of her welfare; not mine, not yours, but hers. I am not leaving my daughter. I've already lost you, I will not lose her too."
"So she'll go with you." Arizona's voice cracked with the pain of the reality she'd been learning hard to accept. She realized that keeping Sofia away from Callie would harm her ex-wife even more than their divorce, and while she didn't want to give up her daughter, miss out on a single moment of her life, she knew it was in her daughter's best interest to give Callie majority custody. It would be holidays and summers for her here on out, and she'd grow to accept that. She had to do this.
"What?" Callie stopped pacing and turned to face Arizona as her ex-wife collapsed brokenly into the chair closest to her.
"Sofia will go to Pennsylvania with you. We will rework our custody agreement. I'm … I'm not giving her up, I just..." Arizona paused, unable to admit to Callie that this was her olive branch. She couldn't explain that she knew by keeping Callie in Seattle, where she had nothing and nobody, that she was slowly disappearing from the amazing woman, amazing doctor into a lifeless person who nobody recognized any longer. This opportunity was something Callie shouldn't turn down just because she felt obligated to make good on the promises she made when she asked Arizona to be Sofia's mama. If they didn't have a daughter together, Arizona was certain Callie would have packed up after the divorce and left. Without Mark or Webber or … or her, Callie had nobody left in Seattle, aside from a few friendships she'd let go to the wayside, because she just didn't have it in her any longer to try to hold relationships together when they were going to ultimately fail and break her even more. Arizona was giving Callie back her life, a place to start over without being reminded every single day of her past, their mistakes. She was letting Callie go.
"I don't understand." Because Callie didn't. After the storm settled, after all the screaming and accusations were done being exchanged, and Callie refused to take any steps in fixing a marriage she saw as hopeless, Arizona's main concern was their daughter. Sofia coming out of this as unharmed as possible was her main goal, her driving force in an amicable divorce because she had no other choice. Fighting Callie was useless because adultery was grounds for an immediate divorce where she'd have limited say in just about anything. Sofia wasn't even officially and legally hers when they started divorce proceedings, but Callie made sure to give Arizona her rights to their daughter; full rights even with the reasoning behind why they were in court in the first place. Yes, Arizona had some say allotted by the law, but since there wasn't three-parent adoption in Washington before Marks' death, they were limited and that would include very limited visitations, if any at all, and all that depended on the judge on the bench. If they were a pro-family, anti-equality judge, Arizona would never see her daughter again. The year following Mark's death gave them no time to seek full parental rights for Arizona, not that she was in the right frame of mind to ask for them with her constant descent down the rabbit hole she'd been stuck spiralling aimlessly in. But Callie made sure to make them happen and Arizona didn't question it. She didn't argue or fight any other step as long as she secured her place in her daughter's life, legally. Not that she thought Callie would be vindictive and keep their daughter away, but she needed the legalese for her own state of mind.
"You'll go to Pennsylvania with Sofia and I'll, I'll get her on holidays, most of the summer when she's not in camp. A week here or there before she starts school." Arizona tried hard to remain stoic; if Callie thought she had doubts, she wouldn't think twice about staying in Seattle because through it all, her ex-wife's heart, though broken, shattered, was still in the right place.
"Why is it so important to you that I go to Pennsylvania? We made a shared custody agreement for a reason."
"Just go to Pennsylvania, Calliope. My parents said you could bunk with them until you found a place. Mom's in heaven with the thought of Sofia being around for her to spoil. It's the job of a lifetime." Arizona yelled. She didn't mean to, but she was losing her cool and if they fought over this much longer, she'd cave and beg Callie to stay. She'd beg Callie not to take her daughter 2900 miles away from her and she'd beg Callie to throw their divorce out of the window and try. Stay and try to fix things because she was different, losing Callie changed her. She was broken without her wife. She was lost and needed Callie to make her whole. So she yelled at Callie and pretended to be angry.
"But Sofia ..." Callie looked wounded and hurt.
"This isn't about Sofia. Go to freaking Pennsylvania, Callie. Just go. I don't want you here." Arizona screamed, tears streaking down her cheeks, she was visibly shaking.
The venom in her ex-wife's voice shook her to the core, her point very clear to Callie. Arizona couldn't even look at her. Arizona hated her so much she'd give up precious time with her daughter in order to never have to see Callie again. Closing her eyes, she shook her head. Until today she was sure her heart couldn't break any more, but she was wrong because it just shattered into a thousand more little pieces.
The memories burned into her mind broke her again and again, and Callie just couldn't forget them no matter how hard she tried. Arizona sent her to Pennsylvania because she hated her and Callie couldn't talk to her because the pain, even almost six years later, had lessened none.
"Talk to me, please. Sofia's going to catch on, if she hasn't already, and I've tried hard to rectify my mistakes, Callie. I'm terrified every day she's going to figure out that I destroyed her family and hate me for it so I'm begging you, please."
It was Callie's turn to be confused. Rectify her mistakes? Yes, she didn't argue the divorce or cause any real problems, but what had Arizona done to rectify her … her … her affair? "If you didn't want Sofia so affected by everything, maybe you should have thought about that before you sent us a country away so you wouldn't have to see my face again. Maybe you should have thought about that before she would wonder why she had to travel with her Gramma between Mommy's and Mama's because her Mama couldn't face the woman she hated with every ounce of her being."
"I … uh, what? What are you talking about? I don't hate you. I … I, Pennsylvania was my way of making things right!" Arizona argued.
Callie laughed bitterly again. "Yeah, tell me another one. You couldn't bear to see me around and remind you I fucked up your life. You couldn't stand to be on the same fucking coast as me even, so you sent me here to make your life easier."
"No. No Callie. No. That's not it at all." Arizona scooted the four feet between them, grabbing at Callie's hands, begging her to look at her. "No Callie. I don't hate you. God, I was giving you your own fresh start. This was about you. I ruined your life in Seattle; I couldn't bear to watch you continue to disappear any longer. Look at me Cal, please."
Tears angrily fell down Callie's cheeks, disbelief apparent in her eyes. "So you sent me to Pennsylvania because it was the career of a lifetime, where I could start over … alone? Everything I had left was in Seattle. Everyone I had left and you thought it was in my best interest to what ..."
"Mom. Mom was in Pennsylvania. And the Colonel. They were going to take care of you. They did. They do. I couldn't … I wasn't allowed any longer, I lost that right. I was the reason you needed somebody to take care of you, but they didn't do anything wrong and you'd let them. You did let them. I destroyed your sense of security in Seattle, and giving you a dream job, giving you space from me, giving up time with my daughter to right my wrongs with you and making sure you'd be cared for was what Pennsylvania was about. You hadn't seen friends in Seattle in six months after our divorce. Bailey didn't even know we'd sold both apartments in the building and moved separately across town from each other because you stopped sharing anything about yourself with anybody. You needed a clean slate from me. It wasn't because I hated you, I didn't and I don't. It took months for me to stop crying over losing you two. I'd sit in the on-call room in the ortho wing because I swore the sheets and pillows still smelled like you and it was all I had. I sent you away Callie, but only to save you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you thought otherwise. I am. Please believe me." She was squeezing Callie's hands in her own, but they'd relaxed from the fists they began as, weakened by Arizona's words; her belief in Arizona's reasoning. A silent storm of tears ragged down Callie's cheeks, Arizona's own emotions mirroring those of her ex-wife's. Over five years Callie had been carrying the false truths that had put an even bigger wedge in their already fragile existence. For over five years Arizona had believed Callie hated her just as much as her ex-wife believed it true in reverse. Over five years of a repair in at least friendship wasted because as normal, they lacked the ability to communicate, thinking they could fix things for the other without their input. Isn't their lack of communication, their lack of including the other in decisions, in everything because they had to handle it on their own, isn't that what got them where they were today?
Unable to watch Callie break apart any longer, Arizona pulled her broken ex-wife into her arms, situating them until they clung onto each other, riding out the storm of tears.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know and, and I'm sorry." Callie hiccuped into Arizona's neck.
"Me too. It's my fault too. I should have told you." Arizona squeezed harder, the feeling of Callie in her arms breaking down years of walls she'd put up to keep anybody else out. "God, how did we get here, Callie? We were supposed to be the ones that made it. We were so good at overcoming the odds; they were always against us, but we knew that and still didn't care."
Callie pulled back, moving until they were both sitting back against the wall, still slightly tangled, but far enough apart to start talking … start really and finally talking. "We don't talk Arizona; we try to fix the other. We were meant to be a couple, but we never acted like one. On the outside to everyone else we were great, but we never communicated properly. Our baby issue was forgotten about because of the shooting. We never talked about Africa properly because of what Mark and I did. And then the car crash happened, and we diluted that with the wedding. You know, I thought about it constantly, I had lots of different reasons in my head about what happened, but I just kept coming back to you wanted to hurt me. You wanted to destroy me. The way I'd destroyed your life." Callie answered calmly, her voice void of bitterness.
"Callie." The devastation left Arizona's throat shakily.
"No, Arizona. I get it now. I've had years to think about it. You were hurting, but you jumped her at the first chance you got. At the time you told me you lost control; it's not an excuse Arizona. You're always in control, our whole relationship has been you in control…until I took the control out of your hands and cut off your damn leg. You were bitter, pissed that I took that decision from you. But you were clearly in control when you decided to kiss a woman you'd only knew two days. Screw her in an on-call room. All without a second thought about me, or our daughter. I had a screaming match with Hunt because I was going to do everything possible to save your leg. I told him I knew I would lose you if I cut off that leg. I tried Arizona, but you're a surgeon, put on your big girl pants and take some responsibility. You know better than anyone you have to make split second decisions. Sofia had lost her father, I wasn't going to let her lose her mother too…I knew I'd lose you, I knew. I fucking knew it. But you gave me false hope, because everything seemed to be getting better. I didn't want to rock the boat and you didn't want to talk about it. So yes that's on me, thinking that you were starting to get yourself back." Callie started hyperventilating as she got angrier and angrier as her voice escalated, her fears coming to a head. Years of emotions and thoughts all fought to be heard.
Apple, Peaches, Pumpkin Pie, Who's Not Ready, Holler I
Cristina was going crazy. She'd checked under every bed, in every closet, but Sofia's game of hide and seek was by far the best the kid had ever played. "Olly olly oxen free." She kept hollering over and over again except the brat wouldn't come out of hiding. Cristina knew she didn't often wear her hearing aid at home so maybe Sofia couldn't hear her? Except after checking the container she held it in, it was empty which meant the kid had to have the damn thing in.
"Yo, Little Doc, come out. You win. Come on..." Cristina begged.
"Sofia!"
"This isn't funny, I'm done playing, get your little butt out here."
"Olly. Olly. Oxen. Free." She growled. "That means come out, Kid. You win!" She was losing her temper at an alarming rate.
"Sofia, you are in so much trouble..." She heard the front door open and watched the little girl come inside without looking up at her aunt.
"You weren't supposed to leave the apartment, Sofia. How was I supposed to find you outside?" She asked and Sofia only shrugged.
"Sofia, what's wrong?" Cristina watched her wipe away at her cheeks, trying to hide the tears. "Sofia, where were you? Were you at the elevator?" She watched her goddaughter nod and her stomach fell to the floor.